Fic: All for the Sake of California
Previously on “Grey’s Anatomy”:
Addison: (to the Chief): “I need the job!”
Chief Webber: “Which is precisely why you can’t have it.”
Cristina: “I would kill to be Ellis Grey.”
Cristina: (to George) "Because you're George, and I'm Cristina."
Cristina: (in Meredith’s bathtub) “A fat, dumb, pregnant girl - who cares!” (slams sliding door shut)
“Mama”: (to Cristina) “You’re a Burke now.”
Nurse Liz: (to Cristina) “Some of the best ones, they distance themselves on purpose. Think the emotions cloud the medicine.”
Chief Webber: (to Cristina) “I will not be responsible for anything that makes you less human.”
Dr. Hahn: (to Cristina) “Cold is good.”
Ellis Grey: (to Cristina) “I didn’t fight hard enough.”
Izzie: (to Cristina; lying on the bathroom floor) “Tell me about Shiv’ah. How does it work?”
Meredith’s Voice-Over:
“My mother and I have very few things in common, but one thing is that carousels give us the creeps. I don’t like circles and things have a way of coming full circle. Circles are endless. Once you’re stuck inside a circle you can never get out.”
Scene 1: The Bathroom Floor Revisited
Cristina had never been one to keep a journal, she thought through her problems. Every now and then though, she needed someone to act as a sounding board. She had always been a Daddy’s Girl. That was why she still talked to him more than anyone else, and always in Korean. That way even if someone overheard her talking to her Dead Dad, chances were good that they wouldn’t know that was what she was doing.
“I don’t know what to do, Daddy.”
He waited silently, but sympathetically, for her to explain the situation to him.
“I mean, I’m lying here, on the floor of his bathroom in nothing but my slip and underwear, because he left me. It’s what Izzie did when Denny died.”
“Izzie?” she imagined her father asking.
“Izzie, the blond one. The model? I’ve told you about her before, remember? We sat Shiv’ah for her fiancée. She laid on the floor of Meredith’s bathroom for almost a full day and night before she was ready to get up and go on with life.”
“Don’t give me that look, Daddy,” she said looking away from the closed toilet she imagined her father was sitting on. “I know, I remember Meredith’s bathtub, and I remember getting all cold and clinical when he broke up with me the last time. That’s really the problem. I have to choose, choose between being the dumb girl who cares or the analytical, clinical Cristina that the Chief says is too cold, and inhuman.”
“You told the Chief you wanted your edge back.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“At the cost of Burke, at the price of becoming “inhuman” again? I don’t know.”
“You could just grieve, feel something.”
“I could, but that would make me Izzie, or Meredith.”
“Or George?”
“Or Bambi.”
“Talk to them. They want to help you. They want you to be you again, they love you, whoever you decide that is.”
“It kind of makes sense, right?” Alex questioned. The other interns turned wide-eyes on him. “What? Iz, isn’t this almost exactly what you did?”
“That’s why it’s weird,” Meredith hissed.
“Because it is what I did, but she’s Cristina!”
“And I’m George,” George mumbled. “Sorry,” he said glancing up. “Reflex. But when you think about it, she’s been here in a way before. The bathtub, remember? When she found out she was pregnant.”
“That’s true,” Izzie conceded.
“We can’t just stand here whispering,” Meredith snapped looking from the other interns to Burke’s bathroom door. “I’ve got to get the hospital, but I’ll be back as quickly as I can. You guys have the day off, right?” The other interns nodded. “Right, then, who wants to go first?”
Scene 2: Get a Dog!
“Addison!”
Addison turned around, and hefted her last box of office stuff a little higher in her arms as Meredith Grey skidded to a very George O’Malley like stop in front of her.
“Oh, uh, here!” Meredith was clearly flustered and for lack of something more eloquent to say or meaningful to do, she grabbed Addison’s keys and unlocked the car so she could set the box down on the back seat.
“Thanks, Grey.” Addison waited. Surely Grey had something to say to her. She had come running out of the hospital screaming her name, after all. Addison waited.
She looked at Grey and waited.
Grey shifted from foot to foot and tried, but failed, to make eye contact.
She arched an eyebrow and waited.
“Okaaay…well, thanks for the help, Grey, and - goodbye.” Addison turned to get in the car, and popped open the driver door.
“Get a dog,” Meredith blurted out suddenly.
“Excuse me?” Addison asked turning around.
“Look,” Meredith began, rambling now in classic Meredith-and/or-Thatcher-Grey style. “I know that part of this,” she waved her hands to indicate everything that had happened, “is my fault and that you’re within your rights to hate me, and Derek, and Mark, and all of us, but get a dog. When you get to L.A., get a dog.” She had Addison’s attention now.
“A dog?”
Meredith took a deep shaky breath, and plunged ahead, all caution to the wind now since there was nothing to be done about it.
“When you get to L.A. you’re going to have some friends, but they’re old friends, friends you have to rebuild relationships with. When Derek and I broke up, when you came out here, I had roommates, and Cristina, and work and I still needed a dog to feel like someone needed me and wanted me around.”
Addison’s jaw dropped a little, but there was no stopping Meredith now.
“You’ll have old med school friends, and patients but get a dog. I couldn’t keep Doc, but you’ll be able to keep one, and it’ll be better than becoming one of those people that always has the TV on just for the sake of noise.”
Meredith slowed.
“And, and I’m sorry for the part I played in all of this.”
Addison stared at Meredith for a moment somewhere between shocked indignation and flattered empathy. Meredith grew uncomfortable under the older woman’s gaze, and turned back toward the hospital.
“I told him not to hurt you, you know,” Addison’s voice caught up to her. Meredith turned around. “The day of your appendectomy, you were on morphine and we - we talked,” Addison said, tucking a strand of wind-swept hair behind her ear, and glancing down at the ground briefly. She scuffed the heel of her shoe along the ground, deliberating whether or not to continue with this story. “I was at the wedding, and I heard about you and Derek. You asked me that day how I knew that Derek was the one. I said he was the kind of man that would never hurt me. You told me that he hurt you-”
“When he picked you,” Meredith finished quietly.
