interesting night
so tonight at around 9:30, i couldnt take it anymore. i realized i was hungry so i grabbed the harry potter book, got in my car, with no particular destination in mind.
I went to lanesplitters and read and ate vegan pizza and drank a beer. At around 10:30 i was done there and went down the street for a beer at acme, more because i wanted to read somewhere outside my house than for want of a beer.
SO i sat there reading, it was pretty dead, maye four little groups of people, but the owner was working there and she knows me through keri and is always friendly. After a bit these three people come in, two guys and a girl. I recognise the girl and one of the guys but i couldnt place them.
Then the short guy does a double take and says he remembers me from the baseball game. It clicked, these were the people that elm works with that i met at the game. not sure if i met the tall guy there, but he obviously works there too.
So we said hello and all that and i went back to reading. In the periphery i hear them talking about work. I hear something like "yeah she's gay too" so my ears perk up and it dawns me that theyre talking about elm. They knew that i went to the game with elm so that was just said as a matter of fact statement about her, since i was obviously in earshot and was somehow connected.
then the tall guy starts going off about "that other lesbian in the kitchen, that bitch, -the si's real name-" I am still staring off into my book trying very hard to look like i am still reading. It was mentioned at the game that the si and i were friends, and i got the feeling from the embarrassment on the girls face that she might have known that too.
but tall dude, obviously didnt know that i was connected at all, or maybe just thought i couldnt hear them, and proceded to go off about what a bitch the si is and how shes so unfriendly and mean. There are several parts of me that are conflicted about all this.
on one hand, i am glad i am not alone in seeing her capacity for bitchiness. and i'm angry at her for creating drama with us where i dont think their needs to be. so part of me enjoys this outpouring of venom towards her. however misdirected it may be.
on the other hand... she is my friend and i think she will continue to be my friend in some capacity for quite some time. I respect and love her in some capacity, even if that capacity is in flux at the moment.
in another part of me i think the whole situation is so bizarrely coincidental that it is funny. and this guy, as much as he is being an asshole, is also funny in a way, because he doesnt realize that hes being an asshole at all.
i am still pretending to read.
he goes on... the short guy interjects, says, naw, you just have to be chill with her, she lightens up. the girl, who caught my eye earlier in the conversation when i unconsciously looked over at the word 'gay' - she says quietly that the si just seems sort of sad or depressed or something most of the time.
but the tall guy blathers on, dismisses them, says no, shes just a bitch, but now he moves on to the the gay part, how the si's girl came in once - the ex daddy as i know her. How it was obvious who the "man" was in that relationship, how she (daddy) was such a big dyke and so manly that she probably shaved and ordered a steak and blah blah blah - insert impersonation of very deep voiced woman ordering a big meaty steak - and how the si was obviously playing the girly girl. Really homophobic bullshit.
so now i am angry, but still so torn. I know that it is just as likely that that was me he could have been talking about. That i could have been "the man" in that relationship and garnering so much of his homophobic bullshit for just being myself. I know he wasnt talking about me since i've only been there once with her and another person... but still this was not targeted homophobia, this was basic run o the mill asshole masculinity threatened straight dude.
between the short guy and the girl, they ended the conversation - because they knew he was being homophobic within earshot of a queer person or because they thought he was being an asshole just because he was, i'm not sure - but the ended it with a statement about how everybody's a different person when theyre at work and you really cant tell who people are outside of work.
this chilled him out a bit and the conversation moved on. i pretended to read, and eventually read for real and finished my book just after the bar closed - she let me stay while she was cleaning up, just because she wanted to know i finished, which i thought was cute.
anyway, eventually the trio left, but not after the tall guy embarrassed himself a few more times, one of which was by telling the female owner of local a tattoo shop that 'he knows the guy that owns that place' - this smart and foxy woman played him out too, and so much smoother than i ever could. - 'oh really? thats great! i think i met him once too! whats his name?' He fumbled for a minute, grabbed a name out of thin air, 'sean, his names sean right?' eventually after stringing him along for a few minutes she responded with 'actually I'm the owner, and my names __ and i've never met you before, now get out of my face' it was beautiful. her silvery blue 1950's cadillac convertable parked outside was beautiful too. that woman had style.
pretty girls besides the point, after listening to the homophobic rant about one of my friends i am left with that sickening feeling that i got after dflys assault - all of those thoughts about what i could have done to the perpetrator, what my anger would be capable of, how somehow i would probably get hurt, or worse, the person i was trying to protect would get hurt.
i could have slashed his tires without him even knowing who did it or why, could have thrown his drink in his face and confronted him about what a fucking asshole he was, could have met him outside with the knife that i carry ever since that happened to dfly. if i were a better person i might have even tried to have a conversation with him about why his statements were offensive to me and how he could better understand queer people.
but i couldnt do any of those things and that might be the worst part. the guru would call it impotence, which is a word that makes me uncomfortable, simply because it is tied to sex and old men and lately especially i'd like to not think of those things and me intertwined.
