To Tara, the end. Lesson learned.
This is the entire message I sent to Tara. She deleted me instantly, and I'm sure off MSN too, because obviously I can do a lot less damage if none of her friends or boyfriends can see anything I wrote in her journal.. though I have no doubt that I'll get a ton of "anonymous" comments on this from her "brothers" and "sisters" and other various fanboys who she has trapped under her thumb. So, this is the whole thing. I don't really know why I decided to post this, though I'm sure more than one person will say it was to perpetuate drama. Either way, here it is. It was sort of cathartic to write because I know that we will never speak again and I just wanted to say everything that I ever wanted to say (but knew that there was absolutely no point in saying it). So, here it is. (The edit was made after I realized that she deleted me so that I couldn't comment on her LJ.)
Edit: Wow, you deleted me, so obviously there is no way this can be public.. and I’m sure that’s exactly how you want it. Can't have anyone seeing this, can we? This is obviously in response to the last entry that you made.
Don't forget histrionic personality disorder and despite the fact that you're "trying to change and we shouldn't hold your past against you", LESS THAN ONE WEEK AGO you were telling us that you got pregnant from a rape, that your subsequent abortion failed, that you had to have heart surgery (which we heard multiple stories about) and some kind of vague story about "toxicity problems" in which the details were few and far between.
I'm not trying to attack you, but I definitely feel COMPLETELY ripped off because I put a lot more into our apparently fake friendship than I got in return. I don't know whether you have legitimate problems or whether you're a shell of a person who pretends to have the ability to empathize with other people and give a shit about anybody but yourself. I feel like at the end of the day, you clung to me because I was another person you could get attention and sympathy from, while at times I genuinely cared about you and liked you and you couldn't even bring yourself to NOT tell us really dramatic lies while, say, I'd just gotten home from being in a homeless shelter, or Mariah had just come home from the hospital after having a lupus flare-up, while Amanda was barely coping with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, while Mike was in the middle of anaphylactic shock and you were pretending to be having a coughing fit from some rare lung disease.
Ugh. I don't even know what I'm saying. I don't know whether I have a point or whether I'm just trying to hurt you, or bring up all the shit that I recently checkered my references on and found out were lies. I don't know. I HOPE I'm not just trying to hurt you, because at one point I really did care about you and I don't want to be the person who lashes out at people unnecessarily. But I feel like I was used, lied to, cheated, and that I never got to say what I wanted to say, because I knew that no matter how much proof I gave, you would deny it all and just say "I'M TRYING TO CHANGE, YOU CAN'T ACCEPT MY PAST THEN GTFO, I CAN'T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE BEING LIKE THIS" and etc., etc. I don't know. I don't understand why you would do this, like honestly. How hard is it to just be a supportive friend instead of trying to turn the entire relationship around so that it's me supporting you, giving you attention, feeling sorry for you, giving you empathy, all the time instead of, I don't know, being friends, supporting each other, being there for each other, having a regular conversation? I'm not sure that we've ever had one single conversation where there wasn't some sort of crisis on your end that required a large amount of emotional support from me, even if I was in the middle of having an extremely bad time. Then again, it's naive to think that one person can be everything that you need in a relationship, and idk. I guess if you expect things out of people you're always going to be hurt and disappointed, and I suppose it was wrong of me to expect you to, I don't know, be honest and supportive instead of channeling all of the energy of our friendship into getting attention. I'm sorry, maybe you do have legitimate problems.. at this point, anything you told me would be automatically met with suspicion for obvious reason - but I just don't buy the wounded puppy act. I don't buy that this was a subconscious decision made on your part to protect yourself from those mean, mean people on the other side of the wall. Your lies were CLEARLY a conscious decision made on your part in an attempt to get attention and sympathy, and you can bleat "it's all in the past" all you want, but let's face it: before I accidentally stumbled upon the inconsistencies in your stories to me and Mariah, I was still buying your lies up to LESS THAN A WEEK AGO. I'm sorry that this is probably over because there were points when I really liked you and considered visiting you this summer and whatnot, but even though I'd like to be friends again, I just know that no matter how thoroughly we patch this up, I will never be able to trust you again. I will never be able to listen to a story about you getting robbed and having three ribs broken and your phone stolen, though I texted you three hours later and you responded. I'll never believe you if you tell me that your oven exploded in your face and singed off your eyebrows when you upload pictures half a week later where your eyebrows and bangs are untouched. I will never, ever buy another story where you get a rat and it gets mauled two days after (right after I ask for pictures of it) and you end up with a rabbit less than a week later (even though you're not allowed to have pets in the apartment and your dog just finished mauling another small mammal?). And I'm pretty sure that no matter how many times you tell me you're on disability and welfare for anxiety and borderline personality disorder (which, incidentally, has NOTHING to do with split personalities), or tell Mariah that you have a job, I will never believe that your dad and grandmother (who apparently molested and beat you) are not paying the majority of your rent.
