A pretty good day
To whomever;
I saw Ryan today. I missed him, I guess. He keeps hinting a desire to further our relationship, to formalize it a bit more. What he wants I cannot give him. I know I am not ready for an invovled relationship. I am still upset about Jami, and still bitter and in love with Tim. Even if I was seeing someone else it would still be the same. My thoughts would lurk elsewhere. For me, this works. I know Ryan wants something stable, serious, and reliable but he will not find that with me. At least he realizes that he has to let me go when I go off to college. He is a great guy and I am lucky it is he I am with. Guys my age would not understand, they would not be able to cope with this. But this relationship is perfect for me. No committment, no complications other than our age difference and his absolute desire for me.
I need to see Christine. I need her right now. I'm not saying that any of my other friends are not good enough because they are and I am blessed to have them in my life, but christine is me. Sort of like that book by the Bronte sister, Wuthering Heights. Catherine claimed that she didn't just love Heathcliff but that she was Heathcliff. Of course I do not feel romantically for Chrissy but I understand the notion.
Chrissy is me and I am her. She and I are forever linked in some inexplicable way. She gets me and I get her. We do not have to speak, interact, or touch, presence is enough. I feel like I'm slowly suffocating, running out of air, dying. My heart is cramping up. Christine is my oxygen, something that helps me to look at the good and bad parts of the world without cringing away. I cannot expect anyone else to understand but I love her with all myheart. She is my other half, my soul mate, my twin, my best friend, and my sister. One more week and I'll get to see her again. I need her. Fuck. I have so much to tell her and want to hear about her college life. I'm going to have a mini girls night with Patti and Christine. We'll drink a bit, talk, laugh, eat junk food, and enjoy ourselves.
I was just thinking about how opposite but alike Chrissy and I are. She would never let anyone mark her, never let someone put a hickey on her breast. And I will have to wear high cut shirts for a week. I would never drink and smoke with someone or at a party with people I do not know. She doesn't seem to mind too much as long as there is at least one person there that she knows. She is the thinker and I am impulsive. She never would have begun a damaging relationship with her best male friend. And I have ruined things between Tim and me. We're so different and yet we are on the same frequency. We speak the same language and understand each other in a way that nobody else can. We both have wonderful friends that help us through but we are each other's platform. Interesting. Time to sleep. I want to go home. Silly me. I am home, on my bed writing this in a notebook. I'm home and yet I feel as far away from home as I did in California.
I saw Ryan today. I missed him, I guess. He keeps hinting a desire to further our relationship, to formalize it a bit more. What he wants I cannot give him. I know I am not ready for an invovled relationship. I am still upset about Jami, and still bitter and in love with Tim. Even if I was seeing someone else it would still be the same. My thoughts would lurk elsewhere. For me, this works. I know Ryan wants something stable, serious, and reliable but he will not find that with me. At least he realizes that he has to let me go when I go off to college. He is a great guy and I am lucky it is he I am with. Guys my age would not understand, they would not be able to cope with this. But this relationship is perfect for me. No committment, no complications other than our age difference and his absolute desire for me.
I need to see Christine. I need her right now. I'm not saying that any of my other friends are not good enough because they are and I am blessed to have them in my life, but christine is me. Sort of like that book by the Bronte sister, Wuthering Heights. Catherine claimed that she didn't just love Heathcliff but that she was Heathcliff. Of course I do not feel romantically for Chrissy but I understand the notion.
Chrissy is me and I am her. She and I are forever linked in some inexplicable way. She gets me and I get her. We do not have to speak, interact, or touch, presence is enough. I feel like I'm slowly suffocating, running out of air, dying. My heart is cramping up. Christine is my oxygen, something that helps me to look at the good and bad parts of the world without cringing away. I cannot expect anyone else to understand but I love her with all myheart. She is my other half, my soul mate, my twin, my best friend, and my sister. One more week and I'll get to see her again. I need her. Fuck. I have so much to tell her and want to hear about her college life. I'm going to have a mini girls night with Patti and Christine. We'll drink a bit, talk, laugh, eat junk food, and enjoy ourselves.
I was just thinking about how opposite but alike Chrissy and I are. She would never let anyone mark her, never let someone put a hickey on her breast. And I will have to wear high cut shirts for a week. I would never drink and smoke with someone or at a party with people I do not know. She doesn't seem to mind too much as long as there is at least one person there that she knows. She is the thinker and I am impulsive. She never would have begun a damaging relationship with her best male friend. And I have ruined things between Tim and me. We're so different and yet we are on the same frequency. We speak the same language and understand each other in a way that nobody else can. We both have wonderful friends that help us through but we are each other's platform. Interesting. Time to sleep. I want to go home. Silly me. I am home, on my bed writing this in a notebook. I'm home and yet I feel as far away from home as I did in California.