Turtle Story: First Time part 2
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Raphael sat in the main room with Mikey. Though his brother was babbling about why this old classic movie was brilliant, Raph wasn’t really watching it, nor was he listening to his brother. His thoughts had shifted to Donnie and he was focused fully on his current dilemma.
He remembered the first time he killed a human. He had only been eleven at the time. It had been scary, horrifying, and the guilt had been overwhelming. He had locked himself away in his room for days on end - and if it hadn’t been for Donnie bringing food to him everyday, he would have starved. Eventually he had migrated to the dojo to pound away at the newly made punching bag Splinter had reinforced just for him, and he had spent days in there, beating at the bag ruthlessly as though trying to beat away the demons inside of him. Leonardo had commented once on how impressed he was with his new work ethic - but striving to get better wasn’t the reason at the time. Raph had wanted to feel clean; unsullied. He already felt like an outcast from his family, but now they all knew he could kill and probably would again, and that somehow made him feel all the more set apart from his family.
That was the worst part; knowing he would eventually take another life.
Shame had been a lingering emotion in his soul, but he had worked through it. Silently, in the darkness, in a corner of his room with his back to the wall, Raphael had stared at the opposite corner, asking questions to the universe on silent lips. Eventually he had raged his emotions against the logic of the ‘if’ factor. If he had hadn’t, if he had used a different attack, if he hadn’t attacked the way he had. All the ‘ifs’ ran amuck in his mind till one finally settled into his mind that resolved them all.
‘If you hadn’t killed him, he might have come back to kidnap or kill you or your brothers in the future.’
Everything released at that point and Raphael’s young shoulders had physically slumped down in relief. He had continued to sit in the darkness after that and mulled over the calming truth that nothing was certain in a fight and that unknown factors could, and probably would, always come back to bite them in the asses if they didn’t take care of each situation to the best of their abilities and knowledge.
Raph snapped back to reality, dragging himself away from that memory of sitting in that corner in the darkness where he had came to terms for killing someone. Donnie had been the only one of them that hadn’t killed yet. With his weapon being what it was, he was able to debilitate his enemies over killing them outright. Raph knew perfectly well that the staff was more than capable of killing; and it was perhaps the most ancient of killing tools to boot. The bo staff was a universal weapon that every culture in the world had created at one time or another if for no other reason than it was simple in design, but powerful and effective when used.
Glancing over at the door to the bathroom and then to the clock near the television sets, Raph frowned deeply in concern as he began to wiggle his foot a few times atop his knee. An hour and a half, and Donnie still hadn’t left the bathroom.
He looked back towards the door before he stood, not even realizing he was walking away from Mikey in the middle of his explanation as to why zombies should be the most feared of all monsters.
“Raph?” Mikey called.
“Don’s been in there a long time.” He explained.
Mikey’s face twisted up in worry as he moved around on the couch, draping himself over the back of it as he watched his brother, “You think he’s okay?”
Frowning and looking back to his baby bro, Raph shook his head. “Come on Mikey, you really think the Brainiac isn’t beating himself up over killin’ someone? He’s probably more broken up than all of us combined.” He sighed heavily before he turned, “I’m going to check on him… and stay here.” He added as an after thought. He headed down the hall, feeling Mikey’s eyes follow him and lingered even as he stopped in front of the door and knocked loudly. “Donnie?”
“I’m okay…” Don’s voice was weak and had a hitch to it.
Knocking again, Raphael tried the doorknob, rattling it loudly. “Donnie, open the door.” He called and jiggled the knob again as though hoping it would just miraculously pop unlocked.
“Go‘way.” Don mumbled.
“Donnie, open the door now!” Raph shouted, pounding a few times on the door. There was no answer this time and Raphael’s stomach flipped with nervousness. The vague image of Donnie sitting on the floor with a razor in his wrists over what he had done, threatened to clarify and take center stage in his mind’s eye, but he shoved it away with another pound of his first on the door and a desperate rasp in his voice. “Now, Donnie! I’ll break this door down if you don’t!”
Again there was no answer and fear finally took hold of his actions, “Don! I mean it! If I break this door down I ain’t helpin’ ya fix it!” He threatened, though it was weak. He stood there, his fingers trembling against the doorknob. There were no sounds of movement on the other side of the door, nor where there any noises of shuffling or the click of the lock being undone. Absolute silence rained down around him and he again had that sickening image of Donnie huddled in on himself as he drew a growing line of blood down his wrist with clinical precision and a steady hand holding the knife.
