OOC: Music Dump - Part Two of a Two Part Heartbreak
Mmm, angsty. Ace is always telling how Katia's all poetic and stuff in her angst, so I did something a little different in the "explaining why I think the song is relevant" section by occasionally quoting actual poetry. Your mileage for how effective that is may very. Anyway, this is the second part of Katia and Clark's epic break up 2.0 mix, from Katita's perspective. Accordingly, it's much more "whine, whine, emotions, whiiiiine" about stuff. It varies in genre from singer-songwriter stuff, to extra long electric house tracks, to Ellie Goudling. (Katia's music soul sister is Ellie, I'm pretty sure.) Anyway - hope you enjoy. And thank you to Wendy who drew me Katia looking mopey! I sort of butchered the image a little, playing around on photobucket, so here's the original.
1. Once - Diana Vickers
Here we are
A careful distance
Here's my heart, what's left of it
In this town, I used to listen
Once, once, yeah
I had hope, blind faith
I had as much as you can take
I'm only gonna let you kill me once
***
“I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.”
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, Dirge Without Music
It's a poem about death, but Katia finds herself re-reading it anyway.
***
2.Funnyman - KT Tunstall
Do you remember that night
When I had to play your angel
Saving your soul?
Even though you were holding on tight
A part of you was taken by your demons below
And with no one to lose
You said you feel like a bruise
On a beautiful body.
And all the damage you do
Is so honest and true
I don't want to feel sorry for you
***
The night Clark stopped being Dynamo, she held onto to him as tight as she could. It wasn't enough. Because in the morning when they woke up, she felt resentment and he felt such little remorse.
***
3.The Lullaby Singer - Anna Nalick
Panic is a shotgun
I don't know if I can get you out of this one
But you can call me up at twenty after midnight
I'll stay on the line to talk you down and tuck you in
[…]
When you were here
I couldn't find the words to say
I'll be your lullaby singer
I won't let you down
I promise to try and try
***
Every night Katia plays out every conversation that went wrong in her head again. Every night Clark comes to her door, bruised and bloodstained, she tries to be better. To be less self-centered. To be more giving. More kind.
To be right.
The words always come too late.
***
4.Bloody Motherfucking Asshole - Martha Wainwright
Poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore
And I'm young and I'm strong
But I feel old and tired
Overfired
And I've been poked and stoked
It's all smoke, there's no more fire
Only desire
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are
You say my time here has been some sort of joke
That I've been messing around
Some sort of incubating period
For when I really come around
I'm cracking up
And you have no idea
[…]
You bloody mother fucking asshole
***
Clark: People grow up, Katia.
Katia: Yeah, but we didn't do that. We just got sad.
Clark: *shakes his head* I did. You? I'm not so sure. *starts washing his hands*
Katia: Why are you sad?
Clark: When I get sad, I'm sad because I've seen the truth of what's out there. And because you refuse to grow enough to work through it.
Katia: *doesn't flinch* And what's out there
Clark: Life. *waves vaguely, shaking his head* Life, is out there. Bad things are out there. But it's okay, if you know how to hold onto the good things. You don't know the good things when you have them. *pauses, quietly* ...I've outgrown you.
Katia: *flinches*
Clark: *closes his eyes, running his fingers through his hair* ...I'm not saying this out of spite, or arrogance. But you...you've always been denied a past. And so, you're always trying to get that back. *glances at her* ...you're still looking for someone that holds onto you, and takes care of you, and babies you when you scrape your knee. But can't give to people. Not the way that you want to.
And you hate yourself for that.
***
5 Wait It Out - Imogen Heap
Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
In the shatter of us collapsed.
That cuts me with every could-have-been.
Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.
Everybody says: "Time heals everything."
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?
***
Aisling: Mmm. *picks up Katia's book from she dropped it, looking it over*
Book: *is a book of poetry*
Aisling: *turns to look at Katia flatly*
Katia: *lying back against the couch, her eyes closed* Blandy McBlanderson. Whatever. I get it.
Aisling: *looks back at the book, and opens it, start to read curiously*
Book: *is a collected volume of poems by Edna St. Vincet Millay, Katia's go to (and only) poet*
Aisling: *blinks, looking confused*
Katia: *still has her eyes closed*
Aisling: ...does this help?
