"Queer Identities" -- Chapter 104 "Beautiful"
Justin uses his journal to say what he's afraid to say out loud.
This is Chapter 104 in the "Queer Identities" series.
The narrator is Justin Taylor, and features Brian Kinney, Ted Schmidt, Avi Massarsky, Michael Novotny, Debbie Novotny, Others.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: More of Justin's Journal. Los Angeles, March 2004.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. This is for fun, not profit. Enjoy.
Earlier "QI" chapters online and on the LJ are here:
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaelmcgear/Gaedhalficpage.html
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaedhal/
Most recent "QI" chapters on the LJ are here:
Ch. 101 "If I Should Fall Behind"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/443380.html
Ch. 102 "Interrupted"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/443967.html
Ch. 103 "Income"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/444663.html
By Gaedhal
"Everyday is so wonderful,
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
Now and then I get insecure, from all the pain,
I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful no matter what they say,
Words can't bring me down.
I am beautiful in every single way,
Yes, words can't bring me down.
So don't you bring me down today.
To all your friends you're delirious,
So consumed in all your doom,
Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the pieces gone,
Left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is..."
***
Thursday, March 4, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon. Afternoon.
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
My mom would say that's such a Brian thing to say.
Fuckity fuckadoodle.
Maybe that sounds more like me.
Or maybe not.
Things have been weird enough before today -- and then...
I had to stop because Brian came in. I hate stopping in the middle of something & then trying to hide my journal without looking like I'm hiding it. It's so fucking obvious. Not that Brian would read my journal because he'd never do that. But...
See? I'm paranoid. This whole thing is making me paranoid.
The first weird thing was...
Notice how I say 'first' weird thing. Like my entire life isn't weird. Or marrying Brian. Or my mother & Jimmy Hardy. So -- the first weird thing in a day & a half --
When I came downstairs yesterday there was Ted. I did a double take, I was so surprised. I mean, WTF?
Turns out that he was here for a meeting. A business meeting. With Brian and Hilly -- and me. I'm part of Brian's business now. The ball & chain, as he calls me.
I thought I knew something about Brian's business -- by which I mean money & property & investments, etc. But I found out that I don't know shit. Not a clue to even a fraction of what my husband (that word again!) has been up to. Like sticking his fingers into the business -- literally! -- of just about every person we know in the Pitts. He bought Babylon! Which is totally insane! And the diner! So they can never fire Deb -- not that they ever would, but still. And Brian gave Vic & Em the money to get their catering business off the ground. So many things. I was trying to keep them all straight.
And a trust fund for me. Which he put together a long time ago, as far as I can figure. He made it so I get the money when I'm 30. Brian says that's when I'll be over the hill, so I'll need cash instead. Very funny, that guy I married (!).
It's great how Brian wants to help everyone he knows. He's always been like that. Generous with his money. Bailing Michael out many times. Helping Debbie and Vic, always under the table. Making donations to things he'd never admit to, like AIDS charities & pro-gay politicians -- or the fucking Gay and Lesbian Center. I know he's given a lot of money to Senator Baxter for her campaigns & there are others I probably don't know about. In a way Brian is what my father would call a soft touch -- he seems hard & cold on the outside, but inside he's mushy & kind-hearted & can't turn down a sob story or a friend in need. Yup, that's the same Brian Kinney. And I ought to know better than anyone about that crazy sentimental side.
It really pisses me off that Brian will never get a thank you from some people -- I'm looking at you, Melanie Marcus! And Lindsay, too, in a lot of ways. They always expect him to bail them out -- & he always does. But then they bad-mouth him behind his back. But Brian knows they do it. It hurts him, but he'd never say it. I've even heard Deb talk trash about Brian, calling him a heartless asshole & all that crap. I used to hear it when I was living at Debbie's house & I'm ashamed to say that I let it pass a lot of the time. But no longer. No one is going to say shit about my partner -- my husband! -- as long as I can lift my fist to punch them in the fucking mouth. Hear that, Rex Walcott? Bam! Hear that, Howie Sheldon? Pow!
Maybe I should start drawing J.T. as a superhero, too. Why not? There could be a story where he can come to Rage's rescue. Of course, Michael will bitch about it. But why does J.T. always have to be the one getting saved? J.T. isn't exactly Lois Lane!
I'll have to make some sketches and e-mail them to Michael.
It was fun seeing Ted. I was afraid that he'd be all strange after going through rehab, but except for looking older & thinner, he was the same kind of sad sack Ted he's always been. At dinner he was pretty chipper, though, especially since Brian arranged to have him "entertained" by our favorite driver/hot slut Ramon! It was classic when they both trailed down to dinner.
"Ramon," said Brian, with an evil grin. "Fancy meeting you here."