Pounding a few more times, Raph finally snarled and snatched a sai out of his belt. He shoved it into the lock and wiggled it around, moving the blade up, down, left and right before he twisted it and the door’s lock snapped open and he tossed his sai to the ground, not caring what happened to it just so long as he got into that bathroom.
He shoved the door open with a hard hit of his shoulder against the wood and he scrambled in, eyes scanning the small bathroom quickly. He only vaguely took note of his brother’s minimal clothing - if it could be called that - thrown about and scattered across the cement with none of the care Donnie usually showed towards his belongings. Raph hurried to the shower, his stomach dropping and his heart pounding, and he jerked the curtain aside. He was met with blank walls; that is, until he looked down and stared at Donnie trembling in the tub with cold water beating down on him.
Looking him over quickly, Raph sighed in relief when no self-inflicted wounds were visible. He reached over and slowly increased the temperature till the room once again began to fill with steam and his skin prickled from the heated moisture billowing across his skin. “Donnie, come on-”
“Go ’way.” He mumbled and hid his face further against his arms.
Raph frowned, his shoulders falling slightly and his hands curling into fists. “You should talk ‘bout all this.”
“I… just go away. I’ll be fine.” He whispered.
Looking away, Raph turned and moved back towards the door. He gripped the handle as he moved to leave then he paused and turned, looking over at Don again. The door suddenly found itself closed and locked once again. Raphael stared at his fingers; a bit unsure as to what he was doing but he reached up suddenly and tugged his mask off and dropped it to the ground with shaking fingers. Amber eyes widened as he turned back towards the shower and studied the faint outline of Donnie against the wall on the other side of the bubble-motif shower curtain. He tugged at his pads and obi, dropping them to the floor once he had stripped himself of the miniscule clothing they did wear, and he cautiously walked back towards the shower, his heart hammering in his chest as his mind went blank and his body moved solely on auto-pilot.
The heat of the water stung at first - it was hotter than he expected - but he pushed the feeling aside and knelt down, his hands resting on Don’s shoulders. He watched Donnie’s brows crinkle as he lifted a hand and weakly tried to push his hand away, but Raph gripped him a bit tighter and moved his hands down to Donnie’s wrists, forcibly grabbing his attention and making him look him in the eyes. “Donnie…” he whispered.
Don shuddered and tried to pull his hands away even as a sob escaped him. His hands curling into fists and he fought weakly, shaking his head as he was slowly pulled away from the wall. Raphael leaned forward, whispering his name quietly in his ear, and that was all it took for him to give up his fight and unwrap himself from his curled position. Raph pulled him closer and Donnie shuddered, hiccupping loudly with his eyes squeezed shut. As soon as he felt Raphael’s hand on his shell and his brow pressed to Raph’s plastron, Donnie jerked his arms free and he flung himself at his brother, gripping at him tightly and shaking as a howl ripped passed his throat.
“Hey… hey, it’s okay.” Raphael whispered, pressing his hand to the back of Don’s head as he hid his face against his neck. “Donnie, you’re okay, we’re okay… and it wasn’t yer fault. You did what you had too and-”
“I killed him. I killed some lady’s son. I killed a brother or a nephew, or a grandchild… a father… I took him away from his family. I… I hate myself…”
A scoff tumbled from Raph’s chest and his arms tightened around Donnie’s body. “Don’t start hatin’ yourself. Donnie, sometimes these things happen. It’s part of war. When those kids put those masks on, they are committin’ themselves ta the battlefield and if they are goin’ to fight us, then they need to accept the consequences - just like we do. I’d rather ya kill than be killed.” He whispered, pulling him closer.
A sniffle tumbled from Don and Raph tightened his hold, and he shivered as the heat of the water soaked into his bones. His mind became muddled with relaxation, and he began to slowly rub circles across Donnie’s shell, trying to give some of that calming and relaxed feeling to him. “Donnie; I love ya too much to lose you.” He whispered.
Donnie hiccupped and gripped tightly at his shoulders. “But… I never wanted to kill…”
“Don, killing was bound to happen-”
“But I thought I could get away with it… I mean… I don’t know…” he trembled and his face twisted up again as tears ran hot and fast, mixing with the water on Raph’s body. “I sorta idealistically thought I wouldn’t kill anyone if I just didn’t want too.”
