fic: the young and the foolish (2/2)
the young and the foolish. part two: a brief interlude.
what they say. what they don't say. what they will say. what they'll never say. kaya scolodario/megan prescott. lily loveless/kathryn prescott. 6713 words. pg-13.
“I don’t really ever understand myself.”
Megan looks up from the script. Kaya’s sitting on the railing of their balcony, feet dangling over the side. She’s staring off at nothing.
“What’s that?”
She looks at Meg. “You’re better off without me, you know.”
It was 2005 and Megan could taste the end of summer.
There was a quaint corner bookstore, a small secret just blocks from the main road, and she was running late, but felt compelled to go in and browse. She got purposely lost in the travel section, running her pinky along the shelves as she walked languidly down and back, putting places to the pictures and mapping out everywhere she was going to go.
Her finger was tracing along the letters p--o--r--t--u when she ran into her. Literally ran into, arms full of books, then all of them falling to the floor. “Shit - !”
“I’m so sorry,” Megan apologized, kneeling down to pick them up, just as the girl did the same.
“Totally okay, I wasn’t even looking.” The girl laughed and smiled up at her, and that was the first time Megan had seen her face.
She stopped short, stumbled, but eventually recovered. “That makes two of us.”
Books gathered into piles, placed on the table next to a reading chair. They stood, but neither moved to leave. Megan caught herself staring, eventually. The shock of blue in the girl’s eyes, the smile that pinched her cheeks -
“Thank you.” The girl looked at the shelves beside them. “Going on a trip?”
“No, not really. I just...like to look.”
“I’m the same.” Pause, an offered hand. “I’m Kaya.”
“Megan. So are you skipping school, too?”
“Oh, no, I’m actually - ” Kaya had paused for a moment, but a smile returned. Being schooled from home, actually.”
“Oh, that’s cool. Get sick of public, then?”
Kaya had pursed her lips, looked up at the ceiling in thought. “I guess you could say my life’s going in a direction that the school...isn’t.”
“Right.” Megan nodded, laughed, not entirely getting it. And what she’d realized from Kaya’s expression was that she wasn’t really supposed to.
She could hear the mischievous bubbling up into her voice it. “So I take it that means you’re skipping out, then?”
Megan held her index just slightly apart from her thumb. “A bit, yeah. I usually skip once a week. Half-day today, and mum’s out of town - ” She stopped, head dipping forward as she laughed, a touch of warmth in her dimples. “Sorry, over-share.”
They’d talked a while longer, but when Megan’s cell started buzzing, her mum’s name flashing on the screen, they’d left it at that.
A week later, though, she found herself in the exact same bookstore. And Kaya was there.
When Megan saw her, she simply smiled.
“Half-day?” Kaya had asked, oh so casually.
Megan had nodded. “Half-day.”
The awkwardness of adolescence had no place between them, everything was natural and open, it never occurring to either of them that there was stuff they couldn’t or shouldn’t say. And over time, things simply got easier. There were moments where Megan honestly felt more comfortable talking to her than to Kathryn.
But then, there were other moments. Quiet moments, where the silence felt heavy, displaced. Like something shifted between them, invisible but obtrusive. Like Kaya was keeping something from her. But Megan never asked after it, just did her best to push past and keep things going. If she’d asked, it might’ve sent her running.
And she was finding that she really, really liked having her around.
"You ever smoked?"
Megan shrugged, "Once. Hacked my lungs up."
"You didn't do it right."
"It's inhaling. I'm pretty sure - "
"God, you're stubborn," Kaya practically growled, but knows there's a softness there. She saw the smile in her eyes before it reaches her lips as the joint was passed over. "I'd imagine you're going too fast. It's smoke, your lungs don't like it. Think of it as sneaking it past without your throat realizing."
Meg cocks an eyebrow.
"What?"
"Got this whole philosophy worked out, huh? Think you might smoke a bit too much."
All Kaya does is shrug as Meg takes a slow hit, smoke curling around her lips before she inhales it. She makes a face and exhales on the edge of a slight cough. Handing it back, she’s shaking her head, eyes watering. Then, she starts laughing. “Shit.”
Kaya grins. “Good?”
“My mum would kill me if she found out I just did that.”
“You’ll just have to not mention this, then.” A hit, held. Exhale. Smoke dances between them. “Our little secret.”
The words were loaded, and whether it was intentional or not, it takes precedence as peculiar, stuck between them. But then -
“I wasn’t planning on sharing you with anyone anyways.”
There’s a lazy smile behind the words, just as loaded as Kaya’s.
Hmm.
They snuck out past curfew one night, and just went to the park, laying down and watching the stars.
“Meg?”
She turns her head to see Kaya looking at her directly, eager eyes. “Yeah?”
“I’m...really glad I met you.”
There’s a hitch in her breath, and something warm settling in her. “Me too.”
As some sort of practical joke from Mother Nature, it started to rain one late afternoon. The air was warm, the pavement stunk in between showers, but when it started to pour again, Megan and Kaya were on their way from the bookstore. Shrieking and laughing, they ran until they finally found a stoop to hide under.
Kaya’s damp hair in her eyes as she continued to giggle, to smile at Megan and fuck it, she reached out and brushed the hair out of her eyes, finger lingering down the side of her face. A caress.
She was sure she could hear Kaya gulp over the sound of her own heart pounding violently. But then, their bubble burst and Megan realized they were out on the street, passerby glancing at them oddly as they tried to hide from the rain as well.
“We should get home.”
Walking down the street, they passed by an old advertisement for auditions. For that Skins show she’d heard about.
"Thought about auditioning," Meg's lips thinned and she scrunched her face in mild embarrassment, casting a half-glance at Kaya. "Didn't end up going. Don't know if I could pull it off."
"I think you could." All in one breath, no hesitation. She can see her fighting a smile, almost leans in and kisses it out of her. "'Sides, it isn't a bad life, is it?"
A raised eyebrow, mouth opening but words not quite formed. Finally, after a moment, she gives an uncommitted nod. It's only another moment before she buckles under herself and looks at Kaya directly. "To be honest, I think that's why I'm not sure. I mean, that whole life? Sure, you've got money, fame could be fun, but say goodbye to having a normal life or functioning relationship, right?"
Kaya's fingers start fidgeting with the butt of her fag, but her voice doesn't waver once. "Yeah, definitely."
(She almost asked, one day, but decided it was too silly. Even in foolish youth, the very thought of asking Have you ever fancied a girl? seemed implausible.
It didn’t keep her from thinking it every time she was with her, though.)
The last day of summer, fall yawning on the horizon. They sat on steps, Kaya just one behind Megan, but her knees rested against her side. Megan didn’t mind at all.
"I have to leave soon."
Megan sighed. "I hate curfew."
"Isn't curfew. I have to leave London."
Megan looked at Kaya from the corner of her eye. Then, blink and she returned to looking at the river.
"And...it's not just for the weekend."
Meg turned on the step finally, pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin there, finally looking her straight on. "Figured. You wouldn't be telling me like this if it was."
Kaya had blanched, but didn’t look away.
"You should work on your transitions, love - " It's Meg's turn this time to blanch at her familiar use of love, the word already seeming foreign. "If I didn't know you any better I would've thought you were on the run or something exciting."
Kaya laughed, bittersweet, although Meg fancied the idea that it was more sweet than bitter. "I'm always on the run, love."
Meg didn’t say anything. That silence crept up on them again, and it was the closest she’d ever come to finally asking her. What aren’t you telling me?
"So that's it, then?" She finishes her drink, tosses it in the bin. "Thanks for telling me, I guess."
They could’ve ended it like that. Meg would’ve walked away and things would’ve been...fine. But Kaya just had to keep going: “It’s... it’s going to be a big change and - ”
“Okay, now you just sound like...” Megan stood up, headrush be damned. The sudden bite of reality leaving a horrible taste in her mouth. The fucked up thing about it all was that she should’ve seen it coming. One doesn’t skip over drawing lines and definitions and expect it all to fall into place. They never talked about what it was, whatever, and it would end with just as little clarity. “I get it, okay? I’ll just...goodbye, yeah?”
She didn’t wait for a response, turning on her heel and walking away. She hadn’t looked back, either.
Okay, maybe that’s a lie.
Meg heard someone leave the house one morning, following the sound of Kat’s door opening and closing, the quiet shuffle of sneaking out. She’d looked out her window facing the street and saw nothing but the back of a blonde’s head, hair ruffled from recent sleep.
