Confusing day.
He called again today. We fell right back into the old routine, the way we used to talk.. it was so easy to slip back into it. God, the way he says some things. He says "okay" the same way. The way he says, "Hey, baby.." and.. the way he always clears his throat before he says "I love you". I almost couldn't say it, almost. I said it really quietly, right after I said his name, and I didn't think he heard me, but then I knew he did because he couldn't say anything after.
It's.. it's really hard knowing that even if I get to talk to him every day, it still won't be enough.. and that realistically, it'll probably only be twice a week. Ugh. A week ago I would have said, there's no fucking way I'm ready to talk to him, but now.. like, honestly. UGH. It's so fucking expensive, too, but I don't even care, I really don't, I'll spend my entire paycheck on it. I really, really, really need to hear his voice outside of my memories. I love his voice so fucking much, it's so.. deep, and.. the way he says some things.. mm. ..Uh, anyway.. so, I don't know. The past couple of days have been a bit difficult, stirring up some emotions that I didn't even really.. know that I had anymore, but.. I'm glad. I tried for the past four years to bury how I felt about him, but I can't anymore, I just can't. It's been seven years. There's nothing I can do about it.
Anyway. The only other thing I have to say is..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHRISTIAN!
..Also, I have a really bad fucking headache. Ugh.
It's.. it's really hard knowing that even if I get to talk to him every day, it still won't be enough.. and that realistically, it'll probably only be twice a week. Ugh. A week ago I would have said, there's no fucking way I'm ready to talk to him, but now.. like, honestly. UGH. It's so fucking expensive, too, but I don't even care, I really don't, I'll spend my entire paycheck on it. I really, really, really need to hear his voice outside of my memories. I love his voice so fucking much, it's so.. deep, and.. the way he says some things.. mm. ..Uh, anyway.. so, I don't know. The past couple of days have been a bit difficult, stirring up some emotions that I didn't even really.. know that I had anymore, but.. I'm glad. I tried for the past four years to bury how I felt about him, but I can't anymore, I just can't. It's been seven years. There's nothing I can do about it.
Anyway. The only other thing I have to say is..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHRISTIAN!
..Also, I have a really bad fucking headache. Ugh.