"Queer Identities" -- Chapter 102 "Interrupted"
From Justin's Journal --
Oscar Night.
This is Chapter 102 in the "Queer Identities" series.
The narrator is Justin Taylor, and features Brian Kinney, Jennifer Taylor, Jimmy Hardy, Diane Rhys, Carmel, Molly Taylor, Others.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: More of Justin's Journal. Los Angeles, February/March 2004.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. This is for fun, not profit. Enjoy.
Earlier "QI" chapters online and on the LJ are here:
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaelmcgear/Gaedhalficpage.html
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaedhal/
Most recent "QI" chapters on the LJ are here:
Ch. 99 "I Will Survive"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/441469.html
Ch. 100 "Impotent"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/442509.html
Ch. 101 "If I Should Fall Behind"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/443380.html
By Gaedhal
Friday, February 27, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon.
My journal is becoming the place where I have to vent. That was never what I meant for it to be.
But I have to vent! So this is the best place. At least until fucking Daphne picks up her fucking cell! If you ever read this, Daph -- pick up once in while, okay?
Back to where I was before I interrupted myself. Yes, venting. First -- my mom. What is going on with her? Seriously! When she told me that she was going to the Oscars with Jimmy Hardy I was all What the fuck? But then I thought, it's one time. She's going back to Pittsburgh soon. Jimmy is crazy. Yada yada yada!
Then I found out that she's going with Jimmy to some big party on Saturday night & she's buying dresses & borrowing jewelry & she and Diane are like a couple of fucking sorority girls, giggling on the phone & talking about how they're going to do their hair & crap! This is making me mental!
Then Brian interrupted my rant.
He said I should calm the fuck down. It's Jimmy & we know he does shit for weird reasons. He could he trying to one-up Brian. Or he could be trying to go all in-your-face to Tess because of the divorce. Or -- & this is the worst possibility of all -- he might actually like my mother & want to nail her.
I'm making myself sick.
"Quit moaning," Brian said. "It's bad enough that I'm a pathetic & putrid pile of pestilence, we don't need you to head down that same primrose path."
"But this is my mother, Brian! And Jimmy is... Jimmy."
"Let's be philosophical about it," he said. "Maybe he's decided he's sick of dick and wants to go back to pussy. That's a good thing because it means he won't be bugging me anymore."
"I don't care if Jimmy Hardy wants pussy or dick or a fucking flock of sheep -- I just don't want my mom in the equation!"
"We all want a lot of things," Brian said. "But we don't always get them."
I hate it when Brian gets all philosophical & starts making cool & logical sense. I prefer it when he's a selfish prick who gives off the wall opinions that you can safely disregard.
"Relax, blond boy. I have better things to do with my mouth than talk."
Yeah, that's when we were interrupted by Avi, knock knock knocking on the door.
"Justin! Your mother wants me to take her & your sister to the store."
Again! That's all she does is shop!
"I'll handle this," Brian said. He got up & opened the door. Avi has seen Brian naked before, but he always stares anyway. I admit there's a lot to stare at. "Take them to the store. Then take them to dinner. Don't come back here before 8:00. Then take tomorrow off. Capisce?"
Avi grinned. "Aye aye, Captain!"
Brian came back to bed. "Now -- where were we?"
***
Saturday, February 28, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon.
This afternoon Brian went over to the Kodak Theater to rehearse for the telecast tomorrow.
"Do you know who you're presenting with?"
"Nah. I don't know shit. But I'll give you the lowdown when I get back."
After he left -- picked up in a car sent by the studio -- I watched my mother get dressed for her 'date.' It's so fucking surreal! Yes, the dress was nice & she was excited & Molly was bouncing around like a jumping bean, but it still felt wrong. Carmel helped Mom get dressed & she kept saying, "Mrs. Taylor, you look so beautiful!"
Mom ate it up with a spoon. Gag! "Do you really think so?"
Damn! She ought to look good. She only spent four hours at the hairdresser this morning. And then all the make-up she layered on. What is it with females anyway?
At 7:00 sharp a white limo pulled up & Jimmy got out with a huge bouquet of roses & a shit-eating grin on his face. He went to the front door. No one ever comes to the front door!
"Hello, young man. Is the lovely Mrs. Taylor at home?"
"Screw you, Jimmy!" I snapped.
Jimmy smirked at me & peered into the house, since I wasn't exactly welcoming him inside. "Where's Bri? Don't tell me he actually went to rehearsal?"
"Yes. Because he's presenting tomorrow."
Jimmy shrugged. "So am I, but I wing it. I've done a million of these awards shows. I don't need to rehearse. Are you guys going to any of the parties tonight?"
"No. Brian is saving his strength for tomorrow. If he feels okay after the show, then we'll go to one of the after-parties."
"Go to the Vanity Fair bash," Jimmy advised. "Or Elton's party. Those two are the most fun. Take it from me, the Governor's Ball is a snooze. All the winners will be there putting on airs."