In theory, this sort of discovery should’ve alarmed her, or at the very least surprised her. But in that moment, the only thing Megan did was tilt her head to the side, an intrigued hmm passing from her lips.
She went to Kat’s room a little later, when she could hear her sister moving about. She walked in and all she saw was a stupid grin.
Kat only looked up briefly from her computer. “What’s up?”
Meg didn’t beat around the bush. “Who was that girl?”
“Lily,” Kat had answered matter-of-factly, eyes still on her computer.
“You trying that out now?”
“Oh, shut up.” Kat had thrown balled-up socks at her, but Megan still saw the little smile she had to herself. “You’ll probably end up meeting her, actually. Ask your questions then.”
The blonde never came round again. Megan never got to ask her questions.
(Driving with her mum through downtown London, Kaya catches sight of her.
Red hair, porcelain skin, dimples - so utterly different and completely similar at the same time, and Kaya can’t catch her breath as she begs her mom to pull over. When they come up beside the curb, her hand grips onto the handle for dear life -
But she doesn’t open the door. She sees her stop at the corner waiting for the light, book in hand, eyes glued to the page. (Kaya wonders if she’d gone to that bookstore, if she’d passed through the travel section hoping - )
“Love?” Her mum’s voice, muffled, seeming so far away. “Love, are you alright?”
The light turns green and Megan moves amongst the shuffling crowd across the way. In the opposite direction.
Kaya stays in the car, and when she disappears around the corner, she lets out a sigh that almost chokes into a sob.
“Kaya - ”
“Never mind. Just drive.”)
Everybody meanders off after brief introductions. Kaya and Meg are left on their own, awkward space and even more awkward silence between them. Until:
“It’s been a long time.” Kaya tilts her head. “You’ve changed.”
“Tits got bigger.” She says this, but then crosses her arms over them. “You’ve changed, too.”
“Life’ll do that to you.”
Meg is already irritated. “Look, you don’t have play nice - ”
“I’m not.”
“I think you made it clear before - ” She hesitates on that word. “No hard feelings, but just because I’m on the show now, doesn’t mean - ”
“We can be friends.” Kaya mirrors Megan’s body language without realizing it, but Megan sees clearly. Her fingers start to scratch nervously at the back of her arms as she lets Kaya’s words settle in. “I want to be friends.”
(Kaya wishes she could say she’d hoped for more success, but she knew. She knew at dinner. She knew when she saw Megan crossing the street that day. It isn’t of the sixth sense sort, really, just common fucking sense.
Things were different now. Things changed - she hadn’t wanted Megan to know her as Kaya from Skins and now that’s all she is.)
Being a twin doesn’t mean Megan can’t have her own secrets. She thinks this to herself, when she sees her sister acting like a fool around Lily, acting stupid, and she knows, can see it as clear as day.
At least I have the subtlety to... she thinks to herself, stops. The guilt at thinking dragging her down.
“Kathryn.” They’re home, the comfort of a shared duvet, family portraits adorning the walls. They’ve spent their entire childhood in this house, so it feels almost right to - “Do you fancy Lily?”
Kat looks up from her book, expression unreadable for a long moment before, finally, she sighs. Nods.
It’s as simple as that.
Megan arrives in Bristol to find out that she’s bunking in the apartment with Kaya for the week of filming, and a mixture of trepidation and excitement overwhelms her immediately. But once they settle in, the trepidation gives way to a comfort, soft and natural. It feels completely unearned.
The sun is out on their day off, but the balcony is too small to enjoy, so she walks out onto the balcony and practically wrestles the chairs inside, just as Kaya walks in, hair still damp from a shower. Megg stops abruptly, so much so that the chairs collapse and fall over. She straightens, crosses her arms over her chest and does her best to look casual. Kaya looks like she’s struggling not to smile.
Neither are all that successful.
“Just...” Megan motions outside. “No clouds. Balcony’s too bloody small. Figured...”
Kaya doesn’t hesitate - “I know the perfect place.”
The sun is above them, but starting to sink towards the horizon, when they arrive. The spot is beautiful, not entirely secluded, with only a few people adorning the slight incline of grass the brightest green Megan’s ever seen.
“It’s nice,” she offers, as they set up the chairs. “You come out here a lot?”
“Sometimes.” Kaya sighs and looks across the grass, and smiles a little. “By myself, usually. Honestly, even when it’s shite weather, I usually come out here if I need it.”
“Is that often?” Meg asks, before she can really stop to think how it sounds, concern in her voice. The familiarity of it scares her.
But Kaya just keeps looking out across the scenery for a good minute, for what feels like longer, before looking to Megan. “Lately, yeah.”
They all get right fucked up one night, in Ollie and Luke’s shared flat. The blurred clock reads 2:00. Or maybe 5:00. Merv’s passed out across the top of the couch, Ollie’s making friends with the toilet and last she saw of Luke, he was spooning with Jack and sleeping like a baby by the telly. Lily and Kat fucked off somewhere, maybe to actually fuck. Finally.
Megan and Kaya sit cross-legged on the balcony, facing each other, knees touching. She doesn’t quite know how or when, but she’s got an arm stretched out, hand resting in Kaya’s lap as Kaya gently runs her fingers up and down her skin. She’ll pause at a scar, a cat scratch or a freckle, her fingers lightly caressing it. It seems almost like memorization, but with a tenderness to it that leaves a lump in Meg’s throat, heart racing.
Up. Then down. Up. Down. Finger lingering at the bend of her arm, tracing the letters of her name into her skin.
Then, Meg finally sees that her other hand is holding Kaya’s, fingers entangled, her thumb stroking thumb. Kaya realizes this, too, and smiles up at Megan. It’s small, but sweet. She squeezes her hand.
Jack and Kaya, on the couch. Fucking.
Megan gets to the bathroom without being noticed. She hugs the porcelain for a good fifteen minutes before washing up and returning to set.
This is how it goes for a while.
“You’re mad.” She’s walking out of the studio when she hears Kaya behind her. She stops just long enough to give her a dirty look, then keeps walking. “Megan - ”
“I just think it’s rather stupid.” She doesn’t stop her pace, Kaya having to run to catch up. “Fucking a costar...it fucks things up. You should know that.”
“It isn’t like that.”
“What’s it like, then? You lot have your proper love story, forbidden and exciting at the same time. You’ll be eloping then, soon?”
Kaya grabs her arm, forces her to stop. Tears in her eyes, and Megan can’t help but soften at the sight. “He isn’t my first choice.”
“If that’s supposed to make me feel better then...” Now Meg can feel the burn of tears in her own eyes. Refuses to look at her straight on. “It’s none of my business, I don’t know why you have to explain this to me.”
“You’re upset.”
“I’m just looking out for y - for Jack, is all. For the cast. I happen to take this show seriously. You should know, you’ve done this before.”
Kaya looks lost for words.
“I don’t know what you were looking for, then - ” Meg stops, crosses her arms, and puts on a face of resolve. “Actually, I think I do, I just know I never gave in to you.”
“Gave in?” Kaya has to laugh, but the bitterness bites strong at the back of her throat. “Excuse me, let me go let the Queen know she’s got to make you Dame.”
“Sarcasm, wonderful.”
“You bring out the best in me.”
“You made it clear then, and I still get it now, okay? You had the show and your new priorities and I wasn’t one of them, and if you think that that’s what hurt my feelings, then you’ve got another thing coming.” Meg starts walking again. “Just don’t fuck things up for all of us, okay?”
“Hate to break it to you, Meg-o.” Jack abruptly enters the break room, collapsing on the couch beside Megan. The last person she wants to see right now. He tries to rest his head on her lap, but she pushes him away. He laughs. “Not as much of a stupid tosser as you think.”
“Oh, really?” She gets off the couch and walks across the room for water, away from him.
“I notice things.”
Meg looks back at him, and he’s got that smile on his face. Even she isn’t immune to it. “What things do you notice?”
“Let’s just say...” He stretches out across the couch, draping himself over the entire surface of it. “I can tell when someone fancies someone.”
Meg keeps her face as neutral as she can manage. “S’not that hard to notice that. I knew the first time I met you that you were secretly in love with Merv.”
Jack throws his head back, practically cackling.
There’s hardly any patience left in her, especially for this. “You just taking the piss out of me, or do you have a point?”
