This will be a little graphic -- sorry, I've got a lot of rage and sad.
~.: Oh, hi there, internet. Didn't see you there; been too busy with serious real life crap to update. I feel like it might be time to though, so here's what's been going on in my life since the last time we talked.
~.: Reading over my last actual entry that had any depth to it just makes me angry. Going through all my tags, I realize the only entry that I tagged Mikey in was a bitch post. I'm mad that my last post was about Billy and not Mikey, and how much I love Billy with minor mention of my love for Mikey. I don't feel like I need to say exactly why I feel this way, because I think most of my friends list already got the information from Facebook. I'm actually too afraid to put it into words because it'll feel like ripping a scab off a wound that'll never fully heal. Though, at the same time, I have enough rage to allude to what happened.
~.: When my mom was young, she dated a man who hardly counts as a human being for all the horrible things he'd done to her. As I understand it, he abused her every way possible then, just as he did when he forced himself into her, mine, and my brother's lives again some 12 or something years later. This man raped my mother, molested me, and beat my brothers. He sold drugs in our basement, and smoked them in his bedroom. He called my mother a cunt and me a two-faced little bitch. I remember vividly the day he wrestled my mom to the floor during a fight, pinned her, and stopped me from calling the police, and I kick myself every time I remember it because I remember being too terrified to call the police. The police wouldn't have done anything anyway. I would've gotten sworn at, probably smacked, furniture would have been thrown for sure, and then, once a police report was taken and things mellowed out for a bit, they would have gone back to life as usual. Because that's what happened when something actually was done. When CPS got called after Mike asked if he could go down on me. I got to sit in the social worker's office and listen to the bastard lie through his teeth and make me continually question my memory, even to this day. I got a fancy new counselor who made me color pictures. And then life went on as usual. And then, at some point, my we ended up at my uncle's house, and it was from there that my dad came and got me one day and drove me down to Virginia with all my things and my cat. And I left my mom and my brothers behind and felt guilty because who was going to take care of them? Certainly my mom couldn't take care of herself, let alone my brothers.
~.: I remember my mom calling me one day and telling me that she was finally able to get a restraining order against Mike because an undercover cop saw him grab her by the throat in a parking lot. I remember the gradual realization that my mom was a drug addict, I remember every disappointing phone call that let me know that nothing had changed, that she was still living in horrible conditions, still using drugs, still not taking care of my brothers, still unable to come see me.
~.: There is a point to all this. I'd somehow managed to forgive all of this. Well, most of it. I could forgive what he'd done to me, but no matter how hard I try (and God knows I've tried), I could not completely forgive what he'd done to my mom and brothers. I could not forgive him for making me feel so helpless that I couldn't save them or protect them or fix everything for them.
~.: On April 23, I learned I will never forgive him ever again for anything he does, or has done, because he doesn't deserve it. The bastard was illegally living with my brother, was illegally left alone with him, and, doped up as usual, passed out with a cigarette in his hand. The trailer they were living in caught fire, the bastard dragged his sorry ass out, and he never went back in for my brother, and my brother was killed. That man killed my brother. He is a rapist, a drug dealer, an abuser of people, and a murderer. At first all I could think of was my own hurt, and how much he must be hurting because Mikey was his only son. Now I just don't care. Everything he's feeling he deserves. He did it to himself. Every poor life decision he made led up to this point, and culminated in the death of one of the most fantastic human beings that has ever lived. A 16 year old boy who had scholarships to music schools and played piano in cafes in Montreal and made everyone at his school feel loved and worthwhile, and made his big sister so proud she could burst is gone because a horrible human being I'd deemed potentially forgivable murdered him.