“Yeah,” Addison sighed. “And then I told him, not to hurt you again.”
The women stared at each other in silence for a moment.
“I’m sorry about Doc.”
“I’m sorry about Derek.”
“Me too,” Addison said quietly, but sincerely, then, to diffuse the moment, she added wryly, “but don’t sleep with Mark to get over it.”
“Get a dog, Addison.”
Addison smiled.
Meredith smiled back.
“Goodbye, Meredith.”
“Goodbye, Addison.”
Scene 3: What Do You Say to the Woman With Ice Water in Her Veins?
“What do you say to the woman with ice water in her veins?” George whispered.
“She doesn’t have ice water in her veins, George.” Izzie said. “If she did she wouldn’t be in there on the ground crying.”
Alex was standing at the door, staring at it as though if he stood there long enough he’d be able to see through it, and then he would know what to do.
“Iz, you go first,” Alex ordered softly, turning around to face the other interns.
“What?”
“Iz,” he hesitated, and then grabbed her by the arm and dragged her away from George. “Look, Iz, I know you lost Denny. I carried you out of the man’s room. I know Mer’s normally the dark and twisty one, but she’s not here. And, you, well, you’re next in that line.”
“Okay. Okay,” Izzie conceded breathlessly, “You’re right,” she shrugged her acquiescence. “I know you’re right. I’ll just go in, and I’ll talk to her.” Izzie paused briefly before the door, took a deep breath and turned the knob.
“Cristina?” she whispered. “Cristina,” she murmured sitting down on the floor beside her. “Cristina, it isn’t Shiv’ah. It isn’t,” she insisted. “You aren’t dead.”
“Burke and me, Izzie. Burke’s gone,” Cristina said tonelessly.
“I know, Cristina, I know,” Izzie said through the tears welling up in her own eyes. “I know that he’s gone, and I’m not going to tell you you’re going to be better off without him. That would be, that would be insensitive, but I will tell you that you can go on now, even though he’s gone. You’re the strongest one of all of us, Cristina. You overcame it when I got Burke shot. You’re stronger than I am and I handled Denny’s death. This is not Shiv’ah, you can handle this, Cristina. If I can handle Denny, you can handle this. You’re stronger than I am.”
Izzie paused. Cristina hadn’t moved or said a word since she’d walked into the room. She didn’t have to Izzie decided. Meredith had asked who was going first. Izzie had gone first. Now, it was someone else’s turn. They all had to prove to Cristina that they were all in it together. That meant it was someone else’s turn.
“Soon, not now, but soon, you’ll be ready to get up, when you are, I’ll have muffins waiting. Not as many as last time, but enough to be considered comfort food.”
Izzie started for the door, but Cristina’s voice stopped her.
“I don’t know where the baking things are,” Cristina said sadly.
“It’s okay,” Izzie said smiling down at Cristina. “That’s okay. I can find them.”
Scene 4: The O.R. Board of Destiny
Derek stood looking at The Board.
“Dr. Shepherd.”
“Dr. Hahn,” Derek greeted her warmly but with a little confusion. “To what do we owe the pleasure, and does Dr. Burke know we have the pleasure yet?” Dr. Hahn gave him a perplexed but slightly cold look.
“I was under the impression that Dr. Burke was not coming in…again.”
“Excuse me?” Derek looked at in her shock.
“The Chief called me this morning and asked if I would like to take over as head of Cardio. I assumed that meant that Preston had moved on to another hospital.”
“I didn’t hear…I knew - the wedding and Cristina…” Derek began to ramble, and Dr. Hahn wondered, not for the first time what it was about the neurotic neurosurgeon that all the Seattle Grace women found so appealing. He was a spoiled, mumbling, bumbling savant as far as she was concerned. “But I never thought he’d leave…I, excuse me, Dr. Hahn,” Derek said distractedly, turning to the stairs before she could respond.
“Sure, Dr. Shepherd,” she muttered under her breath. “Sure.”
“Chief!" Derek burst out, bursting into the Chief's office. "Burke is gone?”
“Yes. He called me late last night and said that he quit,” the Chief answered without lifting his head from his hands.
“Quit? Not resigned?”
“Quit. Not resigned.” Now was seriously not the time for this. First, his wife had come back to him, in the midst of recovering from miscarriage, then his choice for chief handed the job back to him. So, he was back to square one, married to work and woman. Then, his chief of cardio had quit, and, of course, that came after he had all but told Addie to move to L.A. and now, to top it all off, Derek was going to do what Derek always does: throw a temper tantrum. That left him with Derek the Toddler and Mark the Man-Whore. Where was his sword? Clearly, it was time to fall on it. Seriously.
“You can’t let this happen!” Derek cried. “Dr. Hahn’s a fine doctor, but Burke - I, we need Burke around here!”
“He’s gone, Derek,” the Chief snapped. He was doing his best not to lose his temper or his patience, but Derek’s greatest flaw had always been the tendency toward temper tantrums. “Get to know Dr. Hahn. She’s the new Preston Burke.”
Derek stormed out of the office and returned to The Board.
Mark had watched the exchange between Derek and the Chief from the bridge thanks to the Chief’s panoramic windows. He experienced several conflicting emotions as he watched Derek, the man he had once considered his family, descend the stairs and return to The Board. He had watched Burke and Derek banter and talk at The Board a few times, always from the safety of the second story, where they couldn’t see him, or feel the twinge of jealousy he always felt as he watched Derek begin to replace him. Today though, Derek was alone. Burke, Mark had heard through the Seattle Grace rumour mill, had left. Not only Cristina, but Seattle. And Derek.
Mark was no stranger to loss. He’d lost Addison to Derek, and Derek through his and Addison’s idiocy, and then Addison again. He had left home for them, and they didn’t care. They had hurt him. He had a chance here, to let Derek feel alone; to let Derek come begging for something resembling friendship. Mark straightened and rushed down the stairs to The Board.
“Derek,” he said as he came to a halt beside the neurosurgeon. Derek didn’t respond. “Looks like the day’s going to drag by,” Mark commented. “Not a single interesting surgery.”
