Too fast? Too slow?
~.: So, since Michael and I have been spending pretty much every weekend together for a little more than a month, and discussing exclusivity, naturally the topic of official-ness has come up. I'm trying to be cautious with this and avoid all the mistakes I made with Guille, but I'm wondering if I'm taking things too slowly and being too cautious? I mean, suddenly becoming Michael's girlfriend wouldn't really change much in how we hang out or what we do, but I think it would change my thinking, at least, regarding level of commitment, and the potential for my own heart to get hurt. I told him that at the least, I wanted to wait for him to come back from spring break, during which time he'd visit with his ex to determine how he felt and resolve any emotional issues that still lingered.
~.: I called him last night to discuss his visit with her, and he told me things that I'm both pleased with and surprisingly neutral on. He said that the truth is he wished she wasn't still as pretty as he remembered and that he wished he still didn't have feelings for her, but that there was no way things were going to pick up where they left off. I guess that, since he and I aren't dating, I'm okay with feeling not as jealous or heartbroken as I expected to feel at what he said, but I am happy to know that he likes me enough to want to pursue something, and that he really enjoys spending time with me and such. But I'm hesitant. I don't expect him to have absolutely zero feelings towards his ex, now or ever, because they have history, and they're still friends, and that's cool, I want that. But I suspect he might have stronger feelings for her than I might want in someone I'm dating. And I know it's okay to take things at my own pace (and there's none of the stress of taking things at my own pace as when I was dating Guille -- this feels natural and normal and I don't feel rushed or forced into doing things that I don't think are healthy or right for me). I just don't know what it means. I really like him, and I'm interested in pursuing something with an actual label with him, just ... not necessarily right now? Which he seems completely fine with. I keep reiterating to him that we're both freshly out of relationships (little more than a month for both of us), and that his was pretty serious, and that I don't want half a person's heart in a relationship. He says it wouldn't be the case, that his whole heart would be in a relationship, because that's how he is, and that's what he expects of the person he's in a relationship with, but still ... I'm cautious.
~.: I'm so scared of doing something reckless and turning this into another Guille situation. In all honesty, when it comes to Michael, I'm 100% content with how things are now (and he is too, but I know he likes the officialness, comfort, and safety of labels). I'm afraid I'm doing things too quickly, but I have nothing good to compare it to. If I compare it to my last two relationships, it's definitely healthier than anything I've experienced up to now, even with the timing of things. I'm just scared because I'm doing things in the same order that I did them with Guille? But my motives are different, and I'm more open and honest about them with both myself and Michael, whereas I wasn't entirely honest with either myself or Guille. Perhaps that's the difference? Michael knows I'm nervous, he knows that I like him and that I want to pursue something with him, but that the two are somewhat in opposition of one another.
~.: This is silly. 8D I'm arguing in circles with myself. But he asked me to be his girlfriend the other night, and I told him I don't want to decide just yet. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I mean by that. Is it the label I'm afraid of? Because that's just stupid. Labels don't change things -- it's the associations we have with those labels that change things. So what is my association with that label? All I honestly know of it is that, as a girlfriend, I was completely bound by my boyfriends' emotional states, and most recently, up and down with them, panicking over my inability to mind-read enough to be a "good girlfriend," to intuit his needs, to meet those needs, to do everything right. And I think that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want that with Michael (and it doesn't seem that that would ever be the case with him in any event, since he's one of the most open and honest guys I've ever met -- people don't just volunteer the sort of information he tells me; he sort of reminds me of myself in his honesty, which, I have to admit, I love~). Whatever it is that we have right now is so good, so comfortable, and right now, there are truly no expectations for either of us, so I don't have to stress about meeting them. It's a responsibility I don't think I want right now. I just want to continue to do what I want to do (and that sounds incredibly selfish, but I don't know any other way to phrase it -- it's not that I want to be ignorant of Michael's needs, I just don't want to be any more responsible for them than a friend would be), to be natural and myself around him, and if it so happens to meet the standards he has for a girlfriend, then I'll already know I'm capable of holding that status without freaking out, and I can accept it. I just wish I could know if what I'm doing is right or wrong or too fast or not fast enough, and it's impossible because there is no handbook for this. It's all about going with your gut. The good thing is that I don't feel compelled to just jump into things with him. I guess that probably has to do with the fact that I want more from him than sex -- I want something a little deeper and more meaningful to develop, and so I can be content to let it unfold.