“Well, besides being sure that messy Merv is out for my cock, I have a pretty keen sixth sense for...well...” For once he looks lost for words, but then smiles wider when he finishes: “For when a girl I’m fucking is thinking about fucking someone else.”
Once the words settle, his smile softens, and he’s looking at Megan with fucking concern of all things. And Meg can’t think of a single thing to say back to him. She returns to busying herself with the water cooler instead. Jack is insistent, though, and gets up, walks over to her, just behind her so that his chest is against her back. His hand touches her elbow and fuck -
“Like I said, m’not stupid, love.” She swears she can almost feel him kiss the back of her. “Let’s be honest, though, ‘cause if I can notice it and no one else does? They’d have to be fucking off - ”
“Just shut up, okay?”
“And you wonder why lads always think they’re the smarter ones.” She turns around but he’s already backing away, towards the door. He points at her, challenging. Leaves without another word.
(As with many of their conversations, this one starts out of nowhere. Boredom hangs over them, silence drowning, until -
“I’m not like you, I can’t just - ” Meg looks away, eyes finding Jack across the room. “It can’t be so casual.”
What makes you think this is casual? she wants to ask, mouth agape, moving forward. But then -
Fucking Ollie. “Hey, guys.”
He shuffles on over, and it’s Megan that takes a step back, crosses her arms over her chest and keeps on not looking her way.)
Things end between Jack and Kaya the next day.
Kaya comes home drunk and before Megan can think of something to say, to react, she’s draped across her on the couch,. Long and delicate limbs fitting perfectly and Megan’s supposed to think clearly during all of this.
The stench of alcohol coating her breath, that bitter taste of something an hour’s past staining the corner of her mouth until she turns away, forces a blocade between them. Her hands push at Kaya, but she has surprising strength when she’s pickled. "Drank the whole pub under the table, did we?"
Kaya doesn’t look bothered. Kaya doesn’t look like anything. Biting on her bottom lip, she just looks at her, long and hard.
Eventually: "You were invited."
"Didn't feel like having to peel you off every cock in the club."
Kaya blanches. She retreats back. "Excuse me?"
A hiss. Quiet, but deadly.
Meg doesn't repeat herself. Meg doesn't say anything at all.
Meg leaves Kat and Lily’s soon after. When she hears the door to her place open an hour later, she already knows it’s Kaya without having to turn around. But she looks anyway, a glance over the couch before returning to her book.
Kaya sits down next to her quietly. After a minute: “I’m sorry.”
Her voice is raspy and low. Sober. It latches onto her anger quickly and sucks her dry. Damnit. “You didn’t really do anything wrong.”
“I’m still sorry.”
“Why - ?”
“Megan.” Her voice is thick with a chuckle, and she can see out of the corner of her eye that Kaya’s smiling, shaking her head. “Just accept the apology.”
“I had no reason to get mad.”
“You did.” She looks at Kaya. “You do.”
It should be as simple as talking. Commincation, all that. But what Megan soon realizes is that with every step they take, they’re thrown back five for good measure. The comfort in finally opening up, as little as it may count in the big picture, tricks her into thinking that everything is going to be okay.
Kaya seems to fall prey, as well. Filming goes by without a hitch, until scripts for Effy’s episode come out and they’re at the table through the read through. The fight scene is acted out, and their eyes meet across the table.
It’s still there. Whatever it is. Everything loses focus and suddenly, Megan feels like Kaya is moving away. Worse yet, Megan feels like she’s the one gaining distance. Kathryn sits beside her, gives her sister a strange look when she can’t finish out her line, but the younger twin says nothing. Mouth parched, trembling fingers grasping onto the distractingly thick script paper as she tries to rediscover her voice.
She suddenly feels very alone.
The second she hears from Lily that Kat and Kaya went out for drinks, she expects it. She hates herself for it, but she knows immediately.
Kaya and Kathryn, drunk and stumbling. They’re all over each other, not that it means anything. To them, but clearly the look on Meg’s face when she sees the state they’re in sobers Kaya up fast and hard.
“Slag.”
It hurts more than she’ll ever admit.
Lily’s sitting outside with a fag. Meg’s with her, sans fag. As the smoke lingers, the foul taste of rat poison and nicotine getting in her mouth, she knows that Lily’s trying to figure out something to say. She won’t look her in the eyes, gnawing on her bottom lip, but if there’s anything Meg’s learned over the course of filming, it’s that both her sister and Lily are open books.
It makes this entire thing all the sillier.
“I know I shouldn’t - ” Lily pauses, chews on her lip some more. Swears under her breath. “It isn’t my place, but - ”
Meg sees where this is going, and cuts the conversation off at the ankles. “Do you like my sister?”
“Wha - ?”
“And don’t be too...emphatic about how you answer.”
Lily smiles amongst her confusion. “Emphatic?”
“No need to go into detail, yeah? Yes or no. No...details.”
The smile settles into something...something else. She tilts her head and looks at Megan, long and hard. “Kat’s my friend. I’ll always treat her right.”
“Treat her like a friend, then?” Meg’s shaking her head, bitter laugh. “You’re such a tosser.”
and then afterward.
(There’s a break in filming and, on the spot, Kaya comes up with a plan.
“I don’t know if I’m up for the beach...” Lily tries, but Kaya isn’t having any of it.
“It’ll be all of us. We all go home after we’re done filming anyways, it’d be nice to have a trip?”
“Everybody?” Lily, splayed out on the couch, looks at her upside down, clearly intrigued.
Later, alone with Kat, Kaya brings up the trip as well. “I thought it was a good idea when Ollie suggested it.”
“Ollie did?”
He didn’t, but Kaya would fix that problem later. “Yeah. Seemed pretty keen. So I said I’d talk to you.”
“Have you asked my sister yet?”
“No, but I figured you could handle that.”
“You did, now?” Kat shakes her head, but seems convinced. “So...everyone’s coming?”
“Yes, Lily’s coming.”
“I asked if everyone - ”
“And I gave you the answer you wanted.” Kaya stares at her, unforgiving, until finally the redhead nods silently in agreement.
It’s almost too easy.
Kaya finds Ollie later, to talk about the beach plans. Predictably, he’s quite confused when he discovers that he’s not actually going.
“So...if the twins - ” He looks over his shoulder, corrects himself. “If Kat or Meg ask, or if Lily asks...you want me to lie?”
“Pretty much.”
“But...I’m not a very good liar.”
“You’re an actor, Ollie.”)
“It’ll be fun!” Kathryn calls after her, running to keep up as Meg strides her way to set, literally trying to put as much space between her and this conversation as possible. “You know you want to.”
“You know you want to? Bloody hell, you’re desperate. I don’t see why I have to come. Your girlfriend’s going, maybe now you can stop being a fucking tosser and fix this mess you’ve got yourself in.”
“Oh, fuck you. Bitch.”
“Work on the comebacks, sis,” Meg calls over her shoulder as she pushes through a door and makes sure it swings back against Kat, an un-ladylike unf muffled from the other side.
“Work on not being such a stupid bint.” Kathryn finally runs up past her and plants herself between her and the next doorway. “Taking the piss when you’re acting like you’ve been...”
She looks over her shoulder and Megan does the same, sees they’re alone. Kat continues: “It’s the kettle calling the pot black, or what the fuck ever.”
She has her there. Not that she’ll admit it. “Why are you so concerned?”
“Why are you so concerned? Because I fucking love you, you idiot.” Kat’s expression softens, and she even reaches out jabs her in the shoulder. “Everybody’s going to be there, it’s not like there’s any pressure. We’ll bunk together, if you’d like. Doesn’t even have to be any drink - ”
“Alright, alright, alright!” Meg sighs. After a moment, she even pushes Kat back. “I still think you’re a tosser.”
(Kaya looks over from the driver’s seat to Lily, feet stretched out the windows, staring listlessly at the passing scenery.
“The bloody hell you staring at?” Lily asks after a good minute, but there’s no edge in her voice. She sounds tired, if anything.
“This’ll be fun.”
“I hope,” Lily says, but clearly catches herself. She turns further toward the window, away from Kaya, closing her eyes.
Kaya knows better. “This is probably the last chance you’ll have.”
At this, Lily opens her eyes, but doesn’t look at her. Doesn’t say anything.
“We’ll have filming next year, but...we’ll be done with this soon. We’ll go back to our lives and - well, it’d be pretty stupid if we convinced ourselves we’ll all still hang out during break.” Kaya wraps her fingers tight around the steering wheel, the leather whining under the pressure. She can feel speed wobbles, and stiffens her arm so that the car straightens out. “So, no pressure or anything.”
