fic: the young and the foolish (1/2)
the young and the foolish. part one: the immortal instant.
what they say. what they don't say. what they will say. what they'll never say. lily loveless/kathryn prescott. kaya scolodario/megan prescott. 8469 words. pg-13.
notes: meant for the skins!bigbang, but I already have two other fics for that. Plus, I'm impatient. So...yeah.
mix for this fic here.
Kathryn Prescott was the first.
It seems fateful, now, fitting right into its slot in this silly little story with the ease in which hair curled around Lily's finger. In which bottom lip disappeared under the bite of teeth as she stared - furiously curious - at the girl eagerly stepping into the classroom.
She said, before the rest filed in, before the workshop officially started, before she had to: "Hi, my name's Kathryn."
She held her hand out, tiny looking and tinier still as it wrapped around Lily's hand, a squeeze, firm and sure. Her palm was soft, fingers softer.
"Loveless," she hiccuped, cleared her throat, sat up straighter. "Lily Loveless."
Kathryn had cocked an eyebrow, smirked, and perhaps this was the moment when Lily was done for.
The teacher entered at last, speaking over the chatter and calling attention to the center of the classroom, away from everybody's individual conversations. It was only then that Lily realized her and Kathryn were still shaking hands - or, rather, still holding hands.
(There is no perhaps: this was when Lily, deep down, knew something had started.)
After, a group of them headed over to someone's flat (Lily doesn't care for these details) and shared a spliff in the garage. Lily's eyes met Kathryn's amidst the smoke. There was a ghost of a smile, hiding, as her eyes intently remained.
(To this day, Lily still doesn't know how long they were staring at each other.
What she does know is that Kathryn was the first to look away. And so she did the same.)
The next day, fifteen minute break, Lily grabbed her pack of fags and headed out to the bleachers. She sat at the bottom, feet pointed crooked and scraping into the gravel as she fidgeted with the cardboard. She fingered a smoke out, eventually, but it remained unlit as she fiddled with it, touching the filter to her mouth as her thoughts drifted.
Feeling someone's eyes on her, she looked up and saw Kathryn walking her way. Suddenly, she was determined to avoid looking listless and put extra focus on lighting her fag. Her lighter, however, refused to cooperate, and instead she felt a fool after about twelve unsuccessful tries.
"Would you like a light?" Lily looked up to see Kathryn leaning against the rail, eyebrows creased in curiosity. She nearly laughed at how genuine the question was. Tossing her crappy lighter in the bin, she nodded so hard that the fag fell from her lips and into her lap.
After the reassuring bite of smoke in her lungs, she held her pack out. "Want one?"
"Oh, I didn't mean it like I was only - "
"No, isn't that," Lily quickly assured her, an involuntary crack in her voice. She shrugged it off. "Just being friendly."
Lily had never seen a sweeter smile on a prettier face. "Thank you."
Instead of handing the lighter back to her, Lily - for the life of her not knowing why - leaned forward and lit the end of the fag herself. It didn't occur to her as an out of the ordinary move until her eyes met Kathryn's, puff of smoke followed by a shy little smile. But it was the color rising in her cheeks that jolted her more.
She had never felt so cool and yet so foolish.
Break ended and, once inside, Kathryn asked to be her partner in the exercises. She did it so abruptly, and yet so casually.
"Is that alright?" she had asked.
(Lily still can't describe the odd expression on Kathryn's face, other than it compelling her to say yes to whatever she wanted.)
So Lily had nodded, did her best to shrug it off.
The workshop eventually came to an end.
Again, a group of them decided to hang out afterwards, as sort of a 'nice knowing you' party. After a workshop in acting, it was rather easy to lie to parents about having an innocent sleepover at someone's flat - it was just a matter of not informing them of the fact that said someone's parents were out of town for the weekend. Spliffs were joined by cheap rum and once the effects settled in, someone came up with the grand idea to play I Never.
Inevitably: "I've never kissed a girl."
It was Kathryn that said it, to even the score after one of the boys pulled the 'never kissed a lad' card. Nearly all the girls with the exception of Kathryn and Lily took a swig of the rum.
Kat looked at Lily in surprise. "Never?"
"You've never, either!" Lily was quick to point it out, perhaps too quick in retrospect, the look on Kat's face one of curiosity more than anything, and really, Lily should've seen this as a sign of what was to come.
But she didn't. It wasn't until later. Once everyone had filtered into their own spaces or left completely, when Lily had gone out for a smoke in front of the apartment complex and ran into a tipsy Kathryn. It wasn't until Kathryn had given up on trying to find a signal on her mobile and tossed it into the bushes that Lily knew -
"Hey," Kathryn had breathed, the bite of rum on her breath. She stepped closer. "Hey, Lily."
"H-hey." Kathryn stopped only when their toes touched. "Kathryn, what - ?"
"Shut up."
She tilted her head to the left, then to the right, smiling, chuckling at herself, and it was simultaneously chaste and intimate as her nose brushed Lily's and finally, so did her lips.
The hesitance melted immediately into sureness, a shake of eagerness. One of them - maybe both - gasped. Lily didn't care to figure out which, the inhale cutting sharp against her lips and she reached, hand curling around the back of Kathryn's neck, fingers tangling in her hair. She kissed her again, and she knew that time it was Kathryn who gasped. Lily's knuckles scraped along the brick wall as she impulsively reached her hand into the back pocket of Kathryn's jumpers.
Her arms lifted up to wrap around Lily, the cold bottom of rum pressing between her shoulder-blades until it finally slipped out of her grasp, shattering on the stone path.
The window above them turned bright as someone inside stirred awake. "Bloody fucking - !"
They ran, Kathryn with a death grip on Lily's hand as they sprinted down the street, taking a sharp right and cutting through a back alley before they ended up on the next block. Catching their breath - hunkered over, pathetically coughing - their eyes met, and in an instant they broke out into laughter.
"Think he'll be even madder when he realizes the rum's gone?"
"The rum!"
When the laughter finally died down: "Why'd you kiss me?"
"I felt like kissing someone," Kathryn had shrugged, but eventually relented. "Alright, well, I felt like kissing a girl and well, you'd never kissed a girl either. Seemed like a good idea at the time."
(She had sounded so practical about it.)
A bus drove by, headed to the stop further down. Lily, regrettably, knew that she had to - "That's my ride home."
"Oh..." Kathryn straightened. Her expression shifted into something endearingly honest. "You could crash at my place, my mum would be fine with it."
"My dad'll worry." She hated that it sounded like she was using an excuse when it was the honest truth - her dad would be fuming when she finally got in. But then...maybe it was worth it. "Where do you live?"
"Southgate. It's not a long walk from here, actually."
"Let me ring home and let my dad know, alright?"
"We'll do it at my house." Kathryn wrapped her arms around herself to fend off shivering. "Call your dad, that is. It's freezing."
"I told you you'd need your jacket," Lily sighed, pulling hers off and handing it over to Kathryn, who looks from the proffered jacket to Lily, then back to the jacket, about a dozen times. Lily rolled her eyes, suddenly very embarrassed but determined to act nonchalant. "What? I've got rather thick skin. Was gonna take it off anyways."
Kathryn looked like she knew better. (She probably did.)
The next morning, the last time they'd see each other:
Lily was the first to wake, but only a minute before Kathryn. It had been a quiet moment, one that she'd placed away to remember without even knowing it. Hair tangled in Kathryn's face, fingers tucked under her chin as she slept, curled and content. Her walls were decorated artistically, but not sloppily. Clips from magazines and pages of drawings and colors ripped from notebooks. Ordered chaos was the only thing Lily could conjure up to describe it. And it seemed (it will always seem) perfectly fitting.
A stir and a noise from Kathryn. Lily found herself smiling for a small moment. "Morning."
"Hey?" Kathryn looked confused when her eyes first opened, and it cut Lily deeper than she would ever like to admit. But after rubbing her eyes for a moment, there was a smile there. "You crashed here, then?"
"You were pretty insistent," Lily explained.
"Guess we got a bit too tipsy last night."
"You did."
"I did?" She groaned into her pillow. "I'm sorry. I'm a complete lightweight."
"You weren't horrible." Lily had to fight to keep from chewing on her lip nervously. "You don't remember much, do you?"
"Not much, no." Suddenly, Kathryn's eyes opened wider. "Why? What'd I do?"
The sigh was painful in her chest. "Don't worry, nothing happened."
"Thank goodness..." She winced as she turned on her back, reached awkwardly underneath her to pull out Lily's mobile.
The top light was flashing, which meant...
"Voicemail...? Ten? But..." Lily sat up so fast she nearly got whiplash. "My dad!"
"Didn't you call him when we got in last night?"
"No! Shit! Shit, shit, shit!" Lily reached for her pants, tried to slip them on while searching for her bag, but getting caught in the leg and falling over.
Kathryn shot up, covered her mouth, trying her hardest not to laugh. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, of - of course." Lily found her bag, slipped on her pants and began a new search for her shoes. Kathryn slipped out of her bed to help her, but by the time her feet touched the floor, the shoes had been found.
"I could ask my mum to give you a ride, I'm sure - "
"No, it's... I shouldn't have come here." Immediately, Lily had regretted the words. But when she looked up at Kathryn, she hadn't seen any hurt there. She regretted that, too. Shoes on, she maneuvered her way to the door, pausing once opened. "Have fun in Glasgow, yeah?"
Kathryn nodded. "I'll see you around?"
"Yeah."
It was a lie. As much as she'd wanted it to be true, it was still a lie. And they both knew it. No numbers were exchanged. It was easier that way.
At least, that's what she'd convinced herself.
(Cowardice, Lily thinks, is far too common a disease.
The truth holds heavy, choking her out of sleep. She knows. She knows and that's the end of it.
Her mantra: Anyone who thinks they have even the tiniest hold on their destiny is off in the head.
There's a laugh, somewhere. Destiny. Like she's Harry Potter or Frodo Baggins or something. She's not, though. She's just Lily.
She's just a coward.)
After auditions, before filming, the entire cast goes out to dinner, to meet and fraternize and all that loveliness. And, really, as much of a good sport Lily is in regards to awkward social situations, it's when she finds out the names of the others, one in particular standing out, that she starts to look forward to the dinner.
She thinks, no, it couldn't be. It won't be.
But then she sees her.
She sees her smile first. Then her hair. The red is like a beacon, but it's the smile that draws cross-armed Lily from her wallflower spot in the corner into the crowded waiting room. Kathryn meets her halfway.
"Hey."
"Hey."
It happens as simple as that, and yet Lily is still left breathless.
A girl walks up beside Kathryn, and Lily nearly chokes on her drink in how similar they look. Though she doesn't say anything, Lily's sure her face gives way to surprise. Kathryn seems far from bothered by it. "My sister, Megan. Meg, this is Lily - "
"Lily?" Megan repeats, a familiarity in her voice that surprises Lily, but then she winces when Kathryn steps on her foot. "The fuck, Kat?!"
