I hate this part the most
~.: I broke up with Guille. Cue post-breakup guilt and second thoughts. And of course he was as sweet as he ever was, telling me everything I wanted to hear months ago, and saying that in the past few days he's had an epiphany and understood everything he was doing wrong and everything that made me feel so guilty and nearly broke my resolve. But I held to it. I went through with it. And he agreed to be friends still. He told me he loves me (which I hate, but I'm fairly certain he doesn't mean in a romantic way -- he means in the Christian way), he told me we can still hang out, that he's not mad at me, and that he's praying for me, and wants all the best for me and hopes I can grow and all that jazz. Which made it so much harder to hold to what I was trying to do. This is when I wish he was a straight up asshole. Seriously.
~.: I'm going to be cautious about being friends with him. I probably won't even see him for a while. He can call me if he wants, but I'm not going to call him. I need to fill up my time as much as possible to keep from going to see him. If I do, I'm afraid I'll change my mind, and I can't do that right now. You know, who's to say that in the future, under better circumstances, we can't have a relationship that works? Maybe we'll get married and have ten million babies. It's a thought I entertain now only to make myself feel better, but in all seriousness I know that I need to stay away, give my heart some time to mend, give his heart some time to mend, and let us both get into the swing of being who we were before we started dating. Because honestly, he was a wonderful person at first. He was sweet, caring, open-minded, considerate of my experiences (and lack of them). He was a gentleman. Somewhere along the way, we both turned into people that just didn't mesh. I need to find that person I was before Guille, and I hope he can find that person he was before me. I'm not entirely innocent. I've said some mean things to him too, out of spite or fear or hurt. We were both wrong, and I won't sit here and try to determine who was more wrong. It is what it is, and it's over now, maybe forever, maybe not.
~.: Maybe I'll try to read some tonight, or watch House before bed.
~.: House actually sounds really good right now.
~.: I miss Layne. I wish I had the gas to drive to her house and snuggle with her and give her the hugs she needs and just have a warm body to sleep next to because I need it.
~.: In other news I have my first day of working at HomeGoods tomorrow. Wish me luck and stuff. :|
~.: I'm going to be cautious about being friends with him. I probably won't even see him for a while. He can call me if he wants, but I'm not going to call him. I need to fill up my time as much as possible to keep from going to see him. If I do, I'm afraid I'll change my mind, and I can't do that right now. You know, who's to say that in the future, under better circumstances, we can't have a relationship that works? Maybe we'll get married and have ten million babies. It's a thought I entertain now only to make myself feel better, but in all seriousness I know that I need to stay away, give my heart some time to mend, give his heart some time to mend, and let us both get into the swing of being who we were before we started dating. Because honestly, he was a wonderful person at first. He was sweet, caring, open-minded, considerate of my experiences (and lack of them). He was a gentleman. Somewhere along the way, we both turned into people that just didn't mesh. I need to find that person I was before Guille, and I hope he can find that person he was before me. I'm not entirely innocent. I've said some mean things to him too, out of spite or fear or hurt. We were both wrong, and I won't sit here and try to determine who was more wrong. It is what it is, and it's over now, maybe forever, maybe not.
~.: Maybe I'll try to read some tonight, or watch House before bed.
~.: House actually sounds really good right now.
~.: I miss Layne. I wish I had the gas to drive to her house and snuggle with her and give her the hugs she needs and just have a warm body to sleep next to because I need it.
~.: In other news I have my first day of working at HomeGoods tomorrow. Wish me luck and stuff. :|