Ugh. I'm not trying to be mean, or injure you, or maybe I am. I don't know what the fuck I'm trying to say in this entry. To be honest, I'm just really fucking hurt and pissed off and upset that you felt the need to lie to me and treat me like.. like I'm some other member of your Internet harem of boys who you think you have wrapped around your little finger. And maybe those boys will always do what you tell them to and follow you to the ends of the Earth and NEVER questions your stories, I just can't be one of those people. I can't look the other way at a questionable tale with huge plot gaps and glaring inconsistencies. And as much as I would love to, I just can't trust you anymore.
I guess that's all I wanted to say, or whatever I was trying to say. Feel free to delete this if you want, I don't care. I just wanted you to know how I felt and I hope I adequately expressed that without being too much of a bitch about it, because that isn't my intention. I just feel like I never got to say what I wanted after everything went down and this is basically my last chance to, because I really want to move on and put this behind me. We all learned a lesson from it - well, I know I did, and Mariah, and Amanda, and Mike. I don't know what you learned, except maybe to be a little more consistent with your lies to avoid this sort of a situation in the future, but I'd like to think that what you wrote in your LJ was true, that you acknowledge your bullshit and try to fix it (though the entire first paragraph is a giant fucking lie, so I guess you HAVEN'T learned anything..?). Anyway. That is all. I just wanted you to know that I did care about you, no matter how many times Amanda questioned my loyalty to you (which was a lot), and no matter how much my honesty and bluntness may have upset you, I really was doing it with your best interest at heart. Hopefully you can find another person who will offer that to you, because I really, really think you need a person around who is going to give you honest feedback instead of placating you with sugar lies and telling you what they think you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. I genuinely hope that you seek help for this (after some research we feel like you probably have some variant of histrionic personality disorder, though we obviously are not doctors), and that eventually your life will be as successful and fulfilling as you want it to be. If you can even feel those things. I didn't mean to write this much, but I really do hope you find whatever you seem to be missing.
-Holly
So, lesson learned, and learned well. The moral of the story is this: if you don't trust anyone, you'll never be disappointed. None of that shit about how you're never really living until you've cared about someone, etc., etc. I don't even have to steal characters from my favorite anime shows to make up split personalities to pretend that I'm protecting myself. All I have to do is not trust anyone, something you told me I would never have to do with you, because you knew what it was like to be hurt, too. Turns out you were the snake in the garden all along.
Edit: Wow, you deleted me, so obviously there is no way this can be public.. and I’m sure that’s exactly how you want it. Can't have anyone seeing this, can we? This is obviously in response to the last entry that you made.
Don't forget histrionic personality disorder and despite the fact that you're "trying to change and we shouldn't hold your past against you", LESS THAN ONE WEEK AGO you were telling us that you got pregnant from a rape, that your subsequent abortion failed, that you had to have heart surgery (which we heard multiple stories about) and some kind of vague story about "toxicity problems" in which the details were few and far between.
I'm not trying to attack you, but I definitely feel COMPLETELY ripped off because I put a lot more into our apparently fake friendship than I got in return. I don't know whether you have legitimate problems or whether you're a shell of a person who pretends to have the ability to empathize with other people and give a shit about anybody but yourself. I feel like at the end of the day, you clung to me because I was another person you could get attention and sympathy from, while at times I genuinely cared about you and liked you and you couldn't even bring yourself to NOT tell us really dramatic lies while, say, I'd just gotten home from being in a homeless shelter, or Mariah had just come home from the hospital after having a lupus flare-up, while Amanda was barely coping with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, while Mike was in the middle of anaphylactic shock and you were pretending to be having a coughing fit from some rare lung disease.