Ramon grinned back -- his smile is almost as evil as Brian's. And Ted blushed about five shades of red. I was cracking up!
Later Brian told me Theodore needed to get laid & Ramon is always willing to lend a helping hand in that area -- & at no extra charge. I guess Ramon just likes to please a good customer!
Yeah, as long as he stays away from Brian, that is.
Not that anything would happen at this point.
Or maybe adding Ramon into the mix might... No, I don't think so. Besides, once Ramon has been with Ted, there's no way Brian will want to fuck him, even if he could. Brian is a little picky that way...
I had to stop again because Avi knocked on the door. I've been writing while Brian is taking his nap. I'm supposed to keep him up here for as long as I can until Leslie gets here & now she's here, so I have to stop now...
***
Thursday, March 4, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon. Evening.
Okay. This is fucked up. I'm not kidding.
Michael just called Brian's cell again, after leaving a message earlier. Michael's seen it. Apparently everybody's seen it and now they are leaving messages. Lindsay will be calling again and she'll demand to talk to Brian. And Debbie! I had totally forgot that Deb doesn't know. She's going to hit the fucking roof because Brian didn't tell her!
Wait -- backtrack, Justin. Fill in the fucking blanks.
This morning Brian went for his treatment. He's been feeling extra tired lately. Dr. Sun says his white blood cell count is down & that's making him feel wiped out. Plus Ted is here & Brian is trying to act like he's not sick, which just makes him sicker in the end.
After his treatment we came directly back to the house. Avi had taken Carmel out shopping & Ted tagged along to see a little bit of L.A. We were planning on going to the boat for the weekend, but Ted has to leave on Saturday, so Brian decided we should take Ted out for the day tomorrow (Friday). Relax on the boat & maybe take a short cruise & then have dinner at the marina. So Brian was lying out by the pool & I was in my studio working on that fucking canvas I've been having so much trouble with. I'm really getting frustrated with it -- I want to paint it over & start again, except Brian would kill me after all the work I've done already.
So Avi came in & said, "We just got back. Could you come into the kitchen in a few minutes? I don't want Brian to know that something's up."
"Well, what is up?"
Avi looked grim. "You'll see."
Yeah, I saw! Goddamn!
Brian was reading 'GQ' by the pool. I just kind of flicked him on the head as I went by, as nonchalantly as I could. "Twat," he murmured.
In the kitchen Ted & Avi & Carmel were huddled together at the counter, looking at something.
"What?" I asked.
Ted shook his head. Then he handed it to me.
It was the new 'National Enquirer.' There on the cover was a photo of Brian & me coming out of the building where he gets his radiation. The picture was for shit, naturally. Brian's face looked drawn & he was skinny as hell. I looked worried. I had my arm linked in his, which is how I like to walk with him, but it seemed like I was propping him up. In other words -- he looked sick. Really, really sick.
In huge letters the headline read: "Brian Kinney Secret Cancer Battle." And in smaller print underneath: "Gay Wedding Last Chance for Happiness."
"Holy fuck!" I couldn't stop myself from shouting.
"Quiet!" Ted urged. "You don't want Bri coming in & seeing this, do you?"
"Of course not," I said. "But I don't see how we can keep it away from him."
"Whatever we do, we can't let him answer the phone," said Avi. "I called Leslie & she's in San Diego, but she said she'll get back as soon as she can. In the meanwhile, we're supposed to hold down the fort & not talk to any reporters."
Reporters! Jesus. After the whole thing with the wedding, they're all going to want this story. Brian's hope to have his cancer stay a secret has completely exploded.
I opened to the actual article. Any guesses who wrote it?
I'm going to fucking murder Rex Walcott & I don't care if I go to jail for it! I hate hate hate him so fucking much!
The bad thing is that article is true in a way. Yes Brian has cancer & yes he's getting treated but it's so exaggerated & sensationalized like Brian is dying, which is utter bullshit! It also basically says the only reason we got married was to "protect" his "boytoy" -- Walcott loves calling me that, the prick! -- after he's dead!
This makes me so fucking furious!
"We have to sue," I said.
"Good luck with that," said Ted. "You know how suing these gossip rags always ends up. They just get more publicity, which is exactly what they want."
Ted's right -- unfortunately. It's so fucking frustrating!
That's when I went upstairs and got Brian's cell from the bedstand. Since he started treatment he hasn't been carrying it with him because he doesn't want to be bothered. This is a good thing, especially now. I checked & there were already eight messages on it. From Michael, Lindsay, Emmett, Tim, Debbie, Diane, Sir Ken -- do they have the 'National Enquirer' in England? -- and Brian's sister, Claire.
