I got it.
Over the holidays I came to a startling epiphany: The thing I've been seeking... the thing I sought for several years, that led to my tragic downfall... well, I found it.
It sure took a long damn time; I even had forgotten that I'd set out on the journey to find it. I was a totally different person- IMO at least- than I am now. I was barely 20 at the time, still feeling fresh out of high school, had a steady, relatively good paying job & was in a relationship (with a girl no less!). I kept noticing something that bothered me- disturbed me, in fact.
What I noticed was a difference in what people were telling me & what was actually happening, in many different instances- a double standard. I couldn't let go of it, especially as I began to notice it changing things in my own life. It all began when three girls I worked with- and dated- accused me of sexual harassment. Behind closed doors, of course. When my boss brought me to his office & asked me about it & after I'd heard the facts in the instances they'd mentioned- twisted out of context, but essentially accurate- I couldn't deny them as true. The moment I left his office- though I was allowed to keep my job- my life changed completely. I was shocked, dismayed & horrified. These were people who'd told me they loved me, now they'd done this- and for what? FOR WHAT!?! What does it all mean?
I very quickly dropped all false pretenses. I quit within a month. When the girl I was seeing found out I quit, she broke up with me- over the phone & ON MY BIRTHDAY! I never spoke to anybody I worked with there ever again. I went into seclusion. A month passed very quickly. I got another similar job, but this only brought the problems back in stark relief. LIES! People told lies about so much, paid so little attention & were so thoughtless & careless! In less than a year, I quit again, realizing there was no point in pretending like other people were doing.
What does it all mean?
I then began a sabbatical that would last essentially up until this December. I gradually cut ties with everyone I knew in real life, made no serious attempt at finding work for three years, and when I did land a job, never stayed for more than six months. I moved, moved & moved again when family would no longer allow me to live off their "generosity" any longer. I essentially became my grandmother's servant, helping me to look after grandfather's property & the old man himself- who by now had developed Alzheimer's. She & I never got along, and oer the ears- as her demands became more incredulous & bizarre- I lost my cool, let her get to me. Finally, in February of 2007, she pushed a patient but angry man of almost 29 too far. She ordered me out of "her" house (it was actually grandfather's- not hers), and when I went to pack a few measily belongings, she called the cops. Enraged, I walked right up to her and hit her as hard as I possibly could. When the cops arrived, they had me on battery on persons over the age of 60. I went to jail.
I had plenty of time to think. Whilst there, my father- whom had abused me over the years- disowned me over the phone. Repeated requests for information where ignored & my file was "misplaced" (a convenient term I learned about some time later), and I sat in a cell for 33 days- I counted every one. You have a lot of time, believe me. I began to rethink people in general while in there. They aren't what they want to believe they are, they aren't getting better at anything using the conventional means society has appropriated for them... they are in fact, shriveling, rotting & dying a little every second- some of them, you can see it in their faces & features. For the record, I wasn't raped- nor did I see or hear about it happening- but some 16 year old in the next pod hung himself apparently.
Eventually, my mom got an attorney & money to bail me out. Plea bargin which led to my current 5 year probationary status. I was then kicked out of town and allowed to move to a living situation in Pensacola, which lasted a month. I was then homeless. I slept under a bridge, among bats & pigeons. Everything I brought with me gradually got stolen over the course of several months. I ate garbage. I walked all day 7 night to find places to sleep & eat. I worked labor hall as often as my body would hold up. I barely existed. I was this close to just dying. I woke up one morning at 4 in the morning to feel freezing temperatures cutting through my shorts & tshirt- all I still owned at the time. I got up early & started walking, whilst shivering...
Finally, appeals over the phone led to my mother sending me money for a bus ticket back to my hometown. Okays were easy, as my probation officer was getting concerned about my health & attire. She was the ONLY person in her office who seemed to care at all, I might add. I returned and did day labor for awhile, but all they offer is temporary and infrequent. My grandfather died. At the funeral- my last promise to my family was to attend it- people would ask me what I was doing & not talk to me through the remainder of the day. I have not talked to most of them since. Where were they during his ten years of gradual decline? I was there & saw every humiliating moment of it.
What does it all mean?
Recently, I came to a conclusion: It means what we want it to. People use things for whatever purpose floats their boat at the moment. Nothing works according to plan, nobody is safe & nothing is under control. Orderly lives are a sham. Lies make the world go round until it collapses, then people repeat themselves. In the end, there will only be me. People who are afraid of being alone pretend they can ever be anything else. You live alone & die alone. No one cares. Care itself isn't real- merely a contrivance for services to be paid in monetary value. Sex is just a mechanical act people try to use to symbolize the abstract thing we call "love". God is love & neither exist. It's funny, but if not for the epiphany I've had, I'd still be weighed down by the thought "My life- my existence- as been absolutely meaningless". Now, it's gone. I'm on the rebound. This year I passed the midway point of my probation. I'm on foodstamps, saving money & living how I want to. I got it- I told you, I got it.