~.: I was thinking about him a lot today. He popped into my mind on my way home from work and I just felt so empty. I miss him. He was so innocent, he was so good, and now he's just .... gone. Unless you've lost someone as close as a close family member, one you consider a friend, then you can't understand the aching void that gets left behind in their wake. It's like a black hole that all happiness gets sucked into. My universe is off-balance and my heart aches every single day. I can't even imagine watching Glee now. I've watched all the episodes that he'd watched, and I'm scared to watch any further. Who will I talk to about them? Who is going to message me on Facebook about some ridiculous thing of Kurt's that he wants because Kurt's character is his idol? I just want my brother back. I want him to text me or call me or respond to my messages on Facebook. I want to hold him so bad it's ridiculous. I want to hear his laugh and see his goofy smile and have him tease me about how short I am, because he was so tall. I want to not have to talk about him in the past tense. I want my three brothers, not my two brothers. My family and my life are incomplete. Who will go with me to see Skillet when I go to my mom's for Kingdom Bound? It's just not right or fair. I hate it so much. I don't know what to do about it. I'm looking into grief counseling but it's just so hard to work the finances of it. I have a lot of feelings that I'm refusing to acknowledge or even feel because I don't want any part of them. They're unpleasant, they're confusing, and I don't want to deal with them right now. I don't know how to, so I push them away until a more convenient time when I can give them the attention they deserve, but then, when it's convenient, it's too hard. The only time I really let myself feel it is when I'm alone. I don't want to be alone when I feel these things, just so I can have the support, but I feel selfish and awkward when someone is around me and I'm breaking down about it. My friends, bless them, are all so helpful, or at least they try to be, but every nice thing that anyone has to say, including family, is just not helpful. I don't want to hear about how my brother is in a better place, I don't want to hear about how he's playing piano for God, I don't want to hear about the reasons behind this because "everything has a reason". I just want someone to be angry with me, I want someone to tell me how to make it better. I want someone to tell me, "if you do this, then the pain will go away." I want someone to tell me how I can avenge him. It's easy for me to see how Layne's mom is in a better place, because she was suffering so much, and it was a relief to see her finally be at peace. I can see God in that. But when it comes to my brother, I feel like God doesn't exist. I feel like He completely stepped away from the thread of my brother's life and took a vacation. My brother is not anywhere. I don't "feel his spirit" and I feel no comfort in pretending some loving deity is now watching him closely. He should've been doing that when my brother was burning to death. And that makes it harder. It's not that my brother has "moved on" or was "taken from this world to the next." In one moment, he no longer existed. My brother Mikey no longer exists. And that is why I hurt so much. All of his accomplishments, all the love he shared, I feel like they don't mean anything. Without him here, I don't care about any of that. I just want him back.
~.: In other news, I learned just how bitchy the girls I live with are. Michael had come over Wednesday night after he moved his stuff out of his room at school, and stayed at my house Wednesday and Thursday night. After I drove him back to campus on Friday night so he could go live in his car, I get an email from my landlord saying that someone told him my boyfriend had moved in and had been living here for free. Um. Excuse me? I texted Jenna and she told me that Randy had forwarded her an email from Rachel saying that Michael had been living here and wasn't paying rent. So I was being accused for violating my lease, when I'm already in so much trouble about it at the moment. I emailed Randy to let him know, but I'm still pretty pissed that first, there was an issue with me that wasn't addressed initially with me (and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate that), and second that she went behind my back and made some potentially very serious accusations about me when she hadn't even bothered to come to me to find out the situation. I've never done anything to her, I've been nothing but nice to everyone in this house. Seriously, I need to stop living with women. ><"
~.: On a more positive note, I think I may have found a temporary solution to some of my money troubles. I went to my bank today to apply for a personal loan that will allow me to pay all the rent I owe, plus rent for this month and June, will let me make my car payment, get my registration renewed and all of that, and will keep me able to sustain myself until my income becomes more stable. I'm seriously hoping I get approved for it, because it's my last resort, and my only good idea. I've exhausted all my other resources for real now (Dad, Mom, Gram). During the process of applying, I also learned that, because I work for TJX (which owns HomeGoods, TJMaxx, Marshalls, and AJ Wright), I qualify for a free upgraded checking account that protects me from having to pay for my checking account (PSA, all banks are making the switch to checking accounts with fees -- our economy sucks so much that checking accounts will no longer be free; just FYI) once SunTrust makes the switch over. I also get free identity theft protection, free interest on my checking account, and all sorts of other fancy perks. And, if I choose to quit HomeGoods, I get to keep it because of my other job -- all county employees get the same upgraded account. :D So some good has come to my life. It's just too bad that people and money pretty much suck.
