See Spot Run. Run Spot Run.
This stu-thor cannot be 20 years old. I know nine year olds who write better than this. It's basic grammar, combining your short choppy sentences so they don't sound like a "See Spot Run" crossover.
I was thinking this author might be an ESL person, but ESL people's writing usually have mistakes that aren't able to picked up by word, such as mixing up "they're" and "there", or accidentally using one words that means the same thing, but the connotation is off... etc. (One of my best friends was an ESL student until very recently, and I used to proofread her homework.)
Aww... don't you just love these "Teh EIGHTH Homunculus!!!111one!!" fics? This one takes it even further. "Teh NINTH Homunculus!!!!eleventyone!!!"
Never mind that Vengeance is a synonym for Wrath... Hey, who needs Logic.
TITLE: Homunculi Target
SINNER AUTHOR'S NAME: meguhanu
NUMBER OF SPORKS IT TAKES TO KILL THIS SUE:
FULL NAME(with titles):
A 12 year old boy named Scott, Scotty
Vengeance (Scott's uncle)
SPECIES:
Scott - Homunculus/Alchemist
Vengeance - Homunculus/Alchemist (even more of an Anime!Wrath ripoff)
HAIR COLOR(with adjectives):
Scott - not mentioned
Vengeance - "long black hair tied in a high ponytail"
EYE COLOR(include adjectives):
Scott - not mentioned (poor kid, has no physical features mentioned, and he's the main character.)
Vengeance - Red
UNUSUAL MARKINGS:
Scott - He's a homunculus, so I'm guessing the Ouroborus tattoo somewhere on his body.
Vengeance - Same
POSSESSIONS:
Scott - A hobby. I'm serious. "Hating alchemists." (I see a bright future for this kid. Under florescent lights working in McDonalds.)
Vengeance - A house in central
ANNOYING ORIGIN:
Scott - The Gate, Central
Vengeance - The Gate, not mentioned
ANNOYING CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Where to begin... hm
Well, Scott lived with his uncle, who disappeared one night. Ed and Al come (about ...three hours later) and lie to him that his uncle has been arrested, when actually he's a homunculus. Then. for some reason, all the canon!Homunculi show up and try to take the boy through a whole bunch of tricks. Then his uncle appears as "Vengeance". Then, for some reason, Scott becomes(already was) a Homunculus and tries to Kill Ed and Al.
ANNOYING SPECIAL ABILITIES:
Scott and Vengeance can use "ancient spells" in conjuction with transmutation circles made from the ground up original(?) bodies of the other homunculi. (hmm... I don't think Anime!Wrath has an original body, Izumi gave it to the gate... and the others are pretty much decomposed. That must've been a hell of a vacation, looking for pre-homunculus skeletons.)Which in turn, kills the other homunculi in about 5 seconds, but Ed and Al can't kill even one.
Scott also seems to have amazing acting skills, since he was able to convince the reader her was human, even though it was written from his point of view.
OTHER ANNOYING TRAITS:
Vengeance calls Scott "Scotty".
Scott goes through about 5 personality changes in about an hour.
Scott's hobby is hating alchemists and glaring at them from the middle of the street. (This kid should seriously get some help.)
NOTES:
What seriously annoyed me was the "See Spot Run. Run Spot run." speech the author used throughout the story.
Yes, I sooo believe that you're 20.
The story starts out from Scott's POV, but in third person, and he's currently a perfectly normal human. Then in the end of the second chapter, all of a sudden the story switches to narrative 3rd person, and BOOM. Sloth reveals that Scott is a homunculus out to kill the Elrics. In the third chapter, it's also in narrative 3rd person, but for some unexplained reason, they kill all the other homunculi.
I'm having trouble figuring out what each chapter has to do with one another in plot.
In the first paragraph, it stated that Scott wanted revenge against Kimbley for his mother. Scott's revenge, Kimbley, his mother, and his human emotions are never mentioned again.
And since when does Alchemy involve chanting?
