(no subject)
Who wants to hear another sad entry? Anyone? hahah I feel a little bit better since the last time I posted. I hate feeling helpless and like there's nothing I can do to better the situation. I still love him. I still wanna be with him. My feelings will never change. It's gonna take me a very long time to get over this. Maybe I'll never get over it and in which case I'm gonna wanna die. I'm suppose to expect an e mail from him tonight. I'm not sure if I wanna read it or not. Considering I've already heard the wonderful news from "the source" and from his brother. At least I'm numb to all this pain. I should be able to take on whatever comes my way. Everyone says I'm strong and that I'll get over this. I kinda agree with them but at the same time if I was going to "get over this" I think I'd be smiling a lot more and not feeling like I wanna cry every second of the day. I can't look at babies the same anymore. Cuz when I look at them it just reminds me of what I'll never have with him and what he's going to have with someone else who doesn't deserve him. I don't think he's going to be happy in that whole situation but he has to make it work because of his culture and tradition. If they get married that will be the worst day of my life. She's gonna have someone who doesn't love her and is only in it for the child. That makes me SO MAD! He could still be there for the child and be a good father and yet still have his life and be happy and be with the one he wants to be with. People do it and they make it work. I just wish he would realize that and know that it'd be ok. But everyone is different so I can't really expect anything else. I could really use some cheering up. I wanna be happy again. I want to feel alive and like I'm wanted. I don't think anyone will make me feel anything again. I have found my soulmate and I had my true love but it was taken away from me and now I'm left with nothing. I'm still gonna go to CA with Grace and if he still wants to meet me then I will meet him. No one ever said we couldn't be friends. I just know I will cry at the end cuz I will have to leave him and go back to my non-existent life in WA. I still fully believe I belong to him and no one will ever change my mind of that. If I ever date a guy again he is going to have to be an ANGEL cuz John is the best guy in the world. How am I suppose to get over this? How can I move on when I'm still very much in love with him? My life isn't fair. I think I will forever have this pain in my heart and while I may move on and date other guys.....none of them will ever have my whole heart. My life now consists of sad songs and playing mind boring games and trying to do whatever I can to take my mind off of things. I'm going to apply for another job today after I go work out. I guess if I just overload myself with jobs and other hobbies and things I won't ever think about how much I'm hurting. Well I guess I should go and get started on my wonderful day. I love all my friends and I thank the ones who have been there for me and trying to help me get through this. You guys know who you are....Grace....Eddie...Brenda.....you guys are truly my best friends and I'm glad I have at least one good thing going in my life. To my prince, you'll always be my king of hearts just as I am your queen. I don't care what happens. I will always want to be with you. :( <3