Mother Nature, you are a bitch. D
~.: Today is Layne's birthday and alas, I am bitchy and irritable and in no mood to be doing anything or talking with anyone. My period started today, which left me cramped and exhausted, and irritable as anything. I feel ugly, and even moreso after yesterday's watching True Blood with Michael, during which we established how much hotter, apparently, certain actresses are than I am. Which I shouldn't be nearly as bothered by as I am. I mean, they're actresses, and probably photoshopped to some extent anyway. But it was just the involuntary and extreme nature of his reaction that has me upset. Why don't I ever give that reaction? Am I really so hideous that I can't just be a turn-on by walking into the room? I don't know; it's really all I can think about. My boyfriend thinks I'm ugly. Or at least uglier than supermodels. Call it an extreme wish, but I want my boyfriend to be able to notice and acknowledge the aesthetic benefit to the world that beautiful people bring, but I don't want him to be attracted to them. You can totally appreciate someone being attractive without being attracted to them.
~.: I don't know what it is about my self-esteem that constantly makes me think that I am nothing but unattractive when I'm with a boyfriend. And this time, it's nothing he has (consciously) done. I just, I don't know, I find Michael to be very attractive, and feel like he could pretty much have any girl he wanted. I feel that I am only of average attractiveness and therefore have much more limited choices, and when I happen to snag a winner like Michael, it just makes me all sorts of insecure to know that he notices people who are more attractive than I am, especially when those people happen to be on what I feel is his same level of attractiveness. I just don't want him to be unhappy with any part of me; I don't want to leave him wanting. I don't want him to think "I wish my girlfriend was more understanding, more supportive, more this, more that, more attractive." I want to fill every need. I don't want him to see another girl and think, "wow, I wish I was with that right now. All I had to do was catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye and I'm ready to go."
~.: People are all beautiful, sure, but sometimes I wish we were all the same so comparison didn't hurt so much. Like, I don't mind that he notices other girls. I notice other guys all the time, and while I may jokingly comment on what I'd like to do with and to them, in the end it's just a joke. I don't want anyone else but Michael. I'm perfectly happy with what I have. But when I hear a comment like "Yeah, I'd definitely leave you for her" in regards to an actress, and his seriousness and sarcasm sound exactly alike, it's hard for me to have any good feeling about the comment. And then when the comment is followed up by more on his general love of redheads, and all of this other stuff that I am clearly not, I just get stung. I know at the end of the day he wants me and is with me, but I can't help it feeling like some part of him wishes I was more.
~.: I don't know, I just generally feel ugly and horrible today. I'm going to be surrounded by all my attractive friends who dress nice and have funny personalities and know how to do their hair and makeup, and I'll just be the plain tiny girl who can't be bothered to spend more than 20 seconds on her hair and won't buy makeup from any place more expensive than Walgreens, and who has a very attractive boyfriend whose body reacts more readily to supermodels than to me.
~.: I really wish I had time for a cry and to talk with him in depth about this. But today, like every other day of my life, is filled to the brim with working and constantly being with people.
~.: I don't know what it is about my self-esteem that constantly makes me think that I am nothing but unattractive when I'm with a boyfriend. And this time, it's nothing he has (consciously) done. I just, I don't know, I find Michael to be very attractive, and feel like he could pretty much have any girl he wanted. I feel that I am only of average attractiveness and therefore have much more limited choices, and when I happen to snag a winner like Michael, it just makes me all sorts of insecure to know that he notices people who are more attractive than I am, especially when those people happen to be on what I feel is his same level of attractiveness. I just don't want him to be unhappy with any part of me; I don't want to leave him wanting. I don't want him to think "I wish my girlfriend was more understanding, more supportive, more this, more that, more attractive." I want to fill every need. I don't want him to see another girl and think, "wow, I wish I was with that right now. All I had to do was catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye and I'm ready to go."
~.: People are all beautiful, sure, but sometimes I wish we were all the same so comparison didn't hurt so much. Like, I don't mind that he notices other girls. I notice other guys all the time, and while I may jokingly comment on what I'd like to do with and to them, in the end it's just a joke. I don't want anyone else but Michael. I'm perfectly happy with what I have. But when I hear a comment like "Yeah, I'd definitely leave you for her" in regards to an actress, and his seriousness and sarcasm sound exactly alike, it's hard for me to have any good feeling about the comment. And then when the comment is followed up by more on his general love of redheads, and all of this other stuff that I am clearly not, I just get stung. I know at the end of the day he wants me and is with me, but I can't help it feeling like some part of him wishes I was more.
~.: I don't know, I just generally feel ugly and horrible today. I'm going to be surrounded by all my attractive friends who dress nice and have funny personalities and know how to do their hair and makeup, and I'll just be the plain tiny girl who can't be bothered to spend more than 20 seconds on her hair and won't buy makeup from any place more expensive than Walgreens, and who has a very attractive boyfriend whose body reacts more readily to supermodels than to me.
~.: I really wish I had time for a cry and to talk with him in depth about this. But today, like every other day of my life, is filled to the brim with working and constantly being with people.