SAMPLE:
A 12 year old boy named Scott lived in Central with his uncle. His uncle never paid him any mind. He’d let Scott do whatever he wanted. Scott had a hobby. It was hating the State Alchemists. He’d stand out in the street and glare at any state alchemist that walked by. They really were the dogs of the military. They’d kill without a second thought. Just like a dog obeying their masters. (Most dogs don't exactly obey their masters, they just run around them and slobber over their faces. *stares at a State Alchemist* Dude, I can totally see him slobbering over anime!Pride's face. ) His mother had died by the hands of a State Alchemist. An alchemist who had a thing for explosives. (Gasp! Kimbley! And Kimbley never appears in the story again. )He’d swore he would get revenge for her one day. (As of now, I'm singing a mix of "See Spot Run" and "Three Blind Mice" in my head.)
-----------------------------------
Ed and Al gasped. “Hey hold on a second!” called Ed running after him until all the homunculi blocked his path. “Get the fuck out of my way!” he yelled while clapping his hands together. From the ground came a huge metal cage entrapping all the homunculi in it. Ed and Al ran after Scott.
Wrath smiled. “Stupid,” he said while slipping right out of the bars followed by Sloth. They opened the cage for the rest of the homunculi. Vengeance was about to go after them. “No,” said Sloth putting her hand on his shoulder. “It’s all going according to plan,” she answered. “What?” asked all the homunculi, including Envy who recovered quickly. “The kid is a homunculus,” she said. All the homunculi dropped their jaws (Because I can totally picture the homunculi acting that way.)
In the woods, Ed and AL were gaining on the kid. “Hey stop!” called Ed. “We won’t hurt you!” called Al. Scott paid no attention to them. He had his own plans. Good, they’re falling me. Come and catch me. Come into our trap.(The pre-school worksheet speak buuurns....) He put on an evil smile. Finally, he had reached his destination. It was Dante’s old house. Scott ran in and headed straight to the basement.
Ed and Al stopped in their tracks. “This is Dante’s house,” said Al. “Why would he run in there?” asked Ed. “We should find out, brother,” said Al.(Nah, don't bother. Ed asked a question like that for no reason.) “Yeah, let’s go,” Ed said. In they went. In side was all in ruins, unlike the last time they were there. All over the floor was dust, except for some footprints that seemed to lead to the basement. Ed and Al followed. “Stay alert,” Ed said to Al. “you too, brother,” said Al.
One they reached the basement, they were in a huge room. It was very clean, unlike the rest of the house. They saw Scott standing in the middle of the room. He was standing in what looked like a transmutation circle. Scott had an evil smile on his face. “Welcome,” he said. “What is this!” yelled Ed. Scott laughed to himself. “You fools! I can’t believe you actually followed me down here!” he said. “Answer his question!” yelled Al. “You still haven’t figured it out?” asked Scott. “Oh jeez, looks like I’ll have to tell you. This was all a set up. I am a homunculus. It was all planned out…by all of us,” he said pointing to the entrance of the room. There stood all the homunculi. “Oh shit! Al it looks like we’ve fallen into another trap,” said Ed.
“What are we going to do?” asked Al. “Looks like we have no choice but to fight,” answered Ed. They got into position. Back to back, ready to fight. “Ready. Steady. Go!” (She used the name of the Opening Theme in the story. What? Is she trying to convey the fact that there was background music during the fight? Ed: *transmutes a stereo*. Me: *head->desk*)yelled Ed. Then the fight began between the two famous Elric brothers and the Homunculi.
--------------------------------
“You really want to fight me?” asked Scott, running to strike Ed. “If I didn’t,” Ed started “I wouldn’t do this.” Ed had stabbed Scott right through the heart. Scott fell back with the staff still sticking out of his chest. Blood splattered over the transmutation circle and out of Scott’s open mouth. Then a bluish glow appeared. Ed was shocked. “What have I done?” (Well... according to two and a half lines ago, you "stabbed Scott right through the heart")he asked to himself. “Isn’t it obvious?” asked Scott. “You killed me,” said Scott before collapsing dead on the still glowing transmutation circle.
