"Coup de Foudre" 129
Justin calls for help.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, August 2016
Jennifer found Justin in the waiting room in the Neuro ICU. He was sitting on a battered vinyl chair, staring into space, his face pale and strained.
“Justin? Darling?
He turned to her. “Oh… Mom!”
Jennifer held her son, held him tightly. He was a grown man, but he was still her little boy. Her beautiful little blond baby. And he was in pain.
“Brian… how is he?” She hesitated. “Why is he in Intensive Care? Did he… have a stroke?”
Justin shook his head. “They don’t think so. But he did have a seizure. Right on the floor of the Emergency Room while we were waiting to see a doctor. I kept telling them that they knew we were coming, but they just let us wait and wait and fucking wait! But… but then Brian started to shake! He fell on the floor and I yelled for a doctor! For someone to come and help us! That’s when they finally took him inside. I was… was scared shitless, Mom. I was fucking terrified!”
Jennifer closed her eyes and pictured Justin in the hospital after being bashed, having a seizure. She remember how terrified she’d been. Terrified and helpless. “I know, honey. I know what it’s like.”
Justin wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “That’s why I called you instead of Michael or Ted. I knew you’d understand. And I knew you wouldn’t freak out. I couldn’t take anyone freaking right now, you know?”
“Yes, I know.”
“They did a CT scan and some blood tests to see if there’s an infection somewhere. But his temperature is down. That’s good, but… but what if they can’t find out what’s wrong? What if he has another seizure? What the fuck will I do?”
“Justin.” Jennifer put her hands on her son’s shoulders and faced him squarely. “Look at me.”
Justin sniffed. “I’m looking, Mom. Sorry. I’m okay.”
“I know you are, darling,” Jennifer said firmly. “But I want you to know that you’ll get through this. Perhaps you don’t remember, but you had seizures, too. A lot of them. Especially that first month after you came out of the coma. This could be a setback for Brian, or it could be a random incident. But you can’t panic.”
“I’m not!” said Justin. “I swear I’m not. But it… it scared the shit out of me! He was… was shaking! I thought he was going to die right there in my arms!”
“But he didn’t die,” said Jennifer. “And neither did you. You’re a survivor and so is Brian. Trust the doctors and nurses. Trust them to know what to do. Do you know what you have to do?”
Justin nodded. “Be strong. Not give up. Not run away.”
“And why?” Jennifer asked gently.
“Because I love him,” said Justin. “I love him so fucking much! I can’t stand to see him in pain! Or so… so damaged.”
“And do you understand now?”
Justin looked at his mother. “You mean how you felt when I was bashed? Yes, I understand. I always understood - sort of. I’m sorry I was such a fucking twat to you. I know I was. But… but I had no control over myself. My hand, my head… my emotions. I really screwed things up, Mom. I screwed up my life. But you were so patient. And Brian… he took care of me. And then I shit all over him! I’ll never forgive myself! Never!”
“Honey,” said Jennifer. “Don’t blame yourself. We all make mistakes. I made plenty of them with you.”
“Not like shit I’ve done,” said Justin.
“Yes, I have,” Jennifer replied. “When you were coming out I made so many missteps. It took me too long to acknowledge what I’d always known - that you were gay and nothing was going to change that. I also tried to fight against your love for Brian. I thought I was protecting you, but I was wrong. He loved you. Yes, he hurt you, but that’s part of life. I know you hurt him, too. That’s what happens with love sometimes. You either learn from it and get stronger - or you give up, like me and your father.”
“I gave up,” Justin whispered. “I gave up on Brian and then I couldn’t go back! I always thought I could go back any time! That no matter what I did, Brian would always be there. That he would always wait for me and take me back. But then Ron came along and…” Justin winced. “On some level I doubt Brian will ever completely trust me.”
“That’s something you’ll both have to work out,” said Jennifer. “Now I need to tell you something. I hope you won’t think less of me, but it will tell you something about Brian.”
“There’s nothing you can tell me about Brian that I don’t already know,” Justin said.