“Accidents happen.” Raph explained, his hands running along Don’s body to soothe him. “You gotta remember somethin’, ‘kay Donnie? Would you rather regret having a victim killed, or regret killing the perp? At the end of the day, I’d rather have to deal with the perp’s death than innocent lives.”
“He was going to kill you… if he had gotten any closer… so I hit him. Maybe if I hadn’t thrown him so hard. Maybe if I had just stopped him and knocked him to the ground-”
Raphael shook his head, pressing his cheek to Don’s. “Don’t do this to yourself, Donnie. You’ll start questioning everything and it’ll never end. Just believe in the actions ya took at the time. You did everything to the best of yer abilities and knowledge. If ya start doubtin’ yourself, you or one of us could die from it.”
Don stiffened against Raph’s chest and he felt his arms tighten around his neck. “Look at me, what kinda ninja am I?” he whispered against Raph’s collarbone. “I’m crying over killing someone. This is what ninjas do; we fight and kill and hide in the shadows. I can’t even be a good ninja.”
“When we fight, we are in a life and death situation, Donnie. It’s kill or be killed.”
“But…”
“Donnie, you’re willin’ to kill for me. That’s the greatest honor I’ve ever experienced. You care that much for me; and I’d do anything - anything - to protect you in return.” Raph whispered, pressing a kiss to Don’s brow.
Donnie leaned into the touch, shivering from the feel of his lips upon his skin. It had been five years since he last felt him so close - so warm and reassuring as he surrounded him. He shifted his head, leaning into his kiss. He felt Raph hesitate before he leaned down to press another kiss to his cheek - but Donnie moved his head again and the kiss landed at the corner of his mouth. Something sparked and Donnie trembled against him. He turned his head faintly and felt a puff of air brush over his lips. He closed his eyes, recalling those feelings from so long ago from when they were happy and he longed to be consumed by them once more.
Raphael’s fingers had stilled and he gripped at Donnie as though the hot water beating down on them would wash him away any second now. He was so close - he could almost feel the outline of those lips against his. Don shifted suddenly - and not wanting to be the one taken by surprise, Raph inched forward, pressing his lips to Don’s and drowning in the flood of memories and in the moment. His stomach jumped and his heart fluttered - he was kissing him… after so long and pining for him after countless nights, he was finally kissing him once again.
Neither wanted to let up and they breathed heavily through their noses as their lips delicately danced against the others, tasting and remembering as well as discovering new delights.
A gasp escaped Donnie’s mouth and he shuddered as Raph’s fingers trailed down along the side of his body and to his thigh, feeling the muscle there before he slowly stroked back upwards to his shell and then to the back of his head. The kiss deepened and Donnie willingly flung himself into the cautious intensity. He wrapped an arm about Raph’s head and his other hand grabbed at his arm, tugging him closer and guiding his hand back to his thigh where he inhaled sharply at the feel.
Raphael’s lips pressed heatedly to Don’s, and a searing kiss took over the delicate, searching ones from before. Tongues mixed in a sweeping arc of desperation as they tasted and explored the other.
Neither were completely certain who had moved first to end up in their current position, but Donnie let a cry escape him as his shell made contact with the wall and Raph arched between his legs, rubbing their lower plastrons together.
Pleasure shot up Don’s spine then back down into his groin where he writhed against Raph, and he tightened his legs around his waist, pulling him closer. He whimpered as Raphael’s kiss ended, only to moan as his lips and teeth raked down his neck, lapping, biting and suckling at his skin.
“Raphie...!” Donnie cried out, scratching at his carapace and arching his back into him to thrust his hips into the rubbing. “Raph…” he breathed, trembling against him and allowing his tears to slide down his face.
Groaning loudly, Raphael shuddered against him and groped at a leg, pressing his thumb against the inside of his thigh and rubbing circles against the taunt flesh - and he delighted in the moan of pleasure that tumbled from Don. Lifting his eyes to stare at him, Raph felt something jerk in his gut and he stopped all movements as he watched the tears run down Don’s cheeks.
“Donnie…?”
“Don’t stop… please!” He called, arching against him and trying to copy the rubbing and thrusting motions Raphael had performed just seconds before.