"Sorry, got pushed," Kathryn says to her over the hostess calling a party's name. Before Megan can say much else, Jamie approaches with Kaya and Lisa.
"Ladies." He introduces them all. Megan looks shocked into silence for the briefest moment, before her expression is wiped clean and replaced with a friendly smile. "Nice to meet you. Kaya, right?"
Kaya isn't smiling, but it isn't boredom in her eyes, either. She looks like she wants to slink away into the crowd, away from this entire conversation. Finally, she holds out her hand. "Yeah, it's Kaya. You must be Megan, then?"
"This is Kat, my sister."
"Sister?" Kaya looks over at her twin and cocks an eyebrow, finally smiles. She finishes her drink. She looks at Megan, and the smile, peculiarly, digs deep. "Drinking around you two is going to be fun. A constant game of who's who."
"You can tell the difference," Megan sighs and Lily's already sure she hears this far too often.
"You're not even identical, are you?" She decides to ask, looks at Kat for a long moment before glancing to Megan for good measure. "Definitely a difference."
And it's true. They're both beautiful, of course, but Kathryn...she looks different from - but still somehow the same as - before. There's a comfort in her own skin that seems more pronounced than before -
Before.
There's a brief disconnect between her brain and the rest of her body, and she remains with her eyes glued, unable to speak even her name. Finally, she lets go of the thoughts acts as normal as she can manage.
(The memories still creep up.)
They share a taxi after. First stop is at Lily's and Kathryn gets out with her and actually walks her to the front door. On the stoop of Lily's flat, in lieu of goodbye, Kathryn leans in and kisses her on the apple of her cheek, breath a warm relief from the cold air biting at their faces. Lily's suddenly suffocated by panic. Kat squeezes her arm, and it shocks her back to life.
"It was really good seeing you again."
Fight or flight. Lily steps inside and rasps out a quick goodnight. Once the door's closed, she's against it, grasping the solidity of the doorknob.
She goes to bed angry, regret gnawing at her for not even making eye contact, not even trying to see what Kathryn's expression was, if she could read it, if could see what she was thinking -
If, if, if.
She practically growls herself to sleep. Pull yourself together.
The next time they see each other, at first rehearsals, Lily feels a sense of dread over things being awkward, but if Kathryn had noticed anything weird before, she doesn't act like it.
It'd be a lie to say she's relieved.
Arriving early one day, Lily stops at the door when she sees inside -
Kathryn at the large bay window, curled up under a duvet. Facing east, the sunrise would normally be painting the ugly grey carpet a more pleasing tone, would cause Kat's hair to look electrifyingly red. But the overcast keeps the room a gloomy gray, flourescant light and a small puff of fog on the window from Kathryn's breath.
After a moment, Lily finally remembers to step inside. Kathryn smiles the second she sees her. "It's bloody freezing in here!"
"Couldn't tell," Lily says, rubbing her arms for friction. "First one in?"
A nod, smile never once wavering. (Not that Lily really notices.)
"How was your night last night?"
"Hmm? Oh, alright. Stayed in and watched the telly."
"Not much of a partyer?"
"No, I am, s'just - " Lily shrugs, dropping her bag on the ground. She's headed over to sit at the reading table when she sees Kathryn pull her legs in to make room on the windowsill. "It's Bristol. Don't really...know anybody."
Kathryn's brows furrow and she looks at Lily like she's crazy. "You know me, don't you?"
Lily's laugh is more like a nervous hiccup. "I do, I do."
"You know what I just realized?" She leans forward, holding her phone out. "We don't have each other's numbers. If we do, then this whole staying in to watch the telly thing won't become a habit."
"You act like I holed myself up with fifteen cats or something."
Kat laughs, and they exchange numbers before she finally says something. "You'll go out with me tonight, we'll have fun."
"Is that a promise?"
"Is that a challenge?"
All Lily can think to say: "Perhaps."
When Kathryn picks Lily up that night, Megan's with her. "Double the Prescott fun for you."
Kathryn rolls her eyes, pockets her mobile and nods to the cab idling. "You ready?"
They meet Kaya, Jack and Luke outside before heading in the club. Through Jack's doing, none of their I.D.'s are checked before heading in and they all file through the crowd towards the bar once inside. Walking in behind Kathryn, Lily - much to her annoyance - is given full view of guys reactions to the redhead once she's walked past. Once at the bar, Kaya's actually the one that points it out.
"I wonder if any of them realize how young we actually are," Kaya says aloud, voice cracking with laughter halfway through. She nudges Kathryn. "What d'you think?"
Kathryn laughs, doesn't even turn around. "Not interested."
"Boyfriend?"
"No, no," Kathryn looks disturbed at just the thought. Despite being all of three inches away from Kaya, she has to yell into her ear to be heard over the music. "Just not liking this crowd, is all."
Kaya eventually nods. "Can't argue with that."
Despite this, she disappears into the crowd, leaving just Lily and Kathryn at the bar as they wait for their drinks.
"Having fun?"
"Once I have my drink I will be."
"You're telling me." The irritation hasn't worn off yet and she notices, looks at Lily apologetically. "Sorry, I'll be more fun. I just don't like talking about... Just got out of a stupid...thing, is all."
Just as their drinks are delivered, but before Lily can say anything, Jack slides in out of nowhere."And so what you're getting at, love, is that you're looking to work hard and play harder? Am I right?"
Only momentarily does Kathryn look irritated, before settling into...something else, something playful. She looks over to him. "You are right. I love playing hard."
Jack cocks an eyebrow. "Do you now?"
"Yeah. It's distracting, too. I can't work, without having...thoughts. Got a solution for that kind of problem?"
"A solution?" Jack makes a point of straightening his shirt, clearing his throat and leaning in closer. "Got several."
"Really?" Kathryn bounces on her stool in excitement. "I'm so relieved, because I've yet to try this strap-on I bought a while back and - "
"St - strap on?" Jack falters, looks to Lily, who can barely contain a grin behind her drink. His smile is gone in a second.
"Yeah, strap-on." Kathryn chugs the rest of her beer, slamming down the empty glass next to Jack's still-full drink. "How do you feel about being bottom? Shall I pay my tab and we could..."
Finally, Lily can't take it anymore - the eager way Kathryn points over her shoulder to the exit, the confusion on Jack's face giving way to fear then to realization and, finally, to amused with a touch of annoyance. "Alright, alright, you got me, kitty cat."
Kathryn makes sure she looks extra pouty. "But I thought you wanted the strap-on..."
Jack points at her as he backs away into the crowd. "S'not funny!"
Kathryn can't keep from giggling. "I think it's funny."
The first time they share a flat for filming, Lily stumbles into the kitchen for a midnight snack, only to find Kathryn had beaten her to the punch. Legs crossed on the stool, she leans against the counter with a spoon that's too big for her and a bucket of ice cream halfway finished. She doesn't say anything, just nods at Lily, a slight turn of her lips, tired eyes following her as she walks into the kitchen.
After pouring some water, Lily leans against the far side of the counter and holds the glass with both hands, securely. Feeling Kathryn's eyes on her, she looks up. "Can't sleep?"
The redhead shrugs, digging out an enormous scoop. She's still looking at her, curiosity brimming in those brown eyes.
After a good minute of silence, Lily can't help herself: "What?"
The smile gains more prominence as she licks her spoon clean. "Sorry, it's just... I was thinking of the last time we saw each other."
"Earlier today?" Lily hates when people play dumb, but it comes out far easier than actually acknowledging -
"Why didn't we exchange numbers then?" Kathryn looks away as she asks this, down at her melting ice cream.
"We - " Lily straightens a little, the counter digging into her back being the least of her concerns. Her voice catches and she bites back the crack in her throat. "You remember that?"
She looks up, caught off guard and confused. "Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't...know."
"It's actually always, you know..." Kathryn shrugs, laughs and it's shy, so much so that it pulls at Lily's attention more than anything. "Bothered me."
"That we didn't exchange numbers?" Lily asks, because she has to make sure, make sure she isn't crazy, isn't grasping onto whatever this might be. She thinks of the night they met again, Kathryn walking her home, the damp pavement and the musky smell after the rain. Kathryn's lips on her cheek. Her hands start to shake a little, so she turns away, pretends she's tidying up the already clean kitchen.
She hears the lid being put back on the ice cream, the scrape of the spoon on the counter, and she knows before it even happens that -
Kathryn's just behind her. No choice, Lily turns back around and she's right there.
(It'd be a lie if she said she couldn't feel the warmth of her breath, maybe a slight quiver to it. It'd be a lie if she said she didn't like it.)
But then, after a long moment, Kathryn smiles in amusement and nods at the fridge behind Lily. "Sort of...need to put this away."
They get the scripts for episode four and -
"Looks like Kathryn and I are going to snog."
Megan's face registers surprise, mouth agape as she searches for words until she ultimately bursts into a fit of laughter, followed quickly by her sister and Lily.
When the laughter dissipates: "It's Kat."
Lily looks over at Kathryn, confused. "What's that?"
"Call me Kat." She hold up the script and laughs. "Figure if we're going through with this, might as well be a bit more familiar with each other."
"If?" Lily asks, doesn't know why, a slyness to her voice that surprises.
Kat looks at her deadly serious for what feels like forever until, finally, she smirks. "Since we're going through with this, then."
"If you insist," Lily can hear the smile in her voice more than feel it. "Kat."
A squeak of laughter ends the moment and Lily remembers that Meg's still in the room. She's pointing at them. "Gonna get familiar with each other, yeah?"
Kat's face hardens in what is clearly sisterly annoyance. Her tone is challenging. "Yeah, we are."
A sigh finishes out Meg's laughing fit as she tilts her head and looks at her sister. "I didn't know you were a method actor."
"Piss off." An apple is thrown, but amusement mixes in with the annoyance, and she even smiles. Meg catches the apple, thanks her and leaves with a wry smile that Lily's sure she meant for them both to see.
(The drinking games are inevitable. Jack and Kat are nearly always the instigators. This comes to surprise no one after a while. And every time Kat flashes her evil little 'master plan' smile, Lily comes running.
This surprises no one either.)
Jack and Kaya. It happens. Nobody knows when or how or why or for how long, but, really, everybody knows them well enough to realize none of that really matters. It's Jack and Kaya, whatever they are. It is what it is.
It goes unspoken for a while, surprisingly. A cast full of teenagers and the gossip sets in like honey, until suddenly the jar breaks and the mess gets everywhere.
(Lily uses lame metaphors to avoid having to describe the reality:
It's her, Meg and Ollie heading back from lunch, laughing and joking, a regular Wednesday, walking into the break room to find Kaya sprawled out on the couch, Jack above her with his hand down her pants.
At least metaphors - even the lame ones - are far less unflattering.)
