These things that leave me ashen
She looked up at the dome stretching into the sky. It lifted, solid and aflame, in a smooth bowl above her. Under her hand it writhed and purred, almost like a living thing...and that wasn't exactly right but it was acceptable. A lot of her creations almost seemed alive; she was getting used to it.
Of course, checking the shields was only a delay. Time never moved right here, or for her in general, but she didn't have much of it. Kitty had given her an idea, saying something about telepaths being able to fix people's minds...
...she'd known that of course. It was something Xavier was working on their sessions, wandering through her mind. But having Kitty say it had made her think about...fixing things herself. Not all of it, not even most of it; there was too much in her mind that was broken to expect that. No, what she wanted to see right now was whether she could help herself without Xavier.
She wanted to help herself. It always felt so strange to let someone else be in control of the contents of her head, especially when she couldn't follow it all.
Or remember it all.
She wasn't certain how much would be sensed by people outside, so, the shield. And since the shield was completed now...
...she turned away.
Her mind wasn't a house like Xavier described it should be. There weren't neat rooms or even messy rooms, no halls and stairs that led deeper into her mind. Logically deeper into her mind. No, her mind was a city. A world, if she hadn't put up the shields. It was desolate and twisted, ruins where shadows ran and where smoke damage was still evident. The earth was cracked and dry, and what little plants there were blossomed with flame instead of petals. It was ruin...but it was hers.
She didn't know where to start.
She didn't know at all.
Belatedly it occurred to her that this was why she needed Xavier. He knew things she didn't. He knew...he could...
...the ground by her feet crumbled a slight bit further, going from stone to sand that sucked around her ankles. There were slivers of glass and twisted metal deep in the morass that bit and scratched at her as she sunk. It was surprising, and painful, and she had no idea how Xavier would...
...how Xavier would...
...the sand tilted, swallowing her further, a great dune rising above her to block her view of the mental scape. Whatever Xavier could do, would do...she didn't drop her shields and call him. She couldn't. She had nightmares, thoughts, dreams that could eat her alive if she let them. She had them everyday and managed to live. This?
This was nothing.
She grit her teeth against a mental snarl and dug her hands into the yielding ground until they got on something. It was a sharp, bitter edge under the sand but it was one she knew....determination. It felt like metal bound to volcanic glass against her hand, but it was solid, and with that touch she could feel how it underlay the entire area. A support structure built through years of surviving despite the odds. Above her the dune stopped rising as the panic halted, stray stones and dust filtered past her as she calmed herself.
It didn't matter where Xavier always started...
...she was going to start here and now. She was going to start with the parts she held in her hand and the sand around her feet, make something solid and unbreakable to base future work upon.
When she slipped back into her body, bruised and shaking from the mental stress, she did it with a smile. She hadn't reformed the desert or tackled the city...but when she'd left there had been a platform drifting above those new sand dunes. It was solid and cool in that heat...and no bigger than her bed.
It was a start.
And it was hers.
Of course, checking the shields was only a delay. Time never moved right here, or for her in general, but she didn't have much of it. Kitty had given her an idea, saying something about telepaths being able to fix people's minds...
...she'd known that of course. It was something Xavier was working on their sessions, wandering through her mind. But having Kitty say it had made her think about...fixing things herself. Not all of it, not even most of it; there was too much in her mind that was broken to expect that. No, what she wanted to see right now was whether she could help herself without Xavier.
She wanted to help herself. It always felt so strange to let someone else be in control of the contents of her head, especially when she couldn't follow it all.
Or remember it all.
She wasn't certain how much would be sensed by people outside, so, the shield. And since the shield was completed now...
...she turned away.
Her mind wasn't a house like Xavier described it should be. There weren't neat rooms or even messy rooms, no halls and stairs that led deeper into her mind. Logically deeper into her mind. No, her mind was a city. A world, if she hadn't put up the shields. It was desolate and twisted, ruins where shadows ran and where smoke damage was still evident. The earth was cracked and dry, and what little plants there were blossomed with flame instead of petals. It was ruin...but it was hers.
She didn't know where to start.
She didn't know at all.
Belatedly it occurred to her that this was why she needed Xavier. He knew things she didn't. He knew...he could...
...the ground by her feet crumbled a slight bit further, going from stone to sand that sucked around her ankles. There were slivers of glass and twisted metal deep in the morass that bit and scratched at her as she sunk. It was surprising, and painful, and she had no idea how Xavier would...
...how Xavier would...
...the sand tilted, swallowing her further, a great dune rising above her to block her view of the mental scape. Whatever Xavier could do, would do...she didn't drop her shields and call him. She couldn't. She had nightmares, thoughts, dreams that could eat her alive if she let them. She had them everyday and managed to live. This?
This was nothing.
She grit her teeth against a mental snarl and dug her hands into the yielding ground until they got on something. It was a sharp, bitter edge under the sand but it was one she knew....determination. It felt like metal bound to volcanic glass against her hand, but it was solid, and with that touch she could feel how it underlay the entire area. A support structure built through years of surviving despite the odds. Above her the dune stopped rising as the panic halted, stray stones and dust filtered past her as she calmed herself.
It didn't matter where Xavier always started...
...she was going to start here and now. She was going to start with the parts she held in her hand and the sand around her feet, make something solid and unbreakable to base future work upon.
When she slipped back into her body, bruised and shaking from the mental stress, she did it with a smile. She hadn't reformed the desert or tackled the city...but when she'd left there had been a platform drifting above those new sand dunes. It was solid and cool in that heat...and no bigger than her bed.
It was a start.
And it was hers.