It sure took a long damn time; I even had forgotten that I'd set out on the journey to find it. I was a totally different person- IMO at least- than I am now. I was barely 20 at the time, still feeling fresh out of high school, had a steady, relatively good paying job & was in a relationship (with a girl no less!). I kept noticing something that bothered me- disturbed me, in fact.
What I noticed was a difference in what people were telling me & what was actually happening, in many different instances- a double standard. I couldn't let go of it, especially as I began to notice it changing things in my own life. It all began when three girls I worked with- and dated- accused me of sexual harassment. Behind closed doors, of course. When my boss brought me to his office & asked me about it & after I'd heard the facts in the instances they'd mentioned- twisted out of context, but essentially accurate- I couldn't deny them as true. The moment I left his office- though I was allowed to keep my job- my life changed completely. I was shocked, dismayed & horrified. These were people who'd told me they loved me, now they'd done this- and for what? FOR WHAT!?! What does it all mean?
I very quickly dropped all false pretenses. I quit within a month. When the girl I was seeing found out I quit, she broke up with me- over the phone & ON MY BIRTHDAY! I never spoke to anybody I worked with there ever again. I went into seclusion. A month passed very quickly. I got another similar job, but this only brought the problems back in stark relief. LIES! People told lies about so much, paid so little attention & were so thoughtless & careless! In less than a year, I quit again, realizing there was no point in pretending like other people were doing.
What does it all mean?
I then began a sabbatical that would last essentially up until this December. I gradually cut ties with everyone I knew in real life, made no serious attempt at finding work for three years, and when I did land a job, never stayed for more than six months. I moved, moved & moved again when family would no longer allow me to live off their "generosity" any longer. I essentially became my grandmother's servant, helping me to look after grandfather's property & the old man himself- who by now had developed Alzheimer's. She & I never got along, and oer the ears- as her demands became more incredulous & bizarre- I lost my cool, let her get to me. Finally, in February of 2007, she pushed a patient but angry man of almost 29 too far. She ordered me out of "her" house (it was actually grandfather's- not hers), and when I went to pack a few measily belongings, she called the cops. Enraged, I walked right up to her and hit her as hard as I possibly could. When the cops arrived, they had me on battery on persons over the age of 60. I went to jail.
I had plenty of time to think. Whilst there, my father- whom had abused me over the years- disowned me over the phone. Repeated requests for information where ignored & my file was "misplaced" (a convenient term I learned about some time later), and I sat in a cell for 33 days- I counted every one. You have a lot of time, believe me. I began to rethink people in general while in there. They aren't what they want to believe they are, they aren't getting better at anything using the conventional means society has appropriated for them... they are in fact, shriveling, rotting & dying a little every second- some of them, you can see it in their faces & features. For the record, I wasn't raped- nor did I see or hear about it happening- but some 16 year old in the next pod hung himself apparently.
Eventually, my mom got an attorney & money to bail me out. Plea bargin which led to my current 5 year probationary status. I was then kicked out of town and allowed to move to a living situation in Pensacola, which lasted a month. I was then homeless. I slept under a bridge, among bats & pigeons. Everything I brought with me gradually got stolen over the course of several months. I ate garbage. I walked all day 7 night to find places to sleep & eat. I worked labor hall as often as my body would hold up. I barely existed. I was this close to just dying. I woke up one morning at 4 in the morning to feel freezing temperatures cutting through my shorts & tshirt- all I still owned at the time. I got up early & started walking, whilst shivering...
Finally, appeals over the phone led to my mother sending me money for a bus ticket back to my hometown. Okays were easy, as my probation officer was getting concerned about my health & attire. She was the ONLY person in her office who seemed to care at all, I might add. I returned and did day labor for awhile, but all they offer is temporary and infrequent. My grandfather died. At the funeral- my last promise to my family was to attend it- people would ask me what I was doing & not talk to me through the remainder of the day. I have not talked to most of them since. Where were they during his ten years of gradual decline? I was there & saw every humiliating moment of it.
What does it all mean?
Recently, I came to a conclusion: It means what we want it to. People use things for whatever purpose floats their boat at the moment. Nothing works according to plan, nobody is safe & nothing is under control. Orderly lives are a sham. Lies make the world go round until it collapses, then people repeat themselves. In the end, there will only be me. People who are afraid of being alone pretend they can ever be anything else. You live alone & die alone. No one cares. Care itself isn't real- merely a contrivance for services to be paid in monetary value. Sex is just a mechanical act people try to use to symbolize the abstract thing we call "love". God is love & neither exist. It's funny, but if not for the epiphany I've had, I'd still be weighed down by the thought "My life- my existence- as been absolutely meaningless". Now, it's gone. I'm on the rebound. This year I passed the midway point of my probation. I'm on foodstamps, saving money & living how I want to. I got it- I told you, I got it.
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