[Sporking] Never Say Never - Prologue + Chapter 1
Hello there folks! And welcome to my first solo sporking. It’ll be rough going through this without my puffy partner, but I’m a brave girl. I can handle this.
And what is this, you ask? This is a Tokyo Mew Mew fanfic by Rainbowpoptartcat and you should all know upfront before I say another word; she hardcore ships Kisshu and Ichigo. And by “hardcore ships”, I mean Masaya suffers hard here, as does Minto for some reason. This author fully embraces the Die For Our Ship, Draco in Leather Pants, Ron the Death Eater and Murder the Hypotenuse tropes, among other newbie writer/weeaboo tropes.
Before we dive in, I would like to note about naming terminology here; like most TMM fans, I’ve watched the fan subs that are out there. The ones that popularised the many name spellings we all know and most likely use today, despite the fact that they aren’t correct. Hell, you saw it right there with me using Kisshu as opposed to Quiche. And I can also tell you that the author is in the same boat as me with regards to using the fansub spellings and terms. So, despite knowing what the true spellings and names are, I’ll most likely stick to what I’ve used for years now, nor will I pull up the author for these things, especially since that would also be sort of hypocritical.
I believe I’ve talked enough now! Let’s begin!
For the future of fanfiction, I am at your service, nya~!
Prologue
A.N. Hai! This is my first fanfic. Tokyo Mew Mew was the first anime I EVER watched. Yeah, I know, "What about blah blah blah, why didn't you watch that first?" Well I didn't for a very good reason…I think. I wanted to get into anime a few months ago, and went on Instagram for suggestions, then somebody mentioned that, so don't hate me.
You act like having Tokyo Mew Mew be your first anime is a bad thing. Cause hey, Tokyo Mew Mew was my first anime too. ...Well, if we’re being technical here, the dubbed version was actually my first anime, though once I’d exhausted all of what 4Kids had actually dubbed and released, I had to switch to the original to see the end of the story. My point? Don’t be ashamed about your first anime. Even if its a bad one or a cringeworthy one, you’ll probably always have fond memories of it, cause otherwise you wouldn’t be where you are now.
Yeah, let’s start this off positively! Since this will go downhill very quickly...
Anyway, I hope you like this, comment what you think, if anybody reads this XD
Let’s be fair here love, you’re writing for the Fandom Popular Ship. The minute you put the Romance category in with the names of those two characters, you’re already guaranteed at least a review right off the bat.
I must confess that I do dislike when this happens, since it means fics for less popular ships or crack ships often get overlooked, and oft times, they’re actually really well done.
It had been 2 years since the Final Battle with Deep Blue. Before the aliens left, they formed a truce with the mews, saying that they wouldn't attack anymore if they simply handed over the mew aqua. Ever since then, the aliens haven't come back.
Might I suggest that you watch your tenses there author. This should really be in the past tense.
Also, that’s not entiiiiiirely correct; the Mew Aqua within Masaya’s body brought the aliens back to life and then they took what was left with them, saying it was enough to help their planet. They didn’t demand it off the Mews.
Ichigo was overjoyed that she saved the love of her life, Masaya (A.N. I wanna throw up, I never liked him, and he was just too perfect…).
*eye twitch* Nope. All I’m gonna say is that there was more to his character than that and that it isn’t overly professional to just shove A/Ns into your story.
Lately, though, she feels…different. She could never really figure out why, it's like in the deep corridors of her heart. She was unable to pinpoint what made her feel that way. She only hoped it wasn't about the people that left 2 years ago…
And suddenly, there be the smell of fish in the air...
Sitting in his room in his house back on Cyniclonia,
Well, if that ain’t some weird nod to the dub, then I don’t know what the fuck else that would be. Their planet never did get a name did it though? Even though I know I will be losing my temper with you soon author, I’ll give you some credit for being...somewhat creative with a name. At least while I’m still in a good mood with you.
one green haired alien was deep in thought. I can't get her out of my mind, maybe I should've said goodbye. Man, I hope she isn't mad; I would love to see her again. Suddenly, there was a childish scream outside of his bedroom door. "KISSHU! OPEN THE DOOR!" The scream belonged to his young half-brother, Taruto. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, MIDGET!" He yelled back. As soon as he said that, Taruto teleported into his room. "Pai and I want to go back to earth, we were wondering if you wanted to come with us," he explained.