“Are you saying this to me?” Lily looks at her, sad blue eyes knowing. “Or to yourself?”)
They get to the beach house and Meg knows the second she walks in. Nobody else is there save the four of them. “You’ve got to be shitting me.”
Kaya walks into the room and gives Megan the biggest smile. It’s infuriating. “Good, you guys got here. Bad news - ”
Meg’s already done with it, dropping her bags by the door and shaking her head. “Very clever.”
Lily joins her in the head-shaking. “I was wondering why we didn’t carpool.”
Megan’s walking from her room to the kitchen when she catches Lily looking out the window to Kat running around on the beach.
Wordlessly, she opens the door, shoves Lily outside, and locks her out.
Lily jiggles at the doorknob, looks like she’s read to cry from frustration, from fear, and all Meg does is point behind her, to where she should be.
Megan’s in the kitchen when Kaya finally arrives, looking out at the beach, at her sister being joined by Lily. When she realizes she isn’t alone, she clears her throat and finishes her glass of water. “They’re rightly stupid, how they’re acting.”
“We’re all stupid.”
Meg skips right over that: “I expect it from Kat, but Lily... Grow some fucking balls already.”
Kaya walks over to sink, leans against it, her arm touching Megan’s. Megan doesn’t move away. “She’s here, isn’t she?”
“You act like the beach will fix everything...” Megan looks at her, and fuck if her vulnerability isn’t as clear as day. “It’s not that simple.”
The heat is persistent, and Lily doesn’t realize how long they’re outside until the sun starts to set on the horizon. She looks over to Kat, instinctual, but is caught up in what she sees. Tiny feet buried in the sand, Kat just looking out across the water, expression soft, content. A smile touching her lips.
“Kathryn...”
She looks over, still smiling. “Yeah?”
Lily opens her mouth to say it, to say something, but just laughs, shakes her head and looks back out to the ocean.
“Hey.” She turns back to see Kat approaching her, a look on her face so honest that it scares Lily a little. She stops just as her toes curl over Lily’s, her hand reaching out, fingers along her bare hip. She leans in and presses her lips softly to hers for a long, languid moment. She steps back, walking backwards, toward the house. “Your turn.”
(Lily stays out for a little long.
Okay, a lot longer.
Eventually, she turns back to the house to see Kaya approaching. Taking this in, Lily sits down, buries her feet and hands in the sand, lets the cool breeze dance over her, the small wakes of sea lapping around her ankles.
Kaya sits down next to her, digging a hole and placing a bottle of rum between them. Nothing but the sound of the ocean for a minute.
Finally: “No pressure, or anything.”
Lily keeps looking out across the ocean. “Ditto.”)
Dinner that night is nothing short of painfully awkward. The four of them sitting at the table, food being picked at, no eye contact whatsoever.
It’s only so long before someone breaks. That someone, surprisingly, is Kaya.
“I have an idea.” She waits for everyone to look up at her, making eye contact with each person. “It’s quite brill. Want to hear it?”
Nobody says anything, blank stares. But Kaya doesn’t seem feathered. “Say three things nobody else knows about you. But one of them has to be a lie.”
Lily’s the first to speak: “This isn’t first day of college and icebreakers.”
Kaya turns to her and is rather direct: “Yeah, well, considering we’re all acting like a bunch of tossers, sitting here like we hardly know each other, I figured it’d be worth a go.”
She looks at everybody again, eyes challenging when she’s looking at Kat and Lily, but softening when she meets Megan’s. “Come on, then.”
Megan sighs, “Alright. My middle name is Elizabeth, I’ve got Power Rangers on my Netflix queue....and I’ve never had my heart broken. Which is a lie?”
Kaya doesn’t blink, just keeps looking at her. Megan’s heart starts to race a little when Kaya finally says something, voice barely above a whisper. “The last one.”
Megan feels herself nod a little, barely noticeable. She feels frozen in her seat, a good metre from Kaya’s seat, but suddenly feeling a pull, magnetized, to her.
Kaya clears her throat, looks down for a moment, holding her breath before looking back up with a sharp exhale. “I ate play-do till I was twelve, my first kiss was on a train with a boy I hardly knew, and...”
She breaks eye contact, and it shocks Megan into almost falling out of her seat, like she’d been broken from being hypnotized. Kaya looks at Kat head-on. “And I’m in love with your sister.”
Kat looks both awkward and confused, the weight of what was just said more than a little overwhelming. She looks to her sister. “I...er...”
“The first one.” Everybody looks to see Lily, mouth hidden behind her hand as she chews on her thumbnail, looking from Kaya to Megan, then finally to Kathryn. “The first one’s the lie.”
Megan never once looks away from Kaya, waits for her to look back. When she does, she feels the sudden urge to cry. And when she speaks, her voice cracks and barely makes it. “Is it?”
Kaya doesn’t say anything for a long moment, but when she does speak up, her eyes never once leave Meg. “I know her from a long time ago. I met her in a bookstore. We were just kids and... I was scared. Everything was changing and - I was scared. Stupid and scared. I didn’t want to lose...whatever it was that we had. But I pushed her away anyways. Like I said...stupid.”
Her eyes dance with tears, that silly fear creeping up, but her body fighting against it. Finally. “I was sure you wouldn’t remember me. I convinced myself we didn’t have anything, and I tried to move on. But then...this fucking show.”
Tears in Meg’s eyes, her mouth opening slightly like she’s going to say something, but never does. She feels as scared as Kaya looks.
“It’s easier to just fuck Jack or get pissed than to actually put myself out there. Because it’s like... what if it’s not what I think it is? What if you just honestly hate my guts and I’ve been reading it all wrong and...and...”
Megan reaches and grabs her hand under the table. The screech of chairs across the floor and their knees are touching, sitting close now. Tears spill out. “I’m sorry.”
Leaning in, Megan presses her lips to hers, smiling. “It only bloody took you three years.”
If anything, it only makes Lily more nervous. Kaya and Meg disappear, god knows where doing god knows what, and when she wanders down the hall to find her room, she walks in to see Kat sitting at the foot of the bed.
As comforted as she is by the sight, she walks in and sees that Kat’s been crying. On instinct, she sits down next to her. “What’s wr - ?”
“Why do we all have to be so stupid?” She seems honestly confused. Lily wraps an arm around her shoulders, and Kat reaches her hand up to Lily’s. “We’re all a bunch of idiots.”
“You’re telling me.”
“I’m the dumbest one. I’m - I don’t even know. Something wrong with me.” Sniffles, can’t quite meet Lily’s eyes yet. “You make me mad sometimes, Lily.”
“S’pose that’s alright, considering you make me mad all the time.”
A teary-eyed laugh and she finally looks up, eyes earnest and pleading and fuck if that doesn’t do Lily in right then and there. “You know how much I’ve wanted you to just fucking kiss me?”
Heart beating at the bottom of her throat. She gulps. Can’t say anything.
“But then sometimes I’d be thankful. I’m such...I’m a mess. I have been. And I knew if something happened between us, it’d fuck things up and...I thought I was crazy, remembering you from years ago. But I heard what Kaya said and it made me realize that...it’s not crazy much, really. I just - ”
She can’t even finish and Lily, Lily’s at a loss for words. “How was I supposed to know?”
"Did it ever occur you to ask?"
She has her there. Lily laughs. “Right, yeah.”
Kathryn’s hand reaches out and wraps around hers in the dark, the warmth of skin to skin contact replacing the coolness. “But I suppose I could’ve laid off being such a prat.”
When Lily laughs this time, she feels a tear spill. “Yeah, just a bit.”
"Your smile. When I make you smile - when I know it's me making you smile...my heart -"
Kat's voice, a crack. The echo of raindrops on the windowsill. No streak of sunlight finds its way through the grayness outside following her words. The world doesn't stop spinning, the edges of everything don't soften. But Lily's heart: it soars.
She rests her forehead against Kat’s and, through a smile, whispers: “The only girl I ever kissed I fell in love with. I’m a right-fucking coward for sitting around and doing nothing about it. And...I suppose I’ll say I’m the Queen of England.”
Kathryn laughs, hands touching either side of Lily’s face, eyes locking, noses touching. “I’m going to be so mad if that last one isn’t the lie.”
Lily covers her hands with her own. She leans in and she kisses Kathryn, soft and patient, like they have all the time in the world.