Jimmy can say that because he's not up for any awards this year. They don't give out Oscars for drek like 'Crash Course.' Unless it's for best performance by a two-time Oscar-winner being made a fool of by Chuckie Ranger.
"Thanks. We'll take that under consideration."
"So," said Jimmy. "Is the captivating Jennifer ready to rumble? I have reservations for dinner at Dan Tana's. They're saving my favorite table."
That name means nothing to me, but then I'm not up on all the ultra-trendy spots for movie stars & their beards who also happen to be my mother. "She's ready." I played it cool. There's no way Jimmy Hardy was going to get my fucking goat!
"Then announce my arrival, Baby Blue. Chop chop!"
"Mom," I yelled over my shoulder. "Some guy's here to see you."
"Brilliant," Jimmy breathed. "Brat."
"Dick," I snarked back.
"Brian is going to have his hands full with you," Jimmy remarked.
"He always has," I replied calmly. But inside I was ready to explode.
Memo to Justin -- don't explode. Remember what Brian always says -- get your revenge in other ways. By being smarter. Richer. Sexier. Well, maybe I'll never be richer than Jimmy Hardy, but I know I'm sexier. I'm pretty sure I'm smarter. And I'll always be younger. A LOT younger.
And I have something that Jimmy wants and will never, ever have -- Brian.
My mother & Jimmy left for their 'date' -- double gag! -- in a whirl of giggles & phony affection. Disgusting, really. I sat and watched TV with Molly for a while & then Carmel put her to bed. Not long after that Brian straggled in. He looked exhausted.
"Where have you been? Did the rehearsal take that long?"
"It took long enough. You stand there while they point fucking lights at you & you try to read supposedly funny lines off the teleprompter. Man, whoever is writing that dialogue needs to get a fucking clue."
"What award are you presenting?"
"Best Visual Effects. Listen to this introduction -- 'And now two actors who are their own best visual effects: the lovely Scarlett Johansson and even lovelier Brian Kinney.'"
Shit! "They aren't going to say that, are they? Really?"
Brian made a face. "That's what they're saying."
"And you're presenting with Scarlett Johansson? Cool! Is she as pretty as in the pictures?"
"Jesus, don't ask me," said Brian, yawning. "She's got gigantic lips. All those starlets have gigantic lips, like sucker fish. But when they said that I was 'even lovelier' that didn't exactly get a big smile out of Miss Lips."
"So why were you late? Did she have her evil way with you?"
Brian grimaced. "Hardly. Eastwood was there with some of his posse from 'Mystic River.' They're up for a shitload of awards tomorrow night. They asked me to come out with them for something to eat & I couldn't really say no. No fucking way I want some guy in his 70's to show up Brian Kinney! So I did the Hollywood thing with them for a couple of hours. Then I begged off. They all were making jokes about the newlywed running home to the little wife."
That raised my eyebrows. "I thought I wasn't anybody's fucking wife."
"I told them that." Brian stripped off his clothes & flopped on the bed. "They just laughed."
"Brian, you look beat."
"I know. How about one of those famous massages?"
"It would be my pleasure."
It's so weird. Brian & I in bed & not fucking. My mom out on a date with Jimmy. Watching TV with my little sister in the Hollywood Hills. Going to the Academy Awards. Sometimes I can't even process all the stuff I've been through in the past four years. It seems unreal. It IS unreal! I've been through so many highs & lows -- and I mean really high highs & really low lows.
I touched my head. Felt through my hair where it covered my scar. Bashed & almost dead. But I'm not dead. I'm alive & in love & married! What could be more intense than that? But I'm happy. This is what I wanted -- Brian. To be with Brian. To love Brian & have him love me. And I have my art, too. In the fall I'll start at CalArts & I'll finish my degree. Brian's right when he says that my education is one thing no one can ever take away from you. He's right about a lot of things.
I gently rolled him over. Asleep. That wheeze. He's got to get that deviated septum fixed.
He had those loose boxers on. He's been wearing those lately because they don't rub against his incision as badly as his briefs. Brian has his scars, too. But most of his are on the inside. Losing a ball is bad, but it's not the worst thing that can happen. He's alive. We're both alive. They can take everything else away from us, but if we're alive, that's all we need.
It's all we're ever needed.
***
Sunday, February 29, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon -- very late (actually Monday, March 1 by now). I think it's also Leap Day.
Academy Awards --
Funny how I write that so casually -- Academy Awards. But this is the second one I've been to. And the Red Carpet, too. I feel like I've walked down a bunch of them. Not that I'm complaining. It doesn't really get old. But it no longer seems -- how do I say it? Insane? Impossible? Bizarre? Surreal? It's just a fact.
This one was the smoothest yet. Well, compared to Outfest last year in that I didn't get arrested!
