(no subject)
These past three/four months have been really trying in both good and bad. The world never waits for you to take a breath and even if it did I am sure it would have more to share with you right after you exhaled.
When I moved down here I was under the impression that I was moving amongst friends. These past three months have proven otherwise. I had a lot of faith in the people that I went on this small and risky life journey with but unfortunately that faith was all but taken away. Some of these people I have known since I was in grade school and the idea of not being able to be reconcile and be friends (because of there stubborness) makes me feel ill at times. Respect was discarded and that was the only thing that I was looking forward to in this move. It is a shame. A shame that people are the way they are and that I feel trapped and needlessly guilty because of it.
I thought by moving down here I would find a good job and get some decent pay for the world that I was doing. I found the best job in the world working as a Educational Assistant in a special needs preschool. Kim is wonderful to work for and the kids are beautiful and make me smile every single day. They are bright, funny, and Kim really lets me take a hands on approach in the classroom but I am not making enough. I am not making nearly enough. I am constantly worrying about money, eating, paying the bills, eating, buying the things I need.... eating. I also have to rely sometimes on people to give me a little extra money or to help me out and that has me feeling pretty useless. I am such an independent person that the thought of me having to depend on others makes me feel awful.
I know a lot of these issues will be solved in a month or so but right now it seems so far off that I am not even looking forward to it. It seems like these problems are a year old now and a lifetime too deep. Like everything else it seems like it is not going to happen or something will get int the way. That is a really shitty way to feel too because John is absolutely awesome and wonderful. I love him and appreciate everything that he is doing to make this happen...did I mention that I love him? I really really do.
I am just so bummed guys. Sick, depressed, and exhausted. I kind of just want to click my heels and snap out of this. Go back over the rainbow to where I belong. Wherever that may be.
When I moved down here I was under the impression that I was moving amongst friends. These past three months have proven otherwise. I had a lot of faith in the people that I went on this small and risky life journey with but unfortunately that faith was all but taken away. Some of these people I have known since I was in grade school and the idea of not being able to be reconcile and be friends (because of there stubborness) makes me feel ill at times. Respect was discarded and that was the only thing that I was looking forward to in this move. It is a shame. A shame that people are the way they are and that I feel trapped and needlessly guilty because of it.
I thought by moving down here I would find a good job and get some decent pay for the world that I was doing. I found the best job in the world working as a Educational Assistant in a special needs preschool. Kim is wonderful to work for and the kids are beautiful and make me smile every single day. They are bright, funny, and Kim really lets me take a hands on approach in the classroom but I am not making enough. I am not making nearly enough. I am constantly worrying about money, eating, paying the bills, eating, buying the things I need.... eating. I also have to rely sometimes on people to give me a little extra money or to help me out and that has me feeling pretty useless. I am such an independent person that the thought of me having to depend on others makes me feel awful.
I know a lot of these issues will be solved in a month or so but right now it seems so far off that I am not even looking forward to it. It seems like these problems are a year old now and a lifetime too deep. Like everything else it seems like it is not going to happen or something will get int the way. That is a really shitty way to feel too because John is absolutely awesome and wonderful. I love him and appreciate everything that he is doing to make this happen...did I mention that I love him? I really really do.
I am just so bummed guys. Sick, depressed, and exhausted. I kind of just want to click my heels and snap out of this. Go back over the rainbow to where I belong. Wherever that may be.