"Coup de Foudre" 62
I'm back with an important moment. Feel free to
comment.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, July 2016
“Brian?”
He was standing in the shadows, staring up at the darkening sky. Garrett looked at his profile and thought about how beautiful he was. It was a different kind of beauty than Simon had, which was more conventional, more like the star of an upscale soap opera. Brian’s beauty was slightly off-kilter, the nose that was a tad too large, the chin that was a tad too weak, that smirky smile with the odd tooth in an odd place, those eyes that were sometimes a friendly hazel and other times a fiery green. The contradictions of his face mirrored the complexity of the man.
Garrett almost stepped back. The feeling that struck him was too strong. He knew he wasn’t ready for it. And Brian wasn’t ready for it, either. No, it was the wrong time, the wrong place. Perhaps it would never be the right time. That thought gave Garrett pause.
“Can I offer you a fag?” Brian said. That smirk.
“How can I refuse such a compelling invitation?” Garrett took the proffered cigarette and Brian brought out his gold-plated lighter and lit it. Garrett took a puff. A guilty pleasure. But then everything he did with Brian was a guilty pleasure.
“You and Gus seemed to hit it off.”
“Your son is delightful,” Garrett said. “He reminds me of you.”
“I hope to fuck not,” Brian sighed. “I’m hoping he’s better than me - a lot better. But he’s only 15. That’s when kids start thinking for themselves - and making a shitload of mistakes. That’s what worries me.”
“He seems a sensible lad. And, regardless of what you may believe, you are a good father.”
Brian laughed. “Good is a relative term. Ron was a much better father than I am and he always claimed he hated kids. But that was all front. He had empathy. That’s one thing I’ve always lacked - empathy. Hence my sterling reputation as a heartless asshole.”
“Only by people who don’t know you,” said Garrett.
Brian raised an eyebrow. “And I suppose you think you know me?”
“A bit. Perhaps that isn’t enough,” Garrett admitted. “How well do you know me?”
“Not at all,” Brian confessed. “Not that I’ve tried. I’m too fucking shallow for that. It’s all about me. Always has been, always will be.”
To Brian’s surprise, Garrett didn’t answer. He didn’t challenge or contradict Brian’s statement at all. Maybe that meant Brian was right - and Garrett agreed that he was a shallow shit.
“How can I get to know anyone else when I don’t know myself?” Brian continued.
“Gnothi seauton,” Garrett pronounced in a commanding voice. “Dr. Featherstone. I can still hear those posh Oxford tones. He was my classics tutor.”
“Ah,” said Brian. “Know thyself. Yeah, I had a philosophy class somewhere along the way, but they didn’t expect us to know any Greek.”
“Oh, Dr. Featherstone expected it,” said Garrett. “I struggled mightily. Plato. Sophocles. Aristophanes. Then during the summer holiday I took a meager amount of money I’d managed to save out of my stipend and traveled to Greece by train, by way of Germany. I thought if I saw the place I’d understand the language. But another part of me wanted to know if there was any remnant there of a culture where… well, you understand.”
“Where guys could fuck other guys and write poems about it without getting their heads handed to them?” Brian sniffed. “In other words, Fairy Land? Yeah, I’m sure that worked out.”
“Obviously not,” said Garrett. “I would have been too afraid to approach anyone I fancied in any event. But I did come to understand one thing about Greece and the Greeks. As the train first came in sight of the sea, many of the passengers - Greek men who worked in Germany and sent their money home to their families - went to the windows of the train and opened them. They closed their eyes as they smelled the salt air and murmured, ‘thalassa, thalassa!’ - the sea, the sea!” Garrett smiled at the memory. “That’s when I understood their passion, which was an emotion as yet unknown to me. I always thought that if I ever had a daughter, I’d name her Thalassa.”
Brian shook his head. “You’re such a fucking romantic. It’s pathetic.”
“I know,” said Garrett. “And you detest romance. That I understand.”
“Listen,” said Brian. “That thing about taking Gus to England. I meant that. He’d love it and it would be a good opportunity for us to relate to each other. Ron loved England and… and he always wanted us to go there. I mean, as a family. There were so many things he wanted to share with Gus. I know you have classes in the fall and so does Gus, but maybe… well, two weeks in August might not be out of the question. I mean, this August. I could have Cynthia make the reservations. Money is no object. I could rent a car or even hire a driver to take us around. It doesn’t matter where we go. Hadrian’s fucking Wall or whatever. Seriously, no strings attached. It would be…”
“Brian, please stop!” said Garrett. “As much as the offer is tempting, you know that I must say no.”
Brian frowned. “Why the fuck would you say no?”
Garrett stared hard at Brian, trying to make him see reason. “Because I only met your son a few hours ago! And now you want the three of us to travel around England, with me sadly taking the place of your missing partner? I cannot think of a worse scheme at this time.”
“I told you, no strings attached!” Brian huffed. “You know the country better than I do. It’ll be fun! One of those spontaneous things you claim you want to do more of. We could leave next week if you’re afraid you won’t get back in time to get ready for class. Everything will be taken care of. One thing I know is how to travel. We can go in style or we can wing it as we go. Either way, Gus will love it.”
