patience is overrated.
so yeah. don't bother reading...i just need to let out all the thoughts i've been having recently.
part of me wants to quit my job because i work so much and don't get much recognition for what i actually can do. the chef, sebastien, is quitting, and he's pretty much the only help i have. i love him...he's so funny, and he makes sure i have all my shit together. i'm going to miss him. if we don't find someone to help me before he leaves, i'm going to be working doubles every day until we do. goooooooooood...this is killing me. i'm just bored of my job right now. i spend all of my energy standing around waiting for time to pass, so i can finally go home.
when i go home, i just chill down in the sensory deprivation chamber, also known as my room. the tv isn't working, so i can't watch it or play kingdom hearts. usually by the time i'm home, carolyn's pretty much asleep. so usually, i keep her awake long enough so that i'm tired too, or i let her sleep and i just kind of idle around on the computer. that's what's so horrible right now...i'm just alone all day every day. at work, i'll see people and talk to them for like a minute, but most of the time i'm passing time alone in the pastry kitchen. it sucks because the one big problem i have is that i feel socially inadequate...it's been that way as long as i can remember, and...being isolated the majority of my day doesn't help. when i actually do get to interact with someone, i feel awkward as shit. like a fucking thirteen year old. i know i come across as completely different than who i am, but there's nothing i can do about it. know what else? in my 19 years of existance, i've yet to come across someone (other than my girlfriend) who i've actually opened up to. one person i've ever been close to, and it's my carolyn. i've been told our relationship is unhealthy because we're so close or whatever. i don't understand that logic. i agree, it might be good for me to have someone else i can talk to about my shit besides her, but that would actually require someone else to talk to me and make me feel comfortable with them. it would also require that i didn't work until 10 or 11 every night.
all these people at work act like they want to fuck me...and it's getting ridiculous. to the point where i can't walk across the restaurant without being humped. CAROLYN, COME HOME, BECAUSE I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT! it's exhausting to have to tell these straight girls that we can't do it. ok, i guess i'm not lonely so much as i just want like...a friend haha. but i think at this point, it would have to be a work friend, an after-work friend, or an online friend. OR, i can quit my job and get one with a better schedule. you know...with nights off that aren't monday and tuesday. i just feel like i'm stuck in a trap now. i feel like i've fast forwarded to my mid 30's and i'm still in the same place. i'm 19 fucking years old and i already feel old! i don't trust places that make me feel that way. however, i love all my coworkers, and don't want them to be fucked over because i felt like quitting.
carolyn, i miss you. without you here, every day is meaningless. all day, i wait for the time when i can finally sit down and call you. the days are blurring, along with my vision. i just want you to know that i love and appreciate you more than you can ever begin to imagine. you saved my life, and i will never be able to thank you enough. i'd like it if you came back and saved it again for me, but i hate to put you in that position all the time. you're always my savior, and that's all you ever are to anyone. i want to save you! you're too strong though...you always keep your head up and you always come out on top. i admire that about you. maybe someday i'll acquire that skill, but i doubt it. i've become dependent on your ability to rescue me when i'm being swept away in the ocean of emotions that is my mind. but you can't very well save me when we're not together or even talking very much! enogh of that nonsense. sorry. i love you. come to me soon so i can be whole, if only for a few hours of a night.
am i too in love? is there such a thing? is it beyond love and just a sick obsession now? i don't even know. does she feel the same way i do? am i just in love with her because she's the only one who ever cared? is that wrong? i know it feels perfect, but it's all i know. why do i make things that are simple so complicated?
i've always liked cats, because if a cat likes you, you know it. it's not for any reason but that it loves you. they don't think they owe you anything or that they have to act like they like you so you don't feel bad. plus, they're so fucking cute.
why have i never formed close relationships? am i weird? what's wrong with me? in elementary school, i felt like it was because i didn't know enough. but now...i feel like i know too much. i can do anything. but still, i'm not appealing as a person. short answer: knowledge is not necessarily power. longer answer: i don't even fucking know, but this is longer. i guess it's so frustrating because i see all these people with like a million friends and i know i'm cooler than they are, but i'm so goddamn shy that i'm just weird when people first meet me. no desire for more nikita. god only knows what carolyn saw in me. probably just that i was mysterious or something. oh well. i should probably be getting ready for another exciting day at the comus.
part of me wants to quit my job because i work so much and don't get much recognition for what i actually can do. the chef, sebastien, is quitting, and he's pretty much the only help i have. i love him...he's so funny, and he makes sure i have all my shit together. i'm going to miss him. if we don't find someone to help me before he leaves, i'm going to be working doubles every day until we do. goooooooooood...this is killing me. i'm just bored of my job right now. i spend all of my energy standing around waiting for time to pass, so i can finally go home.
when i go home, i just chill down in the sensory deprivation chamber, also known as my room. the tv isn't working, so i can't watch it or play kingdom hearts. usually by the time i'm home, carolyn's pretty much asleep. so usually, i keep her awake long enough so that i'm tired too, or i let her sleep and i just kind of idle around on the computer. that's what's so horrible right now...i'm just alone all day every day. at work, i'll see people and talk to them for like a minute, but most of the time i'm passing time alone in the pastry kitchen. it sucks because the one big problem i have is that i feel socially inadequate...it's been that way as long as i can remember, and...being isolated the majority of my day doesn't help. when i actually do get to interact with someone, i feel