"once there was a way to get back homeward..."
long time no update...
after writing like... 5 different entries, some of which were way too emo, others being fake and peppy, i've decided to just scrap them and start over!
i'm officially DONE WITH SPANISH! yes, the clouds are parting! the angels are singing! no more conjugations or trying not to read out loud with an italian accent. oh, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles. i also finished my last paper of the semester!
i am also done with speculative fiction! well, i still have the exam and i have to finish reading the fucking graphic novel (blah) but i don't have to sit through that class EVER AGAIN. did i skip my last class of this semester? YUP. bwahahaha.
needless to say, i'm not sad to end the classes from this semester. though i did become fond of the morons in my spanish class (hilaaaarious) and making fun of blah blah in psychology... but overall the classes this semester were pointless and i just don't give a fuck anymore.
sooooooo life is life right now. i've been incredibly useless and excited about going home. i haven't been able to function as of late becuase i can't think of what to do with myself. i feel like i'm vibrating from excitement yet i still feel sad about the fact that next year is going to be different. me and christine talked for like... 2 hours thursday night. yes, she was intoxicated when we started but it ended up being a really nice conversation. she told me that she loved me and she would really miss living with me next year and i was the best roommate ever... and that she wasn't just saying that.
it really did mean a lot to me and i feel bad that i never really got to know her better. i dunno... it's such a mixed bag of emotions. i mean, i'm actually going to MISS some of the crap from this year. well, i don't miss last semester at all, but this semester has been pretty big for me.
i just hate change...
i talked to kirsten friday night about being afriad that i would keep holding on to the people i loved after they had stopped holding on to me. i got this huge urge to cry and i just had to sit there and convince myself that it wasn't true. i just get this sinking feeling that i'm going to keep caring but they're just not. there's no real basis behind it anyways! i just hate that longing feeling of nostalgia that sort of aches and just makes me want to sit down and weep.
i'm afraid me and corey have drifted apart, i'm afraid anna and mel and i will drift apart, and i'm afraid that i've changed too much to relate to people effectively from my past. i mean, for the most part it's fine, but just seeing people at church and realizing that some of them still are obsessed about stuff that happened years ago and them assuming that i do too... it just... blah.
i have become the queen of run-on sentances. yay.
i just feel so restless. and like i'm on the edge of the precipice of change which terrifies me yet excites me. is it possible to do everything i want to do and not lose everyone i care about? i mean, how can i really stay in touch with my family if i go to work in some third world country? the prospect of isolation scares me horribly.
ANYWAY. everything isn't all doom and gloom in the land of krista. i swear. i just always get this way when some big change is happening. i'm still really excited about france, though i've become convinced kirsten is going to kill me by the end. we'll pretend that isn't true.
i have also become fairly cracked out and somehow accumulated over 4,000 songs on the ole itunes. i don't know what the hell my problem is. and it is a problem, believe me. 475 of these songs are beatles material (studio/live/bootlegs/interviews) and i fear my obsession is bad even for me. hell, at least it's something cooler than what i'm usually obsessed with. though it's sick. SICK.
the bad thing about listening to the beatles, classical music, and the other people i listen to is that i always feel like i will always suck at music and i should just give up and accept it. but, if i'm honest with myself, i don't even like singing for people that much (well, except for the beautiful and sonerous music i provide those around me with every day) and i really only learn songs because i get that "EEP YAY!!!" feeling in the pit of my stomach when i can play a song one of my heroes wrote. like i learned how to play cosmic dancer by t. rex (it's ridiculously easy... be not impressed) and i was very giddy.
on the subject of feeling inadequate, i also feel like i can't really write. i mean, i can write in my style but i feel like it's fairly simplistic and straightforward. i mean, i can write more "wooo what is going oooon" stuff but it's always depressing. i was thinking of posting a story i wrote, but i don't feel like exposing myself like that.