Jimmy picked up Mom in the white limo at 3:30. The show begins taping at 5:30 & you have to be in your seats by then after waiting in the line of cars & walking the Red Carpet & all the other stuff, so you have to be there early. I have to admit that my mother looked beautiful -- the dress & the hair & the borrowed jewels made her look as good as any of the movie stars I've seen up close. Jimmy obviously thought so too because he kept staring at her & he hardly even spoke to Brian. I think Brian was a little annoyed by that. As much as Brian says he doesn't want Jimmy's attention, his ego is definitely irked when he doesn't get it!
Carmel got out her camera & was taking pictures of everyone all dressed up.
"Just like Prom Night," Brian drawled. Then he stopped & looked at me. "I mean... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."
"It's okay," I said. "It doesn't bother me. Ancient history."
Brian swallowed. "Good. And you look good, too."
"Thanks."
Our limo -- black & not as showy as Jimmy's model, but a lot classier -- arrived just as Mom & Jimmy were leaving. Carmel & Molly waved us goodbye. Carmel is babysitting & taping the ceremony so we can watch it later.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked Brian as we drove to the Kodak Theater.
"Only another week & two days left of the deadly rays," he said.
"And after that..."
"Back to normal -- I hope."
I took his hand. "It'll be fine. We'll go on vacation. You'll have a chance to rest & heal. Jamaica sun & sand & nothing to do but eat & sleep."
"Hopefully more than that."
"Definitely more than that."
My mom & Jimmy were already on the Red Carpet when we pulled up. 'Entertainment Tonight' had their cameras pointed at them & Mom was sparkling under all those lights. When we got out I heard a lot of cheering. I'm always afraid someone is going to boo or something when they see two guys holding hands, but it was all positive. Bill Brenner, the gay reporter from 'Access Hollywood' motioned us over & Brian gave him a short interview. He even asked me how I was enjoying the evening & I said it was great.
Then off camera he leaned over & asked, "Brian, are you all right? I've been hearing some rumors about your health."
"Don't I look all right?" Brian countered.
"Of course," said Brenner. "But you know how strange stories make the rounds."
"Yes, I know," Brian replied. "Very strange stories."
"Listen," said Brenner, who's always been on Brian's side whenever there was a negative story out there -- like when Ron died & when we got photographed on the boat. "If you ever want to talk, you know you have a sympathetic ear right here. However you want the story to go, that's the way it'll go. You've always been good to me & you know I'll always be good to you."
Brian nodded. "I know, Bill. I appreciate it."
Then we had to move on & get in our seats. The special effects & technical awards are always early in the show, so Brian needed to be ready. They seated us right behind Jimmy & my mom, while Diane & Dorian, who we didn't see come in, were next to them. Eastwood & his wife were in front of Jimmy. He was up for Best Director & his picture 'Mystic River' was up for a bunch of awards, just like at the Golden Globes. And like the Golden Globes he didn't get it & his picture lost to 'The Return of the King' again, but Sean Penn won Best Actor, so Clint seemed pretty happy.
Brian was escorted backstage right after the broadcast started & some guy I didn't know -- a seat-warmer or whatever they call it -- sat down next to me. He was an older man, obviously gay, in a very traditional tux. During one of the commercial breaks he told me that he'd been doing this for twenty years & he was a wardrobe coordinator on a couple of TV series. He was pretty interesting. He was also flirting with me big time. But that's okay. When you're young & blond & hot you tend to attract the older guys -- as I'm always reminding Brian! LOL!
They did use that lame line about Brian & Scarlett Johannson being their own best visual effects, which actually got a laugh. She looked beautiful, I admit, but not as beautiful as Brian. 'The Return of the King' got the win -- along with almost every other award -- and they were off. Brian was back in his seat during the next break.
"Jesus, it's a mad house backstage," he said. "My fucking head is spinning."
"How do you feel?"
"I'm visualizing not throwing up," he said. And he didn't.
After the Oscars everyone is supposed to go to the Governor's Ball -- like Jimmy said that's where the winners go with their awards. It's the official Oscar Party. But then most people leave & go to one of the more fun parties. Or they party hop. We followed Jimmy -- & my mom! -- as they made the rounds. Even though Jimmy said he didn't want to go to the Governor's Ball, that was the first place we headed. It was way crowded & there were a lot of reporters doing interviews & taking pictures of the winners. So we left & went to the Vanity Fair party at Morton's. There weren't as many reporters there, but there were lots of stars & everyone was drinking up a storm. Jimmy & my mom were downing glasses of champagne like there was no tomorrow.
"I'll keep an eye on them, cutie," Diane promised. But she was drinking tons of champagne, too. "Your mother is a lot of fun!"
"Please don't tell her that," I begged Diane. "She'll want to move out to Hollywood & become a professional party girl."