"We're all alike anyways." Kaya says one day, pointedly looking to the other end of the room, where Kat's running lines with Megan: "Wanting something for no reason than just wanting it."
Jack finds a party for them. This is generally a clue to approach with hesitance, but Kat is eager and grabs ahold of Lily's hand in the doorway, pulling. "You're coming with."
"I'm not sure..."
"It'll be fun."
"Like the last party he found for us?"
"That party wasn't his fault, and that fight got broken up, whoever those wankers were. We even got out of there before the cops - "
"Party, fight, wankers and cops? Not exactly the best group of words, Kat."
"Don't you want to have fun tonight?"
"Of course I do - "
"Then you're coming, come on." She pulls her again, Lily refuses to budge, so she puts her entire weight into it, yanking her out into the hallway so hard and fast that Lily can't stop in time. They fall against the opposite wall, Kat laughing and Lily quickly stepping back, eliminating contact. "Lily Loveless, I demand you come to the party with me."
"Demand?"
"Yeah, that's right." She bats her eyelashes, smirks. "Come on, you're my partner at these things. Please?"
Lily goes with, of course. The taxi ride over they share with Meg, Kat in between them with a bottle of Maker's Mark and a bottle of Coke. Intermittently, she takes shots. By the time they end up at the party, she trips out of the cab.
"Jesus..." Meg pays the driver while Lily grabs ahold of Kat's hand, pulling her out of the street.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I think I got most of the drinking done in the cab..."
"Hadn't noticed."
"Oh, shut up."
Jack (of course) instigates the beer pong. Kat (of course) convinces Lily to be her partner.
"We'll use this!" She holds up the already half-empty Maker's Mark.
Just as Lily makes a noise of disagreement, Kat turns and begins to set up the game. They win their first, only barely. This shred of luck, though, doesn't last long, and they swiftly lose their second. After Kat argues for a rematch, they only get halfway through before things start to shift into completely different territory. Lily bends over to grab a dropped pong ball, and when she stands up, she finds soft lips against her cheek, Kat's arm wrapping firm around her waist, pulling her close. The contact both electrifies and burns.
"Kiss me," her lips across skin, moving closer to hers.
"Kat," Lily inhales sharply. She is suddenly aware of how very not alone they are. Can see out of the corner of her eye Megan looking on curiously, and it brings all the blood to her cheeks in the most unflattering way possible. She tries to laugh it off, twist her body perpendicular to but still against Kat's. "I'm not going to kiss you."
"Fine," Kat acts - is? - offended and stumbles over to - "I'll just make out with Kaya then."
And make out with her she does. Kat commences to sit in Kaya's lap, Kaya eager enough to go along with it, enthusiastically grabbing either side of Kat's face as the kiss briefly intensifies. Lily goes over to stop it but -
She stops herself instead. This isn't my place, is it? Megan looks horrified. Lily sees this, too - and it certainly doesn't help matters. Jack gawks, laughs, while Luke just shakes his head and looks away.
Lily, finally - "Come on, Kat."
She pulls her off of Kaya's lap, pulls her out the door onto the back patio. Kat immediately stumbles, Lily grabbing onto her and easing her against the wall. "Kat..."
"I know," she sighs exaggeratedly. "I'm drunk."
"A bit."
Meg comes out with a bottle of water, crossing her arms once Lily's taken and thanked her for it, looking at her sister with a mixture of annoyance and concern. "She alright?"
"I just need a sip of - " Kat finally sees the proffered bottle. She smiles brightly. "You read my mind!"
The corner of Meg's mouth turns up briefly, before she remembers that she's annoyed with her sister. She gives Lily a look. "Doesn't know her limit, probably never will. You can head back inside, I'll - "
"Hey," Lily nods to the door, where a roar of noise and laughter suddenly erupts from. "You're bound to have more fun in there than I will. I've got her, okay?"
Meg looks at her curiously. "You don't have to."
"It's alright, I - "
"Want to," Meg finishes, nods. (Lily feels pathetic thinking it, but she's sure that they've come to an understanding.) The younger twin reaches out and brushes the hair out of her sister's eyes, before giving Lily one last look and heading inside.
A hiccup. "Far too dramatic, she is."
This is when Kathryn finally doubles over and retches.
The sun setting red along the horizon, Kat's hair brighter still, and Lily catches herself staring far too many times.
"You should quit," she says, through the puff of smoke between them.
Lily cocks her head, takes another drag. She smiles out the smoke. "I should?"
"Yeah, actually." Kat looks her directly, seriously. Then a pull at her lip, almost a smile, and she looks away quietly.
After a few minutes, keeping their eyes straight ahead:
"Appreciate the concern."
"Don't mention it."
One day on set, Lily finds Meg alone in the bathroom. Her face hides behind tissues. The sound of her crying fades faint into the tile. "Megan, what - ?"
She just shakes her head, doesn't look her way. Lily doesn't say anything else, closes the door behind her, walks over and wraps her up in a hug. After a long moment, she can feel Meg relax against her.
Lily stays watch at the door while she reapplies her makeup, still not a word between them. Finished, Meg grabs Lily's arm before she can leave.
"Don't tell anyone, okay?"
She doesn't.
It's not like it's hard to notice the way Kat's tongue darts out just before she kisses her. The wetness of her bottom lip catching Lily's leaves little to complain about. Except, in this one instant that they share, everything folds away around them, like a dollhouse crumbling to pieces - no director, no script editors, makeup artists, none of them. It's just them and Lily just wants to kiss her harder, hold her, touch her.
The director yells cut and the bubble is burst as everyone starts moving around, resetting the scene.
(It's not like it's hard to notice the way Kat's tongue darts out just after she kisses her, either.)
One of the crew catches Kat's eye.
He's got a charming smile and, in Lily's opinion, is as fun to be around as a member of Parliament. Kat starts to go on about how gorgeous he is, and how he plays Rugby, and, really, the work days are long enough without having to listen to her list all the things she likes about him, while simultaneously insisting that she isn't looking for anything serious and is only just 'looking'.
(Insert eyeroll from Lily here.)
It's a week into the entire flirtatious thing when Lily officially decides she hates the lad's guts.
After the start of another one of Kat's rambling sessions, Lily quickly changes the subject: "Wanna go out tonight?"
Kat yawns, shakes her head. "M'not up for going out. Don't really have the energy to deal with people or alcohol. Especially alcohol."
Kaya, across the table, rests her head so that she's looking at Lily horizontally. "I'll sacrifice my night and take her spot."
"Will you now?" Kat smirks. "You're such an excellent friend, suffering through a night out just for me."
Lily cocks her head to the side so that she's looking at Kaya straight on. "Unsung hero, you are."
"She'll have to drink Kat's share, so I'd wait 'till the end of the night to call her a hero," Meg says, cross-legged against the wall.
"If I recall correctly," Kaya replies at length, sitting up slowly and looking over at the other twin. "I believe there are two Prescott's on our roster."
"Want a gold star for that observation?"
"Come drink with us."
Lily takes the opportunity: "You should, I don't know if I really want to."
When Meg looks up, her eyes lock with Kaya's for a long moment as the brunette amends her statement: "Come drink with me."
During this, Kat nudges Lily. "Thought you wanted to go out?"
"Was just a suggestion, but I'm pretty tired too." This whole acting thing is getting easier. "Want a movie night?"
Simple little smile: it's enough. "Yeah, sure."
Lily walks into the communal area of their flat to see two joints already rolled, and Kat working on a third. Delicate fingers, flimsy paper, the dark green contrasted with the shock of red hair.
"So it'll be that kind of movie night, then?" The smile is involuntary, especially after Kat looks up with a devilish glint in her eyes.
"Movies are always better this way." A shrug. "Plus, I figure it's a nice bonding method, yeah?"
"Tell the politicians to toss off with their diplomacy and just give everyone a nice fat joint. All the words problems solved like that."
"You can joke all you want, but when that day comes, I'll be laughing."
"Giggling, behind a cloud of smoke, most likely."
Her smile widens, dimples in her cheeks and Lily feels a flush rise to her cheeks. "Eric wants to come over, by the way."
Immediately, all emotions sink, darken, sharpen. "Who?"
"Eric. From set."
"Oh..." It gets lost on her lips, and she's left with a parched mouth. She swallows, winces at the bitterness.
Midnight rolls around, and he still hasn't shown up. Kat sits with her phone, texting away, while Lily finishes off the final joint, at battle with the urge to roll her eyes every time the situation is updated: okay, now he's on his way.
Sure, she wants to say. Lucky you don't have to work tomorrow. Lucky you're just willing to sit around and wait for him while he takes his sweet time, two hours late when his flat is no more than twenty minutes away.
Instead, she nods, keeps her mouth shut except for exhaling circles of smoke.
He finally shows up, at around 2:30, by the time they've finished their third movie and have sunk pathetically into the cushions of the couch. He apologizes, and he probably means it, but Lily doesn't feel keen on giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He sits down at one side of the couch, while Lily slinks to the other, Kat between them. Awkward quiet, the low hum of the movie none of them are paying attention to keeping complete silence at bay. When the credits roll, Lily doesn't waste time getting off the couch.
"Off to bed?"
"It's three in the morning," is all Lily says.
"Yeah, I'm probably gonna crash soon, too."
Lily closes her bedroom door behind her, but stays near the doorway, not feeling tired at all. She paces for a moment before finally before walking quietly into the bathroom, fighting off how silly she feels for eavesdropping and trying to focus on putting toothpaste on her brush, hoping the process will distract her from -
The sound of them kissing. That gross sound of lips smacking together...the entire thing just sounds dirty to her, and all of her emotions seem to simultaneously sink to the pit of her stomach, leaving her nauseous, and crowding her chest until it feels like it could burst.
He leaves a moment later, but there's no relief, the claustrophobic emotions resilient until she goes back to her room and forces herself to sleep.
She fucking hates this.
Two days later, on set, in between takes. "He's a bit of a wanker."
"Not really."
"Yeah, really. He not only showed up late the other night, but four hours late." Lily looks to Megan for support, but really, it's just so that she doesn't have to look Kat in the eyes, doesn't have to see how genuinely confused the girl is as to why this lad isn't a right pick. It bothers her to see that more than it should. "2:30 in the morning isn't what I'd consider prime time for shooting the shit on the couch, wouldn't you agree?"
"Well, alright, then, I guess I fancy wankers."
"Tell us something we don't know," comes Meg's voice from behind a gossip rag. (Lily wishes she could thank her out loud.)
For lack of a better answer, Kat shrugs. "I like a challenge. Besides, did I let him sleep over last night? No. We were up anyways, so I don't see the big deal."
Lily relents, has no choice otherwise: she can't very well bring up the kiss - as damning evidence as it is - without admitting that she'd been eavesdropping. She sighs, and tries to change her tone for the better: "Maybe the wrong word's being used here. Less wanker and more..."