“Perhaps, but I need to say it.” Jennifer held Justin’s hand like she never wanted to let it go. “After you came home from the hospital, I didn’t want you to see Brian again, ever. I blamed him for you coming out. I blamed him for you getting bashed. I think I even blamed him for the disintegration of my marriage. It was convenient having a scapegoat. It took the guilt off my shoulders. And Big Bad Brian was the perfect scapegoat.”
“I already know all this, Mom.”
“Yes,” said Jennifer. “But there’s more. When you couldn’t see Brian, you couldn’t deal with it. The rages got worse. You were so angry, so frustrated, I thought you’d harm me - or Molly. Once you tore up your room, smashing everything you could get your hands on. I… I almost called the police! I was scared of you, my own son! I didn’t know where to turn.”
Justin rubbed his head, right where the scar was hidden under his hair. “I remember. I thought of that when Brian did the same thing at the house. I remember how I felt. Like I wanted to rip the world apart, like my life had been ripped apart.”
“I should have gotten you therapy then,” said Jennifer. “But you were so adamant that you wouldn’t go. I know I should have pushed you, but you were pushing back so hard already. But I was wrong about that.”
“I’ve been thinking of going to a therapist,” Justin admitted. “Dr. Deutsch thinks it would be a good idea. And Brian was seeing Dr. Wilder. We’ll both need all the help we can get before this is over - if it’s ever really over.”
“But the thing is…” Jennifer hesitated, but she knew she had to get this off her mind. “When I knew I couldn’t handle you anymore, I didn’t know what to do. One of your doctors suggested sending you away to a long-term rehab facility. But I couldn’t do it. I was afraid you’d never come back! I felt that would be punishing you for something that wasn’t your fault.”
Justin frowned. “But then I moved in with Brian. It’s hard to remember exactly how that happened.”
“It happened because I literally asked him to take you,” said Jennifer.
“To take me?”
“Yes. First I told him never to see you again and then I asked him to take you.” Jennifer said, her voice choking. “It... it was the only thing I could think of. You wanted to be with Brian and… and I couldn’t deal with you. So I gave up. I asked Brian - begged him! - to take you. And he did.”
Justin blinked. “I know you couldn't handle me. I know I was out of control... But I thought he came to get me because... because he loved me! I asked him once if the only reason he took me in was because I’d been bashed! He wouldn’t answer! But I was right! It was only because you asked him to! Jesus!” Justin turned his head away. “Why did you do that, Mom? Why? And why did he agree?”
“Because he did love you, darling,” said Jennifer. “He loved you so much. And I loved you and wanted to see you well and happy. The only person who could make you well and happy was Brian. And he was the only person strong enough to deal with you. Strong enough to help you get better. So I had to let you go. It was the right thing to do, even though it killed me inside.”
“But… but…” Justin’s head began to pound. “This is so fucked up. Mom. I don’t know what to think.”
“Think about now,” Jennifer said. “Because now Brian needs you. And for the same reason you needed him. You love each other and no one else can give you what each of you needs. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be terribly, terribly hard. But you’re a strong man, Justin. Which is what Brian needs - a strong man who loves him.”
Justin swallowed. “I do love him. And I want to be strong.”
“You can do it, darling.” Jennifer kissed him on the cheek. “You know one of the sweetest moments of my life was when you told me that you and Brian were going to get married. Do you remember how we danced? I’d never seen you so happy and that made me happy. I knew Brian wouldn’t be the easiest husband in the world, but I also thought he’d be worth the trouble. I still think so. He’s worth the trouble, but so are you. All the trouble and the drama and everything that goes with it - you two are an even match. So help him now, Justin. Be strong and know that you can always come to me if you need to. But I knew back then - How many years ago? Fifteen? Good God! - that you should be together.”
“And we will be, Mom.” Justin stood up and stretched. His head no longer hurt. “I’m going to see how Brian is doing. Dr. Sun said that if the tests come back negative he might be able to go home tomorrow. But whether it’s tomorrow or the next day or next week, I’ll be where I belong. Right here.”
