School
Holy shit, today was almost the fucking worst day I've had in a really long time. I went this morning to my appointment with the school board at 11:40, just like I was supposed to, and tried to sign up for MCR3U (grade 11 university-level math, 'Functions and Relations') - whereupon I was promptly informed that the class was full and there were seven people ahead of me on the waiting list. I was so upset. (I mean, I guess it was a good sign that I was so upset - I think it shows that, despite the severity of the anxiety, I at least on some level really, really want to go back to school.) Like, I literally cannot describe how utterly devastated I was. I almost cried. So, she put me on the waiting list for MCR3U, and in the meantime I signed up for MCF3M instead (which is university/college level math, 'Functions' - which is not that bad, but I need to take 'Calculus and Vectors' in order to get into a BSc program, and you HAVE to take 'Functions and Relations' to get into 'Calculus and Vectors' - they won't let you in with just 'Functions'). I got home, called Ryan and gave him the bad news, and though we discussed him possibly switching into my class, we ultimately decided that it wouldn't really be the best move for him, since he needs MCR3U (because he is also trying to get into a BSc program), so I was like, okay, yeah, I understand not wanting to derail your education just to take ONE fucking class with a friend, so maybe we can get together once a week or something to do our homework together. I cannot possibly write in words how devastated and disappointed I was, like - here I was, five years out of high school, finally having made the first (technically fourth) attempt to go back to school, and it failed. All of the effort and courage and hope I had been putting into this attempt meant nothing. I was starting to think that maybe I was just meant to be a failure who never went back to school and sat on disability doing fuck all forever - but then I remembered something.
So I called Ryan back and asked my dad if he would be willing to drive us all the way back downtown to speak with the admissions counselors, and of course he said yes, so we went and picked up Ryan and drive back down to Albert Street. We talked to the woman and - JACKPOT! THE CHEMISTRY CLASS WASN'T FULL YET. So, Ryan and I both dropped the math class and signed up for SCH3U (which is grade 11 university-level chemistry) instead. Oh my God, I was so fucking excited (and still am), which is a great sign, in my opinion. I can't possibly express how excited I am to be going back to school. This is the culmination of all of the effort I've been putting into getting well over the last five years, and now it's finally happening for me. I am so excited. And I'm even more excited that I get to take this class with Ryan. I looked up the prerequisites for a BSc program, and they are as follows (posted from the website of Carleton University):
Major (if applicable):
Biochemistry, Bioinformatics, Biology, Biotechnology, Chemistry, Computational Sciences, Food Science and Nutrition, Nanoscience, Neuroscience, Neuroscience and Mental Health, Psychology
Required Courses:
--In other words, we were going to have to take SCH3U at some point anyway, so it's not as if we're going off on a totally different course here just to take this class together. All in all, we have to take about six classes (though I technically could get away with taking only three, since I've already taken three of the required courses for a BSc). So we have to take grade 11 academic biology, chemistry, and math, and then three additional credits (which we are going to use to take grade 11 academic physics, grade 12 academic math, and then something else, I don't know.. but I'm probably also going to go on to take grade 12 academic biology, chemistry and physics too, just because I want to be as well-prepared for university as possible).
ANYWAY! So, I'm just really fucking excited to be getting back to school, and even more excited to be doing it with Ryan. He can provide me with moral support and then I'll help him with the course load. The only thing I'm a little concerned about is that I'm not sure whether or not disability would cut me off, since I'm trying to go back to school. I don't think they would, I mean.. going to night school and taking two classes a week =/= being able to work full-time. I'm confident in my ability to do well, but I'm kind of scared of chemistry in particular, because this was the class that triggered my anxiety, and I really don't want a repeat of that. It's funny.. just a few months ago, Mariah was starting college and it looked like she was going to beat me, and I was embarrassed at my lack of ability to work and go to school. Now the tables have completely turned and I'm the one who's doing well, making the effort and heading uphill.
Mr. Hayes would have been proud of me.
But that's a whole different LiveJournal entry and I'll talk about that another time.
So I called Ryan back and asked my dad if he would be willing to drive us all the way back downtown to speak with the admissions counselors, and of course he said yes, so we went and picked up Ryan and drive back down to Albert Street. We talked to the woman and - JACKPOT! THE CHEMISTRY CLASS WASN'T FULL YET. So, Ryan and I both dropped the math class and signed up for SCH3U (which is grade 11 university-level chemistry) instead. Oh my God, I was so fucking excited (and still am), which is a great sign, in my opinion. I can't possibly express how excited I am to be going back to school. This is the culmination of all of the effort I've been putting into getting well over the last five years, and now it's finally happening for me. I am so excited. And I'm even more excited that I get to take this class with Ryan. I looked up the prerequisites for a BSc program, and they are as follows (posted from the website of Carleton University):
Major (if applicable):
Biochemistry, Bioinformatics, Biology, Biotechnology, Chemistry, Computational Sciences, Food Science and Nutrition, Nanoscience, Neuroscience, Neuroscience and Mental Health, Psychology
Required Courses:
- Advanced Functions
- 2 credits from Biology, Chemistry, Earth and Space Science or Physics
- 3 additional credits
*Calculus and Vectors strongly recommended
--In other words, we were going to have to take SCH3U at some point anyway, so it's not as if we're going off on a totally different course here just to take this class together. All in all, we have to take about six classes (though I technically could get away with taking only three, since I've already taken three of the required courses for a BSc). So we have to take grade 11 academic biology, chemistry, and math, and then three additional credits (which we are going to use to take grade 11 academic physics, grade 12 academic math, and then something else, I don't know.. but I'm probably also going to go on to take grade 12 academic biology, chemistry and physics too, just because I want to be as well-prepared for university as possible).
ANYWAY! So, I'm just really fucking excited to be getting back to school, and even more excited to be doing it with Ryan. He can provide me with moral support and then I'll help him with the course load. The only thing I'm a little concerned about is that I'm not sure whether or not disability would cut me off, since I'm trying to go back to school. I don't think they would, I mean.. going to night school and taking two classes a week =/= being able to work full-time. I'm confident in my ability to do well, but I'm kind of scared of chemistry in particular, because this was the class that triggered my anxiety, and I really don't want a repeat of that. It's funny.. just a few months ago, Mariah was starting college and it looked like she was going to beat me, and I was embarrassed at my lack of ability to work and go to school. Now the tables have completely turned and I'm the one who's doing well, making the effort and heading uphill.
Mr. Hayes would have been proud of me.
But that's a whole different LiveJournal entry and I'll talk about that another time.