And, about 20 years later...
I have 13 journals right now, and I guess this makes a 14th. I've been told that's an ADHD thing, since we tend to compartmentalize in order to organize the racing thoughts.
My diagnoses have changed since my last entry. (Which might've been 18 years or so ago... damn)
I'm dealing (rather well, mind you) with my Bipolar 1 Mania, ADHD and Anxiety.
Nasty beasts, all of them. I was diagnosed with anxiety most recently when I went to the hospital because... (and this might be gross) my anus was bleeding. They didn't want to do anything about that except drug me for anxiety. I WAS BLEEDING IN THE TOILET. OF COURSE I WAS ANXIOUS. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG. They refused to look at the problem and only saw my heightened state of agitation.
Anyway, the diagnosis is on point, regardless of the... not sure if it was idiocy or laziness... at the hospital (I'm fine, it's just hemorrhoids.. but I didn't know!)
OK NO MORE BUTT STUFF I PROMISE
My anxiety worsened during the wedding planning. (Yay I'm married!) I didn't know how to be me but still give all my guests what I thought they wanted. (Oh, people pleasing)
I ended up going to a cardiologist and we did a study for like, 40 days, and it came back with "interesting results." Like, my pulse shoots up to 160 when I tell a story - not really normal (or healthy). I........haven't been back after he told my PCP I might have POTS. It's good to have answers, and to be in contact with those who can help.. I KNOW.. but I'm still really scared and apparently avoiding it is the easiest way to "deal with it." (I'm not dealing with it, I know this)
But.. my anxiety is bad and it makes my chest hurt and my pulse race... which makes me need to go to the doctor... which raises my anxiety. I hate this cycle.
The ADHD diagnosis happened when I was institutionalized in 2015. I'm so glad I have it. I'm actually glad I almost killed myself. I know that sounds terrible, but I sought help, ended up in a psych ward, and got the help I needed. I'm on that meds today still - they know what they're doing.
I'm on so many meds though. It's disheartening. I take pills four times a day (ok twice is just vitamins) just to maintain SOME semblance of normality. Therapy is still weekly 'cause I have so much shit I wanna do, and dammit I need my hand to be held.
I think I'm ok. I've been outta work a lot of the year (since Feb) but my business is going pretty well. I decided in 2017 to start reading Tarot professionally, and I've been a reader at a festival (I'm going back). Lowe Mill lets you set up booths, so I think I'll take advantage of that on Saturdays. I miss the steady income, but I don't miss food service (even though I might have an interview at a food truck.. I just can't get out lol). Things are going well. We have a great home in the suburbs, three cats and three dogs, a ton of hobbies, and I'm able to see my friends whenever I want. I'm just also an emotional spaz who invents problems when she gets bored.
Ah, life.