“What do you want, Mark?”
“I’m bored,” Mark said, hoping to keep Derek’s mind off his own woes. “What do you say we take the lovely Dr. Hahn out for lunch and get to know her? We’ll flirt with her, and she’ll call us children and then, we’ll eat good food and warn her against the evils of Seattle Grace interns - well, they’re residents now, but you know what I mean. C’mon, you can’t stand here and mope all day.”
“You’re telling me I can’t mope? You? The King of the ‘It’ll-Get-Me-Whatever-I-Want’ Pout are telling me that I can’t mope all day? My ex-wife has left for L.A. The love of my life dumped me in front of the entire hospital at Burke’s wedding. And now, Burke is gone. There’s no one left here.”
“All the more reason to come with me, and Dr. Hahn to lunch,” he paused, trying to read Derek. It was time for a rare moment of sincerity. “I’m here, Derek. We were friends once. Let’s be friends again.”
“Have you asked Dr. Hahn about these lunch plans?”
“No.”
“Well, then, let’s go find the lovely new head of Cardio, shall we?”
Scene 5: “I’m George, and You’re Cristina”
“You can handle this you know,” George said stiffly. He had no idea what to say to the woman he had always admired as the best of their year. She was the cream of the crop and she was crumbled on the ground. How was he supposed to comfort her? After all, he’s just George and she’s Cristina.
“Go away, Bambi.” The same anger that flared up when Ellis Grey had called him “Thatcher” and ordered him out of her room, and when his brothers called him “Georgie” flared up in him again now.
“My name isn’t ‘Bambi’, you know,” he said lying down on his back next Cristina. “I’m George, and you’re Cristina.”
She didn’t say anything.
“Yeah,” he continued, gaining a little steam. “I’m George and you’re Cristina - and you’re Cristina.” He stopped again. “Burke picked me instead of you that first day because I’m George, because I couldn’t do it. I became Burke’s guy because I barely got into the program. You literally became Burke’s right hand. Because I’m George and you’re Cristina.” He stopped again. He had barely gotten into the program, and now, he had flunked out of it. He turned his head to face Cristina and examined her profile before he sat up. He sat cross-legged and silently beside her for a moment.
“I failed you know.” Her head turned, and her eyes moved to his back. “The Interns’ Exam,” he explained without looking over his shoulder at her, but instead keeping his eyes fixed on the doorknob. “I failed it. I haven’t told anyone, but I failed it and I’m leaving Seattle Grace forever. I’m not going to repeat my intern’s year, and I’m not going to transfer to Mercy West, because I failed my Interns’ Exam. You had Callie’s cards, but I had Callie; and I still failed, and you still kicked ass, because I’m George and you’re Cristina.”
She blinked at him and sat up. She opened her mouth to say something.
“No, let me finish,” George said holding up a hand. “My marriage is in trouble, probably over. Yours is over because Burke realised that he didn’t want you, he wanted his vision of you and he realised that that isn’t fair to you, so he let you go. He let you be you. My marriage is over because I cheated. Everyone thinks Alex is the man-whore, but me… I’ve slept with Meredith, and Olivia, and Callie, and…and Izzie. I cheated on Callie with Izzie and it’s going to end my marriage. Mine is over because I’m an idiot, an insensitive, adulterous idiot who didn’t realise how much pain he was going to cause the only woman that saw him as anything more than ‘Bambi’. Yours is over because Burke realised at the last possible moment that he didn’t want to destroy you, to cause you that pain; that you’re worth saving. Cristina, our marriages are over because I’m George, and you’re Cristina.”
Cristina reached over and took George’s hand. George looked up at her in shock. Even when she had ‘welcomed’ him into the Dead-Dads Club she hadn’t touched him.
“I’m sorry, George.”
He gave her half a smile, mostly because he was determined not to cry until he had left the room. That bathroom had seen enough of his emotional mess. The haircut after the sex-with-Meredith fiasco was all the washroom wallowing he wanted to do.
He leaned against the door as he shut it behind him and took a moment to collect himself. A couple of deep breathes later he opened his eyes. Alex was leaning against the wall opposite him. He raised his eyebrows in question and George shook his head slightly in answer. No, no she wasn’t coming out yet.
“You’re up, Alex,” he sighed.
Scene 6: The Truth Shall Set You Free
George waited until Alex had braced himself and then gone in to talk to Cristina, then he headed to the kitchen. He was only a little surprised to find Callie there. She had come when Izzie was grieving, she had kept Meredith prom panties a secret; she had tried to become one of the family, just as George had told her she’d have to do. So, she was here, helping Izzie make an insane number of muffins. Of course, the tension between the two most important women in his life was nearly palpable.
“I have to talk to you guys,” George started.
“To both of us?” Izzie asked, the panic evident in her voice. “Together?”
“Seriously?” Callie shot at him. “Now?”
“To both of you. Together. Seriously. Now,” George answered with resignation. “Callie, I’m a terrible person.”
“George, don’t -” Both women started to stop him and stopped the instant they heard their voices speaking in unison. Callie shot a glare at Izzie. Izzie looked down and away from both George and Callie.
“Callie, I - You were right about everything. You always were. And, I - I cheated on you. I slept with her,” George said quietly. “I’m a terrible, horrible cruel person, and I’m not even going to ask your forgiveness. If you want a divorce, then I won’t fight you. I don’t deserve you.” It all came out in a rush, as if he was afraid she was going to begin throwing things at him before he got it all out.
Callie lifted her chin, refusing to let tears fall and looked from her husband to his mistress. There was no way she was going to cry in front of Stevens.
“Is it over?” she asked in a low, hollow tone.
“Yes,” George said. Callie’s narrowed eyes met his large, finally honest ones.
“Is it?” she asked again, this time turning to Izzie.
“Yes,” Izzie answered in a broken voice. “Yes, it’s over.”
Callie was suddenly furious. How dare the two of them look like she had just killed their cat! They had put her marriage in danger.
“And us?” Callie asked, shouting now. “Are we over?” she demanded, glaring at George. “Are you finished? Tell me! Tell me I didn’t marry a mini-Mark-style-man-whore! Huh? George?! Tell me!”