"And what's wrong with that?" Diane demanded. I keep forgetting that Diane was a 'professional' party girl back in the day. "Jimmy doesn't seem to mind."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
After a while I could tell Brian was getting antsy. "Let's get the fuck out of here."
"You want to go home?"
"The night is still young." I thought he was going to suggest we go to one of clubs in West Hollywood, but instead he said, "Let's hit the Elton John party."
"But what about my mom?"
"She's a big girl. She can find her own way home."
Yeah, she's a big girl. That's what I'm afraid of!
The Elton party was younger & hipper. No reporters. A lot of people who hadn't been to the Oscars but had watched from the party -- they had huge TV screens set up for the broadcast. There was music playing from a rock band & people actually seemed to be having a good time, rather than just being there for a photo opportunity.
And there was Elton John right in front of us. He was much shorter & older in person. His partner, David, was there, too. You'd expect the boyfriend of a huge music star to be ultra hot, but David was just a normal-looking guy. But he was really nice.
"Brian Kinney," said Elton, leering. "At last we meet. I've heard so much about you."
"I can imagine what," Brian replied. Then he introduced me. "This is Justin Taylor." Brian paused. "My new husband."
Elton grinned. "Oh, yes. I saw it on the news. Congratulations!" He looked me up & down, as if assessing the goods. "Good God, you're young! You make me feel about a hundred & five!"
"He's actually much older than I am," said Brian. "Which is what keeps me on an even keel -- sort of."
Elton laughed. "That's what David does for me. He's my bullshit detector, especially when it's bullshit coming from my own mouth. Well, boys, enjoy the party."
We mingled. It was like a Who's Who of Queer Hollywood -- tons of out actors & musicians & writers & producers, but also a lot who aren't officially out. I saw Peter Bridges there with his boyfriend & also Connor James & some hot hunk he'd brought with him. I even saw some of the actors from 'Gay As Blazes' there, including two who are in what Brian calls the Glass Closet. It's so weird to be on such a gay show & still not be out. But 'GAB' was getting kind of preachy & melodramatic, so it's no wonder they canceled it.
"Jesus," said Brian. "There's Howie Sheldon. And he's got that little bitch Vaughn Powell with him. I wonder if he's really dumped poor, long-suffering William for that minor league hustler?"
I immediately bristled. "They better not come over here after what Sheldon did to you!"
"Cool your jets, blond boy," said Brian. "No fisticuffs tonight. That's all we need to cap off the evening is for you & Howie to get into a wrestling match."
"It's Powell I want to take down," I insisted. "I've already defeated Howie Sheldon."
"Okay, Masked Marvel. Let's avoid both of them."
But we didn't need to because it was pretty obvious that they were avoiding us. I guess everyone in Hollywood had heard about what happened between Howie Sheldon & Brian -- & also what I did about it, because they were all watching to see what would happen. But nothing did. Sheldon grabbed his sleazy boytoy & left the party. We were victorious without a single shot fired! Yeah!
"I'll be right back," said Brian. "I need to go to the can."
"Are you okay?"
Brian rolled his eyes. "I'm fine. But I do need to take a piss now & then."
While he was gone I struck up a conversation with a couple of guys who are production assistants at Terra Nova. They wanted to know if I really knocked out Howie Sheldon in his own office because he'd made a pass at Brian. I told them it was a lot more complicated than that, but I couldn't go into detail. They gave me the impression that Howie isn't exactly the most beloved guy at the studio -- far from it!
"Hey," said Brian, pulling me away from my two new pals. "I need you."
"What's up?"
"Nothing." Brian smiled that quirky little smile. "This."
He pulled me out towards the small dance floor as I heard the rock band start playing a familiar song.
I stopped dead in my tracks. "What are you doing?"
"Recreating my misspent youth," he said.
A chill went through me. "Brian -- I don't think this is a good idea."
"Yes it is. I made a slight request of the band. You aren't going to run out on me, are you?" He squeezed my hand. "Let's lay a few ghosts to rest -- for both of us."
I never thought I'd be able to hear 'Save the Last Dance for Me' without shuddering, but I stepped onto the floor with Brian while the rest of the dancers cleared off & everyone in the place turned to watch. And I wasn't afraid. Not afraid at all.
It's funny how you suddenly remember something so clearly, especially when for such a long time you couldn't remember it at all. But it's like my body knew exactly what to do. All the moves we did then just came so naturally. As Brian twirled me around I saw Elton & his partner clapping madly. And I saw my mother & Jimmy -- I don't know when they arrived at the party but there they were -- standing next to Diane & Dorian. Jimmy was whistling & my mom was crying.
Brian bent me backwards & then pulled me up into a kiss. The entire place exploded in cheers.
"This isn't the last dance, Sunshine," Brian whispered. "It's only the first. The first of a thousand more. And nothing is going to interrupt us ever again. If only you believe it."
"I believe it, Brian," I told him.
And I do. I really & truly believe.
