Is there really a neverland? NOT in Michael Jackson's backyard...
Okay. Today is Sunday, the 28th of November. On Thanksgiving, I went to Ham Lake, to my oldest brother's house. He combined Thanksgiving with his oldest daughter's 7th birthday. Well, It was fine, I guess. Food was alright, could barely finish what I had on my plates, and then plus cake. Yeah, it was just alright. Then, afterwards, me, my mom, and my younger sister went shopping for the Hmong New year, which was Friday, Saturday, and today. My sister got a pair of shoes, and i got nothing, cuz all we went to was asian stores, and they apparently don't seem to carry shoes above size 7.5. Yah... Anyways. later that night, me and joli were gonna get together, with Jeff, because he was in town. On my way to Joli's, i rear-ended a car. Just my luck, it was a car full of white surburbian, rich, snotty, ignorant, bitches. Nobody was hurt, but their car had a big dent in it. Ours did too, but that doesn't matter in this case. They called the po-po. The po-po came, and i told myself, "i'm fucked." To make a long story short, I didn't get a ticket or anything. They didn't take away anything of mine, and let me go. I'm not sure why, But i thank god, and my luck was drained out just that night. But, just today, i was thinking, maybe, i should've gotten into a worst accident, to the point of death. Only mine though, because, all the consequences suck, and it's as if, ever since then... Life has only gotten worst. My parents found out the next night...My mom hit me for the first time in years. My dad talked to me like he wasn't even that mad, which made me feel absolutely terrible. I cried and cried... I wanted to just leave. My younger sister was willing to have her bf come get me, and i felt like she was the only person on the face of the earth who gave a shit about my existence. Just thinking about it right now fucking makes me watery eyed. So, the only person i could reach that i knew gave the least bit of shit about me, was TJ. I call him, he picks up (after trying for about 5 times before that), and says, "what do you want?". I didn't even want to bother asking him to come get me anymore, but, i was desperate to leave. I was supposed to go out for a friend's birthday that night, but i just couldn't. When i called that friend to them him that i couldn't go, he could tell i was crying on the phone. And then another friend, went the same way. I felt terrible, because i know that being out with them would've been good for me, but i couldn't stand to be around anyone who had never seen the worst of me. Anyways...So, yah. I spent the night at TJ's -- i swear to you all, nothing, absolutely NOTHING happened. we slept with seperate blankets even. He took me to work, and then later, expected to pick me up. But ... blah blah blah, he got pissed that i went shopping with a friend from work instead and went out later. I called him today, he's still mad, but asks if i have any money to get food becuase there is none at his house. He called again, and i hung up. That's that, for that. The other issue, is my mom. She threatens to kick me out of the house, because i refuse to wear hmong clothes to the new year. Because i didn't want to freeze to death in a skirt, and i didn't want to carry an extra 20 lbs on me while walking around in a place full of short, snotty, stupid fucking asian people. And, this morning, she gives me a ride to work, and the WHOOoLE time,bitches to me about how i'm a whore, slut, cheap hooker, and worthless piece of shit. That i'm a terrible person and i'm not like other hmong daughters, and that i should be, and blah blah blah. Then she gets mad at me because i had to work today, instead of taking the day off to go to the fucking new year. Well, at 1, she comes and picks me up. OH-MY-FUCKING-GOODNESS, she shut up for majority of the ride. UNTIL (yah...got my hopes up too soon), the last 5 minutes or so....starts running her fucking mouth. About the same shit. and About how i'm a terrible person for this and that and that she loves me and does this for me and that for me and i won't even wear hmong clothes for her for new years. that I won't do it cuz i'm too american and that all i do is go for white and black dicks to fuck for free. I know she fucken blows up and says all this shit about me better getting the fuck out of her house and that she's the only family i really have anyways and if i'm gonna be like this, get the fuck out. THEN, tells me to never call her mom again... and etc etc. OH, okay. AND...on friday. the night i had to desperatel escape my house, my younger brother is having his 16th birthday party in our basement. He has maybe, 30-50 people down there. between the ages of 16 and 23. They're all drinking, and blasting music. While i'm sitting there getting pissed and yelled at and hit and sad and just plain fed up. My parents yell at me about how lazy i am and how this and that i am and then 2 minutes later, they go to the store, and come back with his cake (which all his friends gobbled up ungratefully, only due to the fact they had the munchies)and 4/5 packs of pop and more food. AAAAHHH!!!! I JUST WANTED TO THROW A BOMB DOWN THOSE STAIRS!!! So... yah. Today, i'm trying to keep sane again. i'm always so close to breaking down and crying and then putting a fucking knife through my fucken fat self and literally "disappearing off the face of the earth". If not, i honestly am considering going to college in another state or someting FAR. I can't stand the indecision and the shit i'm going through with tj. I can't stand my mom constantly calling me a ugly fat whore. I'm sick of wanting to be wanted, waiting to be loved truthfully and honestly. I just want to die at so many times, but every day, i wake up to something worst. And i do nothing but go on with it because I have no where to go. and GODDAMNIT!!! WHY DOES TJ HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? GAAAAAWWWWWWWWDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!! HOW MUCH I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND SCREAM AND JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HIM SOOOO MUCH!!!! I HATE WHAT HE DOES TO ME AND HOW I LOVE HIM SOO MUCH THAT I LET HIM DO IT....i know everyone thinks i'm just plain stupid and that if that's the issue, forget him. but i can't...its so fucken terribly HARD!!! it makes me hate eveyrone so much. but i can't .... i just, seriously, i really wish i had a gun right now. i'm going insane inside and i cant take it anymore.