"Coup de Foudre" 99
Later that night.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, July 2016
What? Where?
Brian startled awake and bolted upright. Where the fuck was he? Why was it so dark?
The hospital? No, not there. But why had he been in a hospital? Something… with his head. An accident. But how? And when? It was all fuzzy. And dark…
“Justin! Where the fuck are you?” He called as he fumbled around, looking for a light. There was a table on one side of the bed. Nothing. The lamp was on the other side. He reached and knocked it over.
“Shit! Justin!”
Someone came to the door. “Dad? Are you all right?”
“Gus? It’s dark! Where’s Justin? What the fuck’s happening?”
“Nothing. It’s okay. You’re home. You want me to turn on the light?”
“Yes! Where’s Justin?”
Gus turned on the overhead light. His father was sitting up in the tumbled bed, his eyes searching the room, darting back and forth. The lamp was overturned. “I’ll get that,” he said, moving to the bed.
“No! Don’t touch anything! Where’s Justin?” Brian demanded.
“He’s downstairs in your office, working on the computer. I told him not to go in there, that was private stuff, but he said that…”
“Get him! Jesus! What the fuck is the matter with you?” Brian lashed out.
Gus recoiled. “I’ll get him. Hold on a minute.”
Fucking Justin, thought Gus. The sooner he’s out of here, the better.
Justin was sitting at Brian’s desk, trying to clear the endless e-mails that had piled up in the days he’d been in Allegheny General. Some of them were from concerned friends out in California, some from clients, some from friends of Ron trying to catch up. One was from Ron’s mother, but he was unsure what to tell her. He didn’t know how close Brian was with members of Ron’s immediate family, but since they’d been together for ten years, he thought the woman should know Brian had been in an accident. But all these other people - who were they? How close were they to Brian? Even so, he couldn’t even begin to reply to all of them.
“Hey, Dad’s awake and he’s pissed about something,” Gus announced, then turned to leave.
“He’s up?”
Gus stopped. “I just told you that!” Then he stomped back towards the television room.
Jesus! Justin had been sure Brian would sleep through the night, but obviously not. He started up the stairs and could hear Brian yelling. He began to hurry, taking the steps two at a time.
“Brian, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
He was sitting on the bed in his baggy shorts, his long legs hanging over the side. “Where were you? I’m in here all alone! It was fucking dark in here! Where did you go?”
“I was downstairs, working on the computer.” Justin righted the lamp and switched it on. “I didn’t realize it would be so dark in here. I left the light on in the bathroom.”
“Where were you?” Now Brian was wincing. The room was too bright now. Justin flipped off the overhead switch by the door.
“I told you. I was working in the office.”
“Kinnetik is closed now. It’s dark out.”
Justin sat on the bed next to Brian. “Not Kinnetik, your home office. I was right downstairs. We talked about this, remember? I can’t sit with you every minute of the day. I have stuff to do. And I have to sleep, too - or try to.”
“With me,” said Brian.
Justin sighed. “I’m not supposed to sleep with you. Gus doesn’t want me to. That’s why I’ll be in the room down the hall.”
“Fuck what Gus wants! I want you in here!” Brian frowned. “You were here… before.”
“I know.” Justin thought about earlier in the evening. Well, at least one mystery had been solved - there was nothing wrong with the way Brian’s dick worked. But afterwards, when Brian fell asleep, he’d quietly slipped from the room. Carmel was downstairs, still in the kitchen, and Gus was in the television room, playing a game on the big screen. Justin went into the office and fired up the computer. Ted had given him all of Brian’s passwords. Justin had been surprised that Brian trusted Theodore, of all people, with access to his entire life, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Ted was Brian’s oldest friend besides Michael, he trusted him with his money, his business, and his secrets, such as they were. And now Justin had that access. He promised himself that he would never abuse that trust.
“You’re fine,” said Justin. “You’re safe here. I’m sorry I didn’t leave enough light on for you. I’ll make sure it never happens again.”
“I’m not afraid of the dark,” Brian insisted. “But… I got confused. I don’t like this room. Can’t we go to the loft? I’d feel better there.”
Dr. Peretti had been clear that the best way to deal with Brian’s stubbornness was to make it seem like things were his idea. Justin had smiled at that, since it was the way they always got Gus to do things when he was little.
“But you wanted to be here, in the house, to be close to Gus, remember? And Carmel came all the way from California to take care of you. And I’m here. And tomorrow Michael is coming over. There’s not enough room in the loft for everybody. Right?”
“Yeah, right.” Brian blinked. “If you say so.” Brian put his arm around Justin’s shoulder. “Where were you?”
Justin knew he had to be patient. But he got tired of repeating things. “I was in the office downstairs, answering e-mail. You have a lot of friends, Brian. They’re all concerned about you. Is there anything special you want me to tell them?”