We'll never be interrupted again.
Oscar Night.
This is Chapter 102 in the "Queer Identities" series.
The narrator is Justin Taylor, and features Brian Kinney, Jennifer Taylor, Jimmy Hardy, Diane Rhys, Carmel, Molly Taylor, Others.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: More of Justin's Journal. Los Angeles, February/March 2004.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. This is for fun, not profit. Enjoy.
Earlier "QI" chapters online and on the LJ are here:
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaelmcgear/Gaedhalficpage.html
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaedhal/
Most recent "QI" chapters on the LJ are here:
Ch. 99 "I Will Survive"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/441469.html
Ch. 100 "Impotent"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/442509.html
Ch. 101 "If I Should Fall Behind"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/443380.html
By Gaedhal
Friday, February 27, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon.
My journal is becoming the place where I have to vent. That was never what I meant for it to be.
But I have to vent! So this is the best place. At least until fucking Daphne picks up her fucking cell! If you ever read this, Daph -- pick up once in while, okay?
Back to where I was before I interrupted myself. Yes, venting. First -- my mom. What is going on with her? Seriously! When she told me that she was going to the Oscars with Jimmy Hardy I was all What the fuck? But then I thought, it's one time. She's going back to Pittsburgh soon. Jimmy is crazy. Yada yada yada!
Then I found out that she's going with Jimmy to some big party on Saturday night & she's buying dresses & borrowing jewelry & she and Diane are like a couple of fucking sorority girls, giggling on the phone & talking about how they're going to do their hair & crap! This is making me mental!
Then Brian interrupted my rant.
He said I should calm the fuck down. It's Jimmy & we know he does shit for weird reasons. He could he trying to one-up Brian. Or he could be trying to go all in-your-face to Tess because of the divorce. Or -- & this is the worst possibility of all -- he might actually like my mother & want to nail her.
I'm making myself sick.
"Quit moaning," Brian said. "It's bad enough that I'm a pathetic & putrid pile of pestilence, we don't need you to head down that same primrose path."
"But this is my mother, Brian! And Jimmy is... Jimmy."
"Let's be philosophical about it," he said. "Maybe he's decided he's sick of dick and wants to go back to pussy. That's a good thing because it means he won't be bugging me anymore."
"I don't care if Jimmy Hardy wants pussy or dick or a fucking flock of sheep -- I just don't want my mom in the equation!"
"We all want a lot of things," Brian said. "But we don't always get them."
I hate it when Brian gets all philosophical & starts making cool & logical sense. I prefer it when he's a selfish prick who gives off the wall opinions that you can safely disregard.
"Relax, blond boy. I have better things to do with my mouth than talk."
Yeah, that's when we were interrupted by Avi, knock knock knocking on the door.
"Justin! Your mother wants me to take her & your sister to the store."
Again! That's all she does is shop!
"I'll handle this," Brian said. He got up & opened the door. Avi has seen Brian naked before, but he always stares anyway. I admit there's a lot to stare at. "Take them to the store. Then take them to dinner. Don't come back here before 8:00. Then take tomorrow off. Capisce?"
Avi grinned. "Aye aye, Captain!"
Brian came back to bed. "Now -- where were we?"
***
Saturday, February 28, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon.
This afternoon Brian went over to the Kodak Theater to rehearse for the telecast tomorrow.
"Do you know who you're presenting with?"
"Nah. I don't know shit. But I'll give you the lowdown when I get back."
After he left -- picked up in a car sent by the studio -- I watched my mother get dressed for her 'date.' It's so fucking surreal! Yes, the dress was nice & she was excited & Molly was bouncing around like a jumping bean, but it still felt wrong. Carmel helped Mom get dressed & she kept saying, "Mrs. Taylor, you look so beautiful!"
Mom ate it up with a spoon. Gag! "Do you really think so?"
Damn! She ought to look good. She only spent four hours at the hairdresser this morning. And then all the make-up she layered on. What is it with females anyway?
At 7:00 sharp a white limo pulled up & Jimmy got out with a huge bouquet of roses & a shit-eating grin on his face. He went to the front door. No one ever comes to the front door!
"Hello, young man. Is the lovely Mrs. Taylor at home?"
"Screw you, Jimmy!" I snapped.
Jimmy smirked at me & peered into the house, since I wasn't exactly welcoming him inside. "Where's Bri? Don't tell me he actually went to rehearsal?"
"Yes. Because he's presenting tomorrow."
Jimmy shrugged. "So am I, but I wing it. I've done a million of these awards shows. I don't need to rehearse. Are you guys going to any of the parties tonight?"
"No. Brian is saving his strength for tomorrow. If he feels okay after the show, then we'll go to one of the after-parties."
"Go to the Vanity Fair bash," Jimmy advised. "Or Elton's party. Those two are the most fun. Take it from me, the Governor's Ball is a snooze. All the winners will be there putting on airs."
