in control
it's the saddest thing in the world when someone you love looks at you with fear in their eyes. was it always this way? am i something to be feared? am i the stuff of nightmares? i feel disgusting, and this doesn't help.
oh well. i bring it upon myself.
i have to remind myself that i cannot allow myself to have any sort of doubt, lose any control. i don't, i have an iron grip around what otherwise might be a messy affair. i have to look after her, no room for my fuck ups. it's not fair on her. so i'll clamp down on this now, pack it in, away, out of sight, out of mind? nearly. repress, repress, as always, it works for me. i've never really gone wrong, skirting around the edge of of implosion, there's no time for it, i have to worry about others, far more significant than i. i can let it all go to shit when i'm cold and alone, not when there's her to care for.
i can be the lovely normal boy for her.
i try my best to be what she deserves, so good for her, but i am silly and sometimes i get it wrong. so i will try again, and do better, because i just want to please her.
i want her to stop looking at me with such fear :(
oh well. i bring it upon myself.
i have to remind myself that i cannot allow myself to have any sort of doubt, lose any control. i don't, i have an iron grip around what otherwise might be a messy affair. i have to look after her, no room for my fuck ups. it's not fair on her. so i'll clamp down on this now, pack it in, away, out of sight, out of mind? nearly. repress, repress, as always, it works for me. i've never really gone wrong, skirting around the edge of of implosion, there's no time for it, i have to worry about others, far more significant than i. i can let it all go to shit when i'm cold and alone, not when there's her to care for.
i can be the lovely normal boy for her.
i try my best to be what she deserves, so good for her, but i am silly and sometimes i get it wrong. so i will try again, and do better, because i just want to please her.
i want her to stop looking at me with such fear :(