~.: This is nice. It's like being in a relationship without all the drama of being in a relationship. Or maybe this is what relationships are supposed to be? This feels good; relationships are supposed to feel good. I don't know, I'm thinking too much about it. Stupid Virgo brain that I have. Stop it~~~~~
~.: I called him last night to discuss his visit with her, and he told me things that I'm both pleased with and surprisingly neutral on. He said that the truth is he wished she wasn't still as pretty as he remembered and that he wished he still didn't have feelings for her, but that there was no way things were going to pick up where they left off. I guess that, since he and I aren't dating, I'm okay with feeling not as jealous or heartbroken as I expected to feel at what he said, but I am happy to know that he likes me enough to want to pursue something, and that he really enjoys spending time with me and such. But I'm hesitant. I don't expect him to have absolutely zero feelings towards his ex, now or ever, because they have history, and they're still friends, and that's cool, I want that. But I suspect he might have stronger feelings for her than I might want in someone I'm dating. And I know it's okay to take things at my own pace (and there's none of the stress of taking things at my own pace as when I was dating Guille -- this feels natural and normal and I don't feel rushed or forced into doing things that I don't think are healthy or right for me). I just don't know what it means. I really like him, and I'm interested in pursuing something with an actual label with him, just ... not necessarily right now? Which he seems completely fine with. I keep reiterating to him that we're both freshly out of relationships (little more than a month for both of us), and that his was pretty serious, and that I don't want half a person's heart in a relationship. He says it wouldn't be the case, that his whole heart would be in a relationship, because that's how he is, and that's what he expects of the person he's in a relationship with, but still ... I'm cautious.
~.: I'm so scared of doing something reckless and turning this into another Guille situation. In all honesty, when it comes to Michael, I'm 100% content with how things are now (and he is too, but I know he likes the officialness, comfort, and safety of labels). I'm afraid I'm doing things too quickly, but I have nothing good to compare it to. If I compare it to my last two relationships, it's definitely healthier than anything I've experienced up to now, even with the timing of things. I'm just scared because I'm doing things in the same order that I did them with Guille? But my motives are different, and I'm more open and honest about them with both myself and Michael, whereas I wasn't entirely honest with either myself or Guille. Perhaps that's the difference? Michael knows I'm nervous, he knows that I like him and that I want to pursue something with him, but that the two are somewhat in opposition of one another.
~.: This is silly. 8D I'm arguing in circles with myself. But he asked me to be his girlfriend the other night, and I told him I don't want to decide just yet. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I mean by that. Is it the label I'm afraid of? Because that's just stupid. Labels don't change things -- it's the associations we have with those labels that change things. So what is my association with that label? All I honestly know of it is that, as a girlfriend, I was completely bound by my boyfriends' emotional states, and most recently, up and down with them, panicking over my inability to mind-read enough to be a "good girlfriend," to intuit his needs, to meet those needs, to do everything right. And I think that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want that with Michael (and it doesn't seem that that would ever be the case with him in any event, since he's one of the most open and honest guys I've ever met -- people don't just volunteer the sort of information he tells me; he sort of reminds me of myself in his honesty, which, I have to admit, I love~). Whatever it is that we have right now is so good, so comfortable, and right now, there are truly no expectations for either of us, so I don't have to stress about meeting them. It's a responsibility I don't think I want right now. I just want to continue to do what I want to do (and that sounds incredibly selfish, but I don't know any other way to phrase it -- it's not that I want to be ignorant of Michael's needs, I just don't want to be any more responsible for them than a friend would be), to be natural and myself around him, and if it so happens to meet the standards he has for a girlfriend, then I'll already know I'm capable of holding that status without freaking out, and I can accept it. I just wish I could know if what I'm doing is right or wrong or too fast or not fast enough, and it's impossible because there is no handbook for this. It's all about going with your gut. The good thing is that I don't feel compelled to just jump into things with him. I guess that probably has to do with the fact that I want more from him than sex -- I want something a little deeper and more meaningful to develop, and so I can be content to let it unfold.
~.: This is nice. It's like being in a relationship without all the drama of being in a relationship. Or maybe this is what relationships are supposed to be? This feels good; relationships are supposed to feel good. I don't know, I'm thinking too much about it. Stupid Virgo brain that I have. Stop it~~~~~