They really do now.
THE END
what they say. what they don't say. what they will say. what they'll never say. kaya scolodario/megan prescott. lily loveless/kathryn prescott. 6713 words. pg-13.
“I don’t really ever understand myself.”
Megan looks up from the script. Kaya’s sitting on the railing of their balcony, feet dangling over the side. She’s staring off at nothing.
“What’s that?”
She looks at Meg. “You’re better off without me, you know.”
It was 2005 and Megan could taste the end of summer.
There was a quaint corner bookstore, a small secret just blocks from the main road, and she was running late, but felt compelled to go in and browse. She got purposely lost in the travel section, running her pinky along the shelves as she walked languidly down and back, putting places to the pictures and mapping out everywhere she was going to go.
Her finger was tracing along the letters p--o--r--t--u when she ran into her. Literally ran into, arms full of books, then all of them falling to the floor. “Shit - !”
“I’m so sorry,” Megan apologized, kneeling down to pick them up, just as the girl did the same.
“Totally okay, I wasn’t even looking.” The girl laughed and smiled up at her, and that was the first time Megan had seen her face.
She stopped short, stumbled, but eventually recovered. “That makes two of us.”
Books gathered into piles, placed on the table next to a reading chair. They stood, but neither moved to leave. Megan caught herself staring, eventually. The shock of blue in the girl’s eyes, the smile that pinched her cheeks -
“Thank you.” The girl looked at the shelves beside them. “Going on a trip?”
“No, not really. I just...like to look.”
“I’m the same.” Pause, an offered hand. “I’m Kaya.”
“Megan. So are you skipping school, too?”
“Oh, no, I’m actually - ” Kaya had paused for a moment, but a smile returned. Being schooled from home, actually.”
“Oh, that’s cool. Get sick of public, then?”
Kaya had pursed her lips, looked up at the ceiling in thought. “I guess you could say my life’s going in a direction that the school...isn’t.”
“Right.” Megan nodded, laughed, not entirely getting it. And what she’d realized from Kaya’s expression was that she wasn’t really supposed to.
She could hear the mischievous bubbling up into her voice it. “So I take it that means you’re skipping out, then?”
Megan held her index just slightly apart from her thumb. “A bit, yeah. I usually skip once a week. Half-day today, and mum’s out of town - ” She stopped, head dipping forward as she laughed, a touch of warmth in her dimples. “Sorry, over-share.”
They’d talked a while longer, but when Megan’s cell started buzzing, her mum’s name flashing on the screen, they’d left it at that.
A week later, though, she found herself in the exact same bookstore. And Kaya was there.
When Megan saw her, she simply smiled.
“Half-day?” Kaya had asked, oh so casually.
Megan had nodded. “Half-day.”
The awkwardness of adolescence had no place between them, everything was natural and open, it never occurring to either of them that there was stuff they couldn’t or shouldn’t say. And over time, things simply got easier. There were moments where Megan honestly felt more comfortable talking to her than to Kathryn.
But then, there were other moments. Quiet moments, where the silence felt heavy, displaced. Like something shifted between them, invisible but obtrusive. Like Kaya was keeping something from her. But Megan never asked after it, just did her best to push past and keep things going. If she’d asked, it might’ve sent her running.
And she was finding that she really, really liked having her around.
"You ever smoked?"
Megan shrugged, "Once. Hacked my lungs up."
"You didn't do it right."
"It's inhaling. I'm pretty sure - "
"God, you're stubborn," Kaya practically growled, but knows there's a softness there. She saw the smile in her eyes before it reaches her lips as the joint was passed over. "I'd imagine you're going too fast. It's smoke, your lungs don't like it. Think of it as sneaking it past without your throat realizing."
Meg cocks an eyebrow.
"What?"
"Got this whole philosophy worked out, huh? Think you might smoke a bit too much."
All Kaya does is shrug as Meg takes a slow hit, smoke curling around her lips before she inhales it. She makes a face and exhales on the edge of a slight cough. Handing it back, she’s shaking her head, eyes watering. Then, she starts laughing. “Shit.”
Kaya grins. “Good?”
“My mum would kill me if she found out I just did that.”
“You’ll just have to not mention this, then.” A hit, held. Exhale. Smoke dances between them. “Our little secret.”
The words were loaded, and whether it was intentional or not, it takes precedence as peculiar, stuck between them. But then -
“I wasn’t planning on sharing you with anyone anyways.”
There’s a lazy smile behind the words, just as loaded as Kaya’s.
Hmm.
They snuck out past curfew one night, and just went to the park, laying down and watching the stars.
“Meg?”
She turns her head to see Kaya looking at her directly, eager eyes. “Yeah?”
“I’m...really glad I met you.”
There’s a hitch in her breath, and something warm settling in her. “Me too.”
As some sort of practical joke from Mother Nature, it started to rain one late afternoon. The air was warm, the pavement stunk in between showers, but when it started to pour again, Megan and Kaya were on their way from the bookstore. Shrieking and laughing, they ran until they finally found a stoop to hide under.
Kaya’s damp hair in her eyes as she continued to giggle, to smile at Megan and fuck it, she reached out and brushed the hair out of her eyes, finger lingering down the side of her face. A caress.
She was sure she could hear Kaya gulp over the sound of her own heart pounding violently. But then, their bubble burst and Megan realized they were out on the street, passerby glancing at them oddly as they tried to hide from the rain as well.
“We should get home.”
Walking down the street, they passed by an old advertisement for auditions. For that Skins show she’d heard about.
"Thought about auditioning," Meg's lips thinned and she scrunched her face in mild embarrassment, casting a half-glance at Kaya. "Didn't end up going. Don't know if I could pull it off."
"I think you could." All in one breath, no hesitation. She can see her fighting a smile, almost leans in and kisses it out of her. "'Sides, it isn't a bad life, is it?"
A raised eyebrow, mouth opening but words not quite formed. Finally, after a moment, she gives an uncommitted nod. It's only another moment before she buckles under herself and looks at Kaya directly. "To be honest, I think that's why I'm not sure. I mean, that whole life? Sure, you've got money, fame could be fun, but say goodbye to having a normal life or functioning relationship, right?"
Kaya's fingers start fidgeting with the butt of her fag, but her voice doesn't waver once. "Yeah, definitely."
(She almost asked, one day, but decided it was too silly. Even in foolish youth, the very thought of asking Have you ever fancied a girl? seemed implausible.
It didn’t keep her from thinking it every time she was with her, though.)
The last day of summer, fall yawning on the horizon. They sat on steps, Kaya just one behind Megan, but her knees rested against her side. Megan didn’t mind at all.
"I have to leave soon."
Megan sighed. "I hate curfew."
"Isn't curfew. I have to leave London."
Megan looked at Kaya from the corner of her eye. Then, blink and she returned to looking at the river.
"And...it's not just for the weekend."
Meg turned on the step finally, pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin there, finally looking her straight on. "Figured. You wouldn't be telling me like this if it was."
Kaya had blanched, but didn’t look away.
"You should work on your transitions, love - " It's Meg's turn this time to blanch at her familiar use of love, the word already seeming foreign. "If I didn't know you any better I would've thought you were on the run or something exciting."
Kaya laughed, bittersweet, although Meg fancied the idea that it was more sweet than bitter. "I'm always on the run, love."
Meg didn’t say anything. That silence crept up on them again, and it was the closest she’d ever come to finally asking her. What aren’t you telling me?
"So that's it, then?" She finishes her drink, tosses it in the bin. "Thanks for telling me, I guess."
They could’ve ended it like that. Meg would’ve walked away and things would’ve been...fine. But Kaya just had to keep going: “It’s... it’s going to be a big change and - ”
“Okay, now you just sound like...” Megan stood up, headrush be damned. The sudden bite of reality leaving a horrible taste in her mouth. The fucked up thing about it all was that she should’ve seen it coming. One doesn’t skip over drawing lines and definitions and expect it all to fall into place. They never talked about what it was, whatever, and it would end with just as little clarity. “I get it, okay? I’ll just...goodbye, yeah?”
She didn’t wait for a response, turning on her heel and walking away. She hadn’t looked back, either.
Okay, maybe that’s a lie.
Meg heard someone leave the house one morning, following the sound of Kat’s door opening and closing, the quiet shuffle of sneaking out. She’d looked out her window facing the street and saw nothing but the back of a blonde’s head, hair ruffled from recent sleep.