Jimmy can say that because he's not up for any awards this year. They don't give out Oscars for drek like 'Crash Course.' Unless it's for best performance by a two-time Oscar-winner being made a fool of by Chuckie Ranger.
"Thanks. We'll take that under consideration."
"So," said Jimmy. "Is the captivating Jennifer ready to rumble? I have reservations for dinner at Dan Tana's. They're saving my favorite table."
That name means nothing to me, but then I'm not up on all the ultra-trendy spots for movie stars & their beards who also happen to be my mother. "She's ready." I played it cool. There's no way Jimmy Hardy was going to get my fucking goat!
"Then announce my arrival, Baby Blue. Chop chop!"
"Mom," I yelled over my shoulder. "Some guy's here to see you."
"Brilliant," Jimmy breathed. "Brat."
"Dick," I snarked back.
"Brian is going to have his hands full with you," Jimmy remarked.
"He always has," I replied calmly. But inside I was ready to explode.
Memo to Justin -- don't explode. Remember what Brian always says -- get your revenge in other ways. By being smarter. Richer. Sexier. Well, maybe I'll never be richer than Jimmy Hardy, but I know I'm sexier. I'm pretty sure I'm smarter. And I'll always be younger. A LOT younger.
And I have something that Jimmy wants and will never, ever have -- Brian.
My mother & Jimmy left for their 'date' -- double gag! -- in a whirl of giggles & phony affection. Disgusting, really. I sat and watched TV with Molly for a while & then Carmel put her to bed. Not long after that Brian straggled in. He looked exhausted.
"Where have you been? Did the rehearsal take that long?"
"It took long enough. You stand there while they point fucking lights at you & you try to read supposedly funny lines off the teleprompter. Man, whoever is writing that dialogue needs to get a fucking clue."
"What award are you presenting?"
"Best Visual Effects. Listen to this introduction -- 'And now two actors who are their own best visual effects: the lovely Scarlett Johansson and even lovelier Brian Kinney.'"
Shit! "They aren't going to say that, are they? Really?"
Brian made a face. "That's what they're saying."
"And you're presenting with Scarlett Johansson? Cool! Is she as pretty as in the pictures?"
"Jesus, don't ask me," said Brian, yawning. "She's got gigantic lips. All those starlets have gigantic lips, like sucker fish. But when they said that I was 'even lovelier' that didn't exactly get a big smile out of Miss Lips."
"So why were you late? Did she have her evil way with you?"
Brian grimaced. "Hardly. Eastwood was there with some of his posse from 'Mystic River.' They're up for a shitload of awards tomorrow night. They asked me to come out with them for something to eat & I couldn't really say no. No fucking way I want some guy in his 70's to show up Brian Kinney! So I did the Hollywood thing with them for a couple of hours. Then I begged off. They all were making jokes about the newlywed running home to the little wife."
That raised my eyebrows. "I thought I wasn't anybody's fucking wife."
"I told them that." Brian stripped off his clothes & flopped on the bed. "They just laughed."
"Brian, you look beat."
"I know. How about one of those famous massages?"
"It would be my pleasure."
It's so weird. Brian & I in bed & not fucking. My mom out on a date with Jimmy. Watching TV with my little sister in the Hollywood Hills. Going to the Academy Awards. Sometimes I can't even process all the stuff I've been through in the past four years. It seems unreal. It IS unreal! I've been through so many highs & lows -- and I mean really high highs & really low lows.
I touched my head. Felt through my hair where it covered my scar. Bashed & almost dead. But I'm not dead. I'm alive & in love & married! What could be more intense than that? But I'm happy. This is what I wanted -- Brian. To be with Brian. To love Brian & have him love me. And I have my art, too. In the fall I'll start at CalArts & I'll finish my degree. Brian's right when he says that my education is one thing no one can ever take away from you. He's right about a lot of things.
I gently rolled him over. Asleep. That wheeze. He's got to get that deviated septum fixed.
He had those loose boxers on. He's been wearing those lately because they don't rub against his incision as badly as his briefs. Brian has his scars, too. But most of his are on the inside. Losing a ball is bad, but it's not the worst thing that can happen. He's alive. We're both alive. They can take everything else away from us, but if we're alive, that's all we need.
It's all we're ever needed.
***
Sunday, February 29, 2004. The House on Creekside Canyon -- very late (actually Monday, March 1 by now). I think it's also Leap Day.
Academy Awards --
Funny how I write that so casually -- Academy Awards. But this is the second one I've been to. And the Red Carpet, too. I feel like I've walked down a bunch of them. Not that I'm complaining. It doesn't really get old. But it no longer seems -- how do I say it? Insane? Impossible? Bizarre? Surreal? It's just a fact.
This one was the smoothest yet. Well, compared to Outfest last year in that I didn't get arrested!
