(no subject)
yeah so.........I guess it's been a few days...heres the updated:
So, instead of our lease being up at the beginning of april like i thought, turns out its up at the end of february instead....jesus, i swear its like someone up there is trying to shove me out of nova as hard as they can...fuck...I really don't want to leave yet...I feel like theres some things that I need to resolve before I move...I have no clue what the are, but it's like theres something inside me that feels I need to stay for a lil while longer before I run off. and yeah, I said run off. I feel like I'm running away from something, rather than running towards something. I feel like I'm being "run out town" so to speak, and I guess I know that's not really the case. If I really wanted to stay I guess I'd be trying harder to make it happen.
FUCK
still not quite how I feel about her yet...but I'm finding that every day its becoming easier and easier to be nice to her. well, nice isn't quite the word...its more like its easier to be around her and be somewhat comfortable. and today, it was so weird....she patted me on the back, and when she touched me I didn't feel a thing. Well, almost nothing. There were traces of regret, longing, hope....but I almost didn't even notice them. and I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about THAT. I mean sure, I want to get over everything, move on with my life...I dunno, I'm realizing that I'm a dweller, but only on the shitty aspects of my life, I never dwell on the good things. Now if I could only understand why.....someone once told me that I'm a 'cutter', metaphorically speaking of course..but like, in the way that a person will cut themselves cuz they want to feel that pain, I mentally cut myself by focusing on the negative, because I like feeling the pain...maybe because I feel like I still deserve it...i dunno...i just dont know...
ugh.....I'm trying to shake that personality trait, I really am.
Still don't really like seeing them together *mild chuckling* however its not as bad as it used to be. I'm still trying to decide if thats a good thing or not. and now, at the end of my day my thoughts tend to be more apathetic towards the whole situation than anything else, which is a huge step from the type of shit that was going through my head a few weeks ago. its like...when I think about it, instead of feeling bad, or pain, or whatever...Im more like "meh..bullshit happens...oh well" only problem is, i can't tell if its a step foward or a step backward. Is not caring a good thing or a bad thing? someone let me know, cuz I'm having some trouble figuring this one out...
*cough DENIAL cough* Sorry, excuse me....I think I had a little DENIAL caught in my throat. Gross.
another thing is, I dont really having anything else to say. its like, the whole reason i started the livejournal was to get shit outta my head and down onto something, (not to mention letting certain people know what i was thinking without actually having to tell them...that makes a pussy i know, but when u cant look someone in the face because u feel nothing but burning hatred for them...it makes it kinda difficult to talk about such things...oh, and that burning hatred is no longer there either...its kind of smoldered into a mild disdain more than anything else, and THAT i know is definitly a good thing.
uh huh.....
just great.....
now of course, one of the main reasons that im making such "progress" (if u wanna call it that) is cuz I have somewhat of a new interest of the female persuasion....which a lot of you are prolly shaking ur heads at, but its all good...cuz she lives in california, so theres no worries about me doing something incredibly stupid (for once)...that and shes still carrying her V card, and we all know how i feel about THAT ;) so i can basically satiate my instinct to try to find a new girlfriend, without actually GETTING new girlfriend. pretty smart huh?
but its cool, shes a great friend to talk to, and in the past couple weeks i've talked to her more on the phone than my last 2 girlfriends put together...(and yeah, i know thats really bad, but its not the worst thing ive done) but anyway, thats cool...she reminded me that I am one charming sonofagun..and not just in the whole in ur face hitting on every girl kind of bullshit way that im known for...the actual like making girls think im cute and all that jazz kind of charming..which is a quality that i forgot i had. and thats pretty cool.
oh yeah...and did I mention I'm a pimp?
aight well, im gonna go find something to get into..cuz now that im not so wracked by the situation anymore, i really dont have much to say...pretty pathetic huh? lol..im gonna start looking for good shit to inspire me
as always
to all my homies
stay true
So, instead of our lease being up at the beginning of april like i thought, turns out its up at the end of february instead....jesus, i swear its like someone up there is trying to shove me out of nova as hard as they can...fuck...I really don't want to leave yet...I feel like theres some things that I need to resolve before I move...I have no clue what the are, but it's like theres something inside me that feels I need to stay for a lil while longer before I run off. and yeah, I said run off. I feel like I'm running away from something, rather than running towards something. I feel like I'm being "run out town" so to speak, and I guess I know that's not really the case. If I really wanted to stay I guess I'd be trying harder to make it happen.
FUCK
still not quite how I feel about her yet...but I'm finding that every day its becoming easier and easier to be nice to her. well, nice isn't quite the word...its more like its easier to be around her and be somewhat comfortable. and today, it was so weird....she patted me on the back, and when she touched me I didn't feel a thing. Well, almost nothing. There were traces of regret, longing, hope....but I almost didn't even notice them. and I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about THAT. I mean sure, I want to get over everything, move on with my life...I dunno, I'm realizing that I'm a dweller, but only on the shitty aspects of my life, I never dwell on the good things. Now if I could only understand why.....someone once told me that I'm a 'cutter', metaphorically speaking of course..but like, in the way that a person will cut themselves cuz they want to feel that pain, I mentally cut myself by focusing on the negative, because I like feeling the pain...maybe because I feel like I still deserve it...i dunno...i just dont know...
ugh.....I'm trying to shake that personality trait, I really am.
Still don't really like seeing them together *mild chuckling* however its not as bad as it used to be. I'm still trying to decide if thats a good thing or not. and now, at the end of my day my thoughts tend to be more apathetic towards the whole situation than anything else, which is a huge step from the type of shit that was going through my head a few weeks ago. its like...when I think about it, instead of feeling bad, or pain, or whatever...Im more like "meh..bullshit happens...oh well" only problem is, i can't tell if its a step foward or a step backward. Is not caring a good thing or a bad thing? someone let me know, cuz I'm having some trouble figuring this one out...
*cough DENIAL cough* Sorry, excuse me....I think I had a little DENIAL caught in my throat. Gross.
another thing is, I dont really having anything else to say. its like, the whole reason i started the livejournal was to get shit outta my head and down onto something, (not to mention letting certain people know what i was thinking without actually having to tell them...that makes a pussy i know, but when u cant look someone in the face because u feel nothing but burning hatred for them...it makes it kinda difficult to talk about such things...oh, and that burning hatred is no longer there either...its kind of smoldered into a mild disdain more than anything else, and THAT i know is definitly a good thing.
uh huh.....
just great.....
now of course, one of the main reasons that im making such "progress" (if u wanna call it that) is cuz I have somewhat of a new interest of the female persuasion....which a lot of you are prolly shaking ur heads at, but its all good...cuz she lives in california, so theres no worries about me doing something incredibly stupid (for once)...that and shes still carrying her V card, and we all know how i feel about THAT ;) so i can basically satiate my instinct to try to find a new girlfriend, without actually GETTING new girlfriend. pretty smart huh?
but its cool, shes a great friend to talk to, and in the past couple weeks i've talked to her more on the phone than my last 2 girlfriends put together...(and yeah, i know thats really bad, but its not the worst thing ive done) but anyway, thats cool...she reminded me that I am one charming sonofagun..and not just in the whole in ur face hitting on every girl kind of bullshit way that im known for...the actual like making girls think im cute and all that jazz kind of charming..which is a quality that i forgot i had. and thats pretty cool.
oh yeah...and did I mention I'm a pimp?
aight well, im gonna go find something to get into..cuz now that im not so wracked by the situation anymore, i really dont have much to say...pretty pathetic huh? lol..im gonna start looking for good shit to inspire me
as always
to all my homies
stay true