the ratio of people to cake is too big
the last time i posted, i was full of emotion and had an overwhelming urge to cry. it was inexplicable and weighed so heavy in my heart. i didn't know why that was happening, why i was feeling so much and so strongly but, as i sat, i kept thinking that i would get over it. i wanted to cry but i couldn't and i didn't. when i'm out in public, i hold back my tears and conceal my emotions, burying them as deeply as i can because, lets face it, the world doesn't need to see that part of me and, i've gotten better at hiding them. on that day, i was at boomtown (or, le boom, as i like to call it) having coffee and lunch. i sat and wrote, explored ways to get to paris and spent more time here than i should have. i had my laptop and headphones with me and wasted about three hours of my day here, well past their closing time. avoiding all emotion, i decided to get over it and walk back to my car. as i like to play this game whenever i walk to my car, where i click on the "unlock" repeatedly until the lights flicker and unlocks my car, just to see how many steps it takes for the car to acknowledge me (25 steps).
the window on my passenger side door was shattered, glass was all over my front seats and floor. the ipod was taken, ripped from its charger, still connected to my cigarette lighter. the first thing i did was check the glove compartment, my wallet and phone was still in there, along with my debit card, cash and ID. my $400 vera wang sunglasses were still there. all that was missing was the ipod...a 10 year old mp3 player with 30 gigs worth of music, acquired over the span of its possession, sun damaged and cracked on its surface. i laughed. i was more upset at the inconvenience at not having a window during a rainy day, having to deal with getting it replaced and having to clean up someone else's mess. i wasn't upset about someone steal my stuff,nor was i upset that someone violated me in such a way. in my head, i'd like to think that it was just some dumb kid who's going to get their when they realized that they just broke someone's window for a piece of crap ipod that doesn't even work. my chango. for a time, i was attached to it but, its loss really doesn't faze me. it can be replaced, it's a tangible object that has no impact on me whatsoever. the destruction of my window doesn't even upset me. i felt no anger or sadness. i felt pity more than anything...what has our world come to?
when i got home, i laid in bed and held onto linus and it happened...i cried. not because of what happened but because, i so badly wanted to just call my mom and tell her what happened. i let myself dwell on that thought and just laid in darkness, allowing the tears to roll down my face. i didn't care, it needed to happen...it was okay. i wondered to myself, "what must be going through that person's mind when they realize that they wasted their time and energy on a useless object?"...i wondered what their life might be like, if their parents were ever involved in their childhood, what kind of person he or she was and, most importantly, i wanted to know if they felt that their parents would be disappointed or even care about what they had just done. i find myself asking these questions to myself whenever i do things. i hope their parents would feel great disappointment in knowing that their child has turned into the type of person who needlessly breaks into strangers' cars and steals inanimate objects. i hope that this person realizes that their action doesn't upset me and that, while i don't forgive them for what they've done but, that i don't even care.
i've started just leaving my windows down. if there's something you see in my car that you like, go ahead and take it. the door isn't even locked, help yourself. just don't inconvenience me with your barbarity. be a human, have some respect. the greater disappointment is that there is very little faith in humanity residing within me now.
in other news...
i had my evaluation today with my boss. i spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure out what to wear and finally decided that i didn't care and it wouldn't matter what i wear, seeing as whatever decision regarding my position with our organization was already determined. i went in shorts, sandals and my hair in a bit of a tousled, beautiful disaster. this is the type of person i am...i've turned into peter gibbons and i'm okay w/ it.
anyhow, i'm still working at my favorite school and got a 50 cent raise, which is pretty great. i also won't be working at DeZavala anymore, the school i helped start up. it's rather bittersweet but, i will be working instead in one of our newish schools, Nitsch, which is in a rather sketchy part of town but has a lot of incredible potential. i subbed there a couple of times and had a great interaction with the kids, they all seemed to like me. i'll be working with a small group of 15 kids all by myself. our program was introduced there last semester and we have gotten a lot of positive feedback from the parents, students and staff. i'll be by myself and will basically be introducing our program to a whole new group of students, creating all new bonds with the faculty and establishing, what i'm hoping to be, a long-lasting relationship with these kids. it's rather exciting but, at the same time, a bit daunting...there's a bit of pressure when working on a new project, especially on your own but, i won't let that get in the way. i'm just glad it's going to happen.
the window on my passenger side door was shattered, glass was all over my front seats and floor. the ipod was taken, ripped from its charger, still connected to my cigarette lighter. the first thing i did was check the glove compartment, my wallet and phone was still in there, along with my debit card, cash and ID. my $400 vera wang sunglasses were still there. all that was missing was the ipod...a 10 year old mp3 player with 30 gigs worth of music, acquired over the span of its possession, sun damaged and cracked on its surface. i laughed. i was more upset at the inconvenience at not having a window during a rainy day, having to deal with getting it replaced and having to clean up someone else's mess. i wasn't upset about someone steal my stuff,nor was i upset that someone violated me in such a way. in my head, i'd like to think that it was just some dumb kid who's going to get their when they realized that they just broke someone's window for a piece of crap ipod that doesn't even work. my chango. for a time, i was attached to it but, its loss really doesn't faze me. it can be replaced, it's a tangible object that has no impact on me whatsoever. the destruction of my window doesn't even upset me. i felt no anger or sadness. i felt pity more than anything...what has our world come to?
when i got home, i laid in bed and held onto linus and it happened...i cried. not because of what happened but because, i so badly wanted to just call my mom and tell her what happened. i let myself dwell on that thought and just laid in darkness, allowing the tears to roll down my face. i didn't care, it needed to happen...it was okay. i wondered to myself, "what must be going through that person's mind when they realize that they wasted their time and energy on a useless object?"...i wondered what their life might be like, if their parents were ever involved in their childhood, what kind of person he or she was and, most importantly, i wanted to know if they felt that their parents would be disappointed or even care about what they had just done. i find myself asking these questions to myself whenever i do things. i hope their parents would feel great disappointment in knowing that their child has turned into the type of person who needlessly breaks into strangers' cars and steals inanimate objects. i hope that this person realizes that their action doesn't upset me and that, while i don't forgive them for what they've done but, that i don't even care.
i've started just leaving my windows down. if there's something you see in my car that you like, go ahead and take it. the door isn't even locked, help yourself. just don't inconvenience me with your barbarity. be a human, have some respect. the greater disappointment is that there is very little faith in humanity residing within me now.
in other news...
i had my evaluation today with my boss. i spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure out what to wear and finally decided that i didn't care and it wouldn't matter what i wear, seeing as whatever decision regarding my position with our organization was already determined. i went in shorts, sandals and my hair in a bit of a tousled, beautiful disaster. this is the type of person i am...i've turned into peter gibbons and i'm okay w/ it.
anyhow, i'm still working at my favorite school and got a 50 cent raise, which is pretty great. i also won't be working at DeZavala anymore, the school i helped start up. it's rather bittersweet but, i will be working instead in one of our newish schools, Nitsch, which is in a rather sketchy part of town but has a lot of incredible potential. i subbed there a couple of times and had a great interaction with the kids, they all seemed to like me. i'll be working with a small group of 15 kids all by myself. our program was introduced there last semester and we have gotten a lot of positive feedback from the parents, students and staff. i'll be by myself and will basically be introducing our program to a whole new group of students, creating all new bonds with the faculty and establishing, what i'm hoping to be, a long-lasting relationship with these kids. it's rather exciting but, at the same time, a bit daunting...there's a bit of pressure when working on a new project, especially on your own but, i won't let that get in the way. i'm just glad it's going to happen.