Ugh. I don't even know what I'm saying. I don't know whether I have a point or whether I'm just trying to hurt you, or bring up all the shit that I recently checkered my references on and found out were lies. I don't know. I HOPE I'm not just trying to hurt you, because at one point I really did care about you and I don't want to be the person who lashes out at people unnecessarily. But I feel like I was used, lied to, cheated, and that I never got to say what I wanted to say, because I knew that no matter how much proof I gave, you would deny it all and just say "I'M TRYING TO CHANGE, YOU CAN'T ACCEPT MY PAST THEN GTFO, I CAN'T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE BEING LIKE THIS" and etc., etc. I don't know. I don't understand why you would do this, like honestly. How hard is it to just be a supportive friend instead of trying to turn the entire relationship around so that it's me supporting you, giving you attention, feeling sorry for you, giving you empathy, all the time instead of, I don't know, being friends, supporting each other, being there for each other, having a regular conversation? I'm not sure that we've ever had one single conversation where there wasn't some sort of crisis on your end that required a large amount of emotional support from me, even if I was in the middle of having an extremely bad time. Then again, it's naive to think that one person can be everything that you need in a relationship, and idk. I guess if you expect things out of people you're always going to be hurt and disappointed, and I suppose it was wrong of me to expect you to, I don't know, be honest and supportive instead of channeling all of the energy of our friendship into getting attention. I'm sorry, maybe you do have legitimate problems.. at this point, anything you told me would be automatically met with suspicion for obvious reason - but I just don't buy the wounded puppy act. I don't buy that this was a subconscious decision made on your part to protect yourself from those mean, mean people on the other side of the wall. Your lies were CLEARLY a conscious decision made on your part in an attempt to get attention and sympathy, and you can bleat "it's all in the past" all you want, but let's face it: before I accidentally stumbled upon the inconsistencies in your stories to me and Mariah, I was still buying your lies up to LESS THAN A WEEK AGO. I'm sorry that this is probably over because there were points when I really liked you and considered visiting you this summer and whatnot, but even though I'd like to be friends again, I just know that no matter how thoroughly we patch this up, I will never be able to trust you again. I will never be able to listen to a story about you getting robbed and having three ribs broken and your phone stolen, though I texted you three hours later and you responded. I'll never believe you if you tell me that your oven exploded in your face and singed off your eyebrows when you upload pictures half a week later where your eyebrows and bangs are untouched. I will never, ever buy another story where you get a rat and it gets mauled two days after (right after I ask for pictures of it) and you end up with a rabbit less than a week later (even though you're not allowed to have pets in the apartment and your dog just finished mauling another small mammal?). And I'm pretty sure that no matter how many times you tell me you're on disability and welfare for anxiety and borderline personality disorder (which, incidentally, has NOTHING to do with split personalities), or tell Mariah that you have a job, I will never believe that your dad and grandmother (who apparently molested and beat you) are not paying the majority of your rent.
Ugh. I'm not trying to be mean, or injure you, or maybe I am. I don't know what the fuck I'm trying to say in this entry. To be honest, I'm just really fucking hurt and pissed off and upset that you felt the need to lie to me and treat me like.. like I'm some other member of your Internet harem of boys who you think you have wrapped around your little finger. And maybe those boys will always do what you tell them to and follow you to the ends of the Earth and NEVER questions your stories, I just can't be one of those people. I can't look the other way at a questionable tale with huge plot gaps and glaring inconsistencies. And as much as I would love to, I just can't trust you anymore.
I guess that's all I wanted to say, or whatever I was trying to say. Feel free to delete this if you want, I don't care. I just wanted you to know how I felt and I hope I adequately expressed that without being too much of a bitch about it, because that isn't my intention. I just feel like I never got to say what I wanted after everything went down and this is basically my last chance to, because I really want to move on and put this behind me. We all learned a lesson from it - well, I know I did, and Mariah, and Amanda, and Mike. I don't know what you learned, except maybe to be a little more consistent with your lies to avoid this sort of a situation in the future, but I'd like to think that what you wrote in your LJ was true, that you acknowledge your bullshit and try to fix it (though the entire first paragraph is a giant fucking lie, so I guess you HAVEN'T learned anything..?). Anyway. That is all. I just wanted you to know that I did care about you, no matter how many times Amanda questioned my loyalty to you (which was a lot), and no matter how much my honesty and bluntness may have upset you, I really was doing it with your best interest at heart. Hopefully you can find another person who will offer that to you, because I really, really think you need a person around who is going to give you honest feedback instead of placating you with sugar lies and telling you what they think you want to hear instead of what you need to hear. I genuinely hope that you seek help for this (after some research we feel like you probably have some variant of histrionic personality disorder, though we obviously are not doctors), and that eventually your life will be as successful and fulfilling as you want it to be. If you can even feel those things. I didn't mean to write this much, but I really do hope you find whatever you seem to be missing.
-Holly
So, lesson learned, and learned well. The moral of the story is this: if you don't trust anyone, you'll never be disappointed. None of that shit about how you're never really living until you've cared about someone, etc., etc. I don't even have to steal characters from my favorite anime shows to make up split personalities to pretend that I'm protecting myself. All I have to do is not trust anyone, something you told me I would never have to do with you, because you knew what it was like to be hurt, too. Turns out you were the snake in the garden all along.