I was thinking this author might be an ESL person, but ESL people's writing usually have mistakes that aren't able to picked up by word, such as mixing up "they're" and "there", or accidentally using one words that means the same thing, but the connotation is off... etc. (One of my best friends was an ESL student until very recently, and I used to proofread her homework.)
Aww... don't you just love these "Teh EIGHTH Homunculus!!!111one!!" fics? This one takes it even further. "Teh NINTH Homunculus!!!!eleventyone!!!"
Never mind that Vengeance is a synonym for Wrath... Hey, who needs Logic.
TITLE: Homunculi Target
SINNER AUTHOR'S NAME: meguhanu
NUMBER OF SPORKS IT TAKES TO KILL THIS SUE:
FULL NAME(with titles):
A 12 year old boy named Scott, Scotty
Vengeance (Scott's uncle)
SPECIES:
Scott - Homunculus/Alchemist
Vengeance - Homunculus/Alchemist (even more of an Anime!Wrath ripoff)
HAIR COLOR(with adjectives):
Scott - not mentioned
Vengeance - "long black hair tied in a high ponytail"
EYE COLOR(include adjectives):
Scott - not mentioned (poor kid, has no physical features mentioned, and he's the main character.)
Vengeance - Red
UNUSUAL MARKINGS:
Scott - He's a homunculus, so I'm guessing the Ouroborus tattoo somewhere on his body.
Vengeance - Same
POSSESSIONS:
Scott - A hobby. I'm serious. "Hating alchemists." (I see a bright future for this kid. Under florescent lights working in McDonalds.)
Vengeance - A house in central
ANNOYING ORIGIN:
Scott - The Gate, Central
Vengeance - The Gate, not mentioned
ANNOYING CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Where to begin... hm
Well, Scott lived with his uncle, who disappeared one night. Ed and Al come (about ...three hours later) and lie to him that his uncle has been arrested, when actually he's a homunculus. Then. for some reason, all the canon!Homunculi show up and try to take the boy through a whole bunch of tricks. Then his uncle appears as "Vengeance". Then, for some reason, Scott becomes(already was) a Homunculus and tries to Kill Ed and Al.
ANNOYING SPECIAL ABILITIES:
Scott and Vengeance can use "ancient spells" in conjuction with transmutation circles made from the ground up original(?) bodies of the other homunculi. (hmm... I don't think Anime!Wrath has an original body, Izumi gave it to the gate... and the others are pretty much decomposed. That must've been a hell of a vacation, looking for pre-homunculus skeletons.)Which in turn, kills the other homunculi in about 5 seconds, but Ed and Al can't kill even one.
Scott also seems to have amazing acting skills, since he was able to convince the reader her was human, even though it was written from his point of view.
OTHER ANNOYING TRAITS:
Vengeance calls Scott "Scotty".
Scott goes through about 5 personality changes in about an hour.
Scott's hobby is hating alchemists and glaring at them from the middle of the street. (This kid should seriously get some help.)
NOTES:
What seriously annoyed me was the "See Spot Run. Run Spot run." speech the author used throughout the story.
Yes, I sooo believe that you're 20.
The story starts out from Scott's POV, but in third person, and he's currently a perfectly normal human. Then in the end of the second chapter, all of a sudden the story switches to narrative 3rd person, and BOOM. Sloth reveals that Scott is a homunculus out to kill the Elrics. In the third chapter, it's also in narrative 3rd person, but for some unexplained reason, they kill all the other homunculi.
I'm having trouble figuring out what each chapter has to do with one another in plot.
In the first paragraph, it stated that Scott wanted revenge against Kimbley for his mother. Scott's revenge, Kimbley, his mother, and his human emotions are never mentioned again.
And since when does Alchemy involve chanting?
