Play Ball!
The crack of the bat, the sound of mucus gliding through the air only to clang against the scorching blacktop and the taste of stale Cracker Jack nestled between your teeth can only mean one thing: run-on sentences...And that you've been temporarily distracted from that pigeon ten yards up on the bleachers attempting to shit directly onto your cranium.
Yes my friends, "The National Pastime" is fast approaching. But what does pastime mean anyway? And why doesn't it have two "t"s? Baseball is just the kind of game anyone deserves who has nothing better to do than try to pass his time. Did I just say his? I mean hers too, don't want to be sexist and pretend softball isn't a real sport. After all, if I may use an analogy, softball is to baseball as Ovaltine is to milk.
Observe:
The sport of Baseball is outrageously lengthy and to be generous, monotonous. If there were dramatic strike outs, home runs or bench-clearing brawls every inning, perhaps I could stomach it a bit better. But the fact is, 90% of the time it's the same boring predicament. Pitcher throws ball. Batter doesn't swing at ball. Repeat three more times until batter hits ball softly to third base, where he is thrown out. 90% of the time, people! 90, it's big fucking number, no?
And another thing I hate about baseball--there's a manager. What do they have to do with the game? They sit in the dugout like little kings, waving, scratching, gesturing, spitting. They immediately storm on the field to challenge a decision by an umpire even though no decision has ever changed in the hundred years the game has been played. When a manager storms out on the field, does he think this is going to be the first time? Why do they let them on the field at all?
Nowadays all I hear is how steroids are ruining the game of baseball, creating an unequal playing field that will forever tarnish the purity of "America's Game". It's so bad even Congress has to intervene! Typical American thinking for ya. People are getting paid $252 million to hit a ball with a bat, descendant of the stone-age tool, the club. $252 million! You, the fans, are paying for that $252 million dollar salary by buying tickets, merchandise and the $17 hotdogs.
Now, had I been spending $252 million dollars I sure as hell wouldn't want to feel ripped off. Yet you fans complain everytime the 252 million dollar man sticks a needle in his ass for your entertainment! If I'm spending that astronomical sum of money, I want to see that motherfucker hit 300 home runs a season. But unless he's as juiced as the Kool Aid mascot, it ain't gonna happen.
As far as Congress is concerned, I would like to call on them to pass two laws. The first would provide that there would be no overlapping of professional sports. Baseball, being a spring summer sport, would have to end before Football, a fall sport, began.
The second law would concern Congress itself. In the future, we'd be able to write to Congressmen (and women!) free of charge. It would cost them money to write to us. That's it. Congress should stop fidgeting with baseball and get back to the really important stuff. Like fighting taxes and terrorism as well as banning gay marriages and...fat people. Not for their health but for mine! Lord knows my retinas water up with grease just thinking about the ungodly amount of Americans that resemble The Michelin Man.
So keep scarfing down those $17 hotdogs, baseball fans, and ask yourselves: Are you watching the game to see home runs and strike outs, or are you watching the game to view groundouts and walks?
While you ponder that, remember to avoid the pigeon shit up above. Wouldn't want any unnecessary condiments ruining such an expensive slab of processed meat.
Thanks for reading.
Yes my friends, "The National Pastime" is fast approaching. But what does pastime mean anyway? And why doesn't it have two "t"s? Baseball is just the kind of game anyone deserves who has nothing better to do than try to pass his time. Did I just say his? I mean hers too, don't want to be sexist and pretend softball isn't a real sport. After all, if I may use an analogy, softball is to baseball as Ovaltine is to milk.
Observe:
The sport of Baseball is outrageously lengthy and to be generous, monotonous. If there were dramatic strike outs, home runs or bench-clearing brawls every inning, perhaps I could stomach it a bit better. But the fact is, 90% of the time it's the same boring predicament. Pitcher throws ball. Batter doesn't swing at ball. Repeat three more times until batter hits ball softly to third base, where he is thrown out. 90% of the time, people! 90, it's big fucking number, no?
And another thing I hate about baseball--there's a manager. What do they have to do with the game? They sit in the dugout like little kings, waving, scratching, gesturing, spitting. They immediately storm on the field to challenge a decision by an umpire even though no decision has ever changed in the hundred years the game has been played. When a manager storms out on the field, does he think this is going to be the first time? Why do they let them on the field at all?
Nowadays all I hear is how steroids are ruining the game of baseball, creating an unequal playing field that will forever tarnish the purity of "America's Game". It's so bad even Congress has to intervene! Typical American thinking for ya. People are getting paid $252 million to hit a ball with a bat, descendant of the stone-age tool, the club. $252 million! You, the fans, are paying for that $252 million dollar salary by buying tickets, merchandise and the $17 hotdogs.
Now, had I been spending $252 million dollars I sure as hell wouldn't want to feel ripped off. Yet you fans complain everytime the 252 million dollar man sticks a needle in his ass for your entertainment! If I'm spending that astronomical sum of money, I want to see that motherfucker hit 300 home runs a season. But unless he's as juiced as the Kool Aid mascot, it ain't gonna happen.
As far as Congress is concerned, I would like to call on them to pass two laws. The first would provide that there would be no overlapping of professional sports. Baseball, being a spring summer sport, would have to end before Football, a fall sport, began.
The second law would concern Congress itself. In the future, we'd be able to write to Congressmen (and women!) free of charge. It would cost them money to write to us. That's it. Congress should stop fidgeting with baseball and get back to the really important stuff. Like fighting taxes and terrorism as well as banning gay marriages and...fat people. Not for their health but for mine! Lord knows my retinas water up with grease just thinking about the ungodly amount of Americans that resemble The Michelin Man.
So keep scarfing down those $17 hotdogs, baseball fans, and ask yourselves: Are you watching the game to see home runs and strike outs, or are you watching the game to view groundouts and walks?
While you ponder that, remember to avoid the pigeon shit up above. Wouldn't want any unnecessary condiments ruining such an expensive slab of processed meat.
Thanks for reading.