"Coup de Foudre" 128
This chapter is a little long, but it needed to be.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, August 2016
Jesus. Hot. Too fucking hot.
“Justin. Turn on the air.”
“The air is on, Brian. It isn’t the loft, it’s you. You’re burning up.”
“Jesus. I need something cold. Get me a beer.”
“No, you don’t need a beer. You need to go to the E.R. Do you hear me?”
Fuck that. No fucking hospitals. I’m done with that shit. Done.
“Can I have some ice?”
“You have some. In that towel. Keep it on your forehead.”
“It’s melting. My face is wet.”
“That’s sweat, Brian. Put the ice against your face. Careful.”
“Shit.”
“I’m calling Dr. Deutsch. If she says you should go to the ER, will you go?”
No. No fucking hospital!
“Brian? Did you hear me?”
“Leave me alone, Sunshine. Turn on the air.”
“I told you, it’s on. I’m calling Dr. Deutsch. Right now.”
“Water?”
“It’s on the table next to the bed.”
“It’s not cold enough. It tastes like shit.”
“I’m calling the doctor.”
Do that, Sunshine. I’m not going anywhere. Sick of this. Sick.
Oh, God. Fuck.
“I think I need to puke.”
Bathroom. Jesus.
“Brian, Dr. Deutsch says we should go to the E.R. immediately. Here, let me wash your face.”
“Can’t. I’m too sick.”
“That’s why we’re going. Put on your pants. And here’s a clean tee shirt. Brian?”
I fucking hear you. Just leave me alone.
“Brian! Come on!”
“I’m too hot.”
“I know. Just go.”
The Jeep bumps along. Jesus! Why did I buy this piece of shit anyway? I thought I had a better car.
“Crap fucking Jeep. Why did I get this thing?”
“It’s mine, Brian. This isn’t yours.”
Justin’s Jeep. He’s taking it! What the fuck! “Gus, no! Come back!”
“Gus isn’t here. Roll down the window in case you feel sick. Brian, fucking roll down the window!”
“Stop the car! Now!”
Oh, God. That was close.
“Brian? Are you going to puke again?”
“I don’t think so.” Fuck, how should I know?
“We’re almost there. Dr. Deutsch said she was going to call ahead, so they should be waiting for us.”
Fucking hot. What’s this?
Too many lights. And fucking people. People coughing. Jesus. Sick.
Justin is arguing with some woman in a window. Fucking hospitals! It was a mistake to come here. Big mistake.
“But Dr. Helene Deutsch told me to bring him here! He was in the Neuro ICU in July. He was in a motorcycle accident. He has a very high fever.”
“How high?”
“I don’t know. He wouldn’t let me take his temperature. But he’s burning up.”
“You’ll need to fill in these forms and take a seat over there, sir. Does he have insurance?”
“Yes, he has insurance. Can’t he see a doctor right now? He was throwing up on the way over here.”
“You’ll have to wait your turn, sir. Please take a seat.”
Oh, God. Oh, fuck. “Justin?”
“Brian, we have to wait.”
Something’s wrong. I feel so… strange. What’s that smell? What the fuck. I can’t… What…
“Brian! Nurse! Someone! Brian? Can you hear me? Brian! Nurse! He’s having a seizure!"
“Are you certain?”
“I know because I had a Traumatic Brain Injury when I was 18 and I had seizures afterwards.”
“Has he ever had one before?”
“Not since he got out of the Neuro Unit. Please, help!”
“Get this man into an examining room, STAT! You stay here, sir.”
Justin…
“I need to go with him!”
“We’ll call you after he’s been stabilized.”
Loud. Loud. Everything is crazy. The lights. Justin? Justin! Can’t… can’t…
“He has a high fever and has been vomiting. His friend said he was in the Neuro ICU for a TBI in July. He mentioned Dr. Deutsch.”
“This must be Dr. Sun’s patient, then. Deutsch called the nurses’ station to say he was coming in. Why didn’t you take him right back?”
“It didn’t seem that urgent, doctor.”
“Anyone know what meds he’s on?”
“With a TBI I assume he’s on AEDs. We’ll get the list from Dr. Sun.”
“He’s stabilized, doctor.”
“Good. What’s his name?”
“Kinney, doctor. Brian.”
“Mr. Kinney? Brian? Can you hear me?”
