Of mice and men.
I really, really, really miss him. It hurts more than I can possibly describe to have to fall asleep every night without him in bed beside me. It's easier when we can talk because we get into a routine where his voice is the last thing I hear before I pass out, so he lulls me to sleep every night, and then when he has to get up early for work, he usually calls me on break (typically around 9:30 AM), so he's also the first thing I hear when I wake up in the morning. I wish we could find a way to NOT fucking talk for four hours a day (thus spending all of our money within a week), but we just.. can't.. seem to regulate our phone usage. I've never been able to control myself when it came to him. Moderation has never been a part of our relationship. It's all or nothing, black or white, love or hate. It's very intense and passionate and it always has been, but sometimes, I kind of wish we could.. I don't know, cool it down so that we could.. not necessarily save money, but make it so that we could talk for a little bit every day, not a lot for a short amount of time and then not be able to talk at all for weeks at a time. I have $250 left, but the fucking postal workers are on strike and aren't being mandated back to work for at least another week, so we won't be able to talk for at least two weeks (since the money takes 7-14 days to get there).
Oh my God, I'm such a fag. I always made fun of girls who were all "TEE HEE HEE BLUSH I'M SO IN LOVE", and I AM one of those. Then again, I suppose it's because I can (quite pretentiously) say that it's because we're more legit than other couples although, of course, other couples would disagree and insist that they're more in love than any other couple, etc., etc. I feel like such a douche. But I can't help it, fuck. I cry every single fucking night when I get into bed because he isn't in it. For some reason, I seem to be getting worse at coping with his absences, although it could just be because I'm ovulating right now, I dunno. I just.. don't.. I don't know how, or if, I can put up with another four years of this. I feel like I can't deal with things unless he's there. Thank God he was there when Basil passed away on the 8th, because I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to deal with it. The anxiety that I had in the two or three weeks preceding his death was probably just about the worst anxiety I think I've ever experienced, and certainly the worst anxiety I've had since I dropped out of school. I found myself thinking things and doing ritualistic behaviors that I've NEVER done before. Things that I've heard other people in group talk about, but couldn't empathize with them because I'd never had any of those symptoms before. Things like.. like, a couple weeks ago, I was in bed trying to sleep, and I heard a bunch of sirens and police cars and shit a few blocks away. I knew my dad was out and I started thinking, "Oh my God, what if it was my dad? What if he had a heart attack or something?", and my heart was pounding SO FUCKING HARD pumping me full of adrenaline that I LITERALLY could not fucking sleep because I was SO worried about my dad. I actually could not get back to sleep until I got up and called my dad just to check on him and make sure he was fine. And then I was thinking, "What if he's out because he's burying Basil's corpse?", so I got back up and went downstairs to check and make sure Basil was still alive, and then went back to bed (and couldn't fall asleep for like, two fucking hours because of all the adrenaline). I mean, obviously my dads' and pets' health has always been something that I worried tremendously about, but it's NEVER been to the point where I actually was like, on the verge of having a panic attack over something that was literally just an idea. There was no proof whatsoever that my dad was dead, or that Basil was dead, but I just could not convince myself that they were fine until I got up and checked.
I think the anxiety is actually getting worse and I don't know why because I'm not doing anything. The past two weeks have been okay, though, since the thing that I was dreading the most (Basil's death) has already passed, and so I have (almost) nothing to anticipate having to worry about recently. I just.. kind of.. wish I could talk to Brandon, because he has this way of easing the worrying and bringing me back to the moment that's really, really helpful.
..Yeah. I'm sure you guys are pretty tired of hearing about the same shit over and over again, so I'm gonna stfu now. Really looking forward to my next appointment with Carolynn. She's really good and very knowledgeable, and she gives me suggestions that are realistic and tailored to my specific, uh.. manifestation of anxiety, I guess, and she's very perceptive, so I know that she's not just giving me the usual type of anxiety mumbo-jumbo that I get from group therapy and psychiatrists and shit.
..Also, I really want Brandon to fuck me.
I apologize for the language. I can't help it, I'm ovulating.
Oh my God, I'm such a fag. I always made fun of girls who were all "TEE HEE HEE BLUSH I'M SO IN LOVE", and I AM one of those. Then again, I suppose it's because I can (quite pretentiously) say that it's because we're more legit than other couples although, of course, other couples would disagree and insist that they're more in love than any other couple, etc., etc. I feel like such a douche. But I can't help it, fuck. I cry every single fucking night when I get into bed because he isn't in it. For some reason, I seem to be getting worse at coping with his absences, although it could just be because I'm ovulating right now, I dunno. I just.. don't.. I don't know how, or if, I can put up with another four years of this. I feel like I can't deal with things unless he's there. Thank God he was there when Basil passed away on the 8th, because I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to deal with it. The anxiety that I had in the two or three weeks preceding his death was probably just about the worst anxiety I think I've ever experienced, and certainly the worst anxiety I've had since I dropped out of school. I found myself thinking things and doing ritualistic behaviors that I've NEVER done before. Things that I've heard other people in group talk about, but couldn't empathize with them because I'd never had any of those symptoms before. Things like.. like, a couple weeks ago, I was in bed trying to sleep, and I heard a bunch of sirens and police cars and shit a few blocks away. I knew my dad was out and I started thinking, "Oh my God, what if it was my dad? What if he had a heart attack or something?", and my heart was pounding SO FUCKING HARD pumping me full of adrenaline that I LITERALLY could not fucking sleep because I was SO worried about my dad. I actually could not get back to sleep until I got up and called my dad just to check on him and make sure he was fine. And then I was thinking, "What if he's out because he's burying Basil's corpse?", so I got back up and went downstairs to check and make sure Basil was still alive, and then went back to bed (and couldn't fall asleep for like, two fucking hours because of all the adrenaline). I mean, obviously my dads' and pets' health has always been something that I worried tremendously about, but it's NEVER been to the point where I actually was like, on the verge of having a panic attack over something that was literally just an idea. There was no proof whatsoever that my dad was dead, or that Basil was dead, but I just could not convince myself that they were fine until I got up and checked.
I think the anxiety is actually getting worse and I don't know why because I'm not doing anything. The past two weeks have been okay, though, since the thing that I was dreading the most (Basil's death) has already passed, and so I have (almost) nothing to anticipate having to worry about recently. I just.. kind of.. wish I could talk to Brandon, because he has this way of easing the worrying and bringing me back to the moment that's really, really helpful.
..Yeah. I'm sure you guys are pretty tired of hearing about the same shit over and over again, so I'm gonna stfu now. Really looking forward to my next appointment with Carolynn. She's really good and very knowledgeable, and she gives me suggestions that are realistic and tailored to my specific, uh.. manifestation of anxiety, I guess, and she's very perceptive, so I know that she's not just giving me the usual type of anxiety mumbo-jumbo that I get from group therapy and psychiatrists and shit.
..Also, I really want Brandon to fuck me.
I apologize for the language. I can't help it, I'm ovulating.