Ugh, my life D:

[fushigi_na_chou]

~.: My LJ is turning out to be a bipolar ranting space. 8D At any rate, I don't really wanna talk about how depressed I am over my finances for the umpteenth time. I have no money, you all know it, life goes on sucking

Comments

[kendobunny]

See, I have never believed that forgiveness entails trust. Saddam Hussein was a homicidal maniac to make other homicidal maniacs blush... and seriously, if you knew half the things about him that weren't released to the press, I don't think you would feel sorry for him either. If he got what he deserved, they still wouldn't be done torturing him yet. And someone who brutally rapes people, dips them inch by inch, alive, into acid vats, and video tapes it to watch later is not going to feel guilty if you leave him alone long enough.

People are responsible for their own actions at all times, and your beliefs about compassion and punishment deny the existence of sociopaths, psychopaths, and the existence of evil. Some people who do evil things will feel sorry for it (like Jeffery Dahmer), and others (like Ted Bundy or Josef Stalin) will feel proud of it. By instituting negative consequences for negative actions, the general run of people will behave in a socially acceptable manner. Take away consequences, and people will run amok.

At the risk of sounding cruel, what you're talking about doesn't even sound like forgiveness, but willful blindness and apathy. With Guille, he should be earning trust back, because he has not given anyone any reason to trust him. He has given ample reason to distrust him, and talking about how you've forgiven him is empty, because you don't seem to accept that he has done something that is wrong enough to take time to fix. To be perfectly frank, it seems you're loving the idea of being in a relationship and feeling loved rather than being even the slightest bit objective about any of it. You're with a guy who makes you miserable and who has been sexually violent with one of your friends. I'm more removed from the situation, so maybe I'm seeing things wrong, but I haven't heard a word from you about him making you even the tiniest bit happy until you're getting defensive. So... rather than doing the rational thing and making your life better, you're falling back on "forgiveness". There's forgiving, and there's being a doormat.

[fushigi_na_chou]

My issue with sociopaths and psychopaths, however, is that they actually have issues with their brains. Yes, they still do horrible things, and the negative consequence of that action should be to lock them away, but for safety. I don't believe people are genuinely evil, only that they can be sick (as in ill) enough to commit crimes that bad. There are causes behind a person's behavior, no matter how abhorrent, but I don't really know what my point is there, so.

And I have thought about my objectiveness (or rather, lack of it) regarding my own decisions on the matter. I've tried to change my thinking on it, I've tried a million different what if scenarios in my head -- what if it had been one of my closest friends, what if it had been my sister, what if it had been my child, and granted, my level of anger goes up with each hypothetical situation. And I'd probably break up with him in those instances, if only for the space it would allow me to think; but I feel as if I'd still come back to the conclusion I'm at now.

For some reason, I don't feel that same level of anger, and I feel like everyone is expecting me to somehow pull that anger out of my ass so that I'll do something sensible like break up with him. So, in light of that, I don't know what else to do but distance myself from him, because I'm not angry. I can't force myself to feel something I don't, and I don't feel comfortable acting without seeing the sense in it.

Aside from that, your points are all valid, and I have nothing more I can say about them.

[fushigi_na_chou]

Alright, so I judge the act to be bad. I always have. So now what do I do? I have no idea how to address it.

[fushigi_na_chou]

This is actually what I'm trying to do now. Somehow, talking to you at the same time is a little encouraging. You've always had a way of breaking things down so I can understand them.

[kendobunny]

That level of anger is why I truly can't grasp excusing it - she may not be your best friend, your sister, or your child, but she is that for someone else. I certainly am not on the 'all men are rapists' boat, but a sex crime is a sex crime. If she had drunkenly molested him, I'd be wondering why you were still living with her.

I don't think anyone is really expecting you to be angry, but I think everyone is expecting you to care. I think everyone is hoping that you're going to stop making excuses for him.

[fushigi_na_chou]

Actually, if she drunkenly molested him, I'd have no problem with that. So, there you have it. My thinking is wrong, and I know that.

I do care. I really do. Just ... maybe not as much as everyone else does, cuz if I did, then I'd be angrier, at least as angry as everyone else is. I guess. But it doesn't mean I don't care at all, or that I think what he did was okay. Again, I'm doing the most I feel comfortable doing by distancing myself from him. I'm sorry if that doesn't look like I care. But I can't sit here going back and forth between what everyone says I should do. I should break up with him, I should take a break with him, I should wait and see how it turns out, I should keep talking to him, I'm horrible if I don't try to work things out, I'm horrible if I do. These are all everyone else's opinions, and it's driving me crazy trying to appease everyone.

I'm sorry. I know everyone was/is trying to be helpful, and I'm sorry I asked for advice on the matter. It's just making me confused. I just need to figure out how to make up my own mind. :x

[hideincarnate]

I do care. I really do. Just ... maybe not as much as everyone else does, cuz if I did, then I'd be angrier, at least as angry as everyone else is. I guess. But it doesn't mean I don't care at all, or that I think what he did was okay. Again, I'm doing the most I feel comfortable doing by distancing myself from him. I'm sorry if that doesn't look like I care. But I can't sit here going back and forth between what everyone says I should do. I should break up with him, I should take a break with him, I should wait and see how it turns out, I should keep talking to him, I'm horrible if I don't try to work things out, I'm horrible if I do. These are all everyone else's opinions, and it's driving me crazy trying to appease everyone.

I'm sorry. I know everyone was/is trying to be helpful, and I'm sorry I asked for advice on the matter. It's just making me confused. I just need to figure out how to make up my own mind. :x

Don't try to appease everyone, Andrea. Yes, we are all trying to give you advice and we are all your friends and family. But it is up to you to filter through the advice and take the bits and pieces you can understand, can use, and implement them. But you can not appease us all - it's just impossible.

And I think that's all I can say on the matter. Everyone has offered up everything I would have said, or could have thought of - even more eloquently than I would have. It's all up to you now.

[windup_bird]

I'm glad somebody else is thinking the same thing I am. I'm always afraid that, being closer to the situation, my view is affected by a personal bias to how I'm seeing things or that my having a personal history with unwanted drunken molestation may also be affecting my bias. Basically - word, girl.