Everything & Nothing.
Click to viewI'm having a bit of an interpersonal crisis of late. In order to seek out perspective, does one have to dump the proverbial baby out with the bathwater? How do you tell someone "I love you but I wish like hell I didn't?" , How do you convey that you'd like your vital comraderie to continue but you find yourself stumbling into stunned silence every third time his eyes glint in the light and he casts me an awkward grin. Once this is said...then, how do you find the way back to so called normal? The point where I don't feel like a silly schoolboy with his heart on his sleeve? The point where you don't feel ridiculous for every drunken pang of longing that sneaks in amid our usual dorky banter?
All answers leave me cold, and I wish myself to be as far away from the rawness of feeling as possible. When it concerns you I go from feeling too much to too little and I'd rather feel nothing at all. Free myself from this, despite the truth that I'll be losing out on so much of the greatness we occasionally are. But its false, and inconsistant and makes me sad to want to cling to something that offers everything and nothing concurrently. I seek to be free of the iternal conflict and juvenile puppy dog angsting and seek out relationships that don't make me melancholy and doubtful. I could tell a million stories about your eyes, and that insufferably lovely goofy spirit, but I don't think any of that will ever be of use to me.