I was just starting to listen to the messages when Michael called again.
"Is Brian freaking out?" He was shouting into the phone.
"He doesn't know. He hasn't seen the article."
"How could he not have seen it! I walked into the corner store to get a Diet Pepsi and there it was in the rack! I almost shit right there!"
"That will get you banned from the store for sure," I commented.
"Don't be a brat, Justin, this is serious!"
Michael can be a real pain sometimes. "Don't you think I know that? But since he started treatment Brian's been living in a bubble. That's for his own protection. He needs to rest & he needs to heal. And crap like this won't help that."
"When are you going to tell him?"
"How the hell should I know? He only has three more days of radiation left -- Friday, then Monday & Tuesday. After that, I don't know."
"You'll never keep it from him until Tuesday. All he needs to do is glance at the internet for two minutes. It's everywhere! It's on the front page of Yahoo, for fuck sake!"
"We're going on the boat for weekend. I've got his phone & there's no internet or TV."
"Don't the reporters know about that boat?" asked Michael. "I'm thinking about some pictures they printed that were taken at the boat."
Fuck. Those pictures again. My ass is never going to live that down. "We'll take the boat out on the ocean & sit. They can't take pictures there."
"Good luck with that," Michael sniffed.
Another call was coming through. "I have to go now. I'll keep you posted."
"But I want to talk with Brian!"
"Later Michael."
Of course, it was Debbie on the line.
"Cancer! Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me?"
"We were trying to keep it quiet, Deb. The fewer the people who knew, the better."
"I'm not people!" Deb was yelling even louder than Michael. "I need to know this! How could that asshole not tell me?"
This is the way it's going to be -- and these are his friends. Imagine how his enemies are going to spin things. So frustrating!
"He's dying!" Now Debbie was sobbing. "He's going to die, isn't he? Just like poor Vic! Why is this happening?"
"He's not dying, Deb. I swear he isn't. The story is bullshit. He had a ball removed & he's getting radiation, but he's going to be fine."
"A ball? Oh, the poor baby!" she wailed. "I need to go to church! I'll say a Novena. I'll light candles. I'll do anything!"
"You do that," I said. "Brian is resting. But I'll have him call you when he feels up to it, okay?"
"Does his mother know?"
I thought about Brian's sister leaving a message, which I hadn't listened to yet. "She does now," I said. "Bye, Deb."
So I listened to the messages. Em wanted to know if Ted knew about Brian before he left for L.A. Lindsay insisted that Brian call her back immediately. Tim left a quiet & concerned message that he was thinking of Brian & me & was available if we wanted to talk.
Then Diane. "The shit is hitting the fan now, Bridie. I freaking warned you about that. If you need to hide out, let me know. Over & out."
Sir Ken, it turned out, was in New York, getting ready to do Shakespeare Off-Broadway. "Dear Boy, I am so distressed. Please tell me this story is not true. I send my belated best wishes to you & Justin on your nuptials."
And finally there was Claire. The raging fucking bitch.
"What about the money, Brian? You better not leave me to take care of Mom all by myself because I can't afford it! If you think that little blond fag you're shacked up with is getting everything, you have another thing coming! Because I'll get a lawyer! Fag marriage isn't legal! I don't care what you say, Brian. Do you hear me? You better call me back."
I deleted that message. I never want Brian to hear it. Ever. I only wish I hadn't heard it.
I have to stop now. I'm fucking exhausted.
***
Friday, March 5, 2004. On La Diva, Marina del Rey. Very late.
Today we went to the boat.
Big mistake.
When I took Brian to his treatment this morning Avi checked to make certain there were no reporters outside. They've been calling the house, but Leslie came over yesterday & has been taking the calls in the office, while I had his cell. I hate to say that it's a good thing Brian's been so wiped out -- he's been sleeping a lot -- so he wasn't aware of what was going on.
Last night he was sick again. Heaving & shaking half the night. After he finally fell asleep I just watched over him because there was no way I could get any sleep. He really does look tired & thin, but -- fuck! -- he's still so beautiful. It makes my heart hurt that he's in pain.
Beautiful.
Fuckadoodle doo, Brian. What are we going to do?
We took the P.T. Cruiser to radiation & then to the boat. Brian usually complains because he has to fold himself into the Cruiser, but not today. I figured any reporters would be less likely to expect Brian Kinney in a P.T. Cruiser. Ted got in the backseat. We also piled food & some extra blankets in the back. Ted was going to stay all night on the boat & I'd drive him to the airport to catch his Saturday afternoon flight. Sorry, Ted -- no Ramon this time!
It was a beautiful day. Perfect to be on the boat. Blue sky. Warm, with a cool breeze off the Pacific. Brian & Ted were getting along -- in their way. Things seemed to be looking up.