"Prat-like?" (Meg is Lily's new favorite person.)
"Just think it was pretty clear why he came over."
"Why's that?"
"Come on, you know."
"You act like sex would be so horrible."
"It is when the tosser stands you up for hours and shows up clearly expecting to still get laid. Might as well be a blow-up doll, for how well he treats you."
This clearly strikes a chord with Kat, and for once she doesn't snap back with a retort. It leaves Lily almost regretting her harsh tone.
"Well..." Kat finally says, but nothing ever follows.
"Look," Lily sighs. "I'm sorry, I just don't think he's as nice of a lad as you think. He's not horrible - "
Meg interjects: "Horribly boring."
"But you deserve better than that, alright?" The honest comes out before Lily even has to consider the ramifications. Words hang heavy in the room, accompanied by silence and not much else. Kat looks at Lily with surprise and Lily looks away. She's being honest, but there's no bravery left in her.
"I deserve better?" The words sound foreign on her lips and this, this is what brings Lily to look her in the eyes.
"Yeah," Lily says, as if it's that simple. (It is that simple.) "You do."
Things end between Jack and Kaya as swiftly as it had started. It hardly disturbs the flow of filming, and credit is due for neither holding ill will towards the other. In fact, much to Lily's bewilderment and amusement, they seem to fall into a functioning duo when they go out to clubs.
But problems arise elsewhere - Kaya somehow manages to drink more without Jack than she had with him, and Lily isn't the only one that notices. Meg alternates between concern and irritation at Kaya's antics. One night, the twins and Lily are watching a movie when Kaya abruptly enters the apartment. Just as abruptly, but in a single fluid motion, she dances over to the couch and gracefully drapes herself across Megan, whose cheeks immediately pinch into dimples despite obvious effort otherwise.
But then: Kaya's lips search for Meg's, meet a turned cheek instead. The dimples are gone. "Drank the whole pub under the table, did we?"
Nothing on Kaya's face shifts, with the exception of her bottom lip drawn slightly under teeth. She looks frozen, in eternal contemplation.
Eventually: "You were invited."
"Didn't feel like having to peel you off every cock in the club."
Kaya blanches. She retreats back. "Excuse me?"
A hiss. Quiet, but deadly.
Meg doesn't repeat herself. Meg doesn't say anything at all.
Later, after the twins returned to their room, Lily finds Kaya out on the balcony, silently smoking a cigarette. She's clearly sobered up at this point, but even still, Lily feels compelled to ask: "Are you okay?"
For a brief moment, Lily catches a gleam of familiar emotion, that persistent sadness that weighs down on anything and everything you do. But she blinks and it's gone, and Kaya's face becomes a clean slate, an enigma. "I couldn't be happier."
Finally, one day, Lily pushes too hard. A few weeks had gone by with little to no mention of Eric and Lily, naively, had settled comfortably into the idea that he was out of Kat's life. But then, she oh so casually mentions possibly hanging out with him again and Lily can't help herself:
"Hopefully this time he won't stand you up for four hours."
"Why do you always insist on me hating people?" The edge in Kat's voice cuts sharp, toxic.
There's that familiar clench around Lily's heart. "What? The bloody hell I do."
The strong line of Kat's jaw distracts her, but her words burn through. "No one's ever good enough."
"Yeah, well - "
No one is good enough. Not for you.
"That's the problem, see. Everyone is just good enough for you, aren't they?"
Kat: the sharp fury breaking into hurt. Lily: anger giving way to regret.
Kat takes a step back, arms wrapping around herself, a shock of wetness in her eyes as she looks away.
The regret can't come quickly enough, dropping heavy like stones. She'd give anything to just sink into the ground, away from this. From what they've become.
From what she's become.
(She knows she's being unfair. Purely selfish. Too cowardly to act, too selfish to let anyone else.
She starts to hate herself for it.)
Naomi's episode. Lily's stomach feels like it's been turned topsy turvey the entire leading up to filming. Kat seems, as usual, unbothered, and this ruffles Lily's feathers more than usual, to the point that she's tense with irritation every time she's around the redhead.
Eventually, Kat notices. She corners - literally corners - Lily in the dressing room when they're alone. Actually pushes at her a little, too. "You mad at me or something?"
"Ow," Lily rubs her shoulder. "Now I am."
A roll of her eyes, "Come on, I'm not stupid. You think I haven't noticed you acting weird lately? What's wrong?"
"It's noth - "
"Don't." There's genuine hurt in Kat's voice. "Don't lie. I asked you what's wrong, so tell me."
"Demanding, aren't we?"
"Lily!" Kat growls - growls! - and there's really no denying that.
"It's just... alright, I'm not handling this very well. This episode." Lily adds quickly, "You know, having the whole episode to myself, practically. It's... a lot."
Kat softens, though she doesn't look entirely convinced. "Yeah, I'd imagine."
"Wish I could say I work well under pressure, but that's a fucking lie."
"I wouldn't have believed you if you said it," Kat smiles. "Is that really all, though? I feel like...well, like you were only acting weird around me. Self-involved, right? But..."
Lily's mistake here is that she looks away. She can't stop herself in time and Kat, of course, notices. "What? I was right, then?"
"No, it isn't... " Lily runs a hand across her face, a frustrated sigh. She tries to move past Kat, but Kat places both hands on either side of her, trapping her.
"Don't. Come on, Lily, you're my best friend, I can't just act like nothing's wrong when something clearly is."
Lily rolls her eyes to downplay it. "You've read the script, yeah? Can't expect me to not be a little... wary of what we're gonna do."
"Wary?" Kat actually laughs. "Come on, it's just a bit of snogging."
"How can you act like it's not a big deal."
"Is it?" She looks genuinely surprised at the concept. "I'd rather snog you than anyone else."
"You... you would?"
"You, on the other hand, have the pleasure of tonguing Jack." Kat rolls her eyes. "Try not to get any funny ideas, though."
"What kind of funny ideas? Like, I'm going to snog him and be so completely turned on that I'll take him in this room and go crazy - "
Kat steps back, shaking her head in disgust. "Ew, ew. Don't even joke about that."
"What? I'm young, I have needs. And according to Kaya, he's quite the - "
"What did I say? No joking about that."
"Who says I'm joking?" Lily cocks an eyebrow, but then finally laughs, pushing past Kat. "Why does it bother you so much anyways?"
"I dunno, the idea of you two... It just doesn't fit." Kat follows her over to the couch. "He doesn't seem like your type."
"And who seems like my type, then?"
"I don't know what your type is, actually, but I'm pretty certain Jack doesn't fit the parameters."
"Paramaters? I didn't know my fanny had requirements."
"Oh, yours doesn't, but mine does?"
"Pretty much." Kat smacks her arm. "I'm only kidding."
After their conversation, Lily - stupidly, naively, idiotically - thinks that things will get better.
She's wrong. Of course.
Kaya and Kat go out drinking together that night while Lily stays in with Meg, who looks sullen as she keeps her eyes glued on the telly.
When they arrive back, they trip over themselves and nearly fall flat on their faces in the doorway.
"What're you looking at?" Kaya slurs, arm hooking further around Kat's shoulder. The red haired girl giggles into her rum, oblivious, but Kaya, Kaya just looks at Meg, doesn't blink. She's begging, Lily can see it, but knows Meg is too pissed to. Kaya's screaming for her and Meg's ears are deaf to it.
Meg is the first to blink, jaw slack as her eyes shine. WHen she speaks, her voice burns with emotion. "Slag."
This, just as Kat snags and downs a shot, sudden sobriety at what she just heard fighting a painful battle with Captain Morgan as it pushes its way down her throat.
Suddenly, this was all a little too real.
The TV continues to blare in the background, nobody moving to turn it off, nobody taking notice to anything outside of what's going on between them. Stuck in a bubble, part of an inside joke that isn't funny.
Before Kathryn can even breathe, Meg sets her sights on her. "I know you can't help being a prat, but could you try not to bring everyone down with you?"
The words sink in. Meg turns to leave, stops beside Lily and asks without looking up. "Make sure she gets to her room okay?"
Lily nods, fingers wrapping gingerly around Meg's wrist. The pulse beats furiously against her, like morse code. Help.
She has to practically carry Kat to her bed. Kat shifts from draping herself over Kaya to draping herself over Lily and, almost predictably, her lips search. "Stop it."
"Why won't you kiss me?" She giggles, hot breath against Lily's cheek. "You're gonna have to tomorrow. It's your jobbbb!"
"Shut up, you're drunk."
"Shut up, you're not drunk." She holds up the nearly empty bottle. "But I can fix it!"
"I'm not drinking."
"Why not, maybe then you'll want to kiss me."
"I don't much like to drink just so I can kiss someone."
"What's that?" Kat pushes away from her, falling against the wall, head slamming back. Lily sighs, just about ready to cry, as she rubs the back of her head. Kat slaps her hand away. "Accusing me of something?"
"No, just - "
Kat shakes her head, and Lily's shocked to see tears in her eyes. "I'll have you know - !"
She pauses, a long belch, before continuing: "I'd kiss you sober, too."
Lily sighs again, and now she's certain tears are falling from her eyes. "Kathryn..."
The harsh drunkenness is replaced by a softness, a small hand delicate along Lily's cheek, thumb brushing away the wetness. "You're crying. Why are you crying?"
"You're being stupid."
She matches that with a smile that's equally idiotic and disarming. "Why don't you join me?"
"No."
"What're you so afraid of? Don't you trust me?"
"It's not about trust."
"It is." Kat's hand curls around the back of Lily's neck but doesn't pull, just rests there, skin against skin, warmth. "I would never hurt you."
"You have hurt me, Kat."
"When?"
"Every day."
Kat passes out soon after. Lily manages to get her into bed, removing her shoes and pulling the cream sheets over her, as the redhead curls into the fetal position. Her hand tucked under her chin, nose buried into the soft pillow, Lily's hand fights temptation to stroke her cheek.
A glass of water on the bedside table, a bowl beside the mattress, just in case.
Kaya's on the floor, against the couch, head resting back on the cushion as her eyes stare blankly up at the ceiling. Wordlessly, Lily joins her.
A good few minutes pass in silence, before:
"So...you and Megan."
"Megan..." Kaya shakes her head, sits up, her head tipping forward, bitter little smile. In lieu of saying anything else, she tops off the rum.
Lily gently takes the bottle out of her hands, not that Kaya notices. "What's the deal with that, then?"
"There's no deal." Kaya clears her throat, but it's too late, Lily hears the catch in her words. "She cares too much."
"You're pushing her away because she cares about you too much?" White bites down into pink, but she can't resist for long: "Do I even need to point out how mental that is?"
"You're pushing Kat away and you don't even know how she feels."
Her plan succeeds - Lily stumbles. Words stolen from her, she tries to deny her way out. "She doesn't..."
