My heart and my mind are open
~.: I really think I'm beginning to shift into a phase of healing. For the first time since April, I saw my brother in a dream. It pretty much speaks for itself, but the main part of it featured a play that Mikey was starring in. He played a character who died at the end. When the play ended, and his character died, Mikey disappeared. There was another part of the dream, during his rehearsal of his lines, where I kept calling out his name and he kept looking at me weird, not saying anything. Finally, I told him that I kept saying his name because I wanted him to respond. This is something I've actually done in real life. I have to say his name now and then to remind myself he was real, and maybe to pretend I may even get a response.
~.: The dream was bittersweet. I woke up feeling relieved and happy to have finally seen him in a dream, but sad, because of the nature of the dream, and of the nature of my reality. That same day I had a fantastic session with my grief counselor, who is really helping me to understand some things about myself and my grieving process. Since the dream though, I've really felt that maybe, just maybe, Mikey hasn't stopped existing. He's just existing somewhere else, and maybe he can break through to here sometimes.
~.: I've heard that tarot can be used to communicate with those who've passed on. With my new deck, I decided to give it a whirl. While shuffling, I just kept him in mind, and held on to the feeling of closeness that I initially felt when I had my dream, and passively thought how, if my brother were to be represented by any card, it would have to be the Fool. The Fool, who goes where he wants and does what he wants, and is easily swayed by his own whims. He's kind-hearted and compassionate, and maybe even a bit of a romantic. This is Mikey. I thought this briefly, then returned to thinking about him, as a person. While putting my shuffled deck back together, a card fell out, so I set it aside to flip over after my reading. The cards were mostly swords and pentacles, and told me that I was killing myself with my own mind, thinking too much on things, and craving more than what was necessary. They told me that I needed to be aware of what I already had, and realize that it was more than enough to be satisfied with, and that I should also hold to a figure who had recently come into my life, who was helping me to gather the broken pieces of my life. They told me I felt my life sucked, and that I didn't want to be satisfied by the things I knew should fulfill me. All these things I know, of course. My reading didn't surprise me, but I was slightly disappointed not to have seen Mikey anywhere in those cards.
~.: So I turned to the one that had fallen out during my shuffling. It was the Fool.
~.: I think he may be here, somehow, in some way. I need to stop fighting myself and my feelings, and allow myself to not only be more like the Fool and more like Mikey, but also to allow those things and people around me to be enough for now, because they're all I've got, and really, they're all I need. Mikey is telling me exactly what he would have told me otherwise: don't worry. Things are gonna be okay. He loves me, and that makes it all okay.
~.: I miss him, and more and more my anger is turning into plain old sadness, which hurts like hell, but its more manageable than the overwhelming anger I've felt. I want to hold him, to laugh with him, or at him, or both. I want to talk about his stories and Glee and his music.
~.: I miss him. If I could go back to that dream and stay there forever, I would. We were the only ones there, but it was happier than real life, even if I knew I was going to lose him in the end. For that brief time, I had him again.
~.: I don't know how anyone gets through this.
~.: The dream was bittersweet. I woke up feeling relieved and happy to have finally seen him in a dream, but sad, because of the nature of the dream, and of the nature of my reality. That same day I had a fantastic session with my grief counselor, who is really helping me to understand some things about myself and my grieving process. Since the dream though, I've really felt that maybe, just maybe, Mikey hasn't stopped existing. He's just existing somewhere else, and maybe he can break through to here sometimes.
~.: I've heard that tarot can be used to communicate with those who've passed on. With my new deck, I decided to give it a whirl. While shuffling, I just kept him in mind, and held on to the feeling of closeness that I initially felt when I had my dream, and passively thought how, if my brother were to be represented by any card, it would have to be the Fool. The Fool, who goes where he wants and does what he wants, and is easily swayed by his own whims. He's kind-hearted and compassionate, and maybe even a bit of a romantic. This is Mikey. I thought this briefly, then returned to thinking about him, as a person. While putting my shuffled deck back together, a card fell out, so I set it aside to flip over after my reading. The cards were mostly swords and pentacles, and told me that I was killing myself with my own mind, thinking too much on things, and craving more than what was necessary. They told me that I needed to be aware of what I already had, and realize that it was more than enough to be satisfied with, and that I should also hold to a figure who had recently come into my life, who was helping me to gather the broken pieces of my life. They told me I felt my life sucked, and that I didn't want to be satisfied by the things I knew should fulfill me. All these things I know, of course. My reading didn't surprise me, but I was slightly disappointed not to have seen Mikey anywhere in those cards.
~.: So I turned to the one that had fallen out during my shuffling. It was the Fool.
~.: I think he may be here, somehow, in some way. I need to stop fighting myself and my feelings, and allow myself to not only be more like the Fool and more like Mikey, but also to allow those things and people around me to be enough for now, because they're all I've got, and really, they're all I need. Mikey is telling me exactly what he would have told me otherwise: don't worry. Things are gonna be okay. He loves me, and that makes it all okay.
~.: I miss him, and more and more my anger is turning into plain old sadness, which hurts like hell, but its more manageable than the overwhelming anger I've felt. I want to hold him, to laugh with him, or at him, or both. I want to talk about his stories and Glee and his music.
~.: I miss him. If I could go back to that dream and stay there forever, I would. We were the only ones there, but it was happier than real life, even if I knew I was going to lose him in the end. For that brief time, I had him again.
~.: I don't know how anyone gets through this.