There's a convenience store at the marina. We used to buy beer & snacks there. I parked & we unpacked the car. So then Brian says, "I need more ginger ale."
I never thought anything about it.
Five minutes later Brian comes down the dock. He isn't carrying the ginger ale.
He's carrying a copy of the 'National Enquirer.'
"Shit," Ted said.
"Fuck," I said.
"What's this?" said Brian. His face was pale & strained. Not really angry, but more weary. Discouraged. Defeated. "What the fuck?"
Ted & I looked at each other. "I didn't want you to see it," I said. "I'm sorry. It's Walcott. I don't know how he got the story."
Brian climbed painfully into the boat. "He could have gotten it anywhere. Someone was following us -- obviously." He stared at the picture on the cover. "I look like shit."
"It's just a bad shot, Bri," said Ted. "So grainy."
"It looks like I feel." He put his head down. "They think I'm going to die. It says so right here!"
"But that's bullshit & you know it!" I cried.
"Is it?" he whispered. "Sometimes I wonder."
"Let's get the fuck out of here," I said.
I'm not the greatest at driving the boat, but I manage when I have to. I guided it out of the marina & into open water. That's one place no one can find us. It was breezy, so there were a lot of small crafts & sailboats, but I maneuvered around them until we were just in sight of land. Then I cut the engine & let La Diva drift.
Brian sat in the deck chair, staring out at the ocean, while Ted & I sat inside the cabin, talking quietly.
"I thought he'd freak out," said Ted. "But he's just... so subdued. That's not like Brian at all."
"He's depressed," I told him. "And he's sicker than he wants to admit."
"I know," said Ted. "I heard him puking last night. It was pretty difficult to ignore."
"What am I going to do?" It seemed so strange to be confiding in Ted. Who would have thought that of all the people we know, Ted would be the one who would understand the best. Maybe Tim would have been better, but Ted is really being great. I'm glad he's here.
"Like they taught us in rehab -- one day at a time," he said. "But it isn't just for Brian, because everything he's going through, you're going through, too, Justin. That's what it means to be a partner." He paused, as if thinking something over. Then he said, "I don't think Bri would mind me telling you this. The night you were bashed I came to the hospital. Michael called & told us to get there right away. Emmett & I came as quickly as we could. Michael was practically hysterical at that point, barely getting the story out. All we knew at that point was that you were in a coma & they didn't know if you would live. I noticed that Michael had blood on his hands & I asked where it came from. He said from Brian. But we didn't see Brian. Emmett sat with Michael while we waited for Debbie & Vic to get there, but I went looking -- looking for Brian. I found him in a corner, his face to the wall. He was wearing a tux & a long white scarf. The scarf... it was covered with blood. And so was Brian. His clothes. His hands. His face. And... his lips." Ted paused again. "He'd been kissing you & the blood smeared all over his face. It was obvious. His eyes were red from crying, but he didn't make a sound. He just stared at the wall. I know for a fact that he sat there for days without moving. It was only when they said you would live that he finally got up and walked out the door. Michael ran after him, calling to him. But he never looked back."
"Shit," was all I could say.
Ted leaned towards me. "Did you know that?"
"Yes, but no one told it to me quite that way. You know that he was there when I was in the rehab unit?"
"No, I didn't know," said Ted.
"Every night. Watching over me. My mother & the nurse were the only ones who knew."
Ted nodded. "I'm not surprised. That's the Kinney Way. Doing things, both for Good & Evil, in the dark of the night when no one will see him."
"Like Rage," I said.
"I don't know much about comic books or superheroes," Ted admitted. "But I know he loves you. I only wish someone loved me like that. Or would -- one day."
"I don't want him to die," I whispered. "I'm scared. Really scared. And now everyone knows about the cancer. Everyone will think it's... bad. That makes it so much worse."
"He won't die," said Ted. "He's Brian Kinney. That's a hard thing to kill."
"I know," I replied. "But that doesn't make it any easier. The thing he fears the most is pity."
"Then you have to be strong and not pitiful -- both of you."
"I know."
And so we floated until it got dark & the beautiful stars came out.
Then I drove the boat back to the dock & while Brian & Ted slept, I watched & waited for the dawn. And what would happen next.
***
"You are beautiful no matter what they say,
Words can't bring you down.
'Cause you are beautiful in every single way,
Yes, words can't bring you down,
So don't you bring me down today.
No matter what we do,
No matter what we say,
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes.
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine,
And tomorrow we might awake on the other side.
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say,
Yes, words won't bring us down, no,
We are beautiful in every single way,
Yes, words can't bring us down.
So don't you bring me down today."
(Linda Perry)
This is Chapter 104 in the "Queer Identities" series.