Don’t shout in my fucking ear. I’m so tired. So…
“You’re going to sleep now, but you’re all right. Do you understand? Brian?”
I… understand.
I don’t want to be here.
Babylon. Why here? I thought it was gone.
“You always come back to your old stomping ground, don’t you, Brian?”
Vic. That son of a bitch.
“And you can’t seem to keep out of it, either. This really is Hell. Can’t you change the fucking music?”
“I thought you liked the Village People?”
“Suck it, Grassi. Get me out of here.”
“Not so fast.”
“Am I dead? Is that it? I don’t feel dead.”
“You’re not. I am, but then I’ve been dead for a long time. I’m used to it.”
“Then why the fuck am I here?”
“You’re waiting. And dreaming. Nothing more. Nothing important.”
“Then let me rest. I need rest. Can’t you see I’m fucking sick?”
“Can’t you see I’m fucking dead? Show some respect. Listen. The music is changing. This is where I came in.”
Darkness. Let me sleep. That’s all I want.
Bob Dylan. Turn it off. I’ve had enough of this shit.
“Brian. Look at me.”
No. Don’t make me look. Don’t make me think.
“Brian, I’d offer you a drink, but it’s not allowed. I’m having Mimosas, but it’s early and that’s a drink for the morning. I can have all I want, but I find it’s not as fun without you. Of course, nothing’s as fun without you.”
The house. Creekside Canyon. Another fucking beautiful day by the pool. Ron looks… alive. He’s tanned and fit. Hard to believe he’s 53. Or was.
“I don’t want a drink. I don’t want to relax by the pool. Fuck you! You never even said goodbye, you bastard.”
“I know. I feel badly about that. But it was difficult to say anything, being dead and all that.” He takes a sip. “These are very good. But everything tastes good up here.”
“So the house on Creekside Canyon is heaven? I highly doubt that.”
“Heaven is wherever you were the happiest. That’s why I’m here.”
“Not on one of your movie sets? I thought that was what made you the happiest.”
“Then you thought wrong. It was here. With you. And then with you and Gus. But it’s lonely here, too.”
Great. I’m getting the guilts from a fucking dead man!
“Why am I surrounded by dead people? You and Vic. Who’s next? Bowie? Lou Reed? Cobain? Why can’t I hang out with the cool dead people?”
“It’s your dream, Brian, not mine. Maybe I’m the one you needed to see. Maybe I’m the one you needed to talk to one last time.”
“Is this supposed to be scaring me? So I’ll change my ways? Is that it?”
“No, my dear. You’re Brian Kinney. You’ll never change your ways completely. But you already have changed. Everyone changes. You get older. You learn things. You adjust.”
“Thanks for reminding me that I’m getting older.”
“It’s better than the alternative, believe me.”
What the fuck? I sit down on the lounge chair next to him. “I miss you.”
“I know. But you have others. People who love you. People you love. I’m not saying that you should be happy I’m gone, but…”
“Justin. I’m sorry, Ron. I mean, about Justin. It must seem to you that… that I forgot about you too quickly.”
“You haven’t forgotten about me. Obviously, because here I am. I’m always here. You know that. But I’ve always known about Justin. You know that, too. And I was jealous of him. Very, very jealous. Because I knew you loved him.”
“You’re wrong… I loved you!”
“But you loved him, too. You never stopped loving him. I knew that. It was a given. And it’s a good thing you never had any contact with him while we were together, because I would have made that little son of a bitch’s life a living hell.”
“I know. You would have.”
“But that’s a moot point. Now I’m glad he’s there. You need him. You need him more than you know. He’s made a lot of mistakes, but so have you. You can make a life together. You know you can. So don’t fight it.”
“I’m not fucking fighting it! But it’s awkward. Justin and I have so much baggage.”
“Forget it! Dump all that baggage and move on! Life is too short. I ought to know. If I could only have one extra year, or even one extra fucking day, I’d grab it. Sell my soul for it. But it’s too late for me. It’s not too late for you, my dear.”
“Well, yeah…”
“And that brings me to one other thing.”
“Only one?”
“Don’t be a bitch. That thing is your son.”
“What about him?”
“He’s a good kid. Make up with him. Do it now. He’s only 15 for God’s sake! It’s not like you didn’t make a lot worse mistakes when you were his age. I can attest to that personally.”
“He’s a fucking little twat! He caused my accident! And he was in league with Jimmy!”