Photo of Randy Harrison courtesy of Kinwad.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, August 2016
Jennifer found Justin in the waiting room in the Neuro ICU. He was sitting on a battered vinyl chair, staring into space, his face pale and strained.
“Justin? Darling?
He turned to her. “Oh… Mom!”
Jennifer held her son, held him tightly. He was a grown man, but he was still her little boy. Her beautiful little blond baby. And he was in pain.
“Brian… how is he?” She hesitated. “Why is he in Intensive Care? Did he… have a stroke?”
Justin shook his head. “They don’t think so. But he did have a seizure. Right on the floor of the Emergency Room while we were waiting to see a doctor. I kept telling them that they knew we were coming, but they just let us wait and wait and fucking wait! But… but then Brian started to shake! He fell on the floor and I yelled for a doctor! For someone to come and help us! That’s when they finally took him inside. I was… was scared shitless, Mom. I was fucking terrified!”
Jennifer closed her eyes and pictured Justin in the hospital after being bashed, having a seizure. She remember how terrified she’d been. Terrified and helpless. “I know, honey. I know what it’s like.”
Justin wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “That’s why I called you instead of Michael or Ted. I knew you’d understand. And I knew you wouldn’t freak out. I couldn’t take anyone freaking right now, you know?”
“Yes, I know.”
“They did a CT scan and some blood tests to see if there’s an infection somewhere. But his temperature is down. That’s good, but… but what if they can’t find out what’s wrong? What if he has another seizure? What the fuck will I do?”
“Justin.” Jennifer put her hands on her son’s shoulders and faced him squarely. “Look at me.”
Justin sniffed. “I’m looking, Mom. Sorry. I’m okay.”
“I know you are, darling,” Jennifer said firmly. “But I want you to know that you’ll get through this. Perhaps you don’t remember, but you had seizures, too. A lot of them. Especially that first month after you came out of the coma. This could be a setback for Brian, or it could be a random incident. But you can’t panic.”
“I’m not!” said Justin. “I swear I’m not. But it… it scared the shit out of me! He was… was shaking! I thought he was going to die right there in my arms!”
“But he didn’t die,” said Jennifer. “And neither did you. You’re a survivor and so is Brian. Trust the doctors and nurses. Trust them to know what to do. Do you know what you have to do?”
Justin nodded. “Be strong. Not give up. Not run away.”
“And why?” Jennifer asked gently.
“Because I love him,” said Justin. “I love him so fucking much! I can’t stand to see him in pain! Or so… so damaged.”
“And do you understand now?”
Justin looked at his mother. “You mean how you felt when I was bashed? Yes, I understand. I always understood - sort of. I’m sorry I was such a fucking twat to you. I know I was. But… but I had no control over myself. My hand, my head… my emotions. I really screwed things up, Mom. I screwed up my life. But you were so patient. And Brian… he took care of me. And then I shit all over him! I’ll never forgive myself! Never!”
“Honey,” said Jennifer. “Don’t blame yourself. We all make mistakes. I made plenty of them with you.”
“Not like shit I’ve done,” said Justin.
“Yes, I have,” Jennifer replied. “When you were coming out I made so many missteps. It took me too long to acknowledge what I’d always known - that you were gay and nothing was going to change that. I also tried to fight against your love for Brian. I thought I was protecting you, but I was wrong. He loved you. Yes, he hurt you, but that’s part of life. I know you hurt him, too. That’s what happens with love sometimes. You either learn from it and get stronger - or you give up, like me and your father.”
“I gave up,” Justin whispered. “I gave up on Brian and then I couldn’t go back! I always thought I could go back any time! That no matter what I did, Brian would always be there. That he would always wait for me and take me back. But then Ron came along and…” Justin winced. “On some level I doubt Brian will ever completely trust me.”
“That’s something you’ll both have to work out,” said Jennifer. “Now I need to tell you something. I hope you won’t think less of me, but it will tell you something about Brian.”
“There’s nothing you can tell me about Brian that I don’t already know,” Justin said.