GAH i despise myself when i reread this shit. i am so fucking self-involved and obsessed with stupid crap. i just want to be normal... too bad i'm pretty sure "normal" doesn't exist at all.
geez, why don't i just title my journal: "ANGST CENTRAL: come here if you want to read massive amounts of bitching!" do i complain too much? i mainly just make observations, i think. maybe. possibly. not really.
i'm trying to like myself. i really am. i hope it's not so hard for other people...
after writing like... 5 different entries, some of which were way too emo, others being fake and peppy, i've decided to just scrap them and start over!
i'm officially DONE WITH SPANISH! yes, the clouds are parting! the angels are singing! no more conjugations or trying not to read out loud with an italian accent. oh, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles. i also finished my last paper of the semester!
i am also done with speculative fiction! well, i still have the exam and i have to finish reading the fucking graphic novel (blah) but i don't have to sit through that class EVER AGAIN. did i skip my last class of this semester? YUP. bwahahaha.
needless to say, i'm not sad to end the classes from this semester. though i did become fond of the morons in my spanish class (hilaaaarious) and making fun of blah blah in psychology... but overall the classes this semester were pointless and i just don't give a fuck anymore.
sooooooo life is life right now. i've been incredibly useless and excited about going home. i haven't been able to function as of late becuase i can't think of what to do with myself. i feel like i'm vibrating from excitement yet i still feel sad about the fact that next year is going to be different. me and christine talked for like... 2 hours thursday night. yes, she was intoxicated when we started but it ended up being a really nice conversation. she told me that she loved me and she would really miss living with me next year and i was the best roommate ever... and that she wasn't just saying that.
it really did mean a lot to me and i feel bad that i never really got to know her better. i dunno... it's such a mixed bag of emotions. i mean, i'm actually going to MISS some of the crap from this year. well, i don't miss last semester at all, but this semester has been pretty big for me.
i just hate change...
i talked to kirsten friday night about being afriad that i would keep holding on to the people i loved after they had stopped holding on to me. i got this huge urge to cry and i just had to sit there and convince myself that it wasn't true. i just get this sinking feeling that i'm going to keep caring but they're just not. there's no real basis behind it anyways! i just hate that longing feeling of nostalgia that sort of aches and just makes me want to sit down and weep.
i'm afraid me and corey have drifted apart, i'm afraid anna and mel and i will drift apart, and i'm afraid that i've changed too much to relate to people effectively from my past. i mean, for the most part it's fine, but just seeing people at church and realizing that some of them still are obsessed about stuff that happened years ago and them assuming that i do too... it just... blah.
i have become the queen of run-on sentances. yay.
i just feel so restless. and like i'm on the edge of the precipice of change which terrifies me yet excites me. is it possible to do everything i want to do and not lose everyone i care about? i mean, how can i really stay in touch with my family if i go to work in some third world country? the prospect of isolation scares me horribly.
ANYWAY. everything isn't all doom and gloom in the land of krista. i swear. i just always get this way when some big change is happening. i'm still really excited about france, though i've become convinced kirsten is going to kill me by the end. we'll pretend that isn't true.
i have also become fairly cracked out and somehow accumulated over 4,000 songs on the ole itunes. i don't know what the hell my problem is. and it is a problem, believe me. 475 of these songs are beatles material (studio/live/bootlegs/interviews) and i fear my obsession is bad even for me. hell, at least it's something cooler than what i'm usually obsessed with. though it's sick. SICK.
the bad thing about listening to the beatles, classical music, and the other people i listen to is that i always feel like i will always suck at music and i should just give up and accept it. but, if i'm honest with myself, i don't even like singing for people that much (well, except for the beautiful and sonerous music i provide those around me with every day) and i really only learn songs because i get that "EEP YAY!!!" feeling in the pit of my stomach when i can play a song one of my heroes wrote. like i learned how to play cosmic dancer by t. rex (it's ridiculously easy... be not impressed) and i was very giddy.
on the subject of feeling inadequate, i also feel like i can't really write. i mean, i can write in my style but i feel like it's fairly simplistic and straightforward. i mean, i can write more "wooo what is going oooon" stuff but it's always depressing. i was thinking of posting a story i wrote, but i don't feel like exposing myself like that.
GAH i despise myself when i reread this shit. i am so fucking self-involved and obsessed with stupid crap. i just want to be normal... too bad i'm pretty sure "normal" doesn't exist at all.
geez, why don't i just title my journal: "ANGST CENTRAL: come here if you want to read massive amounts of bitching!" do i complain too much? i mainly just make observations, i think. maybe. possibly. not really.
i'm trying to like myself. i really am. i hope it's not so hard for other people...