SAMPLE:
A 12 year old boy named Scott lived in Central with his uncle. His uncle never paid him any mind. He’d let Scott do whatever he wanted. Scott had a hobby. It was hating the State Alchemists. He’d stand out in the street and glare at any state alchemist that walked by. They really were the dogs of the military. They’d kill without a second thought. Just like a dog obeying their masters. (Most dogs don't exactly obey their masters, they just run around them and slobber over their faces. *stares at a State Alchemist* Dude, I can totally see him slobbering over anime!Pride's face. ) His mother had died by the hands of a State Alchemist. An alchemist who had a thing for explosives. (Gasp! Kimbley! And Kimbley never appears in the story again. )He’d swore he would get revenge for her one day. (As of now, I'm singing a mix of "See Spot Run" and "Three Blind Mice" in my head.)
-----------------------------------
Ed and Al gasped. “Hey hold on a second!” called Ed running after him until all the homunculi blocked his path. “Get the fuck out of my way!” he yelled while clapping his hands together. From the ground came a huge metal cage entrapping all the homunculi in it. Ed and Al ran after Scott.
Wrath smiled. “Stupid,” he said while slipping right out of the bars followed by Sloth. They opened the cage for the rest of the homunculi. Vengeance was about to go after them. “No,” said Sloth putting her hand on his shoulder. “It’s all going according to plan,” she answered. “What?” asked all the homunculi, including Envy who recovered quickly. “The kid is a homunculus,” she said. All the homunculi dropped their jaws (Because I can totally picture the homunculi acting that way.)
In the woods, Ed and AL were gaining on the kid. “Hey stop!” called Ed. “We won’t hurt you!” called Al. Scott paid no attention to them. He had his own plans. Good, they’re falling me. Come and catch me. Come into our trap.(The pre-school worksheet speak buuurns....) He put on an evil smile. Finally, he had reached his destination. It was Dante’s old house. Scott ran in and headed straight to the basement.
Ed and Al stopped in their tracks. “This is Dante’s house,” said Al. “Why would he run in there?” asked Ed. “We should find out, brother,” said Al.(Nah, don't bother. Ed asked a question like that for no reason.) “Yeah, let’s go,” Ed said. In they went. In side was all in ruins, unlike the last time they were there. All over the floor was dust, except for some footprints that seemed to lead to the basement. Ed and Al followed. “Stay alert,” Ed said to Al. “you too, brother,” said Al.
One they reached the basement, they were in a huge room. It was very clean, unlike the rest of the house. They saw Scott standing in the middle of the room. He was standing in what looked like a transmutation circle. Scott had an evil smile on his face. “Welcome,” he said. “What is this!” yelled Ed. Scott laughed to himself. “You fools! I can’t believe you actually followed me down here!” he said. “Answer his question!” yelled Al. “You still haven’t figured it out?” asked Scott. “Oh jeez, looks like I’ll have to tell you. This was all a set up. I am a homunculus. It was all planned out…by all of us,” he said pointing to the entrance of the room. There stood all the homunculi. “Oh shit! Al it looks like we’ve fallen into another trap,” said Ed.
“What are we going to do?” asked Al. “Looks like we have no choice but to fight,” answered Ed. They got into position. Back to back, ready to fight. “Ready. Steady. Go!” (She used the name of the Opening Theme in the story. What? Is she trying to convey the fact that there was background music during the fight? Ed: *transmutes a stereo*. Me: *head->desk*)yelled Ed. Then the fight began between the two famous Elric brothers and the Homunculi.
--------------------------------
“You really want to fight me?” asked Scott, running to strike Ed. “If I didn’t,” Ed started “I wouldn’t do this.” Ed had stabbed Scott right through the heart. Scott fell back with the staff still sticking out of his chest. Blood splattered over the transmutation circle and out of Scott’s open mouth. Then a bluish glow appeared. Ed was shocked. “What have I done?” (Well... according to two and a half lines ago, you "stabbed Scott right through the heart")he asked to himself. “Isn’t it obvious?” asked Scott. “You killed me,” said Scott before collapsing dead on the still glowing transmutation circle.