Seeking role model for avoiding awkward office encounters: could it be you?

[functionary]

Overly resentful office worker seeks mentor to provide tips and offer support in avoidance of office life-cycle related parties (and guilt). Let’s be honest: they are generally awkward for everybody, we all have too much to do, and forced-fun should end with high school graduation. Didn’t the forefathers of this great nation fight for freedom of assembly?

My goal: no more than one life-cycle event per quarter (current level is biweekly).

Please have demonstrated record of successful avoidance while maintaining collegial relationships. Serious applicants only.