“Actually, there’s a little more,” George said almost inaudibly. “And when I tell you, you may not want me anymore, Callie.” He took a deep breath.
“I failed my Interns’ Exam. I’m unemployed. Callie, Iz, I failed the test. I’m not a doctor anymore.”
Scene 7: The Game
“Dude,” Alex chuckled. “Sounds like Mrs. O’Malley found out about Mistress O’Malley.” Cristina’s eyes moved from Alex to the door, through which Callie’s shouting was seeping into her little corner of the world.
“Okay,” Alex said running a hand over his short hair and sitting down beside Cristina, “Here’s the thing, Yang. All those people out there, they’ve forgotten. They’ve forgotten about the game. It’s like I’m the only player on the field anymore. No one cuts anyone else out of the good surgeries; no one is ruthless about getting the best assignments. Hell, we don’t even steal each other’s patients anymore!”
“I’ve always been in it to win, you know? Just like you. Iz is in it ‘cause she cares, and Grey and O’Malley still have crap to prove to their parents, but you and me, we’re in it to win. And Burke? You’re better off without Burke. He was an arrogant ass. He was an arrogant ass who held you back, and made you compromise yourself. You’re not a Burke. He always said that: “Dr. Burke”, like it meant so much to everyone who heard it, but you’re better as Cristina Yang. The Cristina Yang who bet me that I couldn’t deliver discharges faster than she could, the Cristina Yang who bets on Meredith’s love-life and George’s surgeries, who coins all the best “McDoctor” jokes, and beat me in a hot dog eating contest. And you weren’t her today, all dressed up and painted to look like Burke’s idea of the perfect woman. Look,” he said turning to Cristina. He stopped. She wasn’t looking at him. In fact, she was pointedly looking away from him. He reached over and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe away the one tear that had escaped her iron-willed self-control.
“Look,” he began again without any further acknowledgement of her tears, “I’m enough of an arrogant ass that I don’t care what Burke wants, I want the old Cristina back. She was the only one around here that was actually worth competing with. I can’t play the game by myself, Yang. And the rest of the interns, they’re just kids playing doctor. You gotta come back. Not today if you don’t want to, but you have to come back from this. You can’t forget the game, Yang.”
Scene 8: A New Kind of Elevator
“Hello, Tilly,” Addison sing-songed into the security camera.
“Didn’t expect to see you again,” Tilly’s voice commented dryly.
“Really?” Addie asked.
“No, I knew you’d be back. Pete’ll be thrilled.” Addison pursed her lips.
“I’m not back for Pete,” Addison said with conviction. “I’m here because I can do more here than I could in Seattle. Because I can be free of baggage here, and actually work for myself and my patients. That’s why I’m here. For myself and my patients.”
“You rehearsed that didn’t you?”
Addison’s composure faltered a little.
“Is it obvious?” she asked, biting her lip.
“Not really,” Tilly’s voice echoed into the elevator. “You’re just a little neurotic. You talked to me when you thought I was some kind of ‘elevator god’ so I assumed you’re the kind that practices a speech in front of the mirror too.”
Addison smiled.
“That I do,” she affirmed. “Do you think they’ll be glad to have me or surprised that I’m here? Have they talked about me?”
“If I tell you about their conversations about you, then I’ll tell them about your conversations about them. That’s the deal.”
“Deal,” Addison said gamely.
“Seriously?!” Tilly’s shock came through even over the closed circuit sound system. No one ever took her up on this deal.
“Seriously,” Addison answered with a little giggle. “It’ll keep me honest. This is a new elevator with new rules.”
“Not like the horny elevators in Seattle.”
“Right,” Addison said, thinking how interesting it was that in Seattle the rumour mill had revolved around the nurses’ station and here it was the elevator. “Now, what have they had to say about me since I left?”
“Let’s just say, for now, that they’ll all be glad to see you back in the sunshine. However, I’m not sure how they’ll feel about the cat.”
Addison set her cat carrier down and pulled out a beautiful red-haired cat. She held him up to the camera.
“This is Joe. Joe, the bartender in Seattle, was the only good thing about Seattle, and just before I left, I was given the very good advice to get a dog.”
“Uh, Addison - that’s a cat.”
“I know,” Addison laughed, petting Joe. “But I’m not a dog person. Not really and I couldn’t follow her advice to the letter. It wouldn’t be good juju.”
Scene 9: Shut Up, I’m Your Person
“Cristina?” Meredith called, knocking on the door of the bathroom. “Cristina, I’m coming in. Cristina, you have to come out,” Meredith said sitting down on the edge of a tub. “Izzie’s made so many muffins that there’s no more counter space.”
Cristina chuckled. A little. Meredith smiled. The others had made progress while she was at work.
“Are you ready to come out?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Meredith asked her friend.
“Out there, I have to be either Cold Cristina, or Broken Cristina. I’m not strong enough to be something in between anymore. I can’t do it alone, Mer. Mer, what do I do?”
“You have to come out. You don’t have to do it alone. I’m your person, remember? And people are what matters. We’ll all help you, like all of you helped me with Derek when Addison showed up, like all of us helped Alex with his boards, like all of us helped Izzie when Denny died, like all of us helped George when his dad died. We’ll take care of you. We were there after the baby, and after Burke was shot, and after the tremor. We aren’t going anywhere, and I’m your person.”
Cristina took a couple of deep breaths. She looked up at her father who was perched beside Meredith on the bathtub’s edge. He nodded at her encouragingly. Meredith glanced to her left, following Cristina’s gaze. Cristina’s voice snapped her out of it though.
“I’m going to need some clothes,” Cristina said struggling to stand up.
“Good,” Meredith said, helping Cristina pull herself up. “Loose clothes. Since Addison isn’t here to devour all of Izzie’s muffins, Alex has challenged you to a muffin eating contest, beginning whenever you come out of the bathroom.”
Cristina smiled slightly.
“You go get ‘em, Cristina!” Cristina’s father called as the bathroom door swung closed behind the girls. “Show him that even down and out, you’re still Cristina Yang!”