“That… that…” Brian tilted his head, thinking. “I’m great. Everything’s great.”
“I’ll tell them that, then. Ron’s mother e-mailed. She didn’t know about your accident. Is it okay if I tell her about it?”
“Sure. She’s a nice lady.” Brian bit at lip lower lip. “Florida. She lives in Florida.”
“Yes, I think she does.”
“I should call her,” Brian said. “Tell her I’m great.” He paused. “Does she know about… about Ron?”
Justin swallowed. Here we go. “Yes, she knows, Brian. Everyone knows that Ron is…”
“He’s really dead, isn’t he?” Brian blinked again. “He’s never coming back.”
Justin felt his heart breaking. “Yes, Brian. He is. And, no, he’s never coming back. I’m so sorry. I really am.”
“Why? You didn’t do anything. You didn’t know him.” Brian ran his long fingers through his hair. “It feels like a long time ago… a long, long time. I never said goodbye. Did you know that?”
“No,” Justin whispered. “I didn’t know that.”
“And now…” Brian looked at Justin. “It’s hard to remember him. His face. His voice. Like he’s… disappearing.”
“That’s the accident,” said Justin. “It’s hard for you to remember a lot of things, but that will get better. You’ll remember all the good things. That’s what your cognitive therapist will help you with.”
“Who the fuck is that?”
“Dr. Deutsch. You haven’t met her yet. I’ll be taking you over there in a couple of days. Dr. Peretti and Dr. Sun recommend her highly. She’ll help you remember.”
Brian nodded, gazing into the distance. “You wish you could remember and I wish I could forget.”
Justin froze. “What did you say?”
Brian suddenly stood up, staring. “He was coming at you with the bat. And then he swung. You couldn’t remember and I couldn’t forget. All that blood. You were lying on the concrete floor. I thought you were dead! And I wanted to die, too! Fucking Hobbs. I couldn’t stop him! There was nothing I could do!”
Justin gently took Brian’s hand and pulled him back down on the bed. “Brian, that was 15 years ago. I’m here and I’m fine. See?” He took Brian’s hand and guided it to his head. “All in one piece. There’s a scar, but no one can see it. Hobbs is long gone. The nightmares are long gone. You helped me, remember? All better now? It’s true. And now I’m helping you.”
Brian squeezed his eyes shut. “It hurts. Why does it fucking hurt?”
Justin squeezed Brian’s hand. He had such strong, beautiful hands. “Things are fucked up right now, but they won’t always be. Tomorrow will be a little better, and then the next day, and the next. I’ll be here for you. And Gus and Carmel. Michael and Ted. And don’t forget Debbie and Carl. And your doctors. And all those friends, here and in L.A. We all care about you, Brian. Things will get back to normal. It’s only time, remember?”
Brian shuddered. “It’s only fucking time! Who said that? Who?”
Justin realized that was a mistake. Change the subject. “No one, Brian. No one at all. Would you like something to eat? You didn’t eat much dinner.”
“No. Gotta piss. And I need water.” He got up and headed to the bathroom. Justin heard the toilet flush and then the water running. Brian came out, looking like his old self, his hair sticking up, his body long and lean. But Justin knew that was an illusion. Brian was far from his old self and he could never forget that until Brian really was himself again.
“Why don’t you get some sleep now? It’s almost midnight.” Justin smoothed the bedclothes and pulled them back. “Get in.”
Brian got into bed, but he reached out again, taking Justin’s hand. “You said you wouldn’t leave me.”
Justin started to protest. Gus would be pissed off. But what was more important? What Gus wanted or what Brian needed? “You want me to sleep in here tonight?”
“Where the fuck else?” said Brian with annoyance. “I need to fuck if I’m going to sleep! No wonder that hospital was the worst. No fucking!”
Justin laughed. “Dr. Sun wouldn’t accommodate you?”
“He’s straighter than the stick up Gus’s straight boy ass!” Brian scoffed.
That really made Justin laugh. “Don’t say that. He’s your son, Brian.”
“I knew watching all those hetero kiddie shows would turn him straight,” said Brian. “Not enough Teletubbies. Or Burt and Ernie.”
“You remember that?”
“Of course, Sunshine,” said Brian. “Now get the fuck in here and take care of my cock!”
This would set the tone for the future, that much Justin knew. It didn’t matter what Gus wanted. This was about Brian. And Justin knew he needed it, too. Wanted it as much as Brian seemed to. If Brian was going to remember everything, he’d have to remember this. Making love. Fucking. And the difference.
He kissed Brian and stroked his chest. “You know that I love you, don’t you?”
Brian sighed. “I know. I thought I’d forgotten that, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I thought you were the one who forgot it.”
“Never, Brian,” said Justin. “I might have lied to myself, but I never forgot. I still love you. I always have.”
“Then help me, Justin,” said Brian. “You’re the only one who can.”