*raises hand* Question: Why do they want to go back? He says this like he’s just popping out to the park for a while, like it’s no big deal. It would make sense if they genuinely wanted to go see the Mews again, but he doesn’t say that. Sure, Kisshu starts thinking that he can do just that, but otherwise this comes right out of nowhere and doesn’t have an explanation behind it.
This explanation slowly creeped into the thoughts of the 16 year olds mind. Am I really going to get to see my kitten again? What will she think when she sees me? How much had she changed over the 2 years I had been away? Why am I asking myself so many questions?
Exactly, why?
Kisshu snapped back when Taruto waved a hand in his face. "Hello?' Taruto asked. "Sorry, just thinking. Yeah I'll go." Kisshu said, his heart beating faster with the thought of Ichigo on his mind. Then a creepy smirk displayed on his face across his face. You will be mine, koneko-chan.
Author, read that again. “A creepy smirk” … “You will be mine”. Those aren’t cute. They aren’t endearing descriptions. That is...well, you used the word yourself; creepy. Why is it that you like him then? And why should I cheer on this pairing if this is the one doing the pursuing?
Chapter 1:
Tension
*skims over the chapter* There really isn’t much “Tension” in this chapter. The worst that happens is that Minto and Ichigo have a small spat, which fits since they’re Vitriolic Best Buds in the show. Though in this fic, Minto’s behaviour is indicative of something worse to come, unfortunately.
"NYAAA! I'm gonna be late!" Ichigo realized after looking at the clock that read 7:40. The 15 year old scrambled around her room trying to get dressed, put makeup on, and do her hair.
Um...I don’t really recall Ichigo wearing that much makeup in the original show. I guess since she’s a little older here - 16 if I recall correctly, what with a year passing in the show itself and then this taking place two years later - she might be into it, but to be honest, I don’t see her being the type. Granted, that is a personal opinion, and I won’t blow up at people who think otherwise.
Also, why is she saying “nya”? She’s not a Mew anymore, which is something you do point out in this very chapter, so that would logically mean she isn’t merged with cat DNA anymore, which is what caused the cat traits. Just as a note now, readers; said traits are used heavily throughout the fic.
Her hairstyle hasn't changed. She still has those two ponytails at the side of her head. She chose to wear a pink hoodie with a strawberry on the front with blue jeans and pink flats. It was going to be one of her many lazy days of getting dressed in the morning. So, she grabbed her backpack, ran downstairs, and after saying quick goodbyes to her parents,ran out the door as fast as she could to get to school.
So she’s going to school, eh? Then pray tell, why isn’t she wearing a uniform? Cause yeah author, that’s a thing Japanese schools have. And I highly doubt that Ichigo is gonna go from attending a middle school with a dress code to a high school that lets students attend in their casual clothes.
If I'm late again my teacher will give me a weeks' worth of detention. Then I won't be able to go on my date with Masaya tonight. She thought. The couple was planning to go to the park for a picnic after she left work. Yes, she still worked at Café Mew Mew. Even though she was no longer a new, she still worked there to be close with her friends.
Even though at the end of the show, a new enemy had appeared and thus reactivated everyone’s Mew powers. Author, you do actually have something you could work with here. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were hundreds of fanfics inspired purely by this new enemy and what they’re like.
Also, I won't pull the author up for having Ichigo use "Masaya" instead of "Aoyama-kun", since two years have passed here so you would probably expect Ichigo to have went that step further on her part of the relationship by this point.
As she reached the school, her two best friends Moe and Miwa were waiting by the gate. "Hurry up, Ichigo. The bell is about to ring." Moe said. The three friends ran to their class and sat down just as the bell rang. The teacher was just as surprised as they were about them being on time for once.
