"I can see much clearler now"
Here's what happened last night: I was looking around trying to find out where Aaron currently lives --> Checked out LukeVanFan's channel to where he divorced Alison --> skipped over to the Thanksgiving --> Began psychoanalyzing Luke.
What differentiates Carly and Luke's alcoholism is that Carly seems to have chronic and genetic alcoholism, whereas Luke's seems to be more situational. Luke can stop, while Carly can't. They both turn to alcohol, but in different ways: Carly does it to prop herself up and make life bearable. Luke does it to tear himsef down and destroy his life.
From the pre-Noah days, the clip that breaks my heart every time is when Lucinda catches Luke and Kevin passed out drunk, and after Kevin leaves, Lucinda asks, "I don't get it. You're cute, you're smart, you've got friends...why do you want to die?" Emphasis mine. It gets me because I think there is something inherently suicidal about Luke.
I started mulling over what I know about Luke and why he might be like this, and realized there are a lot of things he might be feeling guilty over to add this quality to his personality. First off, Damian's desire to hang onto him (as well as Lily) led to the first kidnapping of him and the kidnapping/drugging of Lily. Then, him being the Grimaldi heir led to the second kidnapping--by Dante--which put Lily and Holden and eventually Rose in danger (and also led to Jack's first kill). He trashed Julia's apartment, which set up Lily to get accused for Julia's murder. And then, his sneaking down to Mexico got himself an infected kidney, which led to Lily becoming engaged to Keith in order to save Luke.
And I think somewhere in there, he began to think, 'I'm not worth all this trouble.'
The first instance of self-destructive behavior I know of is when he confronts Keith with a knife and says he'll cut out his own kidney if it means Lily will be free. And yeah he was drunk, but I'm pretty sure that was an idea that was floating around his head before he actually downed that bottle. If Holden and Keith hadn't stopped him, I really don't doubt that he would have stabbed himself to try and rip the kidney out.
Fast-forward a bit to when his "Gay Storyline" starts...and then fast-forward to when he actually comes out. "I lied because I didn't want to hurt you." In retrospect, the dangerous drinking makes perfect sense if one thinks that he feels he's not worth his own existence. He'd rather destroy himself than present his parents with a valueless child.
Here's the other thing; he doesn't drink just when he's upset. Wheelchair? No drinking. Amira/First Break-up/Enlistment? No drinking. (IIRC, of course). But then there's the school election arc, when he actually does something dishonorable/illegal and he loses Noah because of it, and then he goes right back to the bottle. It's not sadness, but guilt that drives Luke's alcoholism. Luke does this to himself because--I think--on some level he does not feel like a worthwhile human being, and this is probably because the fact that he exists has put his loved ones in danger so many times. When he fucks up, Luke's instinct is to self-destruct. You even see this on New Year's Eve...he's still reeling from the break-up despite the make-up, and he can't have been feeling like the most worthy person in the world when Noah walks out with Maddie.
To answer Lucinda's question, Luke doesn't want to die. He feels he has to.
This is interesting when you put him up against Noah. When Noah feels guilty, he tries to, albeit misguidedly, make things better. When there's a problem he wants to push the issue away. With being gay, he'll just pretend that he's not (even though honestly? G and I are convinced that he's bi). When Luke is shot, Noah will go back to Maddie and pretend his feelings don't exist. When the Colonel's "dead", he'll focus on his own percieved failings and try to "fix" those instead of addressing the hurt he feels by the betrayal. In recent episodes we see Noah beginning to put the kibosh on that, when he admits to Luke and Damian that he doesn't think he can put his father behind him. Luke's problem isn't as clearly solved, though. For one, no one's really addressed it. For another, I doubt Luke is fully cognizant of what he does to himself. Boy acts confident. He's no wilting flower; he's assertive to the point of aggressive and extremely tenacious. As Noah said, Luke is comfortable in his skin. He's happy with who he is, yes...but who he is, is someone who sabotages himself when feelings of worthlessness come along.
What I'd like to see now is a storyline that confronts them with a problem that makes them both feel like shit. I'd like to see Noah's newfound ability to admit things to himself put to the test, not only just to see him grow on his own terms, but aso to see if he can extend this to another person. Is Noah's growth enough to not "walk out on" or ignore Luke when he's trying to "fix" the problem by destroying himself? If TPTB do one thing with the boys that I could get behind 1000%, it'd be answering that question.
I found myself wanting to write a drabble on this last night, too.
Anyone out there watch Yami no Matsuei? Nuke takes on a TsuSoka feel when you look at them this way. I knew I had similar taste in OTPs.
~Honey