I feel like someone fucked me up the eye sockets.

That is all.

Sometimes I think my pants are vibrating, but then I feel them and they're not, and I get disappointed.

I never thought I'd be one of those people, sitting around in a dimly-lit room, stuffing my face with sushi and commenting with pompous indifference on the fall of global markets.

helphelphelphelphelpHelpHelpHELPHELPHELPHE

New hobby:

Typing up the start of a sentence on Google (like "is my", "does my", "why does", "my girlfriend is") and marvelling at the most popular searches that pop up underneath.


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I've decided.

Women are horrible, spiteful, deceitful creatures. I'm fucking men now.

Applicants can forward their CVs to theplatypus@gmail.com.

Thank you.

So I'm sitting home watching CNN in the morning when all of a sudden, one of the bottom flashing headline things catches my attention.


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Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. Stagnant. ( Read more... )

I got run over by a bus on Saturday.

There are other, more grandiloquent ways of putting it, but the truth is I was run over by a bus. I'm okay. Just a little bruised. But I was run over by a bus on Saturday.

Further proof that God is a sadistic motherfucker who thinks the faces I make when I'm in pain are hilarious.

A few nights ago, my dad's home in Barranquilla got broken into. There were four dudes with guns. They barged into my dad's bedroom and tied him to a chair (my dad's a massive guy, and very strong). Then they went into each room in the house and gathered up my brothers and sisters, as well as my mom (she happened to be visiting for the holidays). ( Read more... )

Reason #65410824 I love youtube:

Random comments like this in the strangest places:
"i go that way , i am 13 girl and my brother is 14 our doctor is female. She alsways says how nice his $%!@ is and how nice my vagina is. I love . We get naked at the same time . She gets naked with us. If we have give a urine sample we give it in the same ( Read more... )