(no subject)
well. *sigh* these days have been weird. when i step back and think about it, i've got all these things that i never asked for. awesome, amazingly cool things, but i don't think they're really for me. i've got the job as pastry chef at a fine dining establishment. that is a great job...if you're planning on doing pastry for the rest of your life. but i'm not. i never really was. but for now, i'm stuck there. funny, huh? nobody would feel stuck in my position if this was their goal in life. like...i have absolutely no training in the culinary arts, yet i have at my disposal two women who have spent the time and effort going to school. and for what? because i got stuck working the pastry kitchen by myself for a couple months over the wedding season? if i had gone to school, i would feel like i deserved this, but...i don't even want it. all i wanted when i started was a job baking. i wanted to escape being a server. now, nine months later, i'm one of the bosses in the kitchen. i like the money, and i love the people i work with. i have the work ethic and the desire to make things work, but pastries are not my passion. people are my passion.
i hate them, people, but i love them too. i hate how stupid and judgemental and just blatantly deplorable they can be. however, i like watching them. i like to see how one person can cause a series of reactions and how everyone interacts. i love talking to someone and seeing how amazed they are when i just...know things about them. it's because i observe...not even knowingly. it frustrates me to no end how people can be so oblivious to what their surroundings are, when i'm effortlessly aware of everything happening in my vicinity. i just play dumb most of the time...it makes things easier.
at work, my only social outlet, i am being restricted in how social i can be. i'm one of the few women that works in this kitchen, and i have almost nothing in common with most of the guys in there. so, of course, i talk with the women in the front of the house. mostly the hostesses, because they're my age...and we have the most in common. haha and the guys in the kitchen are not usually the best at speaking english, so i have to tone down my vocabulary and it's hard for me to do that. anyway, now i'm not really allowed to talk to the ladies anymore because they're not doing their jobs properly. now, i understand that this is perfectly logical and they shouldn't talk to me, but this solution is not necessarily effective, and it's mostly detrimental to me. they still sit in the front and talk to each other, without being corrected. but as soon as i walk up to someone and talk, there's somebody coming up behind me and barking at me to get back to work.
also. gah, i only get restless when i know i can't get out of where i am. i can't leave this job. i'm making too much money, and i need it to make my car payments. lately i've been thinking about going to school again, but i haaaaated school. i have to keep this job or a similar one until i finish paying off my car. i'm probably going to just pay as much as i can afford to every month so i knock it out faster, but i'm not comfortable dedicating all of my time to something i'm not truly in love with. speaking of which, carolyn and i are on a break. (i know, i know...old news already. i don't write in this fucking thing though.)
i'm kind of having a hard time dealing with being single. like...i'm not pressed or anything about sex, i just...miss having someone to cuddle with or just talk to about nothing all day. don't make fun...i've had that for 4 years. i'm finally realizing how it's not really cool to be close to only one person, but yeah. it's really hard to think of getting whatever with someone when i know i'm in love and she's in love too. but this is our test, and we have to go through with it. i'm just impatient, because no opportunities have presented themselves, while she has a whole menu of suitors to choose from. she's like "ok, i'm done...i know i love you." and i'm like "uh...i haven't tried anything new yet!" god i'm a loser. plus i'm increeeeedibly picky. anyway...moving on the the next subject.
i'm getting my tattoo soon...i'm going to talk to him and set something up on monday. i've been there three days in a row...every time something new and retarded happens. it's ok, because it'll all be worth it eventually. GOD I'M IRRITABLE! i can't really cheer myself up with all this talk of tattoos. haha but jessica simpson music randomly playing cheered me up a little. at least i smiled. oh shit, i've got to get my cardio in (aka punch shit)! oh well, tomorrow's another day for things to seem less shitty. FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE CLUB BUT I DON'T WANT TO! ...shit ok i'm punching now. just remember, i might be picturing YOUR face on that bag.
i hate them, people, but i love them too. i hate how stupid and judgemental and just blatantly deplorable they can be. however, i like watching them. i like to see how one person can cause a series of reactions and how everyone interacts. i love talking to someone and seeing how amazed they are when i just...know things about them. it's because i observe...not even knowingly. it frustrates me to no end how people can be so oblivious to what their surroundings are, when i'm effortlessly aware of everything happening in my vicinity. i just play dumb most of the time...it makes things easier.
at work, my only social outlet, i am being restricted in how social i can be. i'm one of the few women that works in this kitchen, and i have almost nothing in common with most of the guys in there. so, of course, i talk with the women in the front of the house. mostly the hostesses, because they're my age...and we have the most in common. haha and the guys in the kitchen are not usually the best at speaking english, so i have to tone down my vocabulary and it's hard for me to do that. anyway, now i'm not really allowed to talk to the ladies anymore because they're not doing their jobs properly. now, i understand that this is perfectly logical and they shouldn't talk to me, but this solution is not necessarily effective, and it's mostly detrimental to me. they still sit in the front and talk to each other, without being corrected. but as soon as i walk up to someone and talk, there's somebody coming up behind me and barking at me to get back to work.
also. gah, i only get restless when i know i can't get out of where i am. i can't leave this job. i'm making too much money, and i need it to make my car payments. lately i've been thinking about going to school again, but i haaaaated school. i have to keep this job or a similar one until i finish paying off my car. i'm probably going to just pay as much as i can afford to every month so i knock it out faster, but i'm not comfortable dedicating all of my time to something i'm not truly in love with. speaking of which, carolyn and i are on a break. (i know, i know...old news already. i don't write in this fucking thing though.)
i'm kind of having a hard time dealing with being single. like...i'm not pressed or anything about sex, i just...miss having someone to cuddle with or just talk to about nothing all day. don't make fun...i've had that for 4 years. i'm finally realizing how it's not really cool to be close to only one person, but yeah. it's really hard to think of getting whatever with someone when i know i'm in love and she's in love too. but this is our test, and we have to go through with it. i'm just impatient, because no opportunities have presented themselves, while she has a whole menu of suitors to choose from. she's like "ok, i'm done...i know i love you." and i'm like "uh...i haven't tried anything new yet!" god i'm a loser. plus i'm increeeeedibly picky. anyway...moving on the the next subject.
i'm getting my tattoo soon...i'm going to talk to him and set something up on monday. i've been there three days in a row...every time something new and retarded happens. it's ok, because it'll all be worth it eventually. GOD I'M IRRITABLE! i can't really cheer myself up with all this talk of tattoos. haha but jessica simpson music randomly playing cheered me up a little. at least i smiled. oh shit, i've got to get my cardio in (aka punch shit)! oh well, tomorrow's another day for things to seem less shitty. FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE CLUB BUT I DON'T WANT TO! ...shit ok i'm punching now. just remember, i might be picturing YOUR face on that bag.