In theory, this sort of discovery should’ve alarmed her, or at the very least surprised her. But in that moment, the only thing Megan did was tilt her head to the side, an intrigued hmm passing from her lips.
She went to Kat’s room a little later, when she could hear her sister moving about. She walked in and all she saw was a stupid grin.
Kat only looked up briefly from her computer. “What’s up?”
Meg didn’t beat around the bush. “Who was that girl?”
“Lily,” Kat had answered matter-of-factly, eyes still on her computer.
“You trying that out now?”
“Oh, shut up.” Kat had thrown balled-up socks at her, but Megan still saw the little smile she had to herself. “You’ll probably end up meeting her, actually. Ask your questions then.”
The blonde never came round again. Megan never got to ask her questions.
(Driving with her mum through downtown London, Kaya catches sight of her.
Red hair, porcelain skin, dimples - so utterly different and completely similar at the same time, and Kaya can’t catch her breath as she begs her mom to pull over. When they come up beside the curb, her hand grips onto the handle for dear life -
But she doesn’t open the door. She sees her stop at the corner waiting for the light, book in hand, eyes glued to the page. (Kaya wonders if she’d gone to that bookstore, if she’d passed through the travel section hoping - )
“Love?” Her mum’s voice, muffled, seeming so far away. “Love, are you alright?”
The light turns green and Megan moves amongst the shuffling crowd across the way. In the opposite direction.
Kaya stays in the car, and when she disappears around the corner, she lets out a sigh that almost chokes into a sob.
“Kaya - ”
“Never mind. Just drive.”)
Everybody meanders off after brief introductions. Kaya and Meg are left on their own, awkward space and even more awkward silence between them. Until:
“It’s been a long time.” Kaya tilts her head. “You’ve changed.”
“Tits got bigger.” She says this, but then crosses her arms over them. “You’ve changed, too.”
“Life’ll do that to you.”
Meg is already irritated. “Look, you don’t have play nice - ”
“I’m not.”
“I think you made it clear before - ” She hesitates on that word. “No hard feelings, but just because I’m on the show now, doesn’t mean - ”
“We can be friends.” Kaya mirrors Megan’s body language without realizing it, but Megan sees clearly. Her fingers start to scratch nervously at the back of her arms as she lets Kaya’s words settle in. “I want to be friends.”
(Kaya wishes she could say she’d hoped for more success, but she knew. She knew at dinner. She knew when she saw Megan crossing the street that day. It isn’t of the sixth sense sort, really, just common fucking sense.
Things were different now. Things changed - she hadn’t wanted Megan to know her as Kaya from Skins and now that’s all she is.)
Being a twin doesn’t mean Megan can’t have her own secrets. She thinks this to herself, when she sees her sister acting like a fool around Lily, acting stupid, and she knows, can see it as clear as day.
At least I have the subtlety to... she thinks to herself, stops. The guilt at thinking dragging her down.
“Kathryn.” They’re home, the comfort of a shared duvet, family portraits adorning the walls. They’ve spent their entire childhood in this house, so it feels almost right to - “Do you fancy Lily?”
Kat looks up from her book, expression unreadable for a long moment before, finally, she sighs. Nods.
It’s as simple as that.
Megan arrives in Bristol to find out that she’s bunking in the apartment with Kaya for the week of filming, and a mixture of trepidation and excitement overwhelms her immediately. But once they settle in, the trepidation gives way to a comfort, soft and natural. It feels completely unearned.
The sun is out on their day off, but the balcony is too small to enjoy, so she walks out onto the balcony and practically wrestles the chairs inside, just as Kaya walks in, hair still damp from a shower. Megg stops abruptly, so much so that the chairs collapse and fall over. She straightens, crosses her arms over her chest and does her best to look casual. Kaya looks like she’s struggling not to smile.
Neither are all that successful.
“Just...” Megan motions outside. “No clouds. Balcony’s too bloody small. Figured...”
Kaya doesn’t hesitate - “I know the perfect place.”
The sun is above them, but starting to sink towards the horizon, when they arrive. The spot is beautiful, not entirely secluded, with only a few people adorning the slight incline of grass the brightest green Megan’s ever seen.
“It’s nice,” she offers, as they set up the chairs. “You come out here a lot?”
“Sometimes.” Kaya sighs and looks across the grass, and smiles a little. “By myself, usually. Honestly, even when it’s shite weather, I usually come out here if I need it.”
“Is that often?” Meg asks, before she can really stop to think how it sounds, concern in her voice. The familiarity of it scares her.
But Kaya just keeps looking out across the scenery for a good minute, for what feels like longer, before looking to Megan. “Lately, yeah.”
They all get right fucked up one night, in Ollie and Luke’s shared flat. The blurred clock reads 2:00. Or maybe 5:00. Merv’s passed out across the top of the couch, Ollie’s making friends with the toilet and last she saw of Luke, he was spooning with Jack and sleeping like a baby by the telly. Lily and Kat fucked off somewhere, maybe to actually fuck. Finally.
Megan and Kaya sit cross-legged on the balcony, facing each other, knees touching. She doesn’t quite know how or when, but she’s got an arm stretched out, hand resting in Kaya’s lap as Kaya gently runs her fingers up and down her skin. She’ll pause at a scar, a cat scratch or a freckle, her fingers lightly caressing it. It seems almost like memorization, but with a tenderness to it that leaves a lump in Meg’s throat, heart racing.
Up. Then down. Up. Down. Finger lingering at the bend of her arm, tracing the letters of her name into her skin.
Then, Meg finally sees that her other hand is holding Kaya’s, fingers entangled, her thumb stroking thumb. Kaya realizes this, too, and smiles up at Megan. It’s small, but sweet. She squeezes her hand.
Jack and Kaya, on the couch. Fucking.
Megan gets to the bathroom without being noticed. She hugs the porcelain for a good fifteen minutes before washing up and returning to set.
This is how it goes for a while.
“You’re mad.” She’s walking out of the studio when she hears Kaya behind her. She stops just long enough to give her a dirty look, then keeps walking. “Megan - ”
“I just think it’s rather stupid.” She doesn’t stop her pace, Kaya having to run to catch up. “Fucking a costar...it fucks things up. You should know that.”
“It isn’t like that.”
“What’s it like, then? You lot have your proper love story, forbidden and exciting at the same time. You’ll be eloping then, soon?”
Kaya grabs her arm, forces her to stop. Tears in her eyes, and Megan can’t help but soften at the sight. “He isn’t my first choice.”
“If that’s supposed to make me feel better then...” Now Meg can feel the burn of tears in her own eyes. Refuses to look at her straight on. “It’s none of my business, I don’t know why you have to explain this to me.”
“You’re upset.”
“I’m just looking out for y - for Jack, is all. For the cast. I happen to take this show seriously. You should know, you’ve done this before.”
Kaya looks lost for words.
“I don’t know what you were looking for, then - ” Meg stops, crosses her arms, and puts on a face of resolve. “Actually, I think I do, I just know I never gave in to you.”
“Gave in?” Kaya has to laugh, but the bitterness bites strong at the back of her throat. “Excuse me, let me go let the Queen know she’s got to make you Dame.”
“Sarcasm, wonderful.”
“You bring out the best in me.”
“You made it clear then, and I still get it now, okay? You had the show and your new priorities and I wasn’t one of them, and if you think that that’s what hurt my feelings, then you’ve got another thing coming.” Meg starts walking again. “Just don’t fuck things up for all of us, okay?”
“Hate to break it to you, Meg-o.” Jack abruptly enters the break room, collapsing on the couch beside Megan. The last person she wants to see right now. He tries to rest his head on her lap, but she pushes him away. He laughs. “Not as much of a stupid tosser as you think.”
“Oh, really?” She gets off the couch and walks across the room for water, away from him.
“I notice things.”
Meg looks back at him, and he’s got that smile on his face. Even she isn’t immune to it. “What things do you notice?”
“Let’s just say...” He stretches out across the couch, draping himself over the entire surface of it. “I can tell when someone fancies someone.”
Meg keeps her face as neutral as she can manage. “S’not that hard to notice that. I knew the first time I met you that you were secretly in love with Merv.”
Jack throws his head back, practically cackling.
There’s hardly any patience left in her, especially for this. “You just taking the piss out of me, or do you have a point?”
“Well, besides being sure that messy Merv is out for my cock, I have a pretty keen sixth sense for...well...” For once he looks lost for words, but then smiles wider when he finishes: “For when a girl I’m fucking is thinking about fucking someone else.”