“Perhaps, but I need to say it.” Jennifer held Justin’s hand like she never wanted to let it go. “After you came home from the hospital, I didn’t want you to see Brian again, ever. I blamed him for you coming out. I blamed him for you getting bashed. I think I even blamed him for the disintegration of my marriage. It was convenient having a scapegoat. It took the guilt off my shoulders. And Big Bad Brian was the perfect scapegoat.”
“I already know all this, Mom.”
“Yes,” said Jennifer. “But there’s more. When you couldn’t see Brian, you couldn’t deal with it. The rages got worse. You were so angry, so frustrated, I thought you’d harm me - or Molly. Once you tore up your room, smashing everything you could get your hands on. I… I almost called the police! I was scared of you, my own son! I didn’t know where to turn.”
Justin rubbed his head, right where the scar was hidden under his hair. “I remember. I thought of that when Brian did the same thing at the house. I remember how I felt. Like I wanted to rip the world apart, like my life had been ripped apart.”
“I should have gotten you therapy then,” said Jennifer. “But you were so adamant that you wouldn’t go. I know I should have pushed you, but you were pushing back so hard already. But I was wrong about that.”
“I’ve been thinking of going to a therapist,” Justin admitted. “Dr. Deutsch thinks it would be a good idea. And Brian was seeing Dr. Wilder. We’ll both need all the help we can get before this is over - if it’s ever really over.”
“But the thing is…” Jennifer hesitated, but she knew she had to get this off her mind. “When I knew I couldn’t handle you anymore, I didn’t know what to do. One of your doctors suggested sending you away to a long-term rehab facility. But I couldn’t do it. I was afraid you’d never come back! I felt that would be punishing you for something that wasn’t your fault.”
Justin frowned. “But then I moved in with Brian. It’s hard to remember exactly how that happened.”
“It happened because I literally asked him to take you,” said Jennifer.
“To take me?”
“Yes. First I told him never to see you again and then I asked him to take you.” Jennifer said, her voice choking. “It... it was the only thing I could think of. You wanted to be with Brian and… and I couldn’t deal with you. So I gave up. I asked Brian - begged him! - to take you. And he did.”
Justin blinked. “I know you couldn't handle me. I know I was out of control... But I thought he came to get me because... because he loved me! I asked him once if the only reason he took me in was because I’d been bashed! He wouldn’t answer! But I was right! It was only because you asked him to! Jesus!” Justin turned his head away. “Why did you do that, Mom? Why? And why did he agree?”
“Because he did love you, darling,” said Jennifer. “He loved you so much. And I loved you and wanted to see you well and happy. The only person who could make you well and happy was Brian. And he was the only person strong enough to deal with you. Strong enough to help you get better. So I had to let you go. It was the right thing to do, even though it killed me inside.”
“But… but…” Justin’s head began to pound. “This is so fucked up. Mom. I don’t know what to think.”
“Think about now,” Jennifer said. “Because now Brian needs you. And for the same reason you needed him. You love each other and no one else can give you what each of you needs. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be terribly, terribly hard. But you’re a strong man, Justin. Which is what Brian needs - a strong man who loves him.”
Justin swallowed. “I do love him. And I want to be strong.”
“You can do it, darling.” Jennifer kissed him on the cheek. “You know one of the sweetest moments of my life was when you told me that you and Brian were going to get married. Do you remember how we danced? I’d never seen you so happy and that made me happy. I knew Brian wouldn’t be the easiest husband in the world, but I also thought he’d be worth the trouble. I still think so. He’s worth the trouble, but so are you. All the trouble and the drama and everything that goes with it - you two are an even match. So help him now, Justin. Be strong and know that you can always come to me if you need to. But I knew back then - How many years ago? Fifteen? Good God! - that you should be together.”
“And we will be, Mom.” Justin stood up and stretched. His head no longer hurt. “I’m going to see how Brian is doing. Dr. Sun said that if the tests come back negative he might be able to go home tomorrow. But whether it’s tomorrow or the next day or next week, I’ll be where I belong. Right here.”
Photo of Randy Harrison courtesy of Kinwad.