Addison: (to the Chief): “I need the job!”
Chief Webber: “Which is precisely why you can’t have it.”
Cristina: “I would kill to be Ellis Grey.”
Cristina: (to George) "Because you're George, and I'm Cristina."
Cristina: (in Meredith’s bathtub) “A fat, dumb, pregnant girl - who cares!” (slams sliding door shut)
“Mama”: (to Cristina) “You’re a Burke now.”
Nurse Liz: (to Cristina) “Some of the best ones, they distance themselves on purpose. Think the emotions cloud the medicine.”
Chief Webber: (to Cristina) “I will not be responsible for anything that makes you less human.”
Dr. Hahn: (to Cristina) “Cold is good.”
Ellis Grey: (to Cristina) “I didn’t fight hard enough.”
Izzie: (to Cristina; lying on the bathroom floor) “Tell me about Shiv’ah. How does it work?”
Meredith’s Voice-Over:
“My mother and I have very few things in common, but one thing is that carousels give us the creeps. I don’t like circles and things have a way of coming full circle. Circles are endless. Once you’re stuck inside a circle you can never get out.”
Scene 1: The Bathroom Floor Revisited
Cristina had never been one to keep a journal, she thought through her problems. Every now and then though, she needed someone to act as a sounding board. She had always been a Daddy’s Girl. That was why she still talked to him more than anyone else, and always in Korean. That way even if someone overheard her talking to her Dead Dad, chances were good that they wouldn’t know that was what she was doing.
“I don’t know what to do, Daddy.”
He waited silently, but sympathetically, for her to explain the situation to him.
“I mean, I’m lying here, on the floor of his bathroom in nothing but my slip and underwear, because he left me. It’s what Izzie did when Denny died.”
“Izzie?” she imagined her father asking.
“Izzie, the blond one. The model? I’ve told you about her before, remember? We sat Shiv’ah for her fiancée. She laid on the floor of Meredith’s bathroom for almost a full day and night before she was ready to get up and go on with life.”
“Don’t give me that look, Daddy,” she said looking away from the closed toilet she imagined her father was sitting on. “I know, I remember Meredith’s bathtub, and I remember getting all cold and clinical when he broke up with me the last time. That’s really the problem. I have to choose, choose between being the dumb girl who cares or the analytical, clinical Cristina that the Chief says is too cold, and inhuman.”
“You told the Chief you wanted your edge back.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“At the cost of Burke, at the price of becoming “inhuman” again? I don’t know.”
“You could just grieve, feel something.”
“I could, but that would make me Izzie, or Meredith.”
“Or George?”
“Or Bambi.”
“Talk to them. They want to help you. They want you to be you again, they love you, whoever you decide that is.”
“It kind of makes sense, right?” Alex questioned. The other interns turned wide-eyes on him. “What? Iz, isn’t this almost exactly what you did?”
“That’s why it’s weird,” Meredith hissed.
“Because it is what I did, but she’s Cristina!”
“And I’m George,” George mumbled. “Sorry,” he said glancing up. “Reflex. But when you think about it, she’s been here in a way before. The bathtub, remember? When she found out she was pregnant.”
“That’s true,” Izzie conceded.
“We can’t just stand here whispering,” Meredith snapped looking from the other interns to Burke’s bathroom door. “I’ve got to get the hospital, but I’ll be back as quickly as I can. You guys have the day off, right?” The other interns nodded. “Right, then, who wants to go first?”
Scene 2: Get a Dog!
“Addison!”
Addison turned around, and hefted her last box of office stuff a little higher in her arms as Meredith Grey skidded to a very George O’Malley like stop in front of her.
“Oh, uh, here!” Meredith was clearly flustered and for lack of something more eloquent to say or meaningful to do, she grabbed Addison’s keys and unlocked the car so she could set the box down on the back seat.
“Thanks, Grey.” Addison waited. Surely Grey had something to say to her. She had come running out of the hospital screaming her name, after all. Addison waited.
She looked at Grey and waited.
Grey shifted from foot to foot and tried, but failed, to make eye contact.
She arched an eyebrow and waited.
“Okaaay…well, thanks for the help, Grey, and - goodbye.” Addison turned to get in the car, and popped open the driver door.
“Get a dog,” Meredith blurted out suddenly.
“Excuse me?” Addison asked turning around.
“Look,” Meredith began, rambling now in classic Meredith-and/or-Thatcher-Grey style. “I know that part of this,” she waved her hands to indicate everything that had happened, “is my fault and that you’re within your rights to hate me, and Derek, and Mark, and all of us, but get a dog. When you get to L.A., get a dog.” She had Addison’s attention now.
“A dog?”
Meredith took a deep shaky breath, and plunged ahead, all caution to the wind now since there was nothing to be done about it.
“When you get to L.A. you’re going to have some friends, but they’re old friends, friends you have to rebuild relationships with. When Derek and I broke up, when you came out here, I had roommates, and Cristina, and work and I still needed a dog to feel like someone needed me and wanted me around.”
Addison’s jaw dropped a little, but there was no stopping Meredith now.
“You’ll have old med school friends, and patients but get a dog. I couldn’t keep Doc, but you’ll be able to keep one, and it’ll be better than becoming one of those people that always has the TV on just for the sake of noise.”
Meredith slowed.
“And, and I’m sorry for the part I played in all of this.”
Addison stared at Meredith for a moment somewhere between shocked indignation and flattered empathy. Meredith grew uncomfortable under the older woman’s gaze, and turned back toward the hospital.
“I told him not to hurt you, you know,” Addison’s voice caught up to her. Meredith turned around. “The day of your appendectomy, you were on morphine and we - we talked,” Addison said, tucking a strand of wind-swept hair behind her ear, and glancing down at the ground briefly. She scuffed the heel of her shoe along the ground, deliberating whether or not to continue with this story. “I was at the wedding, and I heard about you and Derek. You asked me that day how I knew that Derek was the one. I said he was the kind of man that would never hurt me. You told me that he hurt you-”
“When he picked you,” Meredith finished quietly.