It was a normal day for all three of them, same boring and overwhelming classes. After school, the trio separated as Moe and Miwa walked home and Ichigo headed to the café.
Wow, that was quite the time transition there author. Way to squish that entire day into only two sentences. Not to mention Moe and Miwa’s presences. They’d actually managed to have a decent amount of screen time in the anime considering they mostly appeared in the school scenes with Ichigo.
When she got there, everyone was chocked
Eh? What’s choking them? Unless you mean *shocked.
because she was actually on time. So, she greeted her friends and went into the locker room to change into her waitress outfit.
Author, this is all very boring. You do not need to tell us all these minute details.
The business day was the usual, Mint drinking tea, Lettuce dropping plates, and Pudding entertaining the customers by balancing on a ball and breaking even more plates. Once again, Ichigo was the only one working.
Question: What about Zakuro? Is she here or is she off doing what models like her do? You could always add this into your little laundry list there. Cause yeah, that’s what that is. “People did things” is what the sentence is saying. Also, Pudding and Lettuce work as well. Its just that Pudding turns to being the entertainment while she works - since it gets her extra tips and all and she lives off her tips mainly. Or at least, living off tips is something she’s gotten used to - and Lettuce is unfortunately clumsy. But they do still work.
The café was unsurprisingly busy today. Ichigo was running around, taking people's orders and delivering the requested food to the customers. As always, Ryou was pestering her every five seconds. Saying that she should be working harder and threatening to lower her paycheck.
*sigh* He doesn’t do that. Yes, he gives her some grief occasionally, but as the series went on, he gave her more respect (Probably partly ‘cause she continually chewed him out for not understanding that she has things she would want to do other than be a Mew and do his dirty work), especially since he did develop some small feelings for her. Then again, considering what happens later in the fic, I’m guessing that you’re aware of those feelings.
This ended up happening anyway, for the fourth time this week.
Why would he lower her pay? What is she doing to deserve this?! If anything, Pudding, Lettuce and Minto (I’m sorry ladies, I do love you, and you especially Pudding but let’s be legit here) should get lowered pays for breaking the plates and not doing jack!
Mint smirked.
"What're you laughing at Mint? At least I'm actually working, you're lazier than I am."
"Oh really? Who's the one that's always late to school?" Mint said.
"You have no say in that considering you're homeschooled. Everything is just handed to you. Some people have to work for what they want."
I did try and look up whether or not Minto was homeschooled or if she went to a private school, however I couldn’t really find anything. So I’ll let that comment slip for now unless someone tells me otherwise.
[Edit]: I have been informed that, given her status and her class, Minto would most definitely not be getting homeschooled by age 16. Maybe during the show she was, that is entirely up to fan interpretation, but by this point she would be in high school and her parents would want to put her into an actual proper high school in order to make sure she can get into a prestigious university. Even if her brother is currently the one most focused on his studies at the moment - most likely so he can inherit the family business, if that is how the Aizawa family has gained its wealth - Minto's family would still want her to do well.
Also, I probably won't give the author slack on this, even if this is something that could potentially be overlooked while researching, partly because a) she already fucked up on the uniform thing, which is easy enough to look up plus it would be common sense that a high school would have a uniform when the middle school did, and b) a slightly more spiteful reason, but I'm a bit farther in the fic by this point and I am already done with this author and their bullshit. So no, no slack for you author. [/end edit]
As for the other part, I’d say that Minto is a bit of both actually; she does act a fair bit spoiled and she does have quite a bit to her name given her status.
However that’s not to say that Minto is the type to just let absolutely everything get handed to her. She does work for at least some things in her life, such as the chance to be Prima Ballerina for her ballet school. Or, to use an easier example, the fact that she’s a Mew? Sure, she’s sometimes faltered, but that’s more in the sense that she finds it hard to believe that she and four other girls and literally the only hope the entire world has of surviving the aliens that are attacking it. And yet she keeps fighting.