I went to lanesplitters and read and ate vegan pizza and drank a beer. At around 10:30 i was done there and went down the street for a beer at acme, more because i wanted to read somewhere outside my house than for want of a beer.
SO i sat there reading, it was pretty dead, maye four little groups of people, but the owner was working there and she knows me through keri and is always friendly. After a bit these three people come in, two guys and a girl. I recognise the girl and one of the guys but i couldnt place them.
Then the short guy does a double take and says he remembers me from the baseball game. It clicked, these were the people that elm works with that i met at the game. not sure if i met the tall guy there, but he obviously works there too.
So we said hello and all that and i went back to reading. In the periphery i hear them talking about work. I hear something like "yeah she's gay too" so my ears perk up and it dawns me that theyre talking about elm. They knew that i went to the game with elm so that was just said as a matter of fact statement about her, since i was obviously in earshot and was somehow connected.
then the tall guy starts going off about "that other lesbian in the kitchen, that bitch, -the si's real name-" I am still staring off into my book trying very hard to look like i am still reading. It was mentioned at the game that the si and i were friends, and i got the feeling from the embarrassment on the girls face that she might have known that too.
but tall dude, obviously didnt know that i was connected at all, or maybe just thought i couldnt hear them, and proceded to go off about what a bitch the si is and how shes so unfriendly and mean. There are several parts of me that are conflicted about all this.
on one hand, i am glad i am not alone in seeing her capacity for bitchiness. and i'm angry at her for creating drama with us where i dont think their needs to be. so part of me enjoys this outpouring of venom towards her. however misdirected it may be.
on the other hand... she is my friend and i think she will continue to be my friend in some capacity for quite some time. I respect and love her in some capacity, even if that capacity is in flux at the moment.
in another part of me i think the whole situation is so bizarrely coincidental that it is funny. and this guy, as much as he is being an asshole, is also funny in a way, because he doesnt realize that hes being an asshole at all.
i am still pretending to read.
he goes on... the short guy interjects, says, naw, you just have to be chill with her, she lightens up. the girl, who caught my eye earlier in the conversation when i unconsciously looked over at the word 'gay' - she says quietly that the si just seems sort of sad or depressed or something most of the time.
but the tall guy blathers on, dismisses them, says no, shes just a bitch, but now he moves on to the the gay part, how the si's girl came in once - the ex daddy as i know her. How it was obvious who the "man" was in that relationship, how she (daddy) was such a big dyke and so manly that she probably shaved and ordered a steak and blah blah blah - insert impersonation of very deep voiced woman ordering a big meaty steak - and how the si was obviously playing the girly girl. Really homophobic bullshit.
so now i am angry, but still so torn. I know that it is just as likely that that was me he could have been talking about. That i could have been "the man" in that relationship and garnering so much of his homophobic bullshit for just being myself. I know he wasnt talking about me since i've only been there once with her and another person... but still this was not targeted homophobia, this was basic run o the mill asshole masculinity threatened straight dude.
between the short guy and the girl, they ended the conversation - because they knew he was being homophobic within earshot of a queer person or because they thought he was being an asshole just because he was, i'm not sure - but the ended it with a statement about how everybody's a different person when theyre at work and you really cant tell who people are outside of work.
this chilled him out a bit and the conversation moved on. i pretended to read, and eventually read for real and finished my book just after the bar closed - she let me stay while she was cleaning up, just because she wanted to know i finished, which i thought was cute.
anyway, eventually the trio left, but not after the tall guy embarrassed himself a few more times, one of which was by telling the female owner of local a tattoo shop that 'he knows the guy that owns that place' - this smart and foxy woman played him out too, and so much smoother than i ever could. - 'oh really? thats great! i think i met him once too! whats his name?' He fumbled for a minute, grabbed a name out of thin air, 'sean, his names sean right?' eventually after stringing him along for a few minutes she responded with 'actually I'm the owner, and my names __ and i've never met you before, now get out of my face' it was beautiful. her silvery blue 1950's cadillac convertable parked outside was beautiful too. that woman had style.
pretty girls besides the point, after listening to the homophobic rant about one of my friends i am left with that sickening feeling that i got after dflys assault - all of those thoughts about what i could have done to the perpetrator, what my anger would be capable of, how somehow i would probably get hurt, or worse, the person i was trying to protect would get hurt.
i could have slashed his tires without him even knowing who did it or why, could have thrown his drink in his face and confronted him about what a fucking asshole he was, could have met him outside with the knife that i carry ever since that happened to dfly. if i were a better person i might have even tried to have a conversation with him about why his statements were offensive to me and how he could better understand queer people.
but i couldnt do any of those things and that might be the worst part. the guru would call it impotence, which is a word that makes me uncomfortable, simply because it is tied to sex and old men and lately especially i'd like to not think of those things and me intertwined.