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, July 2016
What? Where?
Brian startled awake and bolted upright. Where the fuck was he? Why was it so dark?
The hospital? No, not there. But why had he been in a hospital? Something… with his head. An accident. But how? And when? It was all fuzzy. And dark…
“Justin! Where the fuck are you?” He called as he fumbled around, looking for a light. There was a table on one side of the bed. Nothing. The lamp was on the other side. He reached and knocked it over.
“Shit! Justin!”
Someone came to the door. “Dad? Are you all right?”
“Gus? It’s dark! Where’s Justin? What the fuck’s happening?”
“Nothing. It’s okay. You’re home. You want me to turn on the light?”
“Yes! Where’s Justin?”
Gus turned on the overhead light. His father was sitting up in the tumbled bed, his eyes searching the room, darting back and forth. The lamp was overturned. “I’ll get that,” he said, moving to the bed.
“No! Don’t touch anything! Where’s Justin?” Brian demanded.
“He’s downstairs in your office, working on the computer. I told him not to go in there, that was private stuff, but he said that…”
“Get him! Jesus! What the fuck is the matter with you?” Brian lashed out.
Gus recoiled. “I’ll get him. Hold on a minute.”
Fucking Justin, thought Gus. The sooner he’s out of here, the better.
Justin was sitting at Brian’s desk, trying to clear the endless e-mails that had piled up in the days he’d been in Allegheny General. Some of them were from concerned friends out in California, some from clients, some from friends of Ron trying to catch up. One was from Ron’s mother, but he was unsure what to tell her. He didn’t know how close Brian was with members of Ron’s immediate family, but since they’d been together for ten years, he thought the woman should know Brian had been in an accident. But all these other people - who were they? How close were they to Brian? Even so, he couldn’t even begin to reply to all of them.
“Hey, Dad’s awake and he’s pissed about something,” Gus announced, then turned to leave.
“He’s up?”
Gus stopped. “I just told you that!” Then he stomped back towards the television room.
Jesus! Justin had been sure Brian would sleep through the night, but obviously not. He started up the stairs and could hear Brian yelling. He began to hurry, taking the steps two at a time.
“Brian, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
He was sitting on the bed in his baggy shorts, his long legs hanging over the side. “Where were you? I’m in here all alone! It was fucking dark in here! Where did you go?”
“I was downstairs, working on the computer.” Justin righted the lamp and switched it on. “I didn’t realize it would be so dark in here. I left the light on in the bathroom.”
“Where were you?” Now Brian was wincing. The room was too bright now. Justin flipped off the overhead switch by the door.
“I told you. I was working in the office.”
“Kinnetik is closed now. It’s dark out.”
Justin sat on the bed next to Brian. “Not Kinnetik, your home office. I was right downstairs. We talked about this, remember? I can’t sit with you every minute of the day. I have stuff to do. And I have to sleep, too - or try to.”
“With me,” said Brian.
Justin sighed. “I’m not supposed to sleep with you. Gus doesn’t want me to. That’s why I’ll be in the room down the hall.”
“Fuck what Gus wants! I want you in here!” Brian frowned. “You were here… before.”
“I know.” Justin thought about earlier in the evening. Well, at least one mystery had been solved - there was nothing wrong with the way Brian’s dick worked. But afterwards, when Brian fell asleep, he’d quietly slipped from the room. Carmel was downstairs, still in the kitchen, and Gus was in the television room, playing a game on the big screen. Justin went into the office and fired up the computer. Ted had given him all of Brian’s passwords. Justin had been surprised that Brian trusted Theodore, of all people, with access to his entire life, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Ted was Brian’s oldest friend besides Michael, he trusted him with his money, his business, and his secrets, such as they were. And now Justin had that access. He promised himself that he would never abuse that trust.
“You’re fine,” said Justin. “You’re safe here. I’m sorry I didn’t leave enough light on for you. I’ll make sure it never happens again.”
“I’m not afraid of the dark,” Brian insisted. “But… I got confused. I don’t like this room. Can’t we go to the loft? I’d feel better there.”
Dr. Peretti had been clear that the best way to deal with Brian’s stubbornness was to make it seem like things were his idea. Justin had smiled at that, since it was the way they always got Gus to do things when he was little.
“But you wanted to be here, in the house, to be close to Gus, remember? And Carmel came all the way from California to take care of you. And I’m here. And tomorrow Michael is coming over. There’s not enough room in the loft for everybody. Right?”
“Yeah, right.” Brian blinked. “If you say so.” Brian put his arm around Justin’s shoulder. “Where were you?”
Justin knew he had to be patient. But he got tired of repeating things. “I was in the office downstairs, answering e-mail. You have a lot of friends, Brian. They’re all concerned about you. Is there anything special you want me to tell them?”