"You don't know, Lily." Kaya's hand over hers, a squeeze. "How are you ever supposed to find out?"
to be continued...
what they say. what they don't say. what they will say. what they'll never say. lily loveless/kathryn prescott. kaya scolodario/megan prescott. 8469 words. pg-13.
notes: meant for the skins!bigbang, but I already have two other fics for that. Plus, I'm impatient. So...yeah.
mix for this fic here.
Kathryn Prescott was the first.
It seems fateful, now, fitting right into its slot in this silly little story with the ease in which hair curled around Lily's finger. In which bottom lip disappeared under the bite of teeth as she stared - furiously curious - at the girl eagerly stepping into the classroom.
She said, before the rest filed in, before the workshop officially started, before she had to: "Hi, my name's Kathryn."
She held her hand out, tiny looking and tinier still as it wrapped around Lily's hand, a squeeze, firm and sure. Her palm was soft, fingers softer.
"Loveless," she hiccuped, cleared her throat, sat up straighter. "Lily Loveless."
Kathryn had cocked an eyebrow, smirked, and perhaps this was the moment when Lily was done for.
The teacher entered at last, speaking over the chatter and calling attention to the center of the classroom, away from everybody's individual conversations. It was only then that Lily realized her and Kathryn were still shaking hands - or, rather, still holding hands.
(There is no perhaps: this was when Lily, deep down, knew something had started.)
After, a group of them headed over to someone's flat (Lily doesn't care for these details) and shared a spliff in the garage. Lily's eyes met Kathryn's amidst the smoke. There was a ghost of a smile, hiding, as her eyes intently remained.
(To this day, Lily still doesn't know how long they were staring at each other.
What she does know is that Kathryn was the first to look away. And so she did the same.)
The next day, fifteen minute break, Lily grabbed her pack of fags and headed out to the bleachers. She sat at the bottom, feet pointed crooked and scraping into the gravel as she fidgeted with the cardboard. She fingered a smoke out, eventually, but it remained unlit as she fiddled with it, touching the filter to her mouth as her thoughts drifted.
Feeling someone's eyes on her, she looked up and saw Kathryn walking her way. Suddenly, she was determined to avoid looking listless and put extra focus on lighting her fag. Her lighter, however, refused to cooperate, and instead she felt a fool after about twelve unsuccessful tries.
"Would you like a light?" Lily looked up to see Kathryn leaning against the rail, eyebrows creased in curiosity. She nearly laughed at how genuine the question was. Tossing her crappy lighter in the bin, she nodded so hard that the fag fell from her lips and into her lap.
After the reassuring bite of smoke in her lungs, she held her pack out. "Want one?"
"Oh, I didn't mean it like I was only - "
"No, isn't that," Lily quickly assured her, an involuntary crack in her voice. She shrugged it off. "Just being friendly."
Lily had never seen a sweeter smile on a prettier face. "Thank you."
Instead of handing the lighter back to her, Lily - for the life of her not knowing why - leaned forward and lit the end of the fag herself. It didn't occur to her as an out of the ordinary move until her eyes met Kathryn's, puff of smoke followed by a shy little smile. But it was the color rising in her cheeks that jolted her more.
She had never felt so cool and yet so foolish.
Break ended and, once inside, Kathryn asked to be her partner in the exercises. She did it so abruptly, and yet so casually.
"Is that alright?" she had asked.
(Lily still can't describe the odd expression on Kathryn's face, other than it compelling her to say yes to whatever she wanted.)
So Lily had nodded, did her best to shrug it off.
The workshop eventually came to an end.
Again, a group of them decided to hang out afterwards, as sort of a 'nice knowing you' party. After a workshop in acting, it was rather easy to lie to parents about having an innocent sleepover at someone's flat - it was just a matter of not informing them of the fact that said someone's parents were out of town for the weekend. Spliffs were joined by cheap rum and once the effects settled in, someone came up with the grand idea to play I Never.
Inevitably: "I've never kissed a girl."
It was Kathryn that said it, to even the score after one of the boys pulled the 'never kissed a lad' card. Nearly all the girls with the exception of Kathryn and Lily took a swig of the rum.
Kat looked at Lily in surprise. "Never?"
"You've never, either!" Lily was quick to point it out, perhaps too quick in retrospect, the look on Kat's face one of curiosity more than anything, and really, Lily should've seen this as a sign of what was to come.
But she didn't. It wasn't until later. Once everyone had filtered into their own spaces or left completely, when Lily had gone out for a smoke in front of the apartment complex and ran into a tipsy Kathryn. It wasn't until Kathryn had given up on trying to find a signal on her mobile and tossed it into the bushes that Lily knew -
"Hey," Kathryn had breathed, the bite of rum on her breath. She stepped closer. "Hey, Lily."
"H-hey." Kathryn stopped only when their toes touched. "Kathryn, what - ?"
"Shut up."
She tilted her head to the left, then to the right, smiling, chuckling at herself, and it was simultaneously chaste and intimate as her nose brushed Lily's and finally, so did her lips.
The hesitance melted immediately into sureness, a shake of eagerness. One of them - maybe both - gasped. Lily didn't care to figure out which, the inhale cutting sharp against her lips and she reached, hand curling around the back of Kathryn's neck, fingers tangling in her hair. She kissed her again, and she knew that time it was Kathryn who gasped. Lily's knuckles scraped along the brick wall as she impulsively reached her hand into the back pocket of Kathryn's jumpers.
Her arms lifted up to wrap around Lily, the cold bottom of rum pressing between her shoulder-blades until it finally slipped out of her grasp, shattering on the stone path.
The window above them turned bright as someone inside stirred awake. "Bloody fucking - !"
They ran, Kathryn with a death grip on Lily's hand as they sprinted down the street, taking a sharp right and cutting through a back alley before they ended up on the next block. Catching their breath - hunkered over, pathetically coughing - their eyes met, and in an instant they broke out into laughter.
"Think he'll be even madder when he realizes the rum's gone?"
"The rum!"
When the laughter finally died down: "Why'd you kiss me?"
"I felt like kissing someone," Kathryn had shrugged, but eventually relented. "Alright, well, I felt like kissing a girl and well, you'd never kissed a girl either. Seemed like a good idea at the time."
(She had sounded so practical about it.)
A bus drove by, headed to the stop further down. Lily, regrettably, knew that she had to - "That's my ride home."
"Oh..." Kathryn straightened. Her expression shifted into something endearingly honest. "You could crash at my place, my mum would be fine with it."
"My dad'll worry." She hated that it sounded like she was using an excuse when it was the honest truth - her dad would be fuming when she finally got in. But then...maybe it was worth it. "Where do you live?"
"Southgate. It's not a long walk from here, actually."
"Let me ring home and let my dad know, alright?"
"We'll do it at my house." Kathryn wrapped her arms around herself to fend off shivering. "Call your dad, that is. It's freezing."
"I told you you'd need your jacket," Lily sighed, pulling hers off and handing it over to Kathryn, who looks from the proffered jacket to Lily, then back to the jacket, about a dozen times. Lily rolled her eyes, suddenly very embarrassed but determined to act nonchalant. "What? I've got rather thick skin. Was gonna take it off anyways."
Kathryn looked like she knew better. (She probably did.)
The next morning, the last time they'd see each other:
Lily was the first to wake, but only a minute before Kathryn. It had been a quiet moment, one that she'd placed away to remember without even knowing it. Hair tangled in Kathryn's face, fingers tucked under her chin as she slept, curled and content. Her walls were decorated artistically, but not sloppily. Clips from magazines and pages of drawings and colors ripped from notebooks. Ordered chaos was the only thing Lily could conjure up to describe it. And it seemed (it will always seem) perfectly fitting.
A stir and a noise from Kathryn. Lily found herself smiling for a small moment. "Morning."
"Hey?" Kathryn looked confused when her eyes first opened, and it cut Lily deeper than she would ever like to admit. But after rubbing her eyes for a moment, there was a smile there. "You crashed here, then?"
"You were pretty insistent," Lily explained.
"Guess we got a bit too tipsy last night."
"You did."
"I did?" She groaned into her pillow. "I'm sorry. I'm a complete lightweight."
"You weren't horrible." Lily had to fight to keep from chewing on her lip nervously. "You don't remember much, do you?"
"Not much, no." Suddenly, Kathryn's eyes opened wider. "Why? What'd I do?"
The sigh was painful in her chest. "Don't worry, nothing happened."
"Thank goodness..." She winced as she turned on her back, reached awkwardly underneath her to pull out Lily's mobile.
The top light was flashing, which meant...
"Voicemail...? Ten? But..." Lily sat up so fast she nearly got whiplash. "My dad!"
"Didn't you call him when we got in last night?"
"No! Shit! Shit, shit, shit!" Lily reached for her pants, tried to slip them on while searching for her bag, but getting caught in the leg and falling over.
Kathryn shot up, covered her mouth, trying her hardest not to laugh. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, of - of course." Lily found her bag, slipped on her pants and began a new search for her shoes. Kathryn slipped out of her bed to help her, but by the time her feet touched the floor, the shoes had been found.
"I could ask my mum to give you a ride, I'm sure - "
"No, it's... I shouldn't have come here." Immediately, Lily had regretted the words. But when she looked up at Kathryn, she hadn't seen any hurt there. She regretted that, too. Shoes on, she maneuvered her way to the door, pausing once opened. "Have fun in Glasgow, yeah?"
Kathryn nodded. "I'll see you around?"
"Yeah."
It was a lie. As much as she'd wanted it to be true, it was still a lie. And they both knew it. No numbers were exchanged. It was easier that way.
At least, that's what she'd convinced herself.
(Cowardice, Lily thinks, is far too common a disease.
The truth holds heavy, choking her out of sleep. She knows. She knows and that's the end of it.
Her mantra: Anyone who thinks they have even the tiniest hold on their destiny is off in the head.
There's a laugh, somewhere. Destiny. Like she's Harry Potter or Frodo Baggins or something. She's not, though. She's just Lily.
She's just a coward.)
After auditions, before filming, the entire cast goes out to dinner, to meet and fraternize and all that loveliness. And, really, as much of a good sport Lily is in regards to awkward social situations, it's when she finds out the names of the others, one in particular standing out, that she starts to look forward to the dinner.
She thinks, no, it couldn't be. It won't be.
But then she sees her.
She sees her smile first. Then her hair. The red is like a beacon, but it's the smile that draws cross-armed Lily from her wallflower spot in the corner into the crowded waiting room. Kathryn meets her halfway.
"Hey."
"Hey."
It happens as simple as that, and yet Lily is still left breathless.
A girl walks up beside Kathryn, and Lily nearly chokes on her drink in how similar they look. Though she doesn't say anything, Lily's sure her face gives way to surprise. Kathryn seems far from bothered by it. "My sister, Megan. Meg, this is Lily - "
"Lily?" Megan repeats, a familiarity in her voice that surprises Lily, but then she winces when Kathryn steps on her foot. "The fuck, Kat?!"