The narrator is Justin Taylor, and features Brian Kinney, Ted Schmidt, Avi Massarsky, Michael Novotny, Debbie Novotny, Others.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: More of Justin's Journal. Los Angeles, March 2004.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. This is for fun, not profit. Enjoy.
Earlier "QI" chapters online and on the LJ are here:
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaelmcgear/Gaedhalficpage.html
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaedhal/
Most recent "QI" chapters on the LJ are here:
Ch. 101 "If I Should Fall Behind"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/443380.html
Ch. 102 "Interrupted"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/443967.html
Ch. 103 "Income"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/444663.html
By Gaedhal
"Everyday is so wonderful,
Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe.
Now and then I get insecure, from all the pain,
I'm so ashamed.
I am beautiful no matter what they say,
Words can't bring me down.
I am beautiful in every single way,
Yes, words can't bring me down.
So don't you bring me down today.
To all your friends you're delirious,
So consumed in all your doom,
Trying hard to fill the emptiness, the pieces gone,
Left the puzzle undone, is that the way it is..."
***
Thursday, March 4, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon. Afternoon.
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
My mom would say that's such a Brian thing to say.
Fuckity fuckadoodle.
Maybe that sounds more like me.
Or maybe not.
Things have been weird enough before today -- and then...
I had to stop because Brian came in. I hate stopping in the middle of something & then trying to hide my journal without looking like I'm hiding it. It's so fucking obvious. Not that Brian would read my journal because he'd never do that. But...
See? I'm paranoid. This whole thing is making me paranoid.
The first weird thing was...
Notice how I say 'first' weird thing. Like my entire life isn't weird. Or marrying Brian. Or my mother & Jimmy Hardy. So -- the first weird thing in a day & a half --
When I came downstairs yesterday there was Ted. I did a double take, I was so surprised. I mean, WTF?
Turns out that he was here for a meeting. A business meeting. With Brian and Hilly -- and me. I'm part of Brian's business now. The ball & chain, as he calls me.
I thought I knew something about Brian's business -- by which I mean money & property & investments, etc. But I found out that I don't know shit. Not a clue to even a fraction of what my husband (that word again!) has been up to. Like sticking his fingers into the business -- literally! -- of just about every person we know in the Pitts. He bought Babylon! Which is totally insane! And the diner! So they can never fire Deb -- not that they ever would, but still. And Brian gave Vic & Em the money to get their catering business off the ground. So many things. I was trying to keep them all straight.
And a trust fund for me. Which he put together a long time ago, as far as I can figure. He made it so I get the money when I'm 30. Brian says that's when I'll be over the hill, so I'll need cash instead. Very funny, that guy I married (!).
It's great how Brian wants to help everyone he knows. He's always been like that. Generous with his money. Bailing Michael out many times. Helping Debbie and Vic, always under the table. Making donations to things he'd never admit to, like AIDS charities & pro-gay politicians -- or the fucking Gay and Lesbian Center. I know he's given a lot of money to Senator Baxter for her campaigns & there are others I probably don't know about. In a way Brian is what my father would call a soft touch -- he seems hard & cold on the outside, but inside he's mushy & kind-hearted & can't turn down a sob story or a friend in need. Yup, that's the same Brian Kinney. And I ought to know better than anyone about that crazy sentimental side.
It really pisses me off that Brian will never get a thank you from some people -- I'm looking at you, Melanie Marcus! And Lindsay, too, in a lot of ways. They always expect him to bail them out -- & he always does. But then they bad-mouth him behind his back. But Brian knows they do it. It hurts him, but he'd never say it. I've even heard Deb talk trash about Brian, calling him a heartless asshole & all that crap. I used to hear it when I was living at Debbie's house & I'm ashamed to say that I let it pass a lot of the time. But no longer. No one is going to say shit about my partner -- my husband! -- as long as I can lift my fist to punch them in the fucking mouth. Hear that, Rex Walcott? Bam! Hear that, Howie Sheldon? Pow!
Maybe I should start drawing J.T. as a superhero, too. Why not? There could be a story where he can come to Rage's rescue. Of course, Michael will bitch about it. But why does J.T. always have to be the one getting saved? J.T. isn't exactly Lois Lane!
I'll have to make some sketches and e-mail them to Michael.
It was fun seeing Ted. I was afraid that he'd be all strange after going through rehab, but except for looking older & thinner, he was the same kind of sad sack Ted he's always been. At dinner he was pretty chipper, though, especially since Brian arranged to have him "entertained" by our favorite driver/hot slut Ramon! It was classic when they both trailed down to dinner.
"Ramon," said Brian, with an evil grin. "Fancy meeting you here."
