Two Year Anniversary
To whomever;
So today is my two year anniversary for not cutting, not popping pills, and not being suicidal. It's a celebration of being alive and for accepting life for what it is. We were talking about the meaning of life in my English class. It was an interesting conversation, actually. Charlie, a really nice guy said that he believed we were to spread scripture and to try to convert others into Christians. Another girl, can't recall who, said that we are alive to learn. I said that I think we are alive to experience life and to be tested.
To be tested. I guess that's been on my mind a lot, lately. I have a friend who doesn't do so well in society. Every day is a struggle for her, it's a battle to get by, to live and breathe. She has frequent panic attacks and doesn't cope very well under pressure. She is tested everyday by her psychological limitations. Brittany asked the outcome of these tests that we face. I don't really know. What happens after we learn everything, after we are tested and then die? I don't know whether or not I believe in hell or reincarnation. I learn more towards reincarnation, though. Maybe after we learn everything and are tested we are reincarnated to learn more.
Or maybe everyone is so self-absorbed that they think that life revolves around them and the lessons and mistakes they comprehend. We could be the lesser beings on this planet and just think that are Gods are the real gods and our religions are the truth. We could have it all wrong and we wouldn't even know. Most people wouldn't even want to know if they had it all wrong.
Okay, I have a piss poor example. My three cats don't act like pets. They sure the hell don't believe they are pets or are below us. They think they own us, that they are the masters and just because we are stronger than them and bigger doesn't make us any smarter or better. If you have cats or dogs you know what I mean. Or maybe you don't have a fucking clue what I'm saying.
Maybe I am shallow and care a bit too much about what other people think of me. But right now it's all bullshit to me. The friends of mine that are true would never belittle me or put me down, they would never purposely make me feel like shit, or talk about me behind my back. I have a whole lot of real friends and so I really don't know why I even started a myspace. What am I trying to prove? Meeting new people doesn't make everything better, it can't make up for any of my weaknesses. I'm still the same person I was before I started this. I haven't learned anything new about any of the people I've met on this site. It's ridiculous. I have no intention of dating anyone from myspace because that would be...well, weird. So what the fuck?
My bio is wrong, I'm seventeen, I guess that's quite obvious but that's not my point. I'm not sure what my point is except that there are so many different points of view, so many different beliefs and ways to live life, so many different things that work for others but might not work for me. Life is like that. It is a large, strange, wonderful existence in which we live. It is also ultimate and terrifying when we find ourselves embraced in the unknown. It is hard to understand others because we are not mind readers and will never be mind readers. Life can be so good to us and yet it can also be so damaging. The things that we will face and surpass are so amazing that sometime I don't think we give each other enough credit.
yeah, now that I've put my own foot in my mouth numerous times I think I'll get the hell out of here and resume my normal, everday life. Today is just another day in a long string of days that I will live. It is no different except for the fact that two years ago I reached my ultimate low and decided to change things, decided to help myself and become someone better than I was. The old Gabrielle died and then I began to grow into someone else. I'm still growing and will always be in the growth process. The marks our souls leave on other souls are forever afterall.
So today is my two year anniversary for not cutting, not popping pills, and not being suicidal. It's a celebration of being alive and for accepting life for what it is. We were talking about the meaning of life in my English class. It was an interesting conversation, actually. Charlie, a really nice guy said that he believed we were to spread scripture and to try to convert others into Christians. Another girl, can't recall who, said that we are alive to learn. I said that I think we are alive to experience life and to be tested.
To be tested. I guess that's been on my mind a lot, lately. I have a friend who doesn't do so well in society. Every day is a struggle for her, it's a battle to get by, to live and breathe. She has frequent panic attacks and doesn't cope very well under pressure. She is tested everyday by her psychological limitations. Brittany asked the outcome of these tests that we face. I don't really know. What happens after we learn everything, after we are tested and then die? I don't know whether or not I believe in hell or reincarnation. I learn more towards reincarnation, though. Maybe after we learn everything and are tested we are reincarnated to learn more.
Or maybe everyone is so self-absorbed that they think that life revolves around them and the lessons and mistakes they comprehend. We could be the lesser beings on this planet and just think that are Gods are the real gods and our religions are the truth. We could have it all wrong and we wouldn't even know. Most people wouldn't even want to know if they had it all wrong.
Okay, I have a piss poor example. My three cats don't act like pets. They sure the hell don't believe they are pets or are below us. They think they own us, that they are the masters and just because we are stronger than them and bigger doesn't make us any smarter or better. If you have cats or dogs you know what I mean. Or maybe you don't have a fucking clue what I'm saying.
Maybe I am shallow and care a bit too much about what other people think of me. But right now it's all bullshit to me. The friends of mine that are true would never belittle me or put me down, they would never purposely make me feel like shit, or talk about me behind my back. I have a whole lot of real friends and so I really don't know why I even started a myspace. What am I trying to prove? Meeting new people doesn't make everything better, it can't make up for any of my weaknesses. I'm still the same person I was before I started this. I haven't learned anything new about any of the people I've met on this site. It's ridiculous. I have no intention of dating anyone from myspace because that would be...well, weird. So what the fuck?
My bio is wrong, I'm seventeen, I guess that's quite obvious but that's not my point. I'm not sure what my point is except that there are so many different points of view, so many different beliefs and ways to live life, so many different things that work for others but might not work for me. Life is like that. It is a large, strange, wonderful existence in which we live. It is also ultimate and terrifying when we find ourselves embraced in the unknown. It is hard to understand others because we are not mind readers and will never be mind readers. Life can be so good to us and yet it can also be so damaging. The things that we will face and surpass are so amazing that sometime I don't think we give each other enough credit.
yeah, now that I've put my own foot in my mouth numerous times I think I'll get the hell out of here and resume my normal, everday life. Today is just another day in a long string of days that I will live. It is no different except for the fact that two years ago I reached my ultimate low and decided to change things, decided to help myself and become someone better than I was. The old Gabrielle died and then I began to grow into someone else. I'm still growing and will always be in the growth process. The marks our souls leave on other souls are forever afterall.