“Yeah,” Addison sighed. “And then I told him, not to hurt you again.”
The women stared at each other in silence for a moment.
“I’m sorry about Doc.”
“I’m sorry about Derek.”
“Me too,” Addison said quietly, but sincerely, then, to diffuse the moment, she added wryly, “but don’t sleep with Mark to get over it.”
“Get a dog, Addison.”
Addison smiled.
Meredith smiled back.
“Goodbye, Meredith.”
“Goodbye, Addison.”
Scene 3: What Do You Say to the Woman With Ice Water in Her Veins?
“What do you say to the woman with ice water in her veins?” George whispered.
“She doesn’t have ice water in her veins, George.” Izzie said. “If she did she wouldn’t be in there on the ground crying.”
Alex was standing at the door, staring at it as though if he stood there long enough he’d be able to see through it, and then he would know what to do.
“Iz, you go first,” Alex ordered softly, turning around to face the other interns.
“What?”
“Iz,” he hesitated, and then grabbed her by the arm and dragged her away from George. “Look, Iz, I know you lost Denny. I carried you out of the man’s room. I know Mer’s normally the dark and twisty one, but she’s not here. And, you, well, you’re next in that line.”
“Okay. Okay,” Izzie conceded breathlessly, “You’re right,” she shrugged her acquiescence. “I know you’re right. I’ll just go in, and I’ll talk to her.” Izzie paused briefly before the door, took a deep breath and turned the knob.
“Cristina?” she whispered. “Cristina,” she murmured sitting down on the floor beside her. “Cristina, it isn’t Shiv’ah. It isn’t,” she insisted. “You aren’t dead.”
“Burke and me, Izzie. Burke’s gone,” Cristina said tonelessly.
“I know, Cristina, I know,” Izzie said through the tears welling up in her own eyes. “I know that he’s gone, and I’m not going to tell you you’re going to be better off without him. That would be, that would be insensitive, but I will tell you that you can go on now, even though he’s gone. You’re the strongest one of all of us, Cristina. You overcame it when I got Burke shot. You’re stronger than I am and I handled Denny’s death. This is not Shiv’ah, you can handle this, Cristina. If I can handle Denny, you can handle this. You’re stronger than I am.”
Izzie paused. Cristina hadn’t moved or said a word since she’d walked into the room. She didn’t have to Izzie decided. Meredith had asked who was going first. Izzie had gone first. Now, it was someone else’s turn. They all had to prove to Cristina that they were all in it together. That meant it was someone else’s turn.
“Soon, not now, but soon, you’ll be ready to get up, when you are, I’ll have muffins waiting. Not as many as last time, but enough to be considered comfort food.”
Izzie started for the door, but Cristina’s voice stopped her.
“I don’t know where the baking things are,” Cristina said sadly.
“It’s okay,” Izzie said smiling down at Cristina. “That’s okay. I can find them.”
Scene 4: The O.R. Board of Destiny
Derek stood looking at The Board.
“Dr. Shepherd.”
“Dr. Hahn,” Derek greeted her warmly but with a little confusion. “To what do we owe the pleasure, and does Dr. Burke know we have the pleasure yet?” Dr. Hahn gave him a perplexed but slightly cold look.
“I was under the impression that Dr. Burke was not coming in…again.”
“Excuse me?” Derek looked at in her shock.
“The Chief called me this morning and asked if I would like to take over as head of Cardio. I assumed that meant that Preston had moved on to another hospital.”
“I didn’t hear…I knew - the wedding and Cristina…” Derek began to ramble, and Dr. Hahn wondered, not for the first time what it was about the neurotic neurosurgeon that all the Seattle Grace women found so appealing. He was a spoiled, mumbling, bumbling savant as far as she was concerned. “But I never thought he’d leave…I, excuse me, Dr. Hahn,” Derek said distractedly, turning to the stairs before she could respond.
“Sure, Dr. Shepherd,” she muttered under her breath. “Sure.”
“Chief!" Derek burst out, bursting into the Chief's office. "Burke is gone?”
“Yes. He called me late last night and said that he quit,” the Chief answered without lifting his head from his hands.
“Quit? Not resigned?”
“Quit. Not resigned.” Now was seriously not the time for this. First, his wife had come back to him, in the midst of recovering from miscarriage, then his choice for chief handed the job back to him. So, he was back to square one, married to work and woman. Then, his chief of cardio had quit, and, of course, that came after he had all but told Addie to move to L.A. and now, to top it all off, Derek was going to do what Derek always does: throw a temper tantrum. That left him with Derek the Toddler and Mark the Man-Whore. Where was his sword? Clearly, it was time to fall on it. Seriously.
“You can’t let this happen!” Derek cried. “Dr. Hahn’s a fine doctor, but Burke - I, we need Burke around here!”
“He’s gone, Derek,” the Chief snapped. He was doing his best not to lose his temper or his patience, but Derek’s greatest flaw had always been the tendency toward temper tantrums. “Get to know Dr. Hahn. She’s the new Preston Burke.”
Derek stormed out of the office and returned to The Board.
Mark had watched the exchange between Derek and the Chief from the bridge thanks to the Chief’s panoramic windows. He experienced several conflicting emotions as he watched Derek, the man he had once considered his family, descend the stairs and return to The Board. He had watched Burke and Derek banter and talk at The Board a few times, always from the safety of the second story, where they couldn’t see him, or feel the twinge of jealousy he always felt as he watched Derek begin to replace him. Today though, Derek was alone. Burke, Mark had heard through the Seattle Grace rumour mill, had left. Not only Cristina, but Seattle. And Derek.
Mark was no stranger to loss. He’d lost Addison to Derek, and Derek through his and Addison’s idiocy, and then Addison again. He had left home for them, and they didn’t care. They had hurt him. He had a chance here, to let Derek feel alone; to let Derek come begging for something resembling friendship. Mark straightened and rushed down the stairs to The Board.
“Derek,” he said as he came to a halt beside the neurosurgeon. Derek didn’t respond. “Looks like the day’s going to drag by,” Mark commented. “Not a single interesting surgery.”
“What do you want, Mark?”