“Grown men have found themselves manipulated by Jimmy Hardy, let alone a scared boy. You’re his father. Never forget that. I feel like Gus is my own son, too, so perhaps I’m willing to cut him some slack. But you should look at the big picture. He’s guilty about what he did. Guilty and terrified that he hurt you. Remember that.”
“And the way he treated Justin?”
“Work it out. Justin wants to have a good relationship with Gus. He loves Gus. He always has. Maybe you forget that Gus wasn’t exactly happy with me when he first started coming out to L.A. And the feeling was mutual. The last thing I wanted was my lover’s bratty little son hanging around the house. But we worked things out. It took time. Just like it’s going to take time for you to heal.”
“This seizure… it terrifies me. I won’t lie about that.”
“It happens. Justin had them and he got over it. You have to press on, Baby. You’re alive. That’s all that matters.”
“But what about…?”
“Brian? Brian! Can you hear me? I don’t think he can hear me, Dr. Sun.”
Wait! I’m not ready…
Ready.
“Try again, Mr. Taylor. He’s might a bit fuzzy in his brain, but he’s not unconscious. He’ll respond to you.”
“Brian? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”
“I hear you, Sunshine. Don’t break my fucking fingers, please?”
“Brian! You scared the shit out of me! But Dr. Sun says you should be okay. Your fever is down now. He thinks that’s what caused the seizure.”
“I’m so tired. I just want to go home.”
“Soon. Dr. Sun wants to keep you for observation. Tomorrow morning he says you can probably go home.”
“That’s good. Justin, I need to tell you something.”
“It’s okay. We can talk later. You need to rest now.”
“No, I need to say this now. So you won’t forget it. Because life is short, you know what I mean?”
“Brian, you’re okay. You’re not going to die any time soon.”
“Maybe, but no one knows for sure. You can never know that for sure.”
“All right, Brian. You rest now.”
“Justin, listen to me. Are you listening?”
“Of course I’m listening.”
“I love you. Don’t forget that.”
“I know. And I love you. Don’t you forget it!”
“I won’t. I promise. Remember that thing we said? That it’s only time?”
“How could I forget?”
“Well, it is time. The time is now. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I understand.”
And, finally, so do I.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, August 2016
Jesus. Hot. Too fucking hot.
“Justin. Turn on the air.”
“The air is on, Brian. It isn’t the loft, it’s you. You’re burning up.”
“Jesus. I need something cold. Get me a beer.”
“No, you don’t need a beer. You need to go to the E.R. Do you hear me?”
Fuck that. No fucking hospitals. I’m done with that shit. Done.
“Can I have some ice?”
“You have some. In that towel. Keep it on your forehead.”
“It’s melting. My face is wet.”
“That’s sweat, Brian. Put the ice against your face. Careful.”
“Shit.”
“I’m calling Dr. Deutsch. If she says you should go to the ER, will you go?”
No. No fucking hospital!
“Brian? Did you hear me?”
“Leave me alone, Sunshine. Turn on the air.”
“I told you, it’s on. I’m calling Dr. Deutsch. Right now.”
“Water?”
“It’s on the table next to the bed.”
“It’s not cold enough. It tastes like shit.”
“I’m calling the doctor.”
Do that, Sunshine. I’m not going anywhere. Sick of this. Sick.
Oh, God. Fuck.
“I think I need to puke.”
Bathroom. Jesus.
“Brian, Dr. Deutsch says we should go to the E.R. immediately. Here, let me wash your face.”
“Can’t. I’m too sick.”
“That’s why we’re going. Put on your pants. And here’s a clean tee shirt. Brian?”
I fucking hear you. Just leave me alone.
“Brian! Come on!”
“I’m too hot.”
“I know. Just go.”
The Jeep bumps along. Jesus! Why did I buy this piece of shit anyway? I thought I had a better car.
“Crap fucking Jeep. Why did I get this thing?”
“It’s mine, Brian. This isn’t yours.”
Justin’s Jeep. He’s taking it! What the fuck! “Gus, no! Come back!”
“Gus isn’t here. Roll down the window in case you feel sick. Brian, fucking roll down the window!”
“Stop the car! Now!”
Oh, God. That was close.
“Brian? Are you going to puke again?”
“I don’t think so.” Fuck, how should I know?
“We’re almost there. Dr. Deutsch said she was going to call ahead, so they should be waiting for us.”