Ramon grinned back -- his smile is almost as evil as Brian's. And Ted blushed about five shades of red. I was cracking up!
Later Brian told me Theodore needed to get laid & Ramon is always willing to lend a helping hand in that area -- & at no extra charge. I guess Ramon just likes to please a good customer!
Yeah, as long as he stays away from Brian, that is.
Not that anything would happen at this point.
Or maybe adding Ramon into the mix might... No, I don't think so. Besides, once Ramon has been with Ted, there's no way Brian will want to fuck him, even if he could. Brian is a little picky that way...
I had to stop again because Avi knocked on the door. I've been writing while Brian is taking his nap. I'm supposed to keep him up here for as long as I can until Leslie gets here & now she's here, so I have to stop now...
***
Thursday, March 4, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon. Evening.
Okay. This is fucked up. I'm not kidding.
Michael just called Brian's cell again, after leaving a message earlier. Michael's seen it. Apparently everybody's seen it and now they are leaving messages. Lindsay will be calling again and she'll demand to talk to Brian. And Debbie! I had totally forgot that Deb doesn't know. She's going to hit the fucking roof because Brian didn't tell her!
Wait -- backtrack, Justin. Fill in the fucking blanks.
This morning Brian went for his treatment. He's been feeling extra tired lately. Dr. Sun says his white blood cell count is down & that's making him feel wiped out. Plus Ted is here & Brian is trying to act like he's not sick, which just makes him sicker in the end.
After his treatment we came directly back to the house. Avi had taken Carmel out shopping & Ted tagged along to see a little bit of L.A. We were planning on going to the boat for the weekend, but Ted has to leave on Saturday, so Brian decided we should take Ted out for the day tomorrow (Friday). Relax on the boat & maybe take a short cruise & then have dinner at the marina. So Brian was lying out by the pool & I was in my studio working on that fucking canvas I've been having so much trouble with. I'm really getting frustrated with it -- I want to paint it over & start again, except Brian would kill me after all the work I've done already.
So Avi came in & said, "We just got back. Could you come into the kitchen in a few minutes? I don't want Brian to know that something's up."
"Well, what is up?"
Avi looked grim. "You'll see."
Yeah, I saw! Goddamn!
Brian was reading 'GQ' by the pool. I just kind of flicked him on the head as I went by, as nonchalantly as I could. "Twat," he murmured.
In the kitchen Ted & Avi & Carmel were huddled together at the counter, looking at something.
"What?" I asked.
Ted shook his head. Then he handed it to me.
It was the new 'National Enquirer.' There on the cover was a photo of Brian & me coming out of the building where he gets his radiation. The picture was for shit, naturally. Brian's face looked drawn & he was skinny as hell. I looked worried. I had my arm linked in his, which is how I like to walk with him, but it seemed like I was propping him up. In other words -- he looked sick. Really, really sick.
In huge letters the headline read: "Brian Kinney Secret Cancer Battle." And in smaller print underneath: "Gay Wedding Last Chance for Happiness."
"Holy fuck!" I couldn't stop myself from shouting.
"Quiet!" Ted urged. "You don't want Bri coming in & seeing this, do you?"
"Of course not," I said. "But I don't see how we can keep it away from him."
"Whatever we do, we can't let him answer the phone," said Avi. "I called Leslie & she's in San Diego, but she said she'll get back as soon as she can. In the meanwhile, we're supposed to hold down the fort & not talk to any reporters."
Reporters! Jesus. After the whole thing with the wedding, they're all going to want this story. Brian's hope to have his cancer stay a secret has completely exploded.
I opened to the actual article. Any guesses who wrote it?
I'm going to fucking murder Rex Walcott & I don't care if I go to jail for it! I hate hate hate him so fucking much!
The bad thing is that article is true in a way. Yes Brian has cancer & yes he's getting treated but it's so exaggerated & sensationalized like Brian is dying, which is utter bullshit! It also basically says the only reason we got married was to "protect" his "boytoy" -- Walcott loves calling me that, the prick! -- after he's dead!
This makes me so fucking furious!
"We have to sue," I said.
"Good luck with that," said Ted. "You know how suing these gossip rags always ends up. They just get more publicity, which is exactly what they want."
Ted's right -- unfortunately. It's so fucking frustrating!
That's when I went upstairs and got Brian's cell from the bedstand. Since he started treatment he hasn't been carrying it with him because he doesn't want to be bothered. This is a good thing, especially now. I checked & there were already eight messages on it. From Michael, Lindsay, Emmett, Tim, Debbie, Diane, Sir Ken -- do they have the 'National Enquirer' in England? -- and Brian's sister, Claire.
I was just starting to listen to the messages when Michael called again.
