Rejection

[furelurse]

Rejection. It's probably my worst fear, yet my biggest reality. I've never been the popular kid, although like I said before, I always had lots of friends. I'm what you could call a blender, as I just kind of join a crowd and blend right in, going with the flow. It didn't always used to be that way, however. I can remember being in elementary school, pre-school even, and being one of the leaders of our little groups. Then, there was middle school. The age of 12 has to be one of the hardest and most psychologically trying ages ever. That year, I dealt with a lot of the same issues many 12 year olds do. My best friend since kindergarten changed schools, I was very awkward looking, and I tried out for the junior varsity cheerleading squad, only to be rejected from it, and at the same time ridiculed by other girls because of who I was. Rejection at that age is very tough, because that is when you develop your self-esteem and sense of self...when you are told you aren't good enough, you start to believe it. That year, I also developed my first real-life crush on a boy. I loved this boy more than anything in the world, I just KNEW we were meant to be together. After he came to my 13th birthday party and actually danced (*squeal*) with me, everyone told me they thought he liked me back. I found out the next day that he liked my cousin, because she was "so hot." Since that crush, I have had many others that all seem to follow the same pattern. Like boy, flirt with boy, think boy may like you back, find out boy only likes you as a friend. I always seem to be the girl that boys only want as a friend. That doesn't help the self-esteem either. You start to ask yourself all these questions, wondering what it is that's wrong with you. Is it the way I look? Why am I not pretty enough? Am I too fat? Is my hair too dark? Do I act too dorky? Am I too goody-goody? Why? Why? Over time I think my heart has become somewhat calloused. After being hurt that many times, the only thing you can do is harden your heart in order to protect yourself. I believe all of this has led up to why I am the way I am today. I'm scared to meet new people, I cling to the friends that I do have, I'm scared to do anything that might put me on the spot where I might embarrass myself, or get hurt. Like Margaret Cho said, "when you don't have self-esteem, you will hesitate to do anything in your life..." And that's so true. It's so much easier just to not do anything than to put yourself out there and come back scarred. I think to myself that I haven't really gone through anything any worse than most people do, and that I was extremely lucky to have a family that loves me as much as they do, so why exactly did I turn out this way? I believe (and this is the psychology coming out in me) that we are all born with certain temperaments, and the environments we are placed in shape our temperaments. Some people are born very strong-willed and independent, so when they get knocked down, it's not hard for them to get back up. Others may be born weaker, and unless they have very easy lives, will suffer from low self-esteem and low self-confidence because of the things that have taken place in their lives. Anyway. I guess all this is just to say that I hate where I am (psychologically) right now, but I don't really know how to fix it. It's really scary to put yourself out there and make changes when you've been rejected as many times as I have. I guess it's just going to take a lot of work and a lot of prayers, and a lot of love and support from my friends.

Thanks if you read all of this, I'm sorry it was so long, I just needed to vent for a little while. I hope you all don't think I'm psycho now, I'm really not, just sort of...bruised. I will be fine though, it's nothing that a little liquor and laughter can't take care of :)