Katia: *pauses, her eyes scrunching slightly as she thinks how to answer that, and then, still not opening them, recites in a dull voice Sonnet II*
“Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,-so with his memory they brim
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!”
***
6. Gravity - Pixie Lott
I know that you still haven't found you,
And when I wanna stand on my own two
Suddenly you start to show
Signs of what is possible
Then you're back to your ways
And I let me down
Tell me why I keep tryin' stay around
When all my family
They always telling me to be through with you
[…]
I know I'm betrayed when I'm made to
Ignore the universe when I see you
Cause every night the stars will shine
Merging into U-turns signs
***
Clark asked her out at Christmas, and she said no because of Adi. And yet they had dinner together anyway.
But nothing changed.
***
7. Be Mine! - Ellie Goudling & Erik Hassle
It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance I promise to never mess it up again
Just the sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
[…]
There's a moment to seize every time that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
***
Every conversation they have is a dance around the words they leave unsaid.
***
8. Sun of a Gun (Savage Skulls Remix) - Oh Land
Once burned, twice shunned
Too much of your line made me blind.
I'd wait all night
But you left one too many times.
I want to change my orbit
Don't care what you do now.
I want to live in darkness
Don't want to be spun around.
You go down, down, down
I fall out of love with you.
Come back round, round, round
You sun of a gun.
***
Some days Katia writes things like this.
***
9. That Day - Dresden & Johnston featuring Nadia Ali
Maybe what we needed was to turn away our bitter pride,
we are fueled to fire with words that cut like jagged knives,
falling downhill is the only way out of an avalanche,
can we make amends and maybe just pretend that all is well?
***
And other days Katia writes things like this
***
10. White Blank Page - Mumford & Sons
Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body?
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly?
[…]
But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart.
***
Angelique.
(Oh, Mumford and Son's, how is it that I was quoting these lyrics in Katia's journal all the way back in January of 2009, and you're just getting popular now?)
***
11. King of Anything - Sara Bareilles
I hate to break it you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save
***
Firstly, because I enjoy the symmetry of them both having this song. Secondly because it really frustrates Katia sometimes, having Clark stalk her to make sure she's safe. Also works for when he inevitably finds out who she's working for these days.
***
12. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hands
And you played it
To the beat
***
And do you think that love itself,
Living in such an ugly house,
Can prosper long?
We meet and part;
Our talk is all of heres and nows,
Our conduct likewise; in no act
Is any future, any past;
Under our sly, unspoken pact,
I KNOW with whom I saw you last,
But I say nothing; and you know
At six-fifteen to whom I go-
Can even love be treated so?
I KNOW, but I do not insist,
Having stealth and tact, thought not enough,
What hour your eye is on your wrist.
No wild appeal, no mild rebuff
Deflates the hour, leaves the wine flat-
Yet if YOU drop the picked-up book
To intercept my clockward look-
Tell me, can love go on like that?
Even the bored, insulted heart,
That signed so long and tight a lease,
Can BREAK it CONTRACT, slump in peace.
And Do You Think That Love Itself - Edna St. Vincent Millay
Katia thinks she knows the words to their story.
***
13. Half Life - Imogen Heap
I knew that I'd get like this again
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
The perfect heart's length away
The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down and warned me just how they fall
I knew the odds were I'd never win
Yet here I am
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
***
“I ...don't leave. I'm trying not to say something that I'll regret, and I know that this is that something, but...I ...I can't lose you. Not completely. Not with everyone else...”
“Don't you think someday you're going to want to take your girlfriend here, Clark?”
“Come on, Katia. I can make this work. I'm doing it with everything else. I- I don't want to keep you, or...or, try to start up something that is very over, I just...you feel right, here.”
“Why?”
“Because this was your place from the moment you stepped into it. You loved it, and you felt right at home in it, and you were so excited about California...it just...it feels right. You being here.”
“It felt right for me because I was sharing it with you. “
“Keep it. It's a gift. I'll come over every Thurday, and we can do, like...I don't know. Terrible movie Thursdays, or something...”
“Yours included?”
“...if that's what it takes.”
“If that's what you need.”
“ What, really?”
“Yeah.”
***
14. This Love (Will Be Your Downfall) - Ellie Goudling
Who are you to make me feel so good?