"Is Brian freaking out?" He was shouting into the phone.
"He doesn't know. He hasn't seen the article."
"How could he not have seen it! I walked into the corner store to get a Diet Pepsi and there it was in the rack! I almost shit right there!"
"That will get you banned from the store for sure," I commented.
"Don't be a brat, Justin, this is serious!"
Michael can be a real pain sometimes. "Don't you think I know that? But since he started treatment Brian's been living in a bubble. That's for his own protection. He needs to rest & he needs to heal. And crap like this won't help that."
"When are you going to tell him?"
"How the hell should I know? He only has three more days of radiation left -- Friday, then Monday & Tuesday. After that, I don't know."
"You'll never keep it from him until Tuesday. All he needs to do is glance at the internet for two minutes. It's everywhere! It's on the front page of Yahoo, for fuck sake!"
"We're going on the boat for weekend. I've got his phone & there's no internet or TV."
"Don't the reporters know about that boat?" asked Michael. "I'm thinking about some pictures they printed that were taken at the boat."
Fuck. Those pictures again. My ass is never going to live that down. "We'll take the boat out on the ocean & sit. They can't take pictures there."
"Good luck with that," Michael sniffed.
Another call was coming through. "I have to go now. I'll keep you posted."
"But I want to talk with Brian!"
"Later Michael."
Of course, it was Debbie on the line.
"Cancer! Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me?"
"We were trying to keep it quiet, Deb. The fewer the people who knew, the better."
"I'm not people!" Deb was yelling even louder than Michael. "I need to know this! How could that asshole not tell me?"
This is the way it's going to be -- and these are his friends. Imagine how his enemies are going to spin things. So frustrating!
"He's dying!" Now Debbie was sobbing. "He's going to die, isn't he? Just like poor Vic! Why is this happening?"
"He's not dying, Deb. I swear he isn't. The story is bullshit. He had a ball removed & he's getting radiation, but he's going to be fine."
"A ball? Oh, the poor baby!" she wailed. "I need to go to church! I'll say a Novena. I'll light candles. I'll do anything!"
"You do that," I said. "Brian is resting. But I'll have him call you when he feels up to it, okay?"
"Does his mother know?"
I thought about Brian's sister leaving a message, which I hadn't listened to yet. "She does now," I said. "Bye, Deb."
So I listened to the messages. Em wanted to know if Ted knew about Brian before he left for L.A. Lindsay insisted that Brian call her back immediately. Tim left a quiet & concerned message that he was thinking of Brian & me & was available if we wanted to talk.
Then Diane. "The shit is hitting the fan now, Bridie. I freaking warned you about that. If you need to hide out, let me know. Over & out."
Sir Ken, it turned out, was in New York, getting ready to do Shakespeare Off-Broadway. "Dear Boy, I am so distressed. Please tell me this story is not true. I send my belated best wishes to you & Justin on your nuptials."
And finally there was Claire. The raging fucking bitch.
"What about the money, Brian? You better not leave me to take care of Mom all by myself because I can't afford it! If you think that little blond fag you're shacked up with is getting everything, you have another thing coming! Because I'll get a lawyer! Fag marriage isn't legal! I don't care what you say, Brian. Do you hear me? You better call me back."
I deleted that message. I never want Brian to hear it. Ever. I only wish I hadn't heard it.
I have to stop now. I'm fucking exhausted.
***
Friday, March 5, 2004. On La Diva, Marina del Rey. Very late.
Today we went to the boat.
Big mistake.
When I took Brian to his treatment this morning Avi checked to make certain there were no reporters outside. They've been calling the house, but Leslie came over yesterday & has been taking the calls in the office, while I had his cell. I hate to say that it's a good thing Brian's been so wiped out -- he's been sleeping a lot -- so he wasn't aware of what was going on.
Last night he was sick again. Heaving & shaking half the night. After he finally fell asleep I just watched over him because there was no way I could get any sleep. He really does look tired & thin, but -- fuck! -- he's still so beautiful. It makes my heart hurt that he's in pain.
Beautiful.
Fuckadoodle doo, Brian. What are we going to do?
We took the P.T. Cruiser to radiation & then to the boat. Brian usually complains because he has to fold himself into the Cruiser, but not today. I figured any reporters would be less likely to expect Brian Kinney in a P.T. Cruiser. Ted got in the backseat. We also piled food & some extra blankets in the back. Ted was going to stay all night on the boat & I'd drive him to the airport to catch his Saturday afternoon flight. Sorry, Ted -- no Ramon this time!
It was a beautiful day. Perfect to be on the boat. Blue sky. Warm, with a cool breeze off the Pacific. Brian & Ted were getting along -- in their way. Things seemed to be looking up.