“That… that…” Brian tilted his head, thinking. “I’m great. Everything’s great.”
“I’ll tell them that, then. Ron’s mother e-mailed. She didn’t know about your accident. Is it okay if I tell her about it?”
“Sure. She’s a nice lady.” Brian bit at lip lower lip. “Florida. She lives in Florida.”
“Yes, I think she does.”
“I should call her,” Brian said. “Tell her I’m great.” He paused. “Does she know about… about Ron?”
Justin swallowed. Here we go. “Yes, she knows, Brian. Everyone knows that Ron is…”
“He’s really dead, isn’t he?” Brian blinked again. “He’s never coming back.”
Justin felt his heart breaking. “Yes, Brian. He is. And, no, he’s never coming back. I’m so sorry. I really am.”
“Why? You didn’t do anything. You didn’t know him.” Brian ran his long fingers through his hair. “It feels like a long time ago… a long, long time. I never said goodbye. Did you know that?”
“No,” Justin whispered. “I didn’t know that.”
“And now…” Brian looked at Justin. “It’s hard to remember him. His face. His voice. Like he’s… disappearing.”
“That’s the accident,” said Justin. “It’s hard for you to remember a lot of things, but that will get better. You’ll remember all the good things. That’s what your cognitive therapist will help you with.”
“Who the fuck is that?”
“Dr. Deutsch. You haven’t met her yet. I’ll be taking you over there in a couple of days. Dr. Peretti and Dr. Sun recommend her highly. She’ll help you remember.”
Brian nodded, gazing into the distance. “You wish you could remember and I wish I could forget.”
Justin froze. “What did you say?”
Brian suddenly stood up, staring. “He was coming at you with the bat. And then he swung. You couldn’t remember and I couldn’t forget. All that blood. You were lying on the concrete floor. I thought you were dead! And I wanted to die, too! Fucking Hobbs. I couldn’t stop him! There was nothing I could do!”
Justin gently took Brian’s hand and pulled him back down on the bed. “Brian, that was 15 years ago. I’m here and I’m fine. See?” He took Brian’s hand and guided it to his head. “All in one piece. There’s a scar, but no one can see it. Hobbs is long gone. The nightmares are long gone. You helped me, remember? All better now? It’s true. And now I’m helping you.”
Brian squeezed his eyes shut. “It hurts. Why does it fucking hurt?”
Justin squeezed Brian’s hand. He had such strong, beautiful hands. “Things are fucked up right now, but they won’t always be. Tomorrow will be a little better, and then the next day, and the next. I’ll be here for you. And Gus and Carmel. Michael and Ted. And don’t forget Debbie and Carl. And your doctors. And all those friends, here and in L.A. We all care about you, Brian. Things will get back to normal. It’s only time, remember?”
Brian shuddered. “It’s only fucking time! Who said that? Who?”
Justin realized that was a mistake. Change the subject. “No one, Brian. No one at all. Would you like something to eat? You didn’t eat much dinner.”
“No. Gotta piss. And I need water.” He got up and headed to the bathroom. Justin heard the toilet flush and then the water running. Brian came out, looking like his old self, his hair sticking up, his body long and lean. But Justin knew that was an illusion. Brian was far from his old self and he could never forget that until Brian really was himself again.
“Why don’t you get some sleep now? It’s almost midnight.” Justin smoothed the bedclothes and pulled them back. “Get in.”
Brian got into bed, but he reached out again, taking Justin’s hand. “You said you wouldn’t leave me.”
Justin started to protest. Gus would be pissed off. But what was more important? What Gus wanted or what Brian needed? “You want me to sleep in here tonight?”
“Where the fuck else?” said Brian with annoyance. “I need to fuck if I’m going to sleep! No wonder that hospital was the worst. No fucking!”
Justin laughed. “Dr. Sun wouldn’t accommodate you?”
“He’s straighter than the stick up Gus’s straight boy ass!” Brian scoffed.
That really made Justin laugh. “Don’t say that. He’s your son, Brian.”
“I knew watching all those hetero kiddie shows would turn him straight,” said Brian. “Not enough Teletubbies. Or Burt and Ernie.”
“You remember that?”
“Of course, Sunshine,” said Brian. “Now get the fuck in here and take care of my cock!”
This would set the tone for the future, that much Justin knew. It didn’t matter what Gus wanted. This was about Brian. And Justin knew he needed it, too. Wanted it as much as Brian seemed to. If Brian was going to remember everything, he’d have to remember this. Making love. Fucking. And the difference.
He kissed Brian and stroked his chest. “You know that I love you, don’t you?”
Brian sighed. “I know. I thought I’d forgotten that, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I thought you were the one who forgot it.”
“Never, Brian,” said Justin. “I might have lied to myself, but I never forgot. I still love you. I always have.”
“Then help me, Justin,” said Brian. “You’re the only one who can.”