Will the Feds Bust Santa Claus?
by George Getz
When Santa Claus comes to town this week, he'd better watch out --
because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and
checking it twice), the Libertarian Party warned today.
"Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything,"
said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. "The feds know when
Santa's been bad or good -- and he's been bad, for goodness sakes."
Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should
he be making license plates?
Yes, said Getz, if he's held to the same standards as a typical American.
For example:
* Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses
the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed
contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection
by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what's in all those brightly colored
packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug Czar and Homeland Security
want to know.
* Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a
custom-built sleigh that hasn't been approved by the FAA. He never files a
flight plan. He has no pilot's license. In the dark of night, he rides the
skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him -- a clear
violation of traffic safety regulations.
* Pulling Santa's sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected
species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their
required shots, and Santa's never bothered to get these genetically-
engineered animals registered and licensed. It's no wonder: He keeps them
penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws.
* But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals
-- he's hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn't Santa's
Workshop really Santa's Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don't
make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never
inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation
that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love.
* No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy
distribution industry: He's cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa
dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush
all competition -- just like Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Antitrust
Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas?
The bottom line, said Getz: "It might be tough sledding for Jolly St.
Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him.
"We're just surprised it hasn't already happened. After all, Santa Claus
is everything that politicians aren't: He's popular, reliable, and gives
us something for nothing every December 25th -- instead of taking our
money every April 15th."
When Santa Claus comes to town this week, he'd better watch out --
because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and
checking it twice), the Libertarian Party warned today.
"Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything,"
said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. "The feds know when
Santa's been bad or good -- and he's been bad, for goodness sakes."
Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should
he be making license plates?
Yes, said Getz, if he's held to the same standards as a typical American.
For example:
* Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses
the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed
contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection
by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what's in all those brightly colored
packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug Czar and Homeland Security
want to know.
* Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a
custom-built sleigh that hasn't been approved by the FAA. He never files a
flight plan. He has no pilot's license. In the dark of night, he rides the
skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him -- a clear
violation of traffic safety regulations.
* Pulling Santa's sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected
species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their
required shots, and Santa's never bothered to get these genetically-
engineered animals registered and licensed. It's no wonder: He keeps them
penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws.
* But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals
-- he's hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn't Santa's
Workshop really Santa's Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don't
make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never
inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation
that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love.
* No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy
distribution industry: He's cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa
dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush
all competition -- just like Microsoft's Internet Explorer. Antitrust
Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas?
The bottom line, said Getz: "It might be tough sledding for Jolly St.
Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him.
"We're just surprised it hasn't already happened. After all, Santa Claus
is everything that politicians aren't: He's popular, reliable, and gives
us something for nothing every December 25th -- instead of taking our
money every April 15th."