“I’m bored,” Mark said, hoping to keep Derek’s mind off his own woes. “What do you say we take the lovely Dr. Hahn out for lunch and get to know her? We’ll flirt with her, and she’ll call us children and then, we’ll eat good food and warn her against the evils of Seattle Grace interns - well, they’re residents now, but you know what I mean. C’mon, you can’t stand here and mope all day.”
“You’re telling me I can’t mope? You? The King of the ‘It’ll-Get-Me-Whatever-I-Want’ Pout are telling me that I can’t mope all day? My ex-wife has left for L.A. The love of my life dumped me in front of the entire hospital at Burke’s wedding. And now, Burke is gone. There’s no one left here.”
“All the more reason to come with me, and Dr. Hahn to lunch,” he paused, trying to read Derek. It was time for a rare moment of sincerity. “I’m here, Derek. We were friends once. Let’s be friends again.”
“Have you asked Dr. Hahn about these lunch plans?”
“No.”
“Well, then, let’s go find the lovely new head of Cardio, shall we?”
Scene 5: “I’m George, and You’re Cristina”
“You can handle this you know,” George said stiffly. He had no idea what to say to the woman he had always admired as the best of their year. She was the cream of the crop and she was crumbled on the ground. How was he supposed to comfort her? After all, he’s just George and she’s Cristina.
“Go away, Bambi.” The same anger that flared up when Ellis Grey had called him “Thatcher” and ordered him out of her room, and when his brothers called him “Georgie” flared up in him again now.
“My name isn’t ‘Bambi’, you know,” he said lying down on his back next Cristina. “I’m George, and you’re Cristina.”
She didn’t say anything.
“Yeah,” he continued, gaining a little steam. “I’m George and you’re Cristina - and you’re Cristina.” He stopped again. “Burke picked me instead of you that first day because I’m George, because I couldn’t do it. I became Burke’s guy because I barely got into the program. You literally became Burke’s right hand. Because I’m George and you’re Cristina.” He stopped again. He had barely gotten into the program, and now, he had flunked out of it. He turned his head to face Cristina and examined her profile before he sat up. He sat cross-legged and silently beside her for a moment.
“I failed you know.” Her head turned, and her eyes moved to his back. “The Interns’ Exam,” he explained without looking over his shoulder at her, but instead keeping his eyes fixed on the doorknob. “I failed it. I haven’t told anyone, but I failed it and I’m leaving Seattle Grace forever. I’m not going to repeat my intern’s year, and I’m not going to transfer to Mercy West, because I failed my Interns’ Exam. You had Callie’s cards, but I had Callie; and I still failed, and you still kicked ass, because I’m George and you’re Cristina.”
She blinked at him and sat up. She opened her mouth to say something.
“No, let me finish,” George said holding up a hand. “My marriage is in trouble, probably over. Yours is over because Burke realised that he didn’t want you, he wanted his vision of you and he realised that that isn’t fair to you, so he let you go. He let you be you. My marriage is over because I cheated. Everyone thinks Alex is the man-whore, but me… I’ve slept with Meredith, and Olivia, and Callie, and…and Izzie. I cheated on Callie with Izzie and it’s going to end my marriage. Mine is over because I’m an idiot, an insensitive, adulterous idiot who didn’t realise how much pain he was going to cause the only woman that saw him as anything more than ‘Bambi’. Yours is over because Burke realised at the last possible moment that he didn’t want to destroy you, to cause you that pain; that you’re worth saving. Cristina, our marriages are over because I’m George, and you’re Cristina.”
Cristina reached over and took George’s hand. George looked up at her in shock. Even when she had ‘welcomed’ him into the Dead-Dads Club she hadn’t touched him.
“I’m sorry, George.”
He gave her half a smile, mostly because he was determined not to cry until he had left the room. That bathroom had seen enough of his emotional mess. The haircut after the sex-with-Meredith fiasco was all the washroom wallowing he wanted to do.
He leaned against the door as he shut it behind him and took a moment to collect himself. A couple of deep breathes later he opened his eyes. Alex was leaning against the wall opposite him. He raised his eyebrows in question and George shook his head slightly in answer. No, no she wasn’t coming out yet.
“You’re up, Alex,” he sighed.
Scene 6: The Truth Shall Set You Free
George waited until Alex had braced himself and then gone in to talk to Cristina, then he headed to the kitchen. He was only a little surprised to find Callie there. She had come when Izzie was grieving, she had kept Meredith prom panties a secret; she had tried to become one of the family, just as George had told her she’d have to do. So, she was here, helping Izzie make an insane number of muffins. Of course, the tension between the two most important women in his life was nearly palpable.
“I have to talk to you guys,” George started.
“To both of us?” Izzie asked, the panic evident in her voice. “Together?”
“Seriously?” Callie shot at him. “Now?”
“To both of you. Together. Seriously. Now,” George answered with resignation. “Callie, I’m a terrible person.”
“George, don’t -” Both women started to stop him and stopped the instant they heard their voices speaking in unison. Callie shot a glare at Izzie. Izzie looked down and away from both George and Callie.
“Callie, I - You were right about everything. You always were. And, I - I cheated on you. I slept with her,” George said quietly. “I’m a terrible, horrible cruel person, and I’m not even going to ask your forgiveness. If you want a divorce, then I won’t fight you. I don’t deserve you.” It all came out in a rush, as if he was afraid she was going to begin throwing things at him before he got it all out.
Callie lifted her chin, refusing to let tears fall and looked from her husband to his mistress. There was no way she was going to cry in front of Stevens.
“Is it over?” she asked in a low, hollow tone.
“Yes,” George said. Callie’s narrowed eyes met his large, finally honest ones.
“Is it?” she asked again, this time turning to Izzie.
“Yes,” Izzie answered in a broken voice. “Yes, it’s over.”
Callie was suddenly furious. How dare the two of them look like she had just killed their cat! They had put her marriage in danger.
“And us?” Callie asked, shouting now. “Are we over?” she demanded, glaring at George. “Are you finished? Tell me! Tell me I didn’t marry a mini-Mark-style-man-whore! Huh? George?! Tell me!”