Fucking hot. What’s this?
Too many lights. And fucking people. People coughing. Jesus. Sick.
Justin is arguing with some woman in a window. Fucking hospitals! It was a mistake to come here. Big mistake.
“But Dr. Helene Deutsch told me to bring him here! He was in the Neuro ICU in July. He was in a motorcycle accident. He has a very high fever.”
“How high?”
“I don’t know. He wouldn’t let me take his temperature. But he’s burning up.”
“You’ll need to fill in these forms and take a seat over there, sir. Does he have insurance?”
“Yes, he has insurance. Can’t he see a doctor right now? He was throwing up on the way over here.”
“You’ll have to wait your turn, sir. Please take a seat.”
Oh, God. Oh, fuck. “Justin?”
“Brian, we have to wait.”
Something’s wrong. I feel so… strange. What’s that smell? What the fuck. I can’t… What…
“Brian! Nurse! Someone! Brian? Can you hear me? Brian! Nurse! He’s having a seizure!"
“Are you certain?”
“I know because I had a Traumatic Brain Injury when I was 18 and I had seizures afterwards.”
“Has he ever had one before?”
“Not since he got out of the Neuro Unit. Please, help!”
“Get this man into an examining room, STAT! You stay here, sir.”
Justin…
“I need to go with him!”
“We’ll call you after he’s been stabilized.”
Loud. Loud. Everything is crazy. The lights. Justin? Justin! Can’t… can’t…
“He has a high fever and has been vomiting. His friend said he was in the Neuro ICU for a TBI in July. He mentioned Dr. Deutsch.”
“This must be Dr. Sun’s patient, then. Deutsch called the nurses’ station to say he was coming in. Why didn’t you take him right back?”
“It didn’t seem that urgent, doctor.”
“Anyone know what meds he’s on?”
“With a TBI I assume he’s on AEDs. We’ll get the list from Dr. Sun.”
“He’s stabilized, doctor.”
“Good. What’s his name?”
“Kinney, doctor. Brian.”
“Mr. Kinney? Brian? Can you hear me?”
Don’t shout in my fucking ear. I’m so tired. So…
“You’re going to sleep now, but you’re all right. Do you understand? Brian?”
I… understand.
I don’t want to be here.
Babylon. Why here? I thought it was gone.
“You always come back to your old stomping ground, don’t you, Brian?”
Vic. That son of a bitch.
“And you can’t seem to keep out of it, either. This really is Hell. Can’t you change the fucking music?”
“I thought you liked the Village People?”
“Suck it, Grassi. Get me out of here.”
“Not so fast.”
“Am I dead? Is that it? I don’t feel dead.”
“You’re not. I am, but then I’ve been dead for a long time. I’m used to it.”
“Then why the fuck am I here?”
“You’re waiting. And dreaming. Nothing more. Nothing important.”
“Then let me rest. I need rest. Can’t you see I’m fucking sick?”
“Can’t you see I’m fucking dead? Show some respect. Listen. The music is changing. This is where I came in.”
Darkness. Let me sleep. That’s all I want.
Bob Dylan. Turn it off. I’ve had enough of this shit.
“Brian. Look at me.”
No. Don’t make me look. Don’t make me think.
“Brian, I’d offer you a drink, but it’s not allowed. I’m having Mimosas, but it’s early and that’s a drink for the morning. I can have all I want, but I find it’s not as fun without you. Of course, nothing’s as fun without you.”
The house. Creekside Canyon. Another fucking beautiful day by the pool. Ron looks… alive. He’s tanned and fit. Hard to believe he’s 53. Or was.
“I don’t want a drink. I don’t want to relax by the pool. Fuck you! You never even said goodbye, you bastard.”
“I know. I feel badly about that. But it was difficult to say anything, being dead and all that.” He takes a sip. “These are very good. But everything tastes good up here.”
“So the house on Creekside Canyon is heaven? I highly doubt that.”
“Heaven is wherever you were the happiest. That’s why I’m here.”
“Not on one of your movie sets? I thought that was what made you the happiest.”
“Then you thought wrong. It was here. With you. And then with you and Gus. But it’s lonely here, too.”
Great. I’m getting the guilts from a fucking dead man!
“Why am I surrounded by dead people? You and Vic. Who’s next? Bowie? Lou Reed? Cobain? Why can’t I hang out with the cool dead people?”