Garrett turned away, shaken by how tempted he was by Brian’s ridiculous plan. And that’s when he really knew.
“I can’t,” Garrett said slowly. “You know I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?” Brian pressed. “Don’t think - just do it!”
“No.” Garrett looked Brian in the eye. “I can’t. I can’t because… because of what we were speaking of before. You don’t know me well enough and you don’t really want to know me. Yes, you’re a spontaneous man, while I am not. But I know you well enough to understand that this trip isn’t about me or even about your son. It’s about you and Ron. You’re trying to recapture something you had with him. But it won’t work, Brian, because I’m not Ron and, alas, I never can be. I can never take his place and I know it’s a mistake for me even to try.”
Brian’s eyes darkened. “That’s complete bullshit! That’s not what I’m trying to do!”
“I think you need to speak with your therapist about that,” Garrett replied.
“Fuck you!” Brian lashed back. “If you don’t want to go, just say so. But don’t try to psychoanalyze me, mate!”
Garrett looked around for a place to deposit the stub of his cigarette. Finally, he simply dropped it onto the deck and crushed it with his heel. “I need to go now, Brian. I didn’t plan to end things this way, but perhaps it’s best to do it now before I truly hurt myself. I know I’ll never be anything more than a stand-in for the one you really love. And I don’t only mean Ron.”
“Then who?” Brian said, his voice so quiet Garrett almost couldn’t hear him.
“You well know,” said Garrett. “I’m already beginning to fall in love with you and that will never, ever work. Because you already love someone else. Or you have loved him for a long time, perhaps longer than you would ever admit. Perhaps that relationship was always doomed - doomed in the past and doomed in the future - but it exists and there will never be room for me in your heart.”
“You’re fucking high,” Brian whispered.
“I only wish I were,” Garrett said sadly. “You’ll never know how sorry I am, Brian. You’ll never know how I regret this. But, as I understood when I saw those Greek men looking at the sea - I lack that kind of passion. The kind of passion that is innate within you. The kind that Ron obviously possessed. The kind that Gus also seems to have. And Justin, too. I could never match you in that and soon enough you would be bored with me and I would be left with a very shattered heart. I’ve only lately begun to put that heart back together after losing Simon. I can’t risk it again.” Garrett kissed Brian gently on the lips. “I wish you nothing but happiness because you deserve it more than anyone else I know. Goodbye. I’ll see myself out.”
Garrett went back into the house, leaving Brian alone in the dark.
comment.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, July 2016
“Brian?”
He was standing in the shadows, staring up at the darkening sky. Garrett looked at his profile and thought about how beautiful he was. It was a different kind of beauty than Simon had, which was more conventional, more like the star of an upscale soap opera. Brian’s beauty was slightly off-kilter, the nose that was a tad too large, the chin that was a tad too weak, that smirky smile with the odd tooth in an odd place, those eyes that were sometimes a friendly hazel and other times a fiery green. The contradictions of his face mirrored the complexity of the man.
Garrett almost stepped back. The feeling that struck him was too strong. He knew he wasn’t ready for it. And Brian wasn’t ready for it, either. No, it was the wrong time, the wrong place. Perhaps it would never be the right time. That thought gave Garrett pause.
“Can I offer you a fag?” Brian said. That smirk.
“How can I refuse such a compelling invitation?” Garrett took the proffered cigarette and Brian brought out his gold-plated lighter and lit it. Garrett took a puff. A guilty pleasure. But then everything he did with Brian was a guilty pleasure.
“You and Gus seemed to hit it off.”
“Your son is delightful,” Garrett said. “He reminds me of you.”
“I hope to fuck not,” Brian sighed. “I’m hoping he’s better than me - a lot better. But he’s only 15. That’s when kids start thinking for themselves - and making a shitload of mistakes. That’s what worries me.”
“He seems a sensible lad. And, regardless of what you may believe, you are a good father.”
Brian laughed. “Good is a relative term. Ron was a much better father than I am and he always claimed he hated kids. But that was all front. He had empathy. That’s one thing I’ve always lacked - empathy. Hence my sterling reputation as a heartless asshole.”
“Only by people who don’t know you,” said Garrett.
Brian raised an eyebrow. “And I suppose you think you know me?”
“A bit. Perhaps that isn’t enough,” Garrett admitted. “How well do you know me?”
“Not at all,” Brian confessed. “Not that I’ve tried. I’m too fucking shallow for that. It’s all about me. Always has been, always will be.”
To Brian’s surprise, Garrett didn’t answer. He didn’t challenge or contradict Brian’s statement at all. Maybe that meant Brian was right - and Garrett agreed that he was a shallow shit.
“How can I get to know anyone else when I don’t know myself?” Brian continued.
“Gnothi seauton,” Garrett pronounced in a commanding voice. “Dr. Featherstone. I can still hear those posh Oxford tones. He was my classics tutor.”