There's a convenience store at the marina. We used to buy beer & snacks there. I parked & we unpacked the car. So then Brian says, "I need more ginger ale."
I never thought anything about it.
Five minutes later Brian comes down the dock. He isn't carrying the ginger ale.
He's carrying a copy of the 'National Enquirer.'
"Shit," Ted said.
"Fuck," I said.
"What's this?" said Brian. His face was pale & strained. Not really angry, but more weary. Discouraged. Defeated. "What the fuck?"
Ted & I looked at each other. "I didn't want you to see it," I said. "I'm sorry. It's Walcott. I don't know how he got the story."
Brian climbed painfully into the boat. "He could have gotten it anywhere. Someone was following us -- obviously." He stared at the picture on the cover. "I look like shit."
"It's just a bad shot, Bri," said Ted. "So grainy."
"It looks like I feel." He put his head down. "They think I'm going to die. It says so right here!"
"But that's bullshit & you know it!" I cried.
"Is it?" he whispered. "Sometimes I wonder."
"Let's get the fuck out of here," I said.
I'm not the greatest at driving the boat, but I manage when I have to. I guided it out of the marina & into open water. That's one place no one can find us. It was breezy, so there were a lot of small crafts & sailboats, but I maneuvered around them until we were just in sight of land. Then I cut the engine & let La Diva drift.
Brian sat in the deck chair, staring out at the ocean, while Ted & I sat inside the cabin, talking quietly.
"I thought he'd freak out," said Ted. "But he's just... so subdued. That's not like Brian at all."
"He's depressed," I told him. "And he's sicker than he wants to admit."
"I know," said Ted. "I heard him puking last night. It was pretty difficult to ignore."
"What am I going to do?" It seemed so strange to be confiding in Ted. Who would have thought that of all the people we know, Ted would be the one who would understand the best. Maybe Tim would have been better, but Ted is really being great. I'm glad he's here.
"Like they taught us in rehab -- one day at a time," he said. "But it isn't just for Brian, because everything he's going through, you're going through, too, Justin. That's what it means to be a partner." He paused, as if thinking something over. Then he said, "I don't think Bri would mind me telling you this. The night you were bashed I came to the hospital. Michael called & told us to get there right away. Emmett & I came as quickly as we could. Michael was practically hysterical at that point, barely getting the story out. All we knew at that point was that you were in a coma & they didn't know if you would live. I noticed that Michael had blood on his hands & I asked where it came from. He said from Brian. But we didn't see Brian. Emmett sat with Michael while we waited for Debbie & Vic to get there, but I went looking -- looking for Brian. I found him in a corner, his face to the wall. He was wearing a tux & a long white scarf. The scarf... it was covered with blood. And so was Brian. His clothes. His hands. His face. And... his lips." Ted paused again. "He'd been kissing you & the blood smeared all over his face. It was obvious. His eyes were red from crying, but he didn't make a sound. He just stared at the wall. I know for a fact that he sat there for days without moving. It was only when they said you would live that he finally got up and walked out the door. Michael ran after him, calling to him. But he never looked back."
"Shit," was all I could say.
Ted leaned towards me. "Did you know that?"
"Yes, but no one told it to me quite that way. You know that he was there when I was in the rehab unit?"
"No, I didn't know," said Ted.
"Every night. Watching over me. My mother & the nurse were the only ones who knew."
Ted nodded. "I'm not surprised. That's the Kinney Way. Doing things, both for Good & Evil, in the dark of the night when no one will see him."
"Like Rage," I said.
"I don't know much about comic books or superheroes," Ted admitted. "But I know he loves you. I only wish someone loved me like that. Or would -- one day."
"I don't want him to die," I whispered. "I'm scared. Really scared. And now everyone knows about the cancer. Everyone will think it's... bad. That makes it so much worse."
"He won't die," said Ted. "He's Brian Kinney. That's a hard thing to kill."
"I know," I replied. "But that doesn't make it any easier. The thing he fears the most is pity."
"Then you have to be strong and not pitiful -- both of you."
"I know."
And so we floated until it got dark & the beautiful stars came out.
Then I drove the boat back to the dock & while Brian & Ted slept, I watched & waited for the dawn. And what would happen next.
***
"You are beautiful no matter what they say,
Words can't bring you down.
'Cause you are beautiful in every single way,
Yes, words can't bring you down,
So don't you bring me down today.
No matter what we do,
No matter what we say,
We're the song inside the tune, full of beautiful mistakes.
And everywhere we go, the sun will always shine,
And tomorrow we might awake on the other side.
'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say,
Yes, words won't bring us down, no,
We are beautiful in every single way,
Yes, words can't bring us down.
So don't you bring me down today."
(Linda Perry)