“Actually, there’s a little more,” George said almost inaudibly. “And when I tell you, you may not want me anymore, Callie.” He took a deep breath.
“I failed my Interns’ Exam. I’m unemployed. Callie, Iz, I failed the test. I’m not a doctor anymore.”
Scene 7: The Game
“Dude,” Alex chuckled. “Sounds like Mrs. O’Malley found out about Mistress O’Malley.” Cristina’s eyes moved from Alex to the door, through which Callie’s shouting was seeping into her little corner of the world.
“Okay,” Alex said running a hand over his short hair and sitting down beside Cristina, “Here’s the thing, Yang. All those people out there, they’ve forgotten. They’ve forgotten about the game. It’s like I’m the only player on the field anymore. No one cuts anyone else out of the good surgeries; no one is ruthless about getting the best assignments. Hell, we don’t even steal each other’s patients anymore!”
“I’ve always been in it to win, you know? Just like you. Iz is in it ‘cause she cares, and Grey and O’Malley still have crap to prove to their parents, but you and me, we’re in it to win. And Burke? You’re better off without Burke. He was an arrogant ass. He was an arrogant ass who held you back, and made you compromise yourself. You’re not a Burke. He always said that: “Dr. Burke”, like it meant so much to everyone who heard it, but you’re better as Cristina Yang. The Cristina Yang who bet me that I couldn’t deliver discharges faster than she could, the Cristina Yang who bets on Meredith’s love-life and George’s surgeries, who coins all the best “McDoctor” jokes, and beat me in a hot dog eating contest. And you weren’t her today, all dressed up and painted to look like Burke’s idea of the perfect woman. Look,” he said turning to Cristina. He stopped. She wasn’t looking at him. In fact, she was pointedly looking away from him. He reached over and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe away the one tear that had escaped her iron-willed self-control.
“Look,” he began again without any further acknowledgement of her tears, “I’m enough of an arrogant ass that I don’t care what Burke wants, I want the old Cristina back. She was the only one around here that was actually worth competing with. I can’t play the game by myself, Yang. And the rest of the interns, they’re just kids playing doctor. You gotta come back. Not today if you don’t want to, but you have to come back from this. You can’t forget the game, Yang.”
Scene 8: A New Kind of Elevator
“Hello, Tilly,” Addison sing-songed into the security camera.
“Didn’t expect to see you again,” Tilly’s voice commented dryly.
“Really?” Addie asked.
“No, I knew you’d be back. Pete’ll be thrilled.” Addison pursed her lips.
“I’m not back for Pete,” Addison said with conviction. “I’m here because I can do more here than I could in Seattle. Because I can be free of baggage here, and actually work for myself and my patients. That’s why I’m here. For myself and my patients.”
“You rehearsed that didn’t you?”
Addison’s composure faltered a little.
“Is it obvious?” she asked, biting her lip.
“Not really,” Tilly’s voice echoed into the elevator. “You’re just a little neurotic. You talked to me when you thought I was some kind of ‘elevator god’ so I assumed you’re the kind that practices a speech in front of the mirror too.”
Addison smiled.
“That I do,” she affirmed. “Do you think they’ll be glad to have me or surprised that I’m here? Have they talked about me?”
“If I tell you about their conversations about you, then I’ll tell them about your conversations about them. That’s the deal.”
“Deal,” Addison said gamely.
“Seriously?!” Tilly’s shock came through even over the closed circuit sound system. No one ever took her up on this deal.
“Seriously,” Addison answered with a little giggle. “It’ll keep me honest. This is a new elevator with new rules.”
“Not like the horny elevators in Seattle.”
“Right,” Addison said, thinking how interesting it was that in Seattle the rumour mill had revolved around the nurses’ station and here it was the elevator. “Now, what have they had to say about me since I left?”
“Let’s just say, for now, that they’ll all be glad to see you back in the sunshine. However, I’m not sure how they’ll feel about the cat.”
Addison set her cat carrier down and pulled out a beautiful red-haired cat. She held him up to the camera.
“This is Joe. Joe, the bartender in Seattle, was the only good thing about Seattle, and just before I left, I was given the very good advice to get a dog.”
“Uh, Addison - that’s a cat.”
“I know,” Addison laughed, petting Joe. “But I’m not a dog person. Not really and I couldn’t follow her advice to the letter. It wouldn’t be good juju.”
Scene 9: Shut Up, I’m Your Person
“Cristina?” Meredith called, knocking on the door of the bathroom. “Cristina, I’m coming in. Cristina, you have to come out,” Meredith said sitting down on the edge of a tub. “Izzie’s made so many muffins that there’s no more counter space.”
Cristina chuckled. A little. Meredith smiled. The others had made progress while she was at work.
“Are you ready to come out?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Meredith asked her friend.
“Out there, I have to be either Cold Cristina, or Broken Cristina. I’m not strong enough to be something in between anymore. I can’t do it alone, Mer. Mer, what do I do?”
“You have to come out. You don’t have to do it alone. I’m your person, remember? And people are what matters. We’ll all help you, like all of you helped me with Derek when Addison showed up, like all of us helped Alex with his boards, like all of us helped Izzie when Denny died, like all of us helped George when his dad died. We’ll take care of you. We were there after the baby, and after Burke was shot, and after the tremor. We aren’t going anywhere, and I’m your person.”
Cristina took a couple of deep breaths. She looked up at her father who was perched beside Meredith on the bathtub’s edge. He nodded at her encouragingly. Meredith glanced to her left, following Cristina’s gaze. Cristina’s voice snapped her out of it though.
“I’m going to need some clothes,” Cristina said struggling to stand up.
“Good,” Meredith said, helping Cristina pull herself up. “Loose clothes. Since Addison isn’t here to devour all of Izzie’s muffins, Alex has challenged you to a muffin eating contest, beginning whenever you come out of the bathroom.”
Cristina smiled slightly.
“You go get ‘em, Cristina!” Cristina’s father called as the bathroom door swung closed behind the girls. “Show him that even down and out, you’re still Cristina Yang!”