“It’s your dream, Brian, not mine. Maybe I’m the one you needed to see. Maybe I’m the one you needed to talk to one last time.”
“Is this supposed to be scaring me? So I’ll change my ways? Is that it?”
“No, my dear. You’re Brian Kinney. You’ll never change your ways completely. But you already have changed. Everyone changes. You get older. You learn things. You adjust.”
“Thanks for reminding me that I’m getting older.”
“It’s better than the alternative, believe me.”
What the fuck? I sit down on the lounge chair next to him. “I miss you.”
“I know. But you have others. People who love you. People you love. I’m not saying that you should be happy I’m gone, but…”
“Justin. I’m sorry, Ron. I mean, about Justin. It must seem to you that… that I forgot about you too quickly.”
“You haven’t forgotten about me. Obviously, because here I am. I’m always here. You know that. But I’ve always known about Justin. You know that, too. And I was jealous of him. Very, very jealous. Because I knew you loved him.”
“You’re wrong… I loved you!”
“But you loved him, too. You never stopped loving him. I knew that. It was a given. And it’s a good thing you never had any contact with him while we were together, because I would have made that little son of a bitch’s life a living hell.”
“I know. You would have.”
“But that’s a moot point. Now I’m glad he’s there. You need him. You need him more than you know. He’s made a lot of mistakes, but so have you. You can make a life together. You know you can. So don’t fight it.”
“I’m not fucking fighting it! But it’s awkward. Justin and I have so much baggage.”
“Forget it! Dump all that baggage and move on! Life is too short. I ought to know. If I could only have one extra year, or even one extra fucking day, I’d grab it. Sell my soul for it. But it’s too late for me. It’s not too late for you, my dear.”
“Well, yeah…”
“And that brings me to one other thing.”
“Only one?”
“Don’t be a bitch. That thing is your son.”
“What about him?”
“He’s a good kid. Make up with him. Do it now. He’s only 15 for God’s sake! It’s not like you didn’t make a lot worse mistakes when you were his age. I can attest to that personally.”
“He’s a fucking little twat! He caused my accident! And he was in league with Jimmy!”
“Grown men have found themselves manipulated by Jimmy Hardy, let alone a scared boy. You’re his father. Never forget that. I feel like Gus is my own son, too, so perhaps I’m willing to cut him some slack. But you should look at the big picture. He’s guilty about what he did. Guilty and terrified that he hurt you. Remember that.”
“And the way he treated Justin?”
“Work it out. Justin wants to have a good relationship with Gus. He loves Gus. He always has. Maybe you forget that Gus wasn’t exactly happy with me when he first started coming out to L.A. And the feeling was mutual. The last thing I wanted was my lover’s bratty little son hanging around the house. But we worked things out. It took time. Just like it’s going to take time for you to heal.”
“This seizure… it terrifies me. I won’t lie about that.”
“It happens. Justin had them and he got over it. You have to press on, Baby. You’re alive. That’s all that matters.”
“But what about…?”
“Brian? Brian! Can you hear me? I don’t think he can hear me, Dr. Sun.”
Wait! I’m not ready…
Ready.
“Try again, Mr. Taylor. He’s might a bit fuzzy in his brain, but he’s not unconscious. He’ll respond to you.”
“Brian? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”
“I hear you, Sunshine. Don’t break my fucking fingers, please?”
“Brian! You scared the shit out of me! But Dr. Sun says you should be okay. Your fever is down now. He thinks that’s what caused the seizure.”
“I’m so tired. I just want to go home.”
“Soon. Dr. Sun wants to keep you for observation. Tomorrow morning he says you can probably go home.”
“That’s good. Justin, I need to tell you something.”
“It’s okay. We can talk later. You need to rest now.”
“No, I need to say this now. So you won’t forget it. Because life is short, you know what I mean?”
“Brian, you’re okay. You’re not going to die any time soon.”
“Maybe, but no one knows for sure. You can never know that for sure.”
“All right, Brian. You rest now.”
“Justin, listen to me. Are you listening?”
“Of course I’m listening.”
“I love you. Don’t forget that.”
“I know. And I love you. Don’t you forget it!”
“I won’t. I promise. Remember that thing we said? That it’s only time?”
“How could I forget?”
“Well, it is time. The time is now. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I understand.”
And, finally, so do I.