"Sorry, got pushed," Kathryn says to her over the hostess calling a party's name. Before Megan can say much else, Jamie approaches with Kaya and Lisa.
"Ladies." He introduces them all. Megan looks shocked into silence for the briefest moment, before her expression is wiped clean and replaced with a friendly smile. "Nice to meet you. Kaya, right?"
Kaya isn't smiling, but it isn't boredom in her eyes, either. She looks like she wants to slink away into the crowd, away from this entire conversation. Finally, she holds out her hand. "Yeah, it's Kaya. You must be Megan, then?"
"This is Kat, my sister."
"Sister?" Kaya looks over at her twin and cocks an eyebrow, finally smiles. She finishes her drink. She looks at Megan, and the smile, peculiarly, digs deep. "Drinking around you two is going to be fun. A constant game of who's who."
"You can tell the difference," Megan sighs and Lily's already sure she hears this far too often.
"You're not even identical, are you?" She decides to ask, looks at Kat for a long moment before glancing to Megan for good measure. "Definitely a difference."
And it's true. They're both beautiful, of course, but Kathryn...she looks different from - but still somehow the same as - before. There's a comfort in her own skin that seems more pronounced than before -
Before.
There's a brief disconnect between her brain and the rest of her body, and she remains with her eyes glued, unable to speak even her name. Finally, she lets go of the thoughts acts as normal as she can manage.
(The memories still creep up.)
They share a taxi after. First stop is at Lily's and Kathryn gets out with her and actually walks her to the front door. On the stoop of Lily's flat, in lieu of goodbye, Kathryn leans in and kisses her on the apple of her cheek, breath a warm relief from the cold air biting at their faces. Lily's suddenly suffocated by panic. Kat squeezes her arm, and it shocks her back to life.
"It was really good seeing you again."
Fight or flight. Lily steps inside and rasps out a quick goodnight. Once the door's closed, she's against it, grasping the solidity of the doorknob.
She goes to bed angry, regret gnawing at her for not even making eye contact, not even trying to see what Kathryn's expression was, if she could read it, if could see what she was thinking -
If, if, if.
She practically growls herself to sleep. Pull yourself together.
The next time they see each other, at first rehearsals, Lily feels a sense of dread over things being awkward, but if Kathryn had noticed anything weird before, she doesn't act like it.
It'd be a lie to say she's relieved.
Arriving early one day, Lily stops at the door when she sees inside -
Kathryn at the large bay window, curled up under a duvet. Facing east, the sunrise would normally be painting the ugly grey carpet a more pleasing tone, would cause Kat's hair to look electrifyingly red. But the overcast keeps the room a gloomy gray, flourescant light and a small puff of fog on the window from Kathryn's breath.
After a moment, Lily finally remembers to step inside. Kathryn smiles the second she sees her. "It's bloody freezing in here!"
"Couldn't tell," Lily says, rubbing her arms for friction. "First one in?"
A nod, smile never once wavering. (Not that Lily really notices.)
"How was your night last night?"
"Hmm? Oh, alright. Stayed in and watched the telly."
"Not much of a partyer?"
"No, I am, s'just - " Lily shrugs, dropping her bag on the ground. She's headed over to sit at the reading table when she sees Kathryn pull her legs in to make room on the windowsill. "It's Bristol. Don't really...know anybody."
Kathryn's brows furrow and she looks at Lily like she's crazy. "You know me, don't you?"
Lily's laugh is more like a nervous hiccup. "I do, I do."
"You know what I just realized?" She leans forward, holding her phone out. "We don't have each other's numbers. If we do, then this whole staying in to watch the telly thing won't become a habit."
"You act like I holed myself up with fifteen cats or something."
Kat laughs, and they exchange numbers before she finally says something. "You'll go out with me tonight, we'll have fun."
"Is that a promise?"
"Is that a challenge?"
All Lily can think to say: "Perhaps."
When Kathryn picks Lily up that night, Megan's with her. "Double the Prescott fun for you."
Kathryn rolls her eyes, pockets her mobile and nods to the cab idling. "You ready?"
They meet Kaya, Jack and Luke outside before heading in the club. Through Jack's doing, none of their I.D.'s are checked before heading in and they all file through the crowd towards the bar once inside. Walking in behind Kathryn, Lily - much to her annoyance - is given full view of guys reactions to the redhead once she's walked past. Once at the bar, Kaya's actually the one that points it out.
"I wonder if any of them realize how young we actually are," Kaya says aloud, voice cracking with laughter halfway through. She nudges Kathryn. "What d'you think?"
Kathryn laughs, doesn't even turn around. "Not interested."
"Boyfriend?"
"No, no," Kathryn looks disturbed at just the thought. Despite being all of three inches away from Kaya, she has to yell into her ear to be heard over the music. "Just not liking this crowd, is all."
Kaya eventually nods. "Can't argue with that."
Despite this, she disappears into the crowd, leaving just Lily and Kathryn at the bar as they wait for their drinks.
"Having fun?"
"Once I have my drink I will be."
"You're telling me." The irritation hasn't worn off yet and she notices, looks at Lily apologetically. "Sorry, I'll be more fun. I just don't like talking about... Just got out of a stupid...thing, is all."
Just as their drinks are delivered, but before Lily can say anything, Jack slides in out of nowhere."And so what you're getting at, love, is that you're looking to work hard and play harder? Am I right?"
Only momentarily does Kathryn look irritated, before settling into...something else, something playful. She looks over to him. "You are right. I love playing hard."
Jack cocks an eyebrow. "Do you now?"
"Yeah. It's distracting, too. I can't work, without having...thoughts. Got a solution for that kind of problem?"
"A solution?" Jack makes a point of straightening his shirt, clearing his throat and leaning in closer. "Got several."
"Really?" Kathryn bounces on her stool in excitement. "I'm so relieved, because I've yet to try this strap-on I bought a while back and - "
"St - strap on?" Jack falters, looks to Lily, who can barely contain a grin behind her drink. His smile is gone in a second.
"Yeah, strap-on." Kathryn chugs the rest of her beer, slamming down the empty glass next to Jack's still-full drink. "How do you feel about being bottom? Shall I pay my tab and we could..."
Finally, Lily can't take it anymore - the eager way Kathryn points over her shoulder to the exit, the confusion on Jack's face giving way to fear then to realization and, finally, to amused with a touch of annoyance. "Alright, alright, you got me, kitty cat."
Kathryn makes sure she looks extra pouty. "But I thought you wanted the strap-on..."
Jack points at her as he backs away into the crowd. "S'not funny!"
Kathryn can't keep from giggling. "I think it's funny."
The first time they share a flat for filming, Lily stumbles into the kitchen for a midnight snack, only to find Kathryn had beaten her to the punch. Legs crossed on the stool, she leans against the counter with a spoon that's too big for her and a bucket of ice cream halfway finished. She doesn't say anything, just nods at Lily, a slight turn of her lips, tired eyes following her as she walks into the kitchen.
After pouring some water, Lily leans against the far side of the counter and holds the glass with both hands, securely. Feeling Kathryn's eyes on her, she looks up. "Can't sleep?"
The redhead shrugs, digging out an enormous scoop. She's still looking at her, curiosity brimming in those brown eyes.
After a good minute of silence, Lily can't help herself: "What?"
The smile gains more prominence as she licks her spoon clean. "Sorry, it's just... I was thinking of the last time we saw each other."
"Earlier today?" Lily hates when people play dumb, but it comes out far easier than actually acknowledging -
"Why didn't we exchange numbers then?" Kathryn looks away as she asks this, down at her melting ice cream.
"We - " Lily straightens a little, the counter digging into her back being the least of her concerns. Her voice catches and she bites back the crack in her throat. "You remember that?"
She looks up, caught off guard and confused. "Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't...know."
"It's actually always, you know..." Kathryn shrugs, laughs and it's shy, so much so that it pulls at Lily's attention more than anything. "Bothered me."
"That we didn't exchange numbers?" Lily asks, because she has to make sure, make sure she isn't crazy, isn't grasping onto whatever this might be. She thinks of the night they met again, Kathryn walking her home, the damp pavement and the musky smell after the rain. Kathryn's lips on her cheek. Her hands start to shake a little, so she turns away, pretends she's tidying up the already clean kitchen.
She hears the lid being put back on the ice cream, the scrape of the spoon on the counter, and she knows before it even happens that -
Kathryn's just behind her. No choice, Lily turns back around and she's right there.
(It'd be a lie if she said she couldn't feel the warmth of her breath, maybe a slight quiver to it. It'd be a lie if she said she didn't like it.)
But then, after a long moment, Kathryn smiles in amusement and nods at the fridge behind Lily. "Sort of...need to put this away."
They get the scripts for episode four and -
"Looks like Kathryn and I are going to snog."
Megan's face registers surprise, mouth agape as she searches for words until she ultimately bursts into a fit of laughter, followed quickly by her sister and Lily.
When the laughter dissipates: "It's Kat."
Lily looks over at Kathryn, confused. "What's that?"
"Call me Kat." She hold up the script and laughs. "Figure if we're going through with this, might as well be a bit more familiar with each other."
"If?" Lily asks, doesn't know why, a slyness to her voice that surprises.
Kat looks at her deadly serious for what feels like forever until, finally, she smirks. "Since we're going through with this, then."
"If you insist," Lily can hear the smile in her voice more than feel it. "Kat."
A squeak of laughter ends the moment and Lily remembers that Meg's still in the room. She's pointing at them. "Gonna get familiar with each other, yeah?"
Kat's face hardens in what is clearly sisterly annoyance. Her tone is challenging. "Yeah, we are."
A sigh finishes out Meg's laughing fit as she tilts her head and looks at her sister. "I didn't know you were a method actor."
"Piss off." An apple is thrown, but amusement mixes in with the annoyance, and she even smiles. Meg catches the apple, thanks her and leaves with a wry smile that Lily's sure she meant for them both to see.
(The drinking games are inevitable. Jack and Kat are nearly always the instigators. This comes to surprise no one after a while. And every time Kat flashes her evil little 'master plan' smile, Lily comes running.
This surprises no one either.)
Jack and Kaya. It happens. Nobody knows when or how or why or for how long, but, really, everybody knows them well enough to realize none of that really matters. It's Jack and Kaya, whatever they are. It is what it is.
It goes unspoken for a while, surprisingly. A cast full of teenagers and the gossip sets in like honey, until suddenly the jar breaks and the mess gets everywhere.
(Lily uses lame metaphors to avoid having to describe the reality:
It's her, Meg and Ollie heading back from lunch, laughing and joking, a regular Wednesday, walking into the break room to find Kaya sprawled out on the couch, Jack above her with his hand down her pants.
At least metaphors - even the lame ones - are far less unflattering.)