Who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?
Oh, who am I to say I'm always yours?
Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores?
Oh, I don't see a reason why we can't just be apart
Not falling on each other like we're always in the dark
Oh, I don't think you know me much at all, at all
***
Is it toxic or tragic love? Probably both, Katia thinks.
***
1. Once - Diana Vickers
Here we are
A careful distance
Here's my heart, what's left of it
In this town, I used to listen
Once, once, yeah
I had hope, blind faith
I had as much as you can take
I'm only gonna let you kill me once
***
“I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, --- but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.”
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay, Dirge Without Music
It's a poem about death, but Katia finds herself re-reading it anyway.
***
2.Funnyman - KT Tunstall
Do you remember that night
When I had to play your angel
Saving your soul?
Even though you were holding on tight
A part of you was taken by your demons below
And with no one to lose
You said you feel like a bruise
On a beautiful body.
And all the damage you do
Is so honest and true
I don't want to feel sorry for you
***
The night Clark stopped being Dynamo, she held onto to him as tight as she could. It wasn't enough. Because in the morning when they woke up, she felt resentment and he felt such little remorse.
***
3.The Lullaby Singer - Anna Nalick
Panic is a shotgun
I don't know if I can get you out of this one
But you can call me up at twenty after midnight
I'll stay on the line to talk you down and tuck you in
[…]
When you were here
I couldn't find the words to say
I'll be your lullaby singer
I won't let you down
I promise to try and try
***
Every night Katia plays out every conversation that went wrong in her head again. Every night Clark comes to her door, bruised and bloodstained, she tries to be better. To be less self-centered. To be more giving. More kind.
To be right.
The words always come too late.
***
4.Bloody Motherfucking Asshole - Martha Wainwright
Poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore
And I'm young and I'm strong
But I feel old and tired
Overfired
And I've been poked and stoked
It's all smoke, there's no more fire
Only desire
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are
You say my time here has been some sort of joke
That I've been messing around
Some sort of incubating period
For when I really come around
I'm cracking up
And you have no idea
[…]
You bloody mother fucking asshole
***
Clark: People grow up, Katia.
Katia: Yeah, but we didn't do that. We just got sad.
Clark: *shakes his head* I did. You? I'm not so sure. *starts washing his hands*
Katia: Why are you sad?
Clark: When I get sad, I'm sad because I've seen the truth of what's out there. And because you refuse to grow enough to work through it.
Katia: *doesn't flinch* And what's out there
Clark: Life. *waves vaguely, shaking his head* Life, is out there. Bad things are out there. But it's okay, if you know how to hold onto the good things. You don't know the good things when you have them. *pauses, quietly* ...I've outgrown you.
Katia: *flinches*
Clark: *closes his eyes, running his fingers through his hair* ...I'm not saying this out of spite, or arrogance. But you...you've always been denied a past. And so, you're always trying to get that back. *glances at her* ...you're still looking for someone that holds onto you, and takes care of you, and babies you when you scrape your knee. But can't give to people. Not the way that you want to.
And you hate yourself for that.
***
5 Wait It Out - Imogen Heap
Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
In the shatter of us collapsed.
That cuts me with every could-have-been.
Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.
Everybody says: "Time heals everything."
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?
***
Aisling: Mmm. *picks up Katia's book from she dropped it, looking it over*
Book: *is a book of poetry*
Aisling: *turns to look at Katia flatly*
Katia: *lying back against the couch, her eyes closed* Blandy McBlanderson. Whatever. I get it.
Aisling: *looks back at the book, and opens it, start to read curiously*
Book: *is a collected volume of poems by Edna St. Vincet Millay, Katia's go to (and only) poet*
Aisling: *blinks, looking confused*
Katia: *still has her eyes closed*
Aisling: ...does this help?
Katia: *pauses, her eyes scrunching slightly as she thinks how to answer that, and then, still not opening them, recites in a dull voice Sonnet II*
“Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,-so with his memory they brim
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!”
***
6. Gravity - Pixie Lott
I know that you still haven't found you,
And when I wanna stand on my own two
Suddenly you start to show
Signs of what is possible
Then you're back to your ways
And I let me down
Tell me why I keep tryin' stay around
When all my family
They always telling me to be through with you
[…]
I know I'm betrayed when I'm made to
Ignore the universe when I see you
Cause every night the stars will shine
Merging into U-turns signs
***
Clark asked her out at Christmas, and she said no because of Adi. And yet they had dinner together anyway.