"You call that working? My dog works more than you just by digging his bone in the ground." Mint retorted.
Okay, no. That is a bit too nasty, even for Minto, and especially so considering that, once again, this is set two years after the end of the anime. After everything they’ve all been through, Minto and Ichigo wouldn’t be this snippy toward each other, not without good reason.
At this remark, Ichigo's face turned bright red with anger. "Guys, calm down." Lettuce said.
That is a very straight-forward dialogue tag there. An adverb or some extra description would be nice, author. It depends on the situation when you would bring in extra description. Up there, when I said we didn’t need to hear that Ichigo arrived late, greeted her friends, then went to change, that is a case of too much info. Here, more would actually be appreciated.
"Fine. Lettuce, do you wanna go to my house after work? I have a date with Masaya, and I want you to help me get ready." Ichigo said as she glanced at Mint who had a jealous look on her face.
Why is Minto jealous? She has no attraction to Masaya whatsoever in the show. Then again, I’ve seen this tactic a few times before; this is a thing some Kishichigo fans do to get Masaya out of the picture. They have him cheat on Ichigo, and more often than not, he cheats on her with Minto, since these fans apparently don’t like her either.
"Sure, Ichigo-san." Lettuce replied with a smile. After work, Lettuce and Ichigo changed their clothes and walked to Ichigo's house.
When they reached the house, Ichigo unlocked the door and went insde. (*inside) Her parents weren't home yet,
Where are her parents? I’ll tell you now folks, we’ll find out in the next chapter, but it would make more sense to tell us now since the author already mentioned that they weren’t here.
so Ichigo led the way to her room. In her room, Ichigo put her stuff down by her desk and was startled to see what she found.
A small envelope sat on her desk.
Dun dun dun.
Well, that was relatively painless for the most part. Then again, it is the author’s first fic. Not to mention that it does get worse as it goes along. The more I read, the more rage-y I got.
So this should be loads of fun, amirite?! Till next time, nya~!
(The nya thing will stop next time as well, I promise. Just wanted to get in the spirit of the show to start us off.)
And what is this, you ask? This is a Tokyo Mew Mew fanfic by Rainbowpoptartcat and you should all know upfront before I say another word; she hardcore ships Kisshu and Ichigo. And by “hardcore ships”, I mean Masaya suffers hard here, as does Minto for some reason. This author fully embraces the Die For Our Ship, Draco in Leather Pants, Ron the Death Eater and Murder the Hypotenuse tropes, among other newbie writer/weeaboo tropes.
Before we dive in, I would like to note about naming terminology here; like most TMM fans, I’ve watched the fan subs that are out there. The ones that popularised the many name spellings we all know and most likely use today, despite the fact that they aren’t correct. Hell, you saw it right there with me using Kisshu as opposed to Quiche. And I can also tell you that the author is in the same boat as me with regards to using the fansub spellings and terms. So, despite knowing what the true spellings and names are, I’ll most likely stick to what I’ve used for years now, nor will I pull up the author for these things, especially since that would also be sort of hypocritical.
I believe I’ve talked enough now! Let’s begin!
For the future of fanfiction, I am at your service, nya~!
Prologue
A.N. Hai! This is my first fanfic. Tokyo Mew Mew was the first anime I EVER watched. Yeah, I know, "What about blah blah blah, why didn't you watch that first?" Well I didn't for a very good reason…I think. I wanted to get into anime a few months ago, and went on Instagram for suggestions, then somebody mentioned that, so don't hate me.
You act like having Tokyo Mew Mew be your first anime is a bad thing. Cause hey, Tokyo Mew Mew was my first anime too. ...Well, if we’re being technical here, the dubbed version was actually my first anime, though once I’d exhausted all of what 4Kids had actually dubbed and released, I had to switch to the original to see the end of the story. My point? Don’t be ashamed about your first anime. Even if its a bad one or a cringeworthy one, you’ll probably always have fond memories of it, cause otherwise you wouldn’t be where you are now.