Once the words settle, his smile softens, and he’s looking at Megan with fucking concern of all things. And Meg can’t think of a single thing to say back to him. She returns to busying herself with the water cooler instead. Jack is insistent, though, and gets up, walks over to her, just behind her so that his chest is against her back. His hand touches her elbow and fuck -
“Like I said, m’not stupid, love.” She swears she can almost feel him kiss the back of her. “Let’s be honest, though, ‘cause if I can notice it and no one else does? They’d have to be fucking off - ”
“Just shut up, okay?”
“And you wonder why lads always think they’re the smarter ones.” She turns around but he’s already backing away, towards the door. He points at her, challenging. Leaves without another word.
(As with many of their conversations, this one starts out of nowhere. Boredom hangs over them, silence drowning, until -
“I’m not like you, I can’t just - ” Meg looks away, eyes finding Jack across the room. “It can’t be so casual.”
What makes you think this is casual? she wants to ask, mouth agape, moving forward. But then -
Fucking Ollie. “Hey, guys.”
He shuffles on over, and it’s Megan that takes a step back, crosses her arms over her chest and keeps on not looking her way.)
Things end between Jack and Kaya the next day.
Kaya comes home drunk and before Megan can think of something to say, to react, she’s draped across her on the couch,. Long and delicate limbs fitting perfectly and Megan’s supposed to think clearly during all of this.
The stench of alcohol coating her breath, that bitter taste of something an hour’s past staining the corner of her mouth until she turns away, forces a blocade between them. Her hands push at Kaya, but she has surprising strength when she’s pickled. "Drank the whole pub under the table, did we?"
Kaya doesn’t look bothered. Kaya doesn’t look like anything. Biting on her bottom lip, she just looks at her, long and hard.
Eventually: "You were invited."
"Didn't feel like having to peel you off every cock in the club."
Kaya blanches. She retreats back. "Excuse me?"
A hiss. Quiet, but deadly.
Meg doesn't repeat herself. Meg doesn't say anything at all.
Meg leaves Kat and Lily’s soon after. When she hears the door to her place open an hour later, she already knows it’s Kaya without having to turn around. But she looks anyway, a glance over the couch before returning to her book.
Kaya sits down next to her quietly. After a minute: “I’m sorry.”
Her voice is raspy and low. Sober. It latches onto her anger quickly and sucks her dry. Damnit. “You didn’t really do anything wrong.”
“I’m still sorry.”
“Why - ?”
“Megan.” Her voice is thick with a chuckle, and she can see out of the corner of her eye that Kaya’s smiling, shaking her head. “Just accept the apology.”
“I had no reason to get mad.”
“You did.” She looks at Kaya. “You do.”
It should be as simple as talking. Commincation, all that. But what Megan soon realizes is that with every step they take, they’re thrown back five for good measure. The comfort in finally opening up, as little as it may count in the big picture, tricks her into thinking that everything is going to be okay.
Kaya seems to fall prey, as well. Filming goes by without a hitch, until scripts for Effy’s episode come out and they’re at the table through the read through. The fight scene is acted out, and their eyes meet across the table.
It’s still there. Whatever it is. Everything loses focus and suddenly, Megan feels like Kaya is moving away. Worse yet, Megan feels like she’s the one gaining distance. Kathryn sits beside her, gives her sister a strange look when she can’t finish out her line, but the younger twin says nothing. Mouth parched, trembling fingers grasping onto the distractingly thick script paper as she tries to rediscover her voice.
She suddenly feels very alone.
The second she hears from Lily that Kat and Kaya went out for drinks, she expects it. She hates herself for it, but she knows immediately.
Kaya and Kathryn, drunk and stumbling. They’re all over each other, not that it means anything. To them, but clearly the look on Meg’s face when she sees the state they’re in sobers Kaya up fast and hard.
“Slag.”
It hurts more than she’ll ever admit.
Lily’s sitting outside with a fag. Meg’s with her, sans fag. As the smoke lingers, the foul taste of rat poison and nicotine getting in her mouth, she knows that Lily’s trying to figure out something to say. She won’t look her in the eyes, gnawing on her bottom lip, but if there’s anything Meg’s learned over the course of filming, it’s that both her sister and Lily are open books.
It makes this entire thing all the sillier.
“I know I shouldn’t - ” Lily pauses, chews on her lip some more. Swears under her breath. “It isn’t my place, but - ”
Meg sees where this is going, and cuts the conversation off at the ankles. “Do you like my sister?”
“Wha - ?”
“And don’t be too...emphatic about how you answer.”
Lily smiles amongst her confusion. “Emphatic?”
“No need to go into detail, yeah? Yes or no. No...details.”
The smile settles into something...something else. She tilts her head and looks at Megan, long and hard. “Kat’s my friend. I’ll always treat her right.”
“Treat her like a friend, then?” Meg’s shaking her head, bitter laugh. “You’re such a tosser.”
and then afterward.
(There’s a break in filming and, on the spot, Kaya comes up with a plan.
“I don’t know if I’m up for the beach...” Lily tries, but Kaya isn’t having any of it.
“It’ll be all of us. We all go home after we’re done filming anyways, it’d be nice to have a trip?”
“Everybody?” Lily, splayed out on the couch, looks at her upside down, clearly intrigued.
Later, alone with Kat, Kaya brings up the trip as well. “I thought it was a good idea when Ollie suggested it.”
“Ollie did?”
He didn’t, but Kaya would fix that problem later. “Yeah. Seemed pretty keen. So I said I’d talk to you.”
“Have you asked my sister yet?”
“No, but I figured you could handle that.”
“You did, now?” Kat shakes her head, but seems convinced. “So...everyone’s coming?”
“Yes, Lily’s coming.”
“I asked if everyone - ”
“And I gave you the answer you wanted.” Kaya stares at her, unforgiving, until finally the redhead nods silently in agreement.
It’s almost too easy.
Kaya finds Ollie later, to talk about the beach plans. Predictably, he’s quite confused when he discovers that he’s not actually going.
“So...if the twins - ” He looks over his shoulder, corrects himself. “If Kat or Meg ask, or if Lily asks...you want me to lie?”
“Pretty much.”
“But...I’m not a very good liar.”
“You’re an actor, Ollie.”)
“It’ll be fun!” Kathryn calls after her, running to keep up as Meg strides her way to set, literally trying to put as much space between her and this conversation as possible. “You know you want to.”
“You know you want to? Bloody hell, you’re desperate. I don’t see why I have to come. Your girlfriend’s going, maybe now you can stop being a fucking tosser and fix this mess you’ve got yourself in.”
“Oh, fuck you. Bitch.”
“Work on the comebacks, sis,” Meg calls over her shoulder as she pushes through a door and makes sure it swings back against Kat, an un-ladylike unf muffled from the other side.
“Work on not being such a stupid bint.” Kathryn finally runs up past her and plants herself between her and the next doorway. “Taking the piss when you’re acting like you’ve been...”
She looks over her shoulder and Megan does the same, sees they’re alone. Kat continues: “It’s the kettle calling the pot black, or what the fuck ever.”
She has her there. Not that she’ll admit it. “Why are you so concerned?”
“Why are you so concerned? Because I fucking love you, you idiot.” Kat’s expression softens, and she even reaches out jabs her in the shoulder. “Everybody’s going to be there, it’s not like there’s any pressure. We’ll bunk together, if you’d like. Doesn’t even have to be any drink - ”
“Alright, alright, alright!” Meg sighs. After a moment, she even pushes Kat back. “I still think you’re a tosser.”
(Kaya looks over from the driver’s seat to Lily, feet stretched out the windows, staring listlessly at the passing scenery.
“The bloody hell you staring at?” Lily asks after a good minute, but there’s no edge in her voice. She sounds tired, if anything.
“This’ll be fun.”
“I hope,” Lily says, but clearly catches herself. She turns further toward the window, away from Kaya, closing her eyes.
Kaya knows better. “This is probably the last chance you’ll have.”
At this, Lily opens her eyes, but doesn’t look at her. Doesn’t say anything.
“We’ll have filming next year, but...we’ll be done with this soon. We’ll go back to our lives and - well, it’d be pretty stupid if we convinced ourselves we’ll all still hang out during break.” Kaya wraps her fingers tight around the steering wheel, the leather whining under the pressure. She can feel speed wobbles, and stiffens her arm so that the car straightens out. “So, no pressure or anything.”