“Ah,” said Brian. “Know thyself. Yeah, I had a philosophy class somewhere along the way, but they didn’t expect us to know any Greek.”
“Oh, Dr. Featherstone expected it,” said Garrett. “I struggled mightily. Plato. Sophocles. Aristophanes. Then during the summer holiday I took a meager amount of money I’d managed to save out of my stipend and traveled to Greece by train, by way of Germany. I thought if I saw the place I’d understand the language. But another part of me wanted to know if there was any remnant there of a culture where… well, you understand.”
“Where guys could fuck other guys and write poems about it without getting their heads handed to them?” Brian sniffed. “In other words, Fairy Land? Yeah, I’m sure that worked out.”
“Obviously not,” said Garrett. “I would have been too afraid to approach anyone I fancied in any event. But I did come to understand one thing about Greece and the Greeks. As the train first came in sight of the sea, many of the passengers - Greek men who worked in Germany and sent their money home to their families - went to the windows of the train and opened them. They closed their eyes as they smelled the salt air and murmured, ‘thalassa, thalassa!’ - the sea, the sea!” Garrett smiled at the memory. “That’s when I understood their passion, which was an emotion as yet unknown to me. I always thought that if I ever had a daughter, I’d name her Thalassa.”
Brian shook his head. “You’re such a fucking romantic. It’s pathetic.”
“I know,” said Garrett. “And you detest romance. That I understand.”
“Listen,” said Brian. “That thing about taking Gus to England. I meant that. He’d love it and it would be a good opportunity for us to relate to each other. Ron loved England and… and he always wanted us to go there. I mean, as a family. There were so many things he wanted to share with Gus. I know you have classes in the fall and so does Gus, but maybe… well, two weeks in August might not be out of the question. I mean, this August. I could have Cynthia make the reservations. Money is no object. I could rent a car or even hire a driver to take us around. It doesn’t matter where we go. Hadrian’s fucking Wall or whatever. Seriously, no strings attached. It would be…”
“Brian, please stop!” said Garrett. “As much as the offer is tempting, you know that I must say no.”
Brian frowned. “Why the fuck would you say no?”
Garrett stared hard at Brian, trying to make him see reason. “Because I only met your son a few hours ago! And now you want the three of us to travel around England, with me sadly taking the place of your missing partner? I cannot think of a worse scheme at this time.”
“I told you, no strings attached!” Brian huffed. “You know the country better than I do. It’ll be fun! One of those spontaneous things you claim you want to do more of. We could leave next week if you’re afraid you won’t get back in time to get ready for class. Everything will be taken care of. One thing I know is how to travel. We can go in style or we can wing it as we go. Either way, Gus will love it.”
Garrett turned away, shaken by how tempted he was by Brian’s ridiculous plan. And that’s when he really knew.
“I can’t,” Garrett said slowly. “You know I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?” Brian pressed. “Don’t think - just do it!”
“No.” Garrett looked Brian in the eye. “I can’t. I can’t because… because of what we were speaking of before. You don’t know me well enough and you don’t really want to know me. Yes, you’re a spontaneous man, while I am not. But I know you well enough to understand that this trip isn’t about me or even about your son. It’s about you and Ron. You’re trying to recapture something you had with him. But it won’t work, Brian, because I’m not Ron and, alas, I never can be. I can never take his place and I know it’s a mistake for me even to try.”
Brian’s eyes darkened. “That’s complete bullshit! That’s not what I’m trying to do!”
“I think you need to speak with your therapist about that,” Garrett replied.
“Fuck you!” Brian lashed back. “If you don’t want to go, just say so. But don’t try to psychoanalyze me, mate!”
Garrett looked around for a place to deposit the stub of his cigarette. Finally, he simply dropped it onto the deck and crushed it with his heel. “I need to go now, Brian. I didn’t plan to end things this way, but perhaps it’s best to do it now before I truly hurt myself. I know I’ll never be anything more than a stand-in for the one you really love. And I don’t only mean Ron.”
“Then who?” Brian said, his voice so quiet Garrett almost couldn’t hear him.
“You well know,” said Garrett. “I’m already beginning to fall in love with you and that will never, ever work. Because you already love someone else. Or you have loved him for a long time, perhaps longer than you would ever admit. Perhaps that relationship was always doomed - doomed in the past and doomed in the future - but it exists and there will never be room for me in your heart.”
“You’re fucking high,” Brian whispered.
“I only wish I were,” Garrett said sadly. “You’ll never know how sorry I am, Brian. You’ll never know how I regret this. But, as I understood when I saw those Greek men looking at the sea - I lack that kind of passion. The kind of passion that is innate within you. The kind that Ron obviously possessed. The kind that Gus also seems to have. And Justin, too. I could never match you in that and soon enough you would be bored with me and I would be left with a very shattered heart. I’ve only lately begun to put that heart back together after losing Simon. I can’t risk it again.” Garrett kissed Brian gently on the lips. “I wish you nothing but happiness because you deserve it more than anyone else I know. Goodbye. I’ll see myself out.”
Garrett went back into the house, leaving Brian alone in the dark.