Yeah, let’s start this off positively! Since this will go downhill very quickly...
Anyway, I hope you like this, comment what you think, if anybody reads this XD
Let’s be fair here love, you’re writing for the Fandom Popular Ship. The minute you put the Romance category in with the names of those two characters, you’re already guaranteed at least a review right off the bat.
I must confess that I do dislike when this happens, since it means fics for less popular ships or crack ships often get overlooked, and oft times, they’re actually really well done.
It had been 2 years since the Final Battle with Deep Blue. Before the aliens left, they formed a truce with the mews, saying that they wouldn't attack anymore if they simply handed over the mew aqua. Ever since then, the aliens haven't come back.
Might I suggest that you watch your tenses there author. This should really be in the past tense.
Also, that’s not entiiiiiirely correct; the Mew Aqua within Masaya’s body brought the aliens back to life and then they took what was left with them, saying it was enough to help their planet. They didn’t demand it off the Mews.
Ichigo was overjoyed that she saved the love of her life, Masaya (A.N. I wanna throw up, I never liked him, and he was just too perfect…).
*eye twitch* Nope. All I’m gonna say is that there was more to his character than that and that it isn’t overly professional to just shove A/Ns into your story.
Lately, though, she feels…different. She could never really figure out why, it's like in the deep corridors of her heart. She was unable to pinpoint what made her feel that way. She only hoped it wasn't about the people that left 2 years ago…
And suddenly, there be the smell of fish in the air...
Sitting in his room in his house back on Cyniclonia,
Well, if that ain’t some weird nod to the dub, then I don’t know what the fuck else that would be. Their planet never did get a name did it though? Even though I know I will be losing my temper with you soon author, I’ll give you some credit for being...somewhat creative with a name. At least while I’m still in a good mood with you.
one green haired alien was deep in thought. I can't get her out of my mind, maybe I should've said goodbye. Man, I hope she isn't mad; I would love to see her again. Suddenly, there was a childish scream outside of his bedroom door. "KISSHU! OPEN THE DOOR!" The scream belonged to his young half-brother, Taruto. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, MIDGET!" He yelled back. As soon as he said that, Taruto teleported into his room. "Pai and I want to go back to earth, we were wondering if you wanted to come with us," he explained.
*raises hand* Question: Why do they want to go back? He says this like he’s just popping out to the park for a while, like it’s no big deal. It would make sense if they genuinely wanted to go see the Mews again, but he doesn’t say that. Sure, Kisshu starts thinking that he can do just that, but otherwise this comes right out of nowhere and doesn’t have an explanation behind it.
This explanation slowly creeped into the thoughts of the 16 year olds mind. Am I really going to get to see my kitten again? What will she think when she sees me? How much had she changed over the 2 years I had been away? Why am I asking myself so many questions?
Exactly, why?
Kisshu snapped back when Taruto waved a hand in his face. "Hello?' Taruto asked. "Sorry, just thinking. Yeah I'll go." Kisshu said, his heart beating faster with the thought of Ichigo on his mind. Then a creepy smirk displayed on his face across his face. You will be mine, koneko-chan.
Author, read that again. “A creepy smirk” … “You will be mine”. Those aren’t cute. They aren’t endearing descriptions. That is...well, you used the word yourself; creepy. Why is it that you like him then? And why should I cheer on this pairing if this is the one doing the pursuing?
Chapter 1:
Tension
*skims over the chapter* There really isn’t much “Tension” in this chapter. The worst that happens is that Minto and Ichigo have a small spat, which fits since they’re Vitriolic Best Buds in the show. Though in this fic, Minto’s behaviour is indicative of something worse to come, unfortunately.
"NYAAA! I'm gonna be late!" Ichigo realized after looking at the clock that read 7:40. The 15 year old scrambled around her room trying to get dressed, put makeup on, and do her hair.