~.: Anyway, I'm a little worn out from this entry. I think I'll go do something brainless like watch TV or crochet or read. Feel free to leave comments or whatever, and sorry for the somewhat graphic rage, and the sad. That's sort of my life. :/ -sigh-
~.: Reading over my last actual entry that had any depth to it just makes me angry. Going through all my tags, I realize the only entry that I tagged Mikey in was a bitch post. I'm mad that my last post was about Billy and not Mikey, and how much I love Billy with minor mention of my love for Mikey. I don't feel like I need to say exactly why I feel this way, because I think most of my friends list already got the information from Facebook. I'm actually too afraid to put it into words because it'll feel like ripping a scab off a wound that'll never fully heal. Though, at the same time, I have enough rage to allude to what happened.
~.: When my mom was young, she dated a man who hardly counts as a human being for all the horrible things he'd done to her. As I understand it, he abused her every way possible then, just as he did when he forced himself into her, mine, and my brother's lives again some 12 or something years later. This man raped my mother, molested me, and beat my brothers. He sold drugs in our basement, and smoked them in his bedroom. He called my mother a cunt and me a two-faced little bitch. I remember vividly the day he wrestled my mom to the floor during a fight, pinned her, and stopped me from calling the police, and I kick myself every time I remember it because I remember being too terrified to call the police. The police wouldn't have done anything anyway. I would've gotten sworn at, probably smacked, furniture would have been thrown for sure, and then, once a police report was taken and things mellowed out for a bit, they would have gone back to life as usual. Because that's what happened when something actually was done. When CPS got called after Mike asked if he could go down on me. I got to sit in the social worker's office and listen to the bastard lie through his teeth and make me continually question my memory, even to this day. I got a fancy new counselor who made me color pictures. And then life went on as usual. And then, at some point, my we ended up at my uncle's house, and it was from there that my dad came and got me one day and drove me down to Virginia with all my things and my cat. And I left my mom and my brothers behind and felt guilty because who was going to take care of them? Certainly my mom couldn't take care of herself, let alone my brothers.
~.: I remember my mom calling me one day and telling me that she was finally able to get a restraining order against Mike because an undercover cop saw him grab her by the throat in a parking lot. I remember the gradual realization that my mom was a drug addict, I remember every disappointing phone call that let me know that nothing had changed, that she was still living in horrible conditions, still using drugs, still not taking care of my brothers, still unable to come see me.
~.: There is a point to all this. I'd somehow managed to forgive all of this. Well, most of it. I could forgive what he'd done to me, but no matter how hard I try (and God knows I've tried), I could not completely forgive what he'd done to my mom and brothers. I could not forgive him for making me feel so helpless that I couldn't save them or protect them or fix everything for them.
~.: On April 23, I learned I will never forgive him ever again for anything he does, or has done, because he doesn't deserve it. The bastard was illegally living with my brother, was illegally left alone with him, and, doped up as usual, passed out with a cigarette in his hand. The trailer they were living in caught fire, the bastard dragged his sorry ass out, and he never went back in for my brother, and my brother was killed. That man killed my brother. He is a rapist, a drug dealer, an abuser of people, and a murderer. At first all I could think of was my own hurt, and how much he must be hurting because Mikey was his only son. Now I just don't care. Everything he's feeling he deserves. He did it to himself. Every poor life decision he made led up to this point, and culminated in the death of one of the most fantastic human beings that has ever lived. A 16 year old boy who had scholarships to music schools and played piano in cafes in Montreal and made everyone at his school feel loved and worthwhile, and made his big sister so proud she could burst is gone because a horrible human being I'd deemed potentially forgivable murdered him.
