Ugh, my life D:

[fushigi_na_chou]

~.: My LJ is turning out to be a bipolar ranting space. 8D At any rate, I don't really wanna talk about how depressed I am over my finances for the umpteenth time. I have no money, you all know it, life goes on sucking

Comments

[fushigi_na_chou]

I don't see why it's frightening, but I can understand it being frustrating, annoying, and even somewhat perplexing. This is what we've been talking about the most, recently, because this does keep coming up. I will agree and say he's in denial of the whole thing, probably and mostly because he doesn't want to think he'd ever hurt another person, especially not like that. But one thing I realize I need to learn before I can even expect him to understand is, in spite of having done this thing, he's not a bad person. I've been clinging to the notion of "He's not a bad person, therefore it couldn't have happened, I don't want it to have happened, and even though it did happen, I refuse to believe it has any bearing on who he is as a person." I'm trying to make myself think more like "It did happen, exactly as Jenna said it happened, it was a very bad thing, and obviously he is capable of trying to take advantage of another person, particularly women." There are so many other implications in there, stemming from just that, and even any "however" that may come from it. I'm slowly coming to grips with this, but I will probably continue to make my decisions in spite of this, because I believe whatever compulsion led to it, whatever thought or notion or belief about women or his right to certain things he may hold, it is a thing inhibited by his better nature. I trust him, not because I don't believe he's incapable of lying to me, but because I feel what he did came as much to his surprise as to anyone else's. I'm trying to come to terms with his actions by understanding that something in him encouraged it, wanted it, but no one knew it was there, not even him. When I can get my head around this fully, I believe I'll be able to help him to understand it too. It doesn't make him a bad person; it makes him human. We're all capable of hurting one another; we probably all have hurt another at some point in our lives, and I don't think some hurts are necessarily better or worse than others, just different. From what I've seen in him over the past five months, and from what I know of him, I know he's working to change that parts of him that may give in to the sorts of whims that hurt Jenna.

[windup_bird]

It's frightening because denial of an act can cause the repetition of said act. We've seen it happen over and over in history and the same is said about people's individual actions as well. He also cannot truly be working on those parts of himself if he denies they exist, which is essentially what he is doing if he's so staunchly denying what he did.

And there are differences in levels of hurt. There are actions that may hurt someone in a temporary way that does not leave them feeling threatened in anyway and then there are actions that actually threaten an individual's person. Anything that leaves someone feeling frightened, vulnerable, unable to remain in control of their body or themselves is definitely worse than some other wrongs people can commit. This does not make those bad actions good but there is definitely a scale on the wrongness of an act. To say there isn't is naive.

[fushigi_na_chou]

Okay, yes, now I see why it's frightening. I hadn't thought of that. Point taken.

And sorry, I think I totally excluded the point I was trying to make with all that. There are different levels of hurt, and depending on the victim, they are worse or less worse (I don't wanna say better, there really is no "better" hurt ^^;). But at the same time, hurt is hurt. It's all bad, and what Guille did is especially bad, but it doesn't make him any worse as a person for committing a crime. Yes, he may be in denial, and that makes the whole situation worse and far more complicated, but I don't find it surprising. If someone had accused me of the same thing, I'd probably be in just as much denial, and I'd be questioning my goodness as a person because of it. But maybe the why doesn't matter. Perhaps it was just some carnal flashback to our less inhibited ancestors. Alcohol completely separates the rest of a person's brain from the center of judgement that says "this is wrong," which, in and of itself, makes the situation all that much scarier now, I realize. But it doesn't matter. He did it, but I almost feel like the denial speaks to his better nature, which, I realize doesn't excuse him. Hurt is hurt, and it's still bad, it's still wrong.

Even now I'm struggling with trying to understand this. Everything I've just said has sounded perfectly plausible to me, and it makes sense, but then, for some reason, out comes "But he was drunk and the real crime was that he put himself in a position to compromise the safety of another person." To me, it's the same as a drunk driver killing another person in a car accident. Yes, getting behind the wheel drunk was bad, and yes the worse crime was killing a person, but they shouldn't have been that drunk. They should have made other arrangements. They should have prevented the whole thing. And that to me is what sticks out. The fact that he opened himself up to such compromise is what upsets me the most, because it actually resulted in someone getting hurt. Don't get me wrong, I'm upset he did what he did to Jenna, but really I just want to scream at him "Why would you ever get that drunk? Why would you do something that stupid? Because of your stupidity and your bad choices you went and actually violated someone." I don't know if that makes any sense, but that's as far as I've been able to bring my reasoning right now.

[windup_bird]

Well it sounds like you've come some way into accepting what he did as wrong so I'll commend you on that. I even mostly agree with you on it not necessarily making him a bad person. If I honestly believed that he was a horrible monster I, personally, would've urged Jenna to call the cops and would have ruined his life over it. Because it was bad enough that it could've warranted that, honestly, but I didn't feel that was necessary.

I also just wanted to say that anything I have said about this situation has not been out of malice or anger or hatred but out of concern for you. I'm just afraid of you being around someone that we know is capable of such a thing. I'm also afraid to be around him which is why I've chosen not to be; not because I actively hate him or anything like that.

[fushigi_na_chou]

No, I trust you, at least, of all people to never prejudge, or even post judge someone to be a horrible person. You and I are alike in that way -- we hardly ever think of people as inherently bad or evil. :) Tis why I love you. ♥

And I understand and genuinely appreciate the concern for my safety. Like I said, I really and truly feel that alcohol played a bigger role in encouraging him to just do as he pleased; sober, I feel he has as many inhibitions as any other good male friend we know, and genuinely cares enough about people to not want to consciously take advantage of them. As frustrated as I've been with him in the past, I've never once felt unsafe, and I still don't. But I don't expect anyone to just go on my word, because the truth of the situation is still raw, and it's pretty much the only thing anyone has to go on regarding judgement of him as a safe person.

I understand that this will take a very, very long time to clear up for everyone involved, if it ever does for Jenna at all. Guille may not be a bad person, but he did a bad thing, and I can understand that being more than difficult to overlook, especially since the bad thing involved taking advantage of someone.

I don't know that he and I can continue to keep bringing it up, because it's still so fresh that all it will result in is frustration from both of us; in any case, I want to be sure I can fully understand and accept the position I would present to him before asking him to accept it as well, so perhaps letting it be for the time being is best.