But nothing changed.
***
7. Be Mine! - Ellie Goudling & Erik Hassle
It's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance I promise to never mess it up again
Just the sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I'm watching you walk away
And now you're gone it's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
[…]
There's a moment to seize every time that we meet
But you always keep passing me by
***
Every conversation they have is a dance around the words they leave unsaid.
***
8. Sun of a Gun (Savage Skulls Remix) - Oh Land
Once burned, twice shunned
Too much of your line made me blind.
I'd wait all night
But you left one too many times.
I want to change my orbit
Don't care what you do now.
I want to live in darkness
Don't want to be spun around.
You go down, down, down
I fall out of love with you.
Come back round, round, round
You sun of a gun.
***
Some days Katia writes things like this.
***
9. That Day - Dresden & Johnston featuring Nadia Ali
Maybe what we needed was to turn away our bitter pride,
we are fueled to fire with words that cut like jagged knives,
falling downhill is the only way out of an avalanche,
can we make amends and maybe just pretend that all is well?
***
And other days Katia writes things like this
***
10. White Blank Page - Mumford & Sons
Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body?
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly?
[…]
But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart.
***
Angelique.
(Oh, Mumford and Son's, how is it that I was quoting these lyrics in Katia's journal all the way back in January of 2009, and you're just getting popular now?)
***
11. King of Anything - Sara Bareilles
I hate to break it you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save
***
Firstly, because I enjoy the symmetry of them both having this song. Secondly because it really frustrates Katia sometimes, having Clark stalk her to make sure she's safe. Also works for when he inevitably finds out who she's working for these days.
***
12. Rolling in the Deep - Adele
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hands
And you played it
To the beat
***
And do you think that love itself,
Living in such an ugly house,
Can prosper long?
We meet and part;
Our talk is all of heres and nows,
Our conduct likewise; in no act
Is any future, any past;
Under our sly, unspoken pact,
I KNOW with whom I saw you last,
But I say nothing; and you know
At six-fifteen to whom I go-
Can even love be treated so?
I KNOW, but I do not insist,
Having stealth and tact, thought not enough,
What hour your eye is on your wrist.
No wild appeal, no mild rebuff
Deflates the hour, leaves the wine flat-
Yet if YOU drop the picked-up book
To intercept my clockward look-
Tell me, can love go on like that?
Even the bored, insulted heart,
That signed so long and tight a lease,
Can BREAK it CONTRACT, slump in peace.
And Do You Think That Love Itself - Edna St. Vincent Millay
Katia thinks she knows the words to their story.
***
13. Half Life - Imogen Heap
I knew that I'd get like this again
That's why I try to keep at bay
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
The perfect heart's length away
The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong
You never promised me anything
Even sat me down and warned me just how they fall
I knew the odds were I'd never win
Yet here I am
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
***
“I ...don't leave. I'm trying not to say something that I'll regret, and I know that this is that something, but...I ...I can't lose you. Not completely. Not with everyone else...”
“Don't you think someday you're going to want to take your girlfriend here, Clark?”
“Come on, Katia. I can make this work. I'm doing it with everything else. I- I don't want to keep you, or...or, try to start up something that is very over, I just...you feel right, here.”
“Why?”
“Because this was your place from the moment you stepped into it. You loved it, and you felt right at home in it, and you were so excited about California...it just...it feels right. You being here.”
“It felt right for me because I was sharing it with you. “
“Keep it. It's a gift. I'll come over every Thurday, and we can do, like...I don't know. Terrible movie Thursdays, or something...”
“Yours included?”
“...if that's what it takes.”
“If that's what you need.”
“ What, really?”
“Yeah.”
***
14. This Love (Will Be Your Downfall) - Ellie Goudling
Who are you to make me feel so good?
Who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?
Oh, who am I to say I'm always yours?
Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores?
Oh, I don't see a reason why we can't just be apart
Not falling on each other like we're always in the dark
Oh, I don't think you know me much at all, at all
***
Is it toxic or tragic love? Probably both, Katia thinks.
***