introduction
Hey all, I've been lurking here for a while and finally decided to come out of the woodwork. I'm 18, pre-everything, and facing a whole hell of a lot of confusion and anxiety right now. Please, if you guys can help in any way, I'd appreciate it. I go in detail under the cut:
So I've identified as male throughout my entire life. Until this summer, despite having seen the occasional TV program about transgender people, I never knew there were any options for me, and I thought I just had to deal with living in a female body. I knew there were surgeries to change your outward appearance, but I didn't know about T or anything (and when I did find out about that, I spent days on end doing nothing but watching trans guys' videos on Youtube.)
In middle school I cut my hair short and started being "mistaken" as a guy. I loved it. To the point that when people would read me as female I'd get pissed off. But to make a long story short, it made me uncomfortable around my family members, so I let it grow out again. But since I'm really low maintenance, I still sometimes have trouble passing as female. I tried to embrace my femininity after that, found out it's pretty much nonexistent and thus hated myself all through high school (I thought there was something seriously wrong with me). Now, I've graduated, and as all my friends are going off to college, I'm jealously watching them from afar. I told myself I needed to take a gap year to distance myself from a school environment because of how goddamn hard it was for me. Grades were never a problem; learning was the one thing I could enjoy about going to school. Everything else sucked, because of how poorly I fitted in.
Over the summer, my gender identity issues really started creeping up on me again. One night I lay in bed, thinking about and losing sleep over it for the first time in years. Once and for all, I decided I needed to do something about it. That's when I learned about transitioning. It all happened so fast, and as soon as I knew there was that option for me I started feeling so much better. I told my brother, who's only fourteen months younger than me--we've always been close and he took it totally in stride. I came out to one of my best friends after that and she was even cooler with it. I can't believe how lucky I am to know such good people.
Then I told my mom. I think she's about as clueless about this as I used to be. She cried a lot (which devastated me, because we've always been close, too, and I'm the only 'daughter' out of four kids which still makes me feel guilty) and she told me that "You can't get an operation." I didn't want to just blatantly tell her that I was transgender--I wanted to make her feel like she was part of my process of self-discovery. But she asked me so many questions that it didn't really work the way I wanted. I had to push her to call a gender therapist for me. I think she thinks that if she ignores the problem it'll go away. I told her that I'd been doing that my whole life and it didn't work, but she won't listen and it's hard to bring up the subject.
She's doing the same thing my brother did at first: "Well, who cares how other people see you? It's fine if you're not a feminine girl, just find your own style, blah blah." (I got my brother to understand me though, because he doesn't mind talking about it, whereas my mom does.) She also thinks it's more of a sexuality thing: "Maybe you're just gay." Also, she's big on viewing this from a religious stance, and I really didn't want to tell her I'm trans, agnostic, and bisexual all in the same breath.
Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I had one session with a therapist so far and want to schedule another one; my mom said to just call him myself since I'm eighteen, so I'll be doing that soon. I really want her support, but I'm nervous about my future. There is no way I can see myself continuing in a female body. I need to go to college, but I want to attend as male, and I don't think it's possible that I could achieve that in time for the next school year. I think it'll take her some time to come around, and it's killing me to have this silence between us. We've been going on as if I never told her anything. Sometimes I just want to ask if we can talk, but every time I so much as bring up a subject like that she kind of freaks out. My therapist says she sounds like she'll be able to pull through eventually, and he'll talk to her at our next session (which she is willing to do). So I'm not too hopeless here. But it's hard to wait.
Incidentally, I live in Orlando, Florida. If anyone knows any resources around this area I'd be eternally grateful if you'd let me know. I also want a binder--I'm pretty small-chested, which I'm thankful for. I'm not sure what size I am...like a 34B or something? The bad deal is I'm only five feet tall, and my height's been one of my worst sources of dysphoria for as long as I can remember. :| I can handle all that though. I'm trying to keep as positive an attitude as possible.
