Soup or Muffin: a theory.
We all have choices of how we respond to things- words, looks, actions, responses, situations, ect. I vaguely touched on my choices last entry- my choice of how to hate and oppose- a response to the hatred I had been doled out all my life: The summation of all the curses, spit, thrown drinks, lit cigarettes, even rocks that had pelted me over the course of my 30 years on this planet amoungst my fellow hairless psychotic simians. I tried to hide behind a polite masked face of ambiguity, while rage swelled up inside...
My family compounded the effect- adding insult to injury by further exacerbating the problem of my mental anguish- mother's unwillingness to stop and think, father's willingness to bully and cling to his emotions fiercely, grandfather's gradual exile from reality, grandmother's deeply delusional need to control others which sprang from childhood fears(and my feirce resistence to it all ever mounting), as well as stepfather's outbursts of violence- often resulting in property damage. This became a monument to my personal hell I endured... *eyes watering as I write this*
But, to merely blame others is something I've done- been there, done that. That's just avoiding my own personal responsibility. Like O.J., Bush and Vlad the Impaler, my 'enemies' shall go unpunished by others- merely victims of their own bad choices. Some, like my father- have suffered greatly from them; with others, the cost seems relatively minimal. But, they shall not go unpunished by me...
Sounded threatening, didn't it? I decided to let it lay there like that...like a figure dying in snow... I would correct it by adding, "they did not go unpunished by me in the past". Actually, I've no desire to meet or deal with any of them. Today, I'm indifferent. or rather, I was before I began writing about this...then those old thoughts of "my enemy" came back. For a moment, it appeared as if to reenslave me and repeat the past events again...
This time, I made a choice not to. This time, I'm letting it go, let it fall away slow...
I can remember standing over my last foe, their blood on the white wall in front of me and I recall my body shivering all over. It was not a pleasent feeling. It was as if a chord had been struck, and its vibration could be felt throughout my body... I merely needed to push a little more, and they would no longer live in this world... like slipping beneath dark waves, it seemed like such a small thing. All I was aware of was that shivering. It was less than two weeks before my last Birthday. I wasn't even 29 yet. Was I about to become what society would have turned me into? Was I to complete that shift? In a moment, I stood ready to do anything. For a moment, everything teetered on a fine line that could spill into either choice. Soup or Muffin. It made no difference at that moment.
All I could feel was that shivering. It was like my being wanted to throw me up. Be free of that hatefulness. If you love me, won't you let me go?
I know a man who lost his closest friend and love in this world- he chose to become very weak and live for a ghost- a memory of someone he think he knew and loved. Soup or muffin?
I know a woman who chose to give up her dreams to continuously sumbit to the will of others just so she could live easy, without having to fight. She later chose to become aggressive and violent anyway, despite claiming she wanted no such resistance. Soup or muffin?
I...
I was...
I was once a person with a lot of opportunities laid out before him. I could've had a career crafted for me. I could've gone to any college I wanted. I knew how to dance, fence, and was trained in both archery and martial arts. My father once worked for a major outfit and had I wanted to be his dog, I could have had a military career.
I don't want to be a soldier, that the captain of some sinking ship would stow far below
I threw it all away...
It's all gone now. It'll never come back, and I still don't want that anyway. I continuously made choices to live my life against the will of those trying to superimpose their will on me.
So... what do I want? Soup or muffin?
Click to viewMy family compounded the effect- adding insult to injury by further exacerbating the problem of my mental anguish- mother's unwillingness to stop and think, father's willingness to bully and cling to his emotions fiercely, grandfather's gradual exile from reality, grandmother's deeply delusional need to control others which sprang from childhood fears(and my feirce resistence to it all ever mounting), as well as stepfather's outbursts of violence- often resulting in property damage. This became a monument to my personal hell I endured... *eyes watering as I write this*
But, to merely blame others is something I've done- been there, done that. That's just avoiding my own personal responsibility. Like O.J., Bush and Vlad the Impaler, my 'enemies' shall go unpunished by others- merely victims of their own bad choices. Some, like my father- have suffered greatly from them; with others, the cost seems relatively minimal. But, they shall not go unpunished by me...
Sounded threatening, didn't it? I decided to let it lay there like that...like a figure dying in snow... I would correct it by adding, "they did not go unpunished by me in the past". Actually, I've no desire to meet or deal with any of them. Today, I'm indifferent. or rather, I was before I began writing about this...then those old thoughts of "my enemy" came back. For a moment, it appeared as if to reenslave me and repeat the past events again...
This time, I made a choice not to. This time, I'm letting it go, let it fall away slow...
I can remember standing over my last foe, their blood on the white wall in front of me and I recall my body shivering all over. It was not a pleasent feeling. It was as if a chord had been struck, and its vibration could be felt throughout my body... I merely needed to push a little more, and they would no longer live in this world... like slipping beneath dark waves, it seemed like such a small thing. All I was aware of was that shivering. It was less than two weeks before my last Birthday. I wasn't even 29 yet. Was I about to become what society would have turned me into? Was I to complete that shift? In a moment, I stood ready to do anything. For a moment, everything teetered on a fine line that could spill into either choice. Soup or Muffin. It made no difference at that moment.
All I could feel was that shivering. It was like my being wanted to throw me up. Be free of that hatefulness. If you love me, won't you let me go?
I know a man who lost his closest friend and love in this world- he chose to become very weak and live for a ghost- a memory of someone he think he knew and loved. Soup or muffin?
I know a woman who chose to give up her dreams to continuously sumbit to the will of others just so she could live easy, without having to fight. She later chose to become aggressive and violent anyway, despite claiming she wanted no such resistance. Soup or muffin?
I...
I was...
I was once a person with a lot of opportunities laid out before him. I could've had a career crafted for me. I could've gone to any college I wanted. I knew how to dance, fence, and was trained in both archery and martial arts. My father once worked for a major outfit and had I wanted to be his dog, I could have had a military career.
I don't want to be a soldier, that the captain of some sinking ship would stow far below
I threw it all away...
It's all gone now. It'll never come back, and I still don't want that anyway. I continuously made choices to live my life against the will of those trying to superimpose their will on me.
So... what do I want? Soup or muffin?