“Are you saying this to me?” Lily looks at her, sad blue eyes knowing. “Or to yourself?”)
They get to the beach house and Meg knows the second she walks in. Nobody else is there save the four of them. “You’ve got to be shitting me.”
Kaya walks into the room and gives Megan the biggest smile. It’s infuriating. “Good, you guys got here. Bad news - ”
Meg’s already done with it, dropping her bags by the door and shaking her head. “Very clever.”
Lily joins her in the head-shaking. “I was wondering why we didn’t carpool.”
Megan’s walking from her room to the kitchen when she catches Lily looking out the window to Kat running around on the beach.
Wordlessly, she opens the door, shoves Lily outside, and locks her out.
Lily jiggles at the doorknob, looks like she’s read to cry from frustration, from fear, and all Meg does is point behind her, to where she should be.
Megan’s in the kitchen when Kaya finally arrives, looking out at the beach, at her sister being joined by Lily. When she realizes she isn’t alone, she clears her throat and finishes her glass of water. “They’re rightly stupid, how they’re acting.”
“We’re all stupid.”
Meg skips right over that: “I expect it from Kat, but Lily... Grow some fucking balls already.”
Kaya walks over to sink, leans against it, her arm touching Megan’s. Megan doesn’t move away. “She’s here, isn’t she?”
“You act like the beach will fix everything...” Megan looks at her, and fuck if her vulnerability isn’t as clear as day. “It’s not that simple.”
The heat is persistent, and Lily doesn’t realize how long they’re outside until the sun starts to set on the horizon. She looks over to Kat, instinctual, but is caught up in what she sees. Tiny feet buried in the sand, Kat just looking out across the water, expression soft, content. A smile touching her lips.
“Kathryn...”
She looks over, still smiling. “Yeah?”
Lily opens her mouth to say it, to say something, but just laughs, shakes her head and looks back out to the ocean.
“Hey.” She turns back to see Kat approaching her, a look on her face so honest that it scares Lily a little. She stops just as her toes curl over Lily’s, her hand reaching out, fingers along her bare hip. She leans in and presses her lips softly to hers for a long, languid moment. She steps back, walking backwards, toward the house. “Your turn.”
(Lily stays out for a little long.
Okay, a lot longer.
Eventually, she turns back to the house to see Kaya approaching. Taking this in, Lily sits down, buries her feet and hands in the sand, lets the cool breeze dance over her, the small wakes of sea lapping around her ankles.
Kaya sits down next to her, digging a hole and placing a bottle of rum between them. Nothing but the sound of the ocean for a minute.
Finally: “No pressure, or anything.”
Lily keeps looking out across the ocean. “Ditto.”)
Dinner that night is nothing short of painfully awkward. The four of them sitting at the table, food being picked at, no eye contact whatsoever.
It’s only so long before someone breaks. That someone, surprisingly, is Kaya.
“I have an idea.” She waits for everyone to look up at her, making eye contact with each person. “It’s quite brill. Want to hear it?”
Nobody says anything, blank stares. But Kaya doesn’t seem feathered. “Say three things nobody else knows about you. But one of them has to be a lie.”
Lily’s the first to speak: “This isn’t first day of college and icebreakers.”
Kaya turns to her and is rather direct: “Yeah, well, considering we’re all acting like a bunch of tossers, sitting here like we hardly know each other, I figured it’d be worth a go.”
She looks at everybody again, eyes challenging when she’s looking at Kat and Lily, but softening when she meets Megan’s. “Come on, then.”
Megan sighs, “Alright. My middle name is Elizabeth, I’ve got Power Rangers on my Netflix queue....and I’ve never had my heart broken. Which is a lie?”
Kaya doesn’t blink, just keeps looking at her. Megan’s heart starts to race a little when Kaya finally says something, voice barely above a whisper. “The last one.”
Megan feels herself nod a little, barely noticeable. She feels frozen in her seat, a good metre from Kaya’s seat, but suddenly feeling a pull, magnetized, to her.
Kaya clears her throat, looks down for a moment, holding her breath before looking back up with a sharp exhale. “I ate play-do till I was twelve, my first kiss was on a train with a boy I hardly knew, and...”
She breaks eye contact, and it shocks Megan into almost falling out of her seat, like she’d been broken from being hypnotized. Kaya looks at Kat head-on. “And I’m in love with your sister.”
Kat looks both awkward and confused, the weight of what was just said more than a little overwhelming. She looks to her sister. “I...er...”
“The first one.” Everybody looks to see Lily, mouth hidden behind her hand as she chews on her thumbnail, looking from Kaya to Megan, then finally to Kathryn. “The first one’s the lie.”
Megan never once looks away from Kaya, waits for her to look back. When she does, she feels the sudden urge to cry. And when she speaks, her voice cracks and barely makes it. “Is it?”
Kaya doesn’t say anything for a long moment, but when she does speak up, her eyes never once leave Meg. “I know her from a long time ago. I met her in a bookstore. We were just kids and... I was scared. Everything was changing and - I was scared. Stupid and scared. I didn’t want to lose...whatever it was that we had. But I pushed her away anyways. Like I said...stupid.”
Her eyes dance with tears, that silly fear creeping up, but her body fighting against it. Finally. “I was sure you wouldn’t remember me. I convinced myself we didn’t have anything, and I tried to move on. But then...this fucking show.”
Tears in Meg’s eyes, her mouth opening slightly like she’s going to say something, but never does. She feels as scared as Kaya looks.
“It’s easier to just fuck Jack or get pissed than to actually put myself out there. Because it’s like... what if it’s not what I think it is? What if you just honestly hate my guts and I’ve been reading it all wrong and...and...”
Megan reaches and grabs her hand under the table. The screech of chairs across the floor and their knees are touching, sitting close now. Tears spill out. “I’m sorry.”
Leaning in, Megan presses her lips to hers, smiling. “It only bloody took you three years.”
If anything, it only makes Lily more nervous. Kaya and Meg disappear, god knows where doing god knows what, and when she wanders down the hall to find her room, she walks in to see Kat sitting at the foot of the bed.
As comforted as she is by the sight, she walks in and sees that Kat’s been crying. On instinct, she sits down next to her. “What’s wr - ?”
“Why do we all have to be so stupid?” She seems honestly confused. Lily wraps an arm around her shoulders, and Kat reaches her hand up to Lily’s. “We’re all a bunch of idiots.”
“You’re telling me.”
“I’m the dumbest one. I’m - I don’t even know. Something wrong with me.” Sniffles, can’t quite meet Lily’s eyes yet. “You make me mad sometimes, Lily.”
“S’pose that’s alright, considering you make me mad all the time.”
A teary-eyed laugh and she finally looks up, eyes earnest and pleading and fuck if that doesn’t do Lily in right then and there. “You know how much I’ve wanted you to just fucking kiss me?”
Heart beating at the bottom of her throat. She gulps. Can’t say anything.
“But then sometimes I’d be thankful. I’m such...I’m a mess. I have been. And I knew if something happened between us, it’d fuck things up and...I thought I was crazy, remembering you from years ago. But I heard what Kaya said and it made me realize that...it’s not crazy much, really. I just - ”
She can’t even finish and Lily, Lily’s at a loss for words. “How was I supposed to know?”
"Did it ever occur you to ask?"
She has her there. Lily laughs. “Right, yeah.”
Kathryn’s hand reaches out and wraps around hers in the dark, the warmth of skin to skin contact replacing the coolness. “But I suppose I could’ve laid off being such a prat.”
When Lily laughs this time, she feels a tear spill. “Yeah, just a bit.”
"Your smile. When I make you smile - when I know it's me making you smile...my heart -"
Kat's voice, a crack. The echo of raindrops on the windowsill. No streak of sunlight finds its way through the grayness outside following her words. The world doesn't stop spinning, the edges of everything don't soften. But Lily's heart: it soars.
She rests her forehead against Kat’s and, through a smile, whispers: “The only girl I ever kissed I fell in love with. I’m a right-fucking coward for sitting around and doing nothing about it. And...I suppose I’ll say I’m the Queen of England.”
Kathryn laughs, hands touching either side of Lily’s face, eyes locking, noses touching. “I’m going to be so mad if that last one isn’t the lie.”
Lily covers her hands with her own. She leans in and she kisses Kathryn, soft and patient, like they have all the time in the world.
They really do now.
THE END