Sorry this is such a long post (it's probably kind of jumbled up and messy too, just like my head) but I'd be grateful for any sort of help at all. Thanks for taking the time to read this, guys.
So I've identified as male throughout my entire life. Until this summer, despite having seen the occasional TV program about transgender people, I never knew there were any options for me, and I thought I just had to deal with living in a female body. I knew there were surgeries to change your outward appearance, but I didn't know about T or anything (and when I did find out about that, I spent days on end doing nothing but watching trans guys' videos on Youtube.)
In middle school I cut my hair short and started being "mistaken" as a guy. I loved it. To the point that when people would read me as female I'd get pissed off. But to make a long story short, it made me uncomfortable around my family members, so I let it grow out again. But since I'm really low maintenance, I still sometimes have trouble passing as female. I tried to embrace my femininity after that, found out it's pretty much nonexistent and thus hated myself all through high school (I thought there was something seriously wrong with me). Now, I've graduated, and as all my friends are going off to college, I'm jealously watching them from afar. I told myself I needed to take a gap year to distance myself from a school environment because of how goddamn hard it was for me. Grades were never a problem; learning was the one thing I could enjoy about going to school. Everything else sucked, because of how poorly I fitted in.
Over the summer, my gender identity issues really started creeping up on me again. One night I lay in bed, thinking about and losing sleep over it for the first time in years. Once and for all, I decided I needed to do something about it. That's when I learned about transitioning. It all happened so fast, and as soon as I knew there was that option for me I started feeling so much better. I told my brother, who's only fourteen months younger than me--we've always been close and he took it totally in stride. I came out to one of my best friends after that and she was even cooler with it. I can't believe how lucky I am to know such good people.
Then I told my mom. I think she's about as clueless about this as I used to be. She cried a lot (which devastated me, because we've always been close, too, and I'm the only 'daughter' out of four kids which still makes me feel guilty) and she told me that "You can't get an operation." I didn't want to just blatantly tell her that I was transgender--I wanted to make her feel like she was part of my process of self-discovery. But she asked me so many questions that it didn't really work the way I wanted. I had to push her to call a gender therapist for me. I think she thinks that if she ignores the problem it'll go away. I told her that I'd been doing that my whole life and it didn't work, but she won't listen and it's hard to bring up the subject.
She's doing the same thing my brother did at first: "Well, who cares how other people see you? It's fine if you're not a feminine girl, just find your own style, blah blah." (I got my brother to understand me though, because he doesn't mind talking about it, whereas my mom does.) She also thinks it's more of a sexuality thing: "Maybe you're just gay." Also, she's big on viewing this from a religious stance, and I really didn't want to tell her I'm trans, agnostic, and bisexual all in the same breath.
Now I don't know where I'm going anymore. I had one session with a therapist so far and want to schedule another one; my mom said to just call him myself since I'm eighteen, so I'll be doing that soon. I really want her support, but I'm nervous about my future. There is no way I can see myself continuing in a female body. I need to go to college, but I want to attend as male, and I don't think it's possible that I could achieve that in time for the next school year. I think it'll take her some time to come around, and it's killing me to have this silence between us. We've been going on as if I never told her anything. Sometimes I just want to ask if we can talk, but every time I so much as bring up a subject like that she kind of freaks out. My therapist says she sounds like she'll be able to pull through eventually, and he'll talk to her at our next session (which she is willing to do). So I'm not too hopeless here. But it's hard to wait.
Incidentally, I live in Orlando, Florida. If anyone knows any resources around this area I'd be eternally grateful if you'd let me know. I also want a binder--I'm pretty small-chested, which I'm thankful for. I'm not sure what size I am...like a 34B or something? The bad deal is I'm only five feet tall, and my height's been one of my worst sources of dysphoria for as long as I can remember. :| I can handle all that though. I'm trying to keep as positive an attitude as possible.
Sorry this is such a long post (it's probably kind of jumbled up and messy too, just like my head) but I'd be grateful for any sort of help at all. Thanks for taking the time to read this, guys.