Jimmy picked up Mom in the white limo at 3:30. The show begins taping at 5:30 & you have to be in your seats by then after waiting in the line of cars & walking the Red Carpet & all the other stuff, so you have to be there early. I have to admit that my mother looked beautiful -- the dress & the hair & the borrowed jewels made her look as good as any of the movie stars I've seen up close. Jimmy obviously thought so too because he kept staring at her & he hardly even spoke to Brian. I think Brian was a little annoyed by that. As much as Brian says he doesn't want Jimmy's attention, his ego is definitely irked when he doesn't get it!
Carmel got out her camera & was taking pictures of everyone all dressed up.
"Just like Prom Night," Brian drawled. Then he stopped & looked at me. "I mean... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."
"It's okay," I said. "It doesn't bother me. Ancient history."
Brian swallowed. "Good. And you look good, too."
"Thanks."
Our limo -- black & not as showy as Jimmy's model, but a lot classier -- arrived just as Mom & Jimmy were leaving. Carmel & Molly waved us goodbye. Carmel is babysitting & taping the ceremony so we can watch it later.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked Brian as we drove to the Kodak Theater.
"Only another week & two days left of the deadly rays," he said.
"And after that..."
"Back to normal -- I hope."
I took his hand. "It'll be fine. We'll go on vacation. You'll have a chance to rest & heal. Jamaica sun & sand & nothing to do but eat & sleep."
"Hopefully more than that."
"Definitely more than that."
My mom & Jimmy were already on the Red Carpet when we pulled up. 'Entertainment Tonight' had their cameras pointed at them & Mom was sparkling under all those lights. When we got out I heard a lot of cheering. I'm always afraid someone is going to boo or something when they see two guys holding hands, but it was all positive. Bill Brenner, the gay reporter from 'Access Hollywood' motioned us over & Brian gave him a short interview. He even asked me how I was enjoying the evening & I said it was great.
Then off camera he leaned over & asked, "Brian, are you all right? I've been hearing some rumors about your health."
"Don't I look all right?" Brian countered.
"Of course," said Brenner. "But you know how strange stories make the rounds."
"Yes, I know," Brian replied. "Very strange stories."
"Listen," said Brenner, who's always been on Brian's side whenever there was a negative story out there -- like when Ron died & when we got photographed on the boat. "If you ever want to talk, you know you have a sympathetic ear right here. However you want the story to go, that's the way it'll go. You've always been good to me & you know I'll always be good to you."
Brian nodded. "I know, Bill. I appreciate it."
Then we had to move on & get in our seats. The special effects & technical awards are always early in the show, so Brian needed to be ready. They seated us right behind Jimmy & my mom, while Diane & Dorian, who we didn't see come in, were next to them. Eastwood & his wife were in front of Jimmy. He was up for Best Director & his picture 'Mystic River' was up for a bunch of awards, just like at the Golden Globes. And like the Golden Globes he didn't get it & his picture lost to 'The Return of the King' again, but Sean Penn won Best Actor, so Clint seemed pretty happy.
Brian was escorted backstage right after the broadcast started & some guy I didn't know -- a seat-warmer or whatever they call it -- sat down next to me. He was an older man, obviously gay, in a very traditional tux. During one of the commercial breaks he told me that he'd been doing this for twenty years & he was a wardrobe coordinator on a couple of TV series. He was pretty interesting. He was also flirting with me big time. But that's okay. When you're young & blond & hot you tend to attract the older guys -- as I'm always reminding Brian! LOL!
They did use that lame line about Brian & Scarlett Johannson being their own best visual effects, which actually got a laugh. She looked beautiful, I admit, but not as beautiful as Brian. 'The Return of the King' got the win -- along with almost every other award -- and they were off. Brian was back in his seat during the next break.
"Jesus, it's a mad house backstage," he said. "My fucking head is spinning."
"How do you feel?"
"I'm visualizing not throwing up," he said. And he didn't.
After the Oscars everyone is supposed to go to the Governor's Ball -- like Jimmy said that's where the winners go with their awards. It's the official Oscar Party. But then most people leave & go to one of the more fun parties. Or they party hop. We followed Jimmy -- & my mom! -- as they made the rounds. Even though Jimmy said he didn't want to go to the Governor's Ball, that was the first place we headed. It was way crowded & there were a lot of reporters doing interviews & taking pictures of the winners. So we left & went to the Vanity Fair party at Morton's. There weren't as many reporters there, but there were lots of stars & everyone was drinking up a storm. Jimmy & my mom were downing glasses of champagne like there was no tomorrow.
"I'll keep an eye on them, cutie," Diane promised. But she was drinking tons of champagne, too. "Your mother is a lot of fun!"
"Please don't tell her that," I begged Diane. "She'll want to move out to Hollywood & become a professional party girl."