"We're all alike anyways." Kaya says one day, pointedly looking to the other end of the room, where Kat's running lines with Megan: "Wanting something for no reason than just wanting it."
Jack finds a party for them. This is generally a clue to approach with hesitance, but Kat is eager and grabs ahold of Lily's hand in the doorway, pulling. "You're coming with."
"I'm not sure..."
"It'll be fun."
"Like the last party he found for us?"
"That party wasn't his fault, and that fight got broken up, whoever those wankers were. We even got out of there before the cops - "
"Party, fight, wankers and cops? Not exactly the best group of words, Kat."
"Don't you want to have fun tonight?"
"Of course I do - "
"Then you're coming, come on." She pulls her again, Lily refuses to budge, so she puts her entire weight into it, yanking her out into the hallway so hard and fast that Lily can't stop in time. They fall against the opposite wall, Kat laughing and Lily quickly stepping back, eliminating contact. "Lily Loveless, I demand you come to the party with me."
"Demand?"
"Yeah, that's right." She bats her eyelashes, smirks. "Come on, you're my partner at these things. Please?"
Lily goes with, of course. The taxi ride over they share with Meg, Kat in between them with a bottle of Maker's Mark and a bottle of Coke. Intermittently, she takes shots. By the time they end up at the party, she trips out of the cab.
"Jesus..." Meg pays the driver while Lily grabs ahold of Kat's hand, pulling her out of the street.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I think I got most of the drinking done in the cab..."
"Hadn't noticed."
"Oh, shut up."
Jack (of course) instigates the beer pong. Kat (of course) convinces Lily to be her partner.
"We'll use this!" She holds up the already half-empty Maker's Mark.
Just as Lily makes a noise of disagreement, Kat turns and begins to set up the game. They win their first, only barely. This shred of luck, though, doesn't last long, and they swiftly lose their second. After Kat argues for a rematch, they only get halfway through before things start to shift into completely different territory. Lily bends over to grab a dropped pong ball, and when she stands up, she finds soft lips against her cheek, Kat's arm wrapping firm around her waist, pulling her close. The contact both electrifies and burns.
"Kiss me," her lips across skin, moving closer to hers.
"Kat," Lily inhales sharply. She is suddenly aware of how very not alone they are. Can see out of the corner of her eye Megan looking on curiously, and it brings all the blood to her cheeks in the most unflattering way possible. She tries to laugh it off, twist her body perpendicular to but still against Kat's. "I'm not going to kiss you."
"Fine," Kat acts - is? - offended and stumbles over to - "I'll just make out with Kaya then."
And make out with her she does. Kat commences to sit in Kaya's lap, Kaya eager enough to go along with it, enthusiastically grabbing either side of Kat's face as the kiss briefly intensifies. Lily goes over to stop it but -
She stops herself instead. This isn't my place, is it? Megan looks horrified. Lily sees this, too - and it certainly doesn't help matters. Jack gawks, laughs, while Luke just shakes his head and looks away.
Lily, finally - "Come on, Kat."
She pulls her off of Kaya's lap, pulls her out the door onto the back patio. Kat immediately stumbles, Lily grabbing onto her and easing her against the wall. "Kat..."
"I know," she sighs exaggeratedly. "I'm drunk."
"A bit."
Meg comes out with a bottle of water, crossing her arms once Lily's taken and thanked her for it, looking at her sister with a mixture of annoyance and concern. "She alright?"
"I just need a sip of - " Kat finally sees the proffered bottle. She smiles brightly. "You read my mind!"
The corner of Meg's mouth turns up briefly, before she remembers that she's annoyed with her sister. She gives Lily a look. "Doesn't know her limit, probably never will. You can head back inside, I'll - "
"Hey," Lily nods to the door, where a roar of noise and laughter suddenly erupts from. "You're bound to have more fun in there than I will. I've got her, okay?"
Meg looks at her curiously. "You don't have to."
"It's alright, I - "
"Want to," Meg finishes, nods. (Lily feels pathetic thinking it, but she's sure that they've come to an understanding.) The younger twin reaches out and brushes the hair out of her sister's eyes, before giving Lily one last look and heading inside.
A hiccup. "Far too dramatic, she is."
This is when Kathryn finally doubles over and retches.
The sun setting red along the horizon, Kat's hair brighter still, and Lily catches herself staring far too many times.
"You should quit," she says, through the puff of smoke between them.
Lily cocks her head, takes another drag. She smiles out the smoke. "I should?"
"Yeah, actually." Kat looks her directly, seriously. Then a pull at her lip, almost a smile, and she looks away quietly.
After a few minutes, keeping their eyes straight ahead:
"Appreciate the concern."
"Don't mention it."
One day on set, Lily finds Meg alone in the bathroom. Her face hides behind tissues. The sound of her crying fades faint into the tile. "Megan, what - ?"
She just shakes her head, doesn't look her way. Lily doesn't say anything else, closes the door behind her, walks over and wraps her up in a hug. After a long moment, she can feel Meg relax against her.
Lily stays watch at the door while she reapplies her makeup, still not a word between them. Finished, Meg grabs Lily's arm before she can leave.
"Don't tell anyone, okay?"
She doesn't.
It's not like it's hard to notice the way Kat's tongue darts out just before she kisses her. The wetness of her bottom lip catching Lily's leaves little to complain about. Except, in this one instant that they share, everything folds away around them, like a dollhouse crumbling to pieces - no director, no script editors, makeup artists, none of them. It's just them and Lily just wants to kiss her harder, hold her, touch her.
The director yells cut and the bubble is burst as everyone starts moving around, resetting the scene.
(It's not like it's hard to notice the way Kat's tongue darts out just after she kisses her, either.)
One of the crew catches Kat's eye.
He's got a charming smile and, in Lily's opinion, is as fun to be around as a member of Parliament. Kat starts to go on about how gorgeous he is, and how he plays Rugby, and, really, the work days are long enough without having to listen to her list all the things she likes about him, while simultaneously insisting that she isn't looking for anything serious and is only just 'looking'.
(Insert eyeroll from Lily here.)
It's a week into the entire flirtatious thing when Lily officially decides she hates the lad's guts.
After the start of another one of Kat's rambling sessions, Lily quickly changes the subject: "Wanna go out tonight?"
Kat yawns, shakes her head. "M'not up for going out. Don't really have the energy to deal with people or alcohol. Especially alcohol."
Kaya, across the table, rests her head so that she's looking at Lily horizontally. "I'll sacrifice my night and take her spot."
"Will you now?" Kat smirks. "You're such an excellent friend, suffering through a night out just for me."
Lily cocks her head to the side so that she's looking at Kaya straight on. "Unsung hero, you are."
"She'll have to drink Kat's share, so I'd wait 'till the end of the night to call her a hero," Meg says, cross-legged against the wall.
"If I recall correctly," Kaya replies at length, sitting up slowly and looking over at the other twin. "I believe there are two Prescott's on our roster."
"Want a gold star for that observation?"
"Come drink with us."
Lily takes the opportunity: "You should, I don't know if I really want to."
When Meg looks up, her eyes lock with Kaya's for a long moment as the brunette amends her statement: "Come drink with me."
During this, Kat nudges Lily. "Thought you wanted to go out?"
"Was just a suggestion, but I'm pretty tired too." This whole acting thing is getting easier. "Want a movie night?"
Simple little smile: it's enough. "Yeah, sure."
Lily walks into the communal area of their flat to see two joints already rolled, and Kat working on a third. Delicate fingers, flimsy paper, the dark green contrasted with the shock of red hair.
"So it'll be that kind of movie night, then?" The smile is involuntary, especially after Kat looks up with a devilish glint in her eyes.
"Movies are always better this way." A shrug. "Plus, I figure it's a nice bonding method, yeah?"
"Tell the politicians to toss off with their diplomacy and just give everyone a nice fat joint. All the words problems solved like that."
"You can joke all you want, but when that day comes, I'll be laughing."
"Giggling, behind a cloud of smoke, most likely."
Her smile widens, dimples in her cheeks and Lily feels a flush rise to her cheeks. "Eric wants to come over, by the way."
Immediately, all emotions sink, darken, sharpen. "Who?"
"Eric. From set."
"Oh..." It gets lost on her lips, and she's left with a parched mouth. She swallows, winces at the bitterness.
Midnight rolls around, and he still hasn't shown up. Kat sits with her phone, texting away, while Lily finishes off the final joint, at battle with the urge to roll her eyes every time the situation is updated: okay, now he's on his way.
Sure, she wants to say. Lucky you don't have to work tomorrow. Lucky you're just willing to sit around and wait for him while he takes his sweet time, two hours late when his flat is no more than twenty minutes away.
Instead, she nods, keeps her mouth shut except for exhaling circles of smoke.
He finally shows up, at around 2:30, by the time they've finished their third movie and have sunk pathetically into the cushions of the couch. He apologizes, and he probably means it, but Lily doesn't feel keen on giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He sits down at one side of the couch, while Lily slinks to the other, Kat between them. Awkward quiet, the low hum of the movie none of them are paying attention to keeping complete silence at bay. When the credits roll, Lily doesn't waste time getting off the couch.
"Off to bed?"
"It's three in the morning," is all Lily says.
"Yeah, I'm probably gonna crash soon, too."
Lily closes her bedroom door behind her, but stays near the doorway, not feeling tired at all. She paces for a moment before finally before walking quietly into the bathroom, fighting off how silly she feels for eavesdropping and trying to focus on putting toothpaste on her brush, hoping the process will distract her from -
The sound of them kissing. That gross sound of lips smacking together...the entire thing just sounds dirty to her, and all of her emotions seem to simultaneously sink to the pit of her stomach, leaving her nauseous, and crowding her chest until it feels like it could burst.
He leaves a moment later, but there's no relief, the claustrophobic emotions resilient until she goes back to her room and forces herself to sleep.
She fucking hates this.
Two days later, on set, in between takes. "He's a bit of a wanker."
"Not really."
"Yeah, really. He not only showed up late the other night, but four hours late." Lily looks to Megan for support, but really, it's just so that she doesn't have to look Kat in the eyes, doesn't have to see how genuinely confused the girl is as to why this lad isn't a right pick. It bothers her to see that more than it should. "2:30 in the morning isn't what I'd consider prime time for shooting the shit on the couch, wouldn't you agree?"
"Well, alright, then, I guess I fancy wankers."
"Tell us something we don't know," comes Meg's voice from behind a gossip rag. (Lily wishes she could thank her out loud.)
For lack of a better answer, Kat shrugs. "I like a challenge. Besides, did I let him sleep over last night? No. We were up anyways, so I don't see the big deal."
Lily relents, has no choice otherwise: she can't very well bring up the kiss - as damning evidence as it is - without admitting that she'd been eavesdropping. She sighs, and tries to change her tone for the better: "Maybe the wrong word's being used here. Less wanker and more..."
"Prat-like?" (Meg is Lily's new favorite person.)