Raphael shuddered and felt his eyes close as Donnie’s thighs rubbed along his sides where the skin was more delicate between his plastron and carapace. The last time his legs had been wrapped around him, was the day Splinter had forced them apart. It had been bittersweet at the time - because even though he knew he was walking to his doom as he held Donnie close, he had still taken a childish delight in feeling skin on skin in that position. His hips jerked forward unconsciously and he groaned at the moan Donnie let loose.
He wanted to so badly… he wanted to feel Donnie wrap about him in the most intimate of ways and not care about anything else in the world but the two of them - but Donnie’s tears rained down upon his desires, dampening the raging lust that had threaten to spill forth. Raphael moaned and continued his kisses and slowing his movements as his hands began to stroke over thighs and arms, memorizing his body while he could. Their tongues battled and rolled over the other, dueling against the other while tasting and experiencing the other.
Donnie whimpered and gave a thrust of his hips against Raph’s while writhing against him. “R-Raphie… m-more…” he begged, though he sobbed not a second later when nothing more happened.
Though he trembled and hated himself for having to be the voice of reason at the moment, Raphael slowed their frantic lust, bringing them both down from the pleasure-high they had unexpectedly experienced. He trailed his fingertips over skin and kissed along his neck and across lips, his hips only occasionally nudging against Don’s in his attempt to slow their hips to a complete stop as the minutes ticked by.
At first, Donnie groped at him, whimpering and begging him to go faster; he did everything to entice him short of asking him to do it. Perhaps that was his problem - Raph was scared to continue till he knew he wanted it…
“Raphie…”
“Not like this.” Raph whispered against his lips, cutting him off as though he knew what he was about to ask. He tasted Donnie’s whimper and soothed it away with another kiss that drew the smaller turtle’s attention to the battling tongues. Raph broke the kiss for only a moment, his brow pressing to Don’s as he inhaled slowly. “You’re too special for this.” He breathed and eased the pressure he was using to press their bodies together.
Donnie sniffled and bowed his head, pressing his brow to Raphael’s shoulder as his arms slackened in their hold. “Why are you picking now of all times to be rational and responsible? Why not just take me? I want you to do it with me…”
Raph did grunt and squeeze his eyes shut at Don’s confession - it had caused a surge of lust to shoot down his spine and pool in his groin once more at the very idea that Donnie wanted him to do unspeakable sexual things to him. It was so hot and yet it was scary. “Donnie… I want too-”
“Then do it!” He cried out, his eyes squeezed tight as he threw his head back, forcing a few rough movements against Raph’s hips and whimpering from the mild pleasure it caused. “I want this….” Donnie bleated with another roll of his hips and his legs tightening around his waist.
“But not in the shower after being upset over killing someone!” Raph snapped, his voice harsh and strained despite his brows knitting together in concern as he slumped forward once more, pressing their brows together and lifting a shaky hand to Don’s cheek to cup in his palm. “I’m not doin’ this just so ya can forget for a while. When we do it, I want you to want it for no other reason than because you crave me.” Raph breathed.
Donnie collapsed against him in defeat - because Raphael had figured him out.
“Raph, do it now… it’ll probably be our only chance…”
“What?” Raph asked, lifting his head to stare at him, his fingertips still stroking and trailing along his body.
Donnie’s eyes gathered tears as he shivered, “We can’t continue this outside this room after we leave. This is the last moment we’ll ever have.” Those dark eyes deepened in color and Raph thought his soul might get lost in the haunting depths of Donnie’s eyes.
Raph’s stomach dropped and his hands went limp against Don’s thighs - Donnie wasn’t going to continue… he wasn’t going to pick up their relationship from where it had been shattered back when they were ten. “Donnie, don’t threaten…” He begged, gripping his hips and bowing his head.
He sniffled and wrapped his arms about his neck once more, “I’m not; I’m just stating a fact. We still can’t continue this even though we want it…. Do it now before I change my mind, please!” He cried out, arching his back.
Shaking his head, Raphael felt his own eyes sting - though he refused to let the tears gather in his eyes. He held Donnie tightly, his hands trailing down his thighs, urging them to move a bit along his sides before he pulled back slowly. “Not like this…” he breathed, his fingertips slowly trailing up Don’s thighs and to his elbows with one last final caress before they had to end it all.