Um...I don’t really recall Ichigo wearing that much makeup in the original show. I guess since she’s a little older here - 16 if I recall correctly, what with a year passing in the show itself and then this taking place two years later - she might be into it, but to be honest, I don’t see her being the type. Granted, that is a personal opinion, and I won’t blow up at people who think otherwise.
Also, why is she saying “nya”? She’s not a Mew anymore, which is something you do point out in this very chapter, so that would logically mean she isn’t merged with cat DNA anymore, which is what caused the cat traits. Just as a note now, readers; said traits are used heavily throughout the fic.
Her hairstyle hasn't changed. She still has those two ponytails at the side of her head. She chose to wear a pink hoodie with a strawberry on the front with blue jeans and pink flats. It was going to be one of her many lazy days of getting dressed in the morning. So, she grabbed her backpack, ran downstairs, and after saying quick goodbyes to her parents,ran out the door as fast as she could to get to school.
So she’s going to school, eh? Then pray tell, why isn’t she wearing a uniform? Cause yeah author, that’s a thing Japanese schools have. And I highly doubt that Ichigo is gonna go from attending a middle school with a dress code to a high school that lets students attend in their casual clothes.
If I'm late again my teacher will give me a weeks' worth of detention. Then I won't be able to go on my date with Masaya tonight. She thought. The couple was planning to go to the park for a picnic after she left work. Yes, she still worked at Café Mew Mew. Even though she was no longer a new, she still worked there to be close with her friends.
Even though at the end of the show, a new enemy had appeared and thus reactivated everyone’s Mew powers. Author, you do actually have something you could work with here. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were hundreds of fanfics inspired purely by this new enemy and what they’re like.
Also, I won't pull the author up for having Ichigo use "Masaya" instead of "Aoyama-kun", since two years have passed here so you would probably expect Ichigo to have went that step further on her part of the relationship by this point.
As she reached the school, her two best friends Moe and Miwa were waiting by the gate. "Hurry up, Ichigo. The bell is about to ring." Moe said. The three friends ran to their class and sat down just as the bell rang. The teacher was just as surprised as they were about them being on time for once.
It was a normal day for all three of them, same boring and overwhelming classes. After school, the trio separated as Moe and Miwa walked home and Ichigo headed to the café.
Wow, that was quite the time transition there author. Way to squish that entire day into only two sentences. Not to mention Moe and Miwa’s presences. They’d actually managed to have a decent amount of screen time in the anime considering they mostly appeared in the school scenes with Ichigo.
When she got there, everyone was chocked
Eh? What’s choking them? Unless you mean *shocked.
because she was actually on time. So, she greeted her friends and went into the locker room to change into her waitress outfit.
Author, this is all very boring. You do not need to tell us all these minute details.
The business day was the usual, Mint drinking tea, Lettuce dropping plates, and Pudding entertaining the customers by balancing on a ball and breaking even more plates. Once again, Ichigo was the only one working.
Question: What about Zakuro? Is she here or is she off doing what models like her do? You could always add this into your little laundry list there. Cause yeah, that’s what that is. “People did things” is what the sentence is saying. Also, Pudding and Lettuce work as well. Its just that Pudding turns to being the entertainment while she works - since it gets her extra tips and all and she lives off her tips mainly. Or at least, living off tips is something she’s gotten used to - and Lettuce is unfortunately clumsy. But they do still work.
The café was unsurprisingly busy today. Ichigo was running around, taking people's orders and delivering the requested food to the customers. As always, Ryou was pestering her every five seconds. Saying that she should be working harder and threatening to lower her paycheck.
*sigh* He doesn’t do that. Yes, he gives her some grief occasionally, but as the series went on, he gave her more respect (Probably partly ‘cause she continually chewed him out for not understanding that she has things she would want to do other than be a Mew and do his dirty work), especially since he did develop some small feelings for her. Then again, considering what happens later in the fic, I’m guessing that you’re aware of those feelings.
This ended up happening anyway, for the fourth time this week.