"Just think it was pretty clear why he came over."
"Why's that?"
"Come on, you know."
"You act like sex would be so horrible."
"It is when the tosser stands you up for hours and shows up clearly expecting to still get laid. Might as well be a blow-up doll, for how well he treats you."
This clearly strikes a chord with Kat, and for once she doesn't snap back with a retort. It leaves Lily almost regretting her harsh tone.
"Well..." Kat finally says, but nothing ever follows.
"Look," Lily sighs. "I'm sorry, I just don't think he's as nice of a lad as you think. He's not horrible - "
Meg interjects: "Horribly boring."
"But you deserve better than that, alright?" The honest comes out before Lily even has to consider the ramifications. Words hang heavy in the room, accompanied by silence and not much else. Kat looks at Lily with surprise and Lily looks away. She's being honest, but there's no bravery left in her.
"I deserve better?" The words sound foreign on her lips and this, this is what brings Lily to look her in the eyes.
"Yeah," Lily says, as if it's that simple. (It is that simple.) "You do."
Things end between Jack and Kaya as swiftly as it had started. It hardly disturbs the flow of filming, and credit is due for neither holding ill will towards the other. In fact, much to Lily's bewilderment and amusement, they seem to fall into a functioning duo when they go out to clubs.
But problems arise elsewhere - Kaya somehow manages to drink more without Jack than she had with him, and Lily isn't the only one that notices. Meg alternates between concern and irritation at Kaya's antics. One night, the twins and Lily are watching a movie when Kaya abruptly enters the apartment. Just as abruptly, but in a single fluid motion, she dances over to the couch and gracefully drapes herself across Megan, whose cheeks immediately pinch into dimples despite obvious effort otherwise.
But then: Kaya's lips search for Meg's, meet a turned cheek instead. The dimples are gone. "Drank the whole pub under the table, did we?"
Nothing on Kaya's face shifts, with the exception of her bottom lip drawn slightly under teeth. She looks frozen, in eternal contemplation.
Eventually: "You were invited."
"Didn't feel like having to peel you off every cock in the club."
Kaya blanches. She retreats back. "Excuse me?"
A hiss. Quiet, but deadly.
Meg doesn't repeat herself. Meg doesn't say anything at all.
Later, after the twins returned to their room, Lily finds Kaya out on the balcony, silently smoking a cigarette. She's clearly sobered up at this point, but even still, Lily feels compelled to ask: "Are you okay?"
For a brief moment, Lily catches a gleam of familiar emotion, that persistent sadness that weighs down on anything and everything you do. But she blinks and it's gone, and Kaya's face becomes a clean slate, an enigma. "I couldn't be happier."
Finally, one day, Lily pushes too hard. A few weeks had gone by with little to no mention of Eric and Lily, naively, had settled comfortably into the idea that he was out of Kat's life. But then, she oh so casually mentions possibly hanging out with him again and Lily can't help herself:
"Hopefully this time he won't stand you up for four hours."
"Why do you always insist on me hating people?" The edge in Kat's voice cuts sharp, toxic.
There's that familiar clench around Lily's heart. "What? The bloody hell I do."
The strong line of Kat's jaw distracts her, but her words burn through. "No one's ever good enough."
"Yeah, well - "
No one is good enough. Not for you.
"That's the problem, see. Everyone is just good enough for you, aren't they?"
Kat: the sharp fury breaking into hurt. Lily: anger giving way to regret.
Kat takes a step back, arms wrapping around herself, a shock of wetness in her eyes as she looks away.
The regret can't come quickly enough, dropping heavy like stones. She'd give anything to just sink into the ground, away from this. From what they've become.
From what she's become.
(She knows she's being unfair. Purely selfish. Too cowardly to act, too selfish to let anyone else.
She starts to hate herself for it.)
Naomi's episode. Lily's stomach feels like it's been turned topsy turvey the entire leading up to filming. Kat seems, as usual, unbothered, and this ruffles Lily's feathers more than usual, to the point that she's tense with irritation every time she's around the redhead.
Eventually, Kat notices. She corners - literally corners - Lily in the dressing room when they're alone. Actually pushes at her a little, too. "You mad at me or something?"
"Ow," Lily rubs her shoulder. "Now I am."
A roll of her eyes, "Come on, I'm not stupid. You think I haven't noticed you acting weird lately? What's wrong?"
"It's noth - "
"Don't." There's genuine hurt in Kat's voice. "Don't lie. I asked you what's wrong, so tell me."
"Demanding, aren't we?"
"Lily!" Kat growls - growls! - and there's really no denying that.
"It's just... alright, I'm not handling this very well. This episode." Lily adds quickly, "You know, having the whole episode to myself, practically. It's... a lot."
Kat softens, though she doesn't look entirely convinced. "Yeah, I'd imagine."
"Wish I could say I work well under pressure, but that's a fucking lie."
"I wouldn't have believed you if you said it," Kat smiles. "Is that really all, though? I feel like...well, like you were only acting weird around me. Self-involved, right? But..."
Lily's mistake here is that she looks away. She can't stop herself in time and Kat, of course, notices. "What? I was right, then?"
"No, it isn't... " Lily runs a hand across her face, a frustrated sigh. She tries to move past Kat, but Kat places both hands on either side of her, trapping her.
"Don't. Come on, Lily, you're my best friend, I can't just act like nothing's wrong when something clearly is."
Lily rolls her eyes to downplay it. "You've read the script, yeah? Can't expect me to not be a little... wary of what we're gonna do."
"Wary?" Kat actually laughs. "Come on, it's just a bit of snogging."
"How can you act like it's not a big deal."
"Is it?" She looks genuinely surprised at the concept. "I'd rather snog you than anyone else."
"You... you would?"
"You, on the other hand, have the pleasure of tonguing Jack." Kat rolls her eyes. "Try not to get any funny ideas, though."
"What kind of funny ideas? Like, I'm going to snog him and be so completely turned on that I'll take him in this room and go crazy - "
Kat steps back, shaking her head in disgust. "Ew, ew. Don't even joke about that."
"What? I'm young, I have needs. And according to Kaya, he's quite the - "
"What did I say? No joking about that."
"Who says I'm joking?" Lily cocks an eyebrow, but then finally laughs, pushing past Kat. "Why does it bother you so much anyways?"
"I dunno, the idea of you two... It just doesn't fit." Kat follows her over to the couch. "He doesn't seem like your type."
"And who seems like my type, then?"
"I don't know what your type is, actually, but I'm pretty certain Jack doesn't fit the parameters."
"Paramaters? I didn't know my fanny had requirements."
"Oh, yours doesn't, but mine does?"
"Pretty much." Kat smacks her arm. "I'm only kidding."
After their conversation, Lily - stupidly, naively, idiotically - thinks that things will get better.
She's wrong. Of course.
Kaya and Kat go out drinking together that night while Lily stays in with Meg, who looks sullen as she keeps her eyes glued on the telly.
When they arrive back, they trip over themselves and nearly fall flat on their faces in the doorway.
"What're you looking at?" Kaya slurs, arm hooking further around Kat's shoulder. The red haired girl giggles into her rum, oblivious, but Kaya, Kaya just looks at Meg, doesn't blink. She's begging, Lily can see it, but knows Meg is too pissed to. Kaya's screaming for her and Meg's ears are deaf to it.
Meg is the first to blink, jaw slack as her eyes shine. WHen she speaks, her voice burns with emotion. "Slag."
This, just as Kat snags and downs a shot, sudden sobriety at what she just heard fighting a painful battle with Captain Morgan as it pushes its way down her throat.
Suddenly, this was all a little too real.
The TV continues to blare in the background, nobody moving to turn it off, nobody taking notice to anything outside of what's going on between them. Stuck in a bubble, part of an inside joke that isn't funny.
Before Kathryn can even breathe, Meg sets her sights on her. "I know you can't help being a prat, but could you try not to bring everyone down with you?"
The words sink in. Meg turns to leave, stops beside Lily and asks without looking up. "Make sure she gets to her room okay?"
Lily nods, fingers wrapping gingerly around Meg's wrist. The pulse beats furiously against her, like morse code. Help.
She has to practically carry Kat to her bed. Kat shifts from draping herself over Kaya to draping herself over Lily and, almost predictably, her lips search. "Stop it."
"Why won't you kiss me?" She giggles, hot breath against Lily's cheek. "You're gonna have to tomorrow. It's your jobbbb!"
"Shut up, you're drunk."
"Shut up, you're not drunk." She holds up the nearly empty bottle. "But I can fix it!"
"I'm not drinking."
"Why not, maybe then you'll want to kiss me."
"I don't much like to drink just so I can kiss someone."
"What's that?" Kat pushes away from her, falling against the wall, head slamming back. Lily sighs, just about ready to cry, as she rubs the back of her head. Kat slaps her hand away. "Accusing me of something?"
"No, just - "
Kat shakes her head, and Lily's shocked to see tears in her eyes. "I'll have you know - !"
She pauses, a long belch, before continuing: "I'd kiss you sober, too."
Lily sighs again, and now she's certain tears are falling from her eyes. "Kathryn..."
The harsh drunkenness is replaced by a softness, a small hand delicate along Lily's cheek, thumb brushing away the wetness. "You're crying. Why are you crying?"
"You're being stupid."
She matches that with a smile that's equally idiotic and disarming. "Why don't you join me?"
"No."
"What're you so afraid of? Don't you trust me?"
"It's not about trust."
"It is." Kat's hand curls around the back of Lily's neck but doesn't pull, just rests there, skin against skin, warmth. "I would never hurt you."
"You have hurt me, Kat."
"When?"
"Every day."
Kat passes out soon after. Lily manages to get her into bed, removing her shoes and pulling the cream sheets over her, as the redhead curls into the fetal position. Her hand tucked under her chin, nose buried into the soft pillow, Lily's hand fights temptation to stroke her cheek.
A glass of water on the bedside table, a bowl beside the mattress, just in case.
Kaya's on the floor, against the couch, head resting back on the cushion as her eyes stare blankly up at the ceiling. Wordlessly, Lily joins her.
A good few minutes pass in silence, before:
"So...you and Megan."
"Megan..." Kaya shakes her head, sits up, her head tipping forward, bitter little smile. In lieu of saying anything else, she tops off the rum.
Lily gently takes the bottle out of her hands, not that Kaya notices. "What's the deal with that, then?"
"There's no deal." Kaya clears her throat, but it's too late, Lily hears the catch in her words. "She cares too much."
"You're pushing her away because she cares about you too much?" White bites down into pink, but she can't resist for long: "Do I even need to point out how mental that is?"
"You're pushing Kat away and you don't even know how she feels."
Her plan succeeds - Lily stumbles. Words stolen from her, she tries to deny her way out. "She doesn't..."
"You don't know, Lily." Kaya's hand over hers, a squeeze. "How are you ever supposed to find out?"
to be continued...