Donnie whimpered and closed his eyes, turning his head away and going limp in defeat. “’Kay…’ he whispered.
Raphael lifted his eyes to stare squarely at Donnie before he leaned forward, nuzzling and kissing at his neck, breathing in his watered down scent. “I still love you.”
Donnie stifled a sob and more tears rolled down his cheeks.
*****~*****
They had stayed in the shower a few minutes longer - not moving, just hugging each other tightly. Donnie had cried - both because he knew this was going to end and because of his continued guilt at killing someone. He felt so heavy with his burden and he didn’t know how to logically deal with something like this; not right away that is.
Donnie curled up in bed and tried to sleep, but images of what he had done replayed over and over in his mind. As noon approached - which would have been midnight to them - Donnie finally crawled from his bed and made his way to Mikey’s room. Opening the door, he hesitated as he spied the empty bed in the dark. Looking away and across the way to Leo’s room, he hesitated before he walked silently to Raphael’s room, his fingers shaking as he stared at his door.
He was so scared. Of what, he wasn’t sure. Rejection perhaps? He hadn’t wanted to go to Raph first because of what had happened earlier in the shower… though he certainly felt more safe with him than he would have had Mikey actually been in his room.
Pushing the door open and slipping inside as silently as possible, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it heavily, staring at his sleeping brother across the room in his hammock. He tried to breathe as silently as possible with his mouth before he took a cautious step forward. Donnie picked his way through the mess of weights and exercise equipment that littered the room, and he quietly made his way to the hammock in the corner.
Stopping in front of him, Donnie reached out towards his brother but then jerked his hand back and closed his eyes. What was he doing? He couldn’t… not after what almost happened….
“Donnie, just get in.” Raph rasped out, pulling his blanket back and holding his hand out.
Donnie’s mind flashed back to the time they were kids and he had done the same thing - sneaking into his brother’s room, and Raph would then order him to climb in next to him. Don’s lower lip trembled and he reached out immediately, taking his hand and climbing in next to him on the swinging bed. He found himself surrounded by Raphael and he clung to him, burying his face in his neck.
“Ya didn’t do it on purpose. You were only protectin’ yer family.” Raph whispered and stroked his shell, pressing his cheek to the top of Don’s head.
“But I killed him.” Donnie sniffled and curled his fingers around Raph’s scutes and holding him tightly to him.
“Yeah, ya did; but I lived because of it. You reacted an’ it saved me, it saved Mikey, and it saved Leo. If I had fallen, they would have been distracted and they could have died. You saved us all Donnie.”
Don took in a shuddering breath, “You don’t hate me?”
“Never could, bro.” Raph breathed.
A stifled sob fell from Don’s chest and he clung tighter to Raph, shaking as the guilt began to ease. It was heavy and would take a long time to fully leave him till only a faint ache from time to time would remind him of his sins, but at least his load wasn’t as heavy as before.
“Donnie-”
“Thanks Raphie…” he whispered, his eyes dropping closed and he fell into sleep immediately.
Raphael closed his eyes and sighed loudly, hugging Don close to him and telling himself this was for the best - after all, now wasn’t the time to ask if he wanted to risk being together again.
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mmmm, so how did you like it? I really liked this one; it was actually probably the first story that I came up with when I was just beginning to think of maybe writing TMNT fiction. this one just stuck so strongly in my head that I finally had to write it down - and luckily it fit with the series so far.
oh yeah, I did a bit of research when i wrote this (research meaning I watched a BUNCH of the 2k3 cartoon first season; and I was happy to see that the guys didn't fight the foot all the much in the beginning. It wasn't till about episode 14 or 15 that they ran into the foot a third time - so I'm basing this story on a fight between that one and the one right before they get the sword of Tengu from the Foot. I just figured it was a little scuffle in an alley that got out of hand after the Foot called for reinforcements, and then this happened. And I also figured that by now the other guys have at least taken a life in one way or another; whether they were fighting Purple Dragons, or just from some guy on the street that they were trying to stop. I just throught I'd clear that up for you. :)
But I'd love to hear what ya'll have to say about this one. I really like it and it was fun to write... especially the action scenes XD I loved that! I forgot how much fun writing fights were! *giggles* I'd love some reviews, and thanks for reading!
~Melissa the Damgel