things change, and so have I...
well, a lot has happened, nothing particularly good. way to start out 2005. like I talked about in the post before, Chris hadn't called me for four days...after I spent the whole weekend with him. so, Wednesday night I called him, got his voicemail, and left a message saying I needed to talk to him...and to call me. well, I waited until 1AM, he didn't call..so I called him, left another voicemail basically reeming him a new ass. I told him how I felt used, and am tired of feeling like shit. well, he didn't call all day Thursday...and it began to get to me so much that I called him again, he answered, said he was playing pool...so I said I'd let him go. I laid down, to keep my mind off of things, and he called at about 10:30. I told him that he didn't care about me, he said I didn't know how he felt..and since he makes me feel like shit, we shouldn't talk anymore. he said he's not a phone person, and he'll never change for anyone but himself. to make a long story short, we decided not to talk anymore. period..nothing. after I got off the phone I was hysterical...and called Sarah crying. her parents are away in Florida, and her brother was having a party. I didn't know who else to call..so I called her, and she told me I could come spend the night. so, after my Mom telling me I "better not ever talk to that asshole again", I left and went over to her house. Sarah was drunk...but it kept my mind off of things a little more than sitting home. we went to bed at like 1, didn't fall asleep for a while because my mind was racing. had to wake up at 6AM to get a shower and leave for work. my eyes were so red and puffy when I woke up...the whole way driving to work I'd be fine..then I'd find myself tearing up. I honestly haven't felt so sad and alone in a long time. it's killing me that we're not even friends anymore. a part of me wants to give him a week or two, then call...and tell him I've thought things over, and I miss him, just as a friend. I mean, God knows..I love him, I love him as a boyfriend, I love him as a friend...I just love him. sometimes I feel like I'd feel better if I had just continued to do things as we were...instead of speaking up about them. I'd rather have him make me sad..than not have him at all, I know that's ridiculous..but it's true. I am just in such a dark place, and I feel like I have no one but Sarah and Kasey, which I really don't have anyone else to go to about it. I don't want to feel like the only one that cares...and I don't want to bother him if he doesn't want to talk to me. I just have this overwhelming feeling that I will never find someone out there that I clicked with more than him. I know that sounds crazy...but I think we fit so well...and it kills me to give up anything to do with him...even a friendship. I still have his incense that I bought him sitting on my computer table that he forgot...and I look at it, and it just makes me want to cry. it's like, unfinished business...and I just can't move on. things ended so terribly, and he told me to take care, and I just hung up on him. I wish I would have told him I loved him and that if he ever needed anything I'd be there. I just don't know what to do...so any advice you'd like to leave in the comments would be greatly appreciated...I'm at my wits end.
"I don't dream since I quit sleeping, and I haven't slept since I met you."