Why would he lower her pay? What is she doing to deserve this?! If anything, Pudding, Lettuce and Minto (I’m sorry ladies, I do love you, and you especially Pudding but let’s be legit here) should get lowered pays for breaking the plates and not doing jack!
Mint smirked.
"What're you laughing at Mint? At least I'm actually working, you're lazier than I am."
"Oh really? Who's the one that's always late to school?" Mint said.
"You have no say in that considering you're homeschooled. Everything is just handed to you. Some people have to work for what they want."
I did try and look up whether or not Minto was homeschooled or if she went to a private school, however I couldn’t really find anything. So I’ll let that comment slip for now unless someone tells me otherwise.
[Edit]: I have been informed that, given her status and her class, Minto would most definitely not be getting homeschooled by age 16. Maybe during the show she was, that is entirely up to fan interpretation, but by this point she would be in high school and her parents would want to put her into an actual proper high school in order to make sure she can get into a prestigious university. Even if her brother is currently the one most focused on his studies at the moment - most likely so he can inherit the family business, if that is how the Aizawa family has gained its wealth - Minto's family would still want her to do well.
Also, I probably won't give the author slack on this, even if this is something that could potentially be overlooked while researching, partly because a) she already fucked up on the uniform thing, which is easy enough to look up plus it would be common sense that a high school would have a uniform when the middle school did, and b) a slightly more spiteful reason, but I'm a bit farther in the fic by this point and I am already done with this author and their bullshit. So no, no slack for you author. [/end edit]
As for the other part, I’d say that Minto is a bit of both actually; she does act a fair bit spoiled and she does have quite a bit to her name given her status.
However that’s not to say that Minto is the type to just let absolutely everything get handed to her. She does work for at least some things in her life, such as the chance to be Prima Ballerina for her ballet school. Or, to use an easier example, the fact that she’s a Mew? Sure, she’s sometimes faltered, but that’s more in the sense that she finds it hard to believe that she and four other girls and literally the only hope the entire world has of surviving the aliens that are attacking it. And yet she keeps fighting.
"You call that working? My dog works more than you just by digging his bone in the ground." Mint retorted.
Okay, no. That is a bit too nasty, even for Minto, and especially so considering that, once again, this is set two years after the end of the anime. After everything they’ve all been through, Minto and Ichigo wouldn’t be this snippy toward each other, not without good reason.
At this remark, Ichigo's face turned bright red with anger. "Guys, calm down." Lettuce said.
That is a very straight-forward dialogue tag there. An adverb or some extra description would be nice, author. It depends on the situation when you would bring in extra description. Up there, when I said we didn’t need to hear that Ichigo arrived late, greeted her friends, then went to change, that is a case of too much info. Here, more would actually be appreciated.
"Fine. Lettuce, do you wanna go to my house after work? I have a date with Masaya, and I want you to help me get ready." Ichigo said as she glanced at Mint who had a jealous look on her face.
Why is Minto jealous? She has no attraction to Masaya whatsoever in the show. Then again, I’ve seen this tactic a few times before; this is a thing some Kishichigo fans do to get Masaya out of the picture. They have him cheat on Ichigo, and more often than not, he cheats on her with Minto, since these fans apparently don’t like her either.
"Sure, Ichigo-san." Lettuce replied with a smile. After work, Lettuce and Ichigo changed their clothes and walked to Ichigo's house.
When they reached the house, Ichigo unlocked the door and went insde. (*inside) Her parents weren't home yet,
Where are her parents? I’ll tell you now folks, we’ll find out in the next chapter, but it would make more sense to tell us now since the author already mentioned that they weren’t here.
so Ichigo led the way to her room. In her room, Ichigo put her stuff down by her desk and was startled to see what she found.
A small envelope sat on her desk.
Dun dun dun.
Well, that was relatively painless for the most part. Then again, it is the author’s first fic. Not to mention that it does get worse as it goes along. The more I read, the more rage-y I got.
So this should be loads of fun, amirite?! Till next time, nya~!
(The nya thing will stop next time as well, I promise. Just wanted to get in the spirit of the show to start us off.)