(no subject)
help me i'm drowning. oh, the melodrama.
Anyhow, I'm trying to be honest with myself about my relationship with casey. I need to figure out whether I want to continue it or not, and if so, in what form, because I can't just go back to the way things were, it was too much of a roller coaster. So, I think I'll start by talking about why it was a roller coaster.
I obsessed over whether and when to break up with casey for probably more than a month, it began mildly, but eventually became intrusive. The reasons that I had this obsession are as follows:
1) My mother encouraged me to break up with him and never really approved of the relationship. She said that we just seemed more like friends to her than like a couple. I can understand this, because we're very playful. She also maintained (and I doubt that she had enough evidence to assert this, even though it may have been true) that it seemed like I did all the work in the relationship. This leads to another reason that I had the obsession:
2) I felt as though I was making a disproportionate amount of the effort in the relationship. I still feel this way. I think that the reason that I did so much work was that I was afraid of losing him. If I were to have backed off, he may have filled the space, or we may have seen less of each other, either of which would be acceptable in the future.
3) I was frustrated in my attempts to do the work many times because casey is a stoner and I have a very low tolerance for getting contact highs, and getting high (even slightly) makes me completely useless as far as homework goes. Actually, as far a s most things go. I usually go to sleep. So, I would find myself going to his room and turning straight back around because someone was smoking. Very frustrating.
4) The fact that he is a stoner is something that I'm grappling with on a moral level. I need to re-evaluate my system of values. I don't know what the ramifications of my ideas about stonerdom are for our relationship. Because I'm not sure whether I can truly respect and be on the same level with someone who, it seems to me, is running from reality at full tilt. What makes perception while high any less real than perception while sober? It's still perception, it's still skewed in both cases. On the other hand, addictions are masks, it seems. Why else would you develop an addiction unless you were running from some emotion. On the other hand, I run from emotions all the time with things that are similar to addictions. I don't do this nearly so often anymore, but I still do. I overindulge in food and alcohol. The food is to punish myself while simultaneously producing feelings of pleasure. Very strange experience. The alcohol is generally to loosen up and avoid my problems and have fun instead of dwelling on them. But still, it remains that we have very different lifestyles that don't mesh well.
5) Also dealing with casey being a stoner means that most of the time that I spend with him, he's high. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I have doubts about our ability to create an authentic connection while he is running from something. This is not to say that I'm not running from anything. But his running is constant and very obvious to me. I wonder what he's running from. This is something that we should discuss I think.
6) It's also always vaguely bothered me that he doesn't seem to be growing as a result of our relationship, and I have done so much growing that I barely recognize myself because of the mirror that he's put up to me. It worries me that he might be in this just for the security because I haven't challenged him much at all. Perhaps I'm wrong about this though. I'll talk to him about this too.
So, for
Anyhow, I'm trying to be honest with myself about my relationship with casey. I need to figure out whether I want to continue it or not, and if so, in what form, because I can't just go back to the way things were, it was too much of a roller coaster. So, I think I'll start by talking about why it was a roller coaster.
I obsessed over whether and when to break up with casey for probably more than a month, it began mildly, but eventually became intrusive. The reasons that I had this obsession are as follows:
1) My mother encouraged me to break up with him and never really approved of the relationship. She said that we just seemed more like friends to her than like a couple. I can understand this, because we're very playful. She also maintained (and I doubt that she had enough evidence to assert this, even though it may have been true) that it seemed like I did all the work in the relationship. This leads to another reason that I had the obsession:
2) I felt as though I was making a disproportionate amount of the effort in the relationship. I still feel this way. I think that the reason that I did so much work was that I was afraid of losing him. If I were to have backed off, he may have filled the space, or we may have seen less of each other, either of which would be acceptable in the future.
3) I was frustrated in my attempts to do the work many times because casey is a stoner and I have a very low tolerance for getting contact highs, and getting high (even slightly) makes me completely useless as far as homework goes. Actually, as far a s most things go. I usually go to sleep. So, I would find myself going to his room and turning straight back around because someone was smoking. Very frustrating.
4) The fact that he is a stoner is something that I'm grappling with on a moral level. I need to re-evaluate my system of values. I don't know what the ramifications of my ideas about stonerdom are for our relationship. Because I'm not sure whether I can truly respect and be on the same level with someone who, it seems to me, is running from reality at full tilt. What makes perception while high any less real than perception while sober? It's still perception, it's still skewed in both cases. On the other hand, addictions are masks, it seems. Why else would you develop an addiction unless you were running from some emotion. On the other hand, I run from emotions all the time with things that are similar to addictions. I don't do this nearly so often anymore, but I still do. I overindulge in food and alcohol. The food is to punish myself while simultaneously producing feelings of pleasure. Very strange experience. The alcohol is generally to loosen up and avoid my problems and have fun instead of dwelling on them. But still, it remains that we have very different lifestyles that don't mesh well.
5) Also dealing with casey being a stoner means that most of the time that I spend with him, he's high. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I have doubts about our ability to create an authentic connection while he is running from something. This is not to say that I'm not running from anything. But his running is constant and very obvious to me. I wonder what he's running from. This is something that we should discuss I think.
6) It's also always vaguely bothered me that he doesn't seem to be growing as a result of our relationship, and I have done so much growing that I barely recognize myself because of the mirror that he's put up to me. It worries me that he might be in this just for the security because I haven't challenged him much at all. Perhaps I'm wrong about this though. I'll talk to him about this too.
So, for