~.: I was thinking about him a lot today. He popped into my mind on my way home from work and I just felt so empty. I miss him. He was so innocent, he was so good, and now he's just .... gone. Unless you've lost someone as close as a close family member, one you consider a friend, then you can't understand the aching void that gets left behind in their wake. It's like a black hole that all happiness gets sucked into. My universe is off-balance and my heart aches every single day. I can't even imagine watching Glee now. I've watched all the episodes that he'd watched, and I'm scared to watch any further. Who will I talk to about them? Who is going to message me on Facebook about some ridiculous thing of Kurt's that he wants because Kurt's character is his idol? I just want my brother back. I want him to text me or call me or respond to my messages on Facebook. I want to hold him so bad it's ridiculous. I want to hear his laugh and see his goofy smile and have him tease me about how short I am, because he was so tall. I want to not have to talk about him in the past tense. I want my three brothers, not my two brothers. My family and my life are incomplete. Who will go with me to see Skillet when I go to my mom's for Kingdom Bound? It's just not right or fair. I hate it so much. I don't know what to do about it. I'm looking into grief counseling but it's just so hard to work the finances of it. I have a lot of feelings that I'm refusing to acknowledge or even feel because I don't want any part of them. They're unpleasant, they're confusing, and I don't want to deal with them right now. I don't know how to, so I push them away until a more convenient time when I can give them the attention they deserve, but then, when it's convenient, it's too hard. The only time I really let myself feel it is when I'm alone. I don't want to be alone when I feel these things, just so I can have the support, but I feel selfish and awkward when someone is around me and I'm breaking down about it. My friends, bless them, are all so helpful, or at least they try to be, but every nice thing that anyone has to say, including family, is just not helpful. I don't want to hear about how my brother is in a better place, I don't want to hear about how he's playing piano for God, I don't want to hear about the reasons behind this because "everything has a reason". I just want someone to be angry with me, I want someone to tell me how to make it better. I want someone to tell me, "if you do this, then the pain will go away." I want someone to tell me how I can avenge him. It's easy for me to see how Layne's mom is in a better place, because she was suffering so much, and it was a relief to see her finally be at peace. I can see God in that. But when it comes to my brother, I feel like God doesn't exist. I feel like He completely stepped away from the thread of my brother's life and took a vacation. My brother is not anywhere. I don't "feel his spirit" and I feel no comfort in pretending some loving deity is now watching him closely. He should've been doing that when my brother was burning to death. And that makes it harder. It's not that my brother has "moved on" or was "taken from this world to the next." In one moment, he no longer existed. My brother Mikey no longer exists. And that is why I hurt so much. All of his accomplishments, all the love he shared, I feel like they don't mean anything. Without him here, I don't care about any of that. I just want him back.
~.: In other news, I learned just how bitchy the girls I live with are. Michael had come over Wednesday night after he moved his stuff out of his room at school, and stayed at my house Wednesday and Thursday night. After I drove him back to campus on Friday night so he could go live in his car, I get an email from my landlord saying that someone told him my boyfriend had moved in and had been living here for free. Um. Excuse me? I texted Jenna and she told me that Randy had forwarded her an email from Rachel saying that Michael had been living here and wasn't paying rent. So I was being accused for violating my lease, when I'm already in so much trouble about it at the moment. I emailed Randy to let him know, but I'm still pretty pissed that first, there was an issue with me that wasn't addressed initially with me (and anyone who knows me knows how much I hate that), and second that she went behind my back and made some potentially very serious accusations about me when she hadn't even bothered to come to me to find out the situation. I've never done anything to her, I've been nothing but nice to everyone in this house. Seriously, I need to stop living with women. ><"
~.: On a more positive note, I think I may have found a temporary solution to some of my money troubles. I went to my bank today to apply for a personal loan that will allow me to pay all the rent I owe, plus rent for this month and June, will let me make my car payment, get my registration renewed and all of that, and will keep me able to sustain myself until my income becomes more stable. I'm seriously hoping I get approved for it, because it's my last resort, and my only good idea. I've exhausted all my other resources for real now (Dad, Mom, Gram). During the process of applying, I also learned that, because I work for TJX (which owns HomeGoods, TJMaxx, Marshalls, and AJ Wright), I qualify for a free upgraded checking account that protects me from having to pay for my checking account (PSA, all banks are making the switch to checking accounts with fees -- our economy sucks so much that checking accounts will no longer be free; just FYI) once SunTrust makes the switch over. I also get free identity theft protection, free interest on my checking account, and all sorts of other fancy perks. And, if I choose to quit HomeGoods, I get to keep it because of my other job -- all county employees get the same upgraded account. :D So some good has come to my life. It's just too bad that people and money pretty much suck.
~.: Anyway, I'm a little worn out from this entry. I think I'll go do something brainless like watch TV or crochet or read. Feel free to leave comments or whatever, and sorry for the somewhat graphic rage, and the sad. That's sort of my life. :/ -sigh-