"And what's wrong with that?" Diane demanded. I keep forgetting that Diane was a 'professional' party girl back in the day. "Jimmy doesn't seem to mind."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
After a while I could tell Brian was getting antsy. "Let's get the fuck out of here."
"You want to go home?"
"The night is still young." I thought he was going to suggest we go to one of clubs in West Hollywood, but instead he said, "Let's hit the Elton John party."
"But what about my mom?"
"She's a big girl. She can find her own way home."
Yeah, she's a big girl. That's what I'm afraid of!
The Elton party was younger & hipper. No reporters. A lot of people who hadn't been to the Oscars but had watched from the party -- they had huge TV screens set up for the broadcast. There was music playing from a rock band & people actually seemed to be having a good time, rather than just being there for a photo opportunity.
And there was Elton John right in front of us. He was much shorter & older in person. His partner, David, was there, too. You'd expect the boyfriend of a huge music star to be ultra hot, but David was just a normal-looking guy. But he was really nice.
"Brian Kinney," said Elton, leering. "At last we meet. I've heard so much about you."
"I can imagine what," Brian replied. Then he introduced me. "This is Justin Taylor." Brian paused. "My new husband."
Elton grinned. "Oh, yes. I saw it on the news. Congratulations!" He looked me up & down, as if assessing the goods. "Good God, you're young! You make me feel about a hundred & five!"
"He's actually much older than I am," said Brian. "Which is what keeps me on an even keel -- sort of."
Elton laughed. "That's what David does for me. He's my bullshit detector, especially when it's bullshit coming from my own mouth. Well, boys, enjoy the party."
We mingled. It was like a Who's Who of Queer Hollywood -- tons of out actors & musicians & writers & producers, but also a lot who aren't officially out. I saw Peter Bridges there with his boyfriend & also Connor James & some hot hunk he'd brought with him. I even saw some of the actors from 'Gay As Blazes' there, including two who are in what Brian calls the Glass Closet. It's so weird to be on such a gay show & still not be out. But 'GAB' was getting kind of preachy & melodramatic, so it's no wonder they canceled it.
"Jesus," said Brian. "There's Howie Sheldon. And he's got that little bitch Vaughn Powell with him. I wonder if he's really dumped poor, long-suffering William for that minor league hustler?"
I immediately bristled. "They better not come over here after what Sheldon did to you!"
"Cool your jets, blond boy," said Brian. "No fisticuffs tonight. That's all we need to cap off the evening is for you & Howie to get into a wrestling match."
"It's Powell I want to take down," I insisted. "I've already defeated Howie Sheldon."
"Okay, Masked Marvel. Let's avoid both of them."
But we didn't need to because it was pretty obvious that they were avoiding us. I guess everyone in Hollywood had heard about what happened between Howie Sheldon & Brian -- & also what I did about it, because they were all watching to see what would happen. But nothing did. Sheldon grabbed his sleazy boytoy & left the party. We were victorious without a single shot fired! Yeah!
"I'll be right back," said Brian. "I need to go to the can."
"Are you okay?"
Brian rolled his eyes. "I'm fine. But I do need to take a piss now & then."
While he was gone I struck up a conversation with a couple of guys who are production assistants at Terra Nova. They wanted to know if I really knocked out Howie Sheldon in his own office because he'd made a pass at Brian. I told them it was a lot more complicated than that, but I couldn't go into detail. They gave me the impression that Howie isn't exactly the most beloved guy at the studio -- far from it!
"Hey," said Brian, pulling me away from my two new pals. "I need you."
"What's up?"
"Nothing." Brian smiled that quirky little smile. "This."
He pulled me out towards the small dance floor as I heard the rock band start playing a familiar song.
I stopped dead in my tracks. "What are you doing?"
"Recreating my misspent youth," he said.
A chill went through me. "Brian -- I don't think this is a good idea."
"Yes it is. I made a slight request of the band. You aren't going to run out on me, are you?" He squeezed my hand. "Let's lay a few ghosts to rest -- for both of us."
I never thought I'd be able to hear 'Save the Last Dance for Me' without shuddering, but I stepped onto the floor with Brian while the rest of the dancers cleared off & everyone in the place turned to watch. And I wasn't afraid. Not afraid at all.
It's funny how you suddenly remember something so clearly, especially when for such a long time you couldn't remember it at all. But it's like my body knew exactly what to do. All the moves we did then just came so naturally. As Brian twirled me around I saw Elton & his partner clapping madly. And I saw my mother & Jimmy -- I don't know when they arrived at the party but there they were -- standing next to Diane & Dorian. Jimmy was whistling & my mom was crying.
Brian bent me backwards & then pulled me up into a kiss. The entire place exploded in cheers.
"This isn't the last dance, Sunshine," Brian whispered. "It's only the first. The first of a thousand more. And nothing is going to interrupt us ever again. If only you believe it."
"I believe it, Brian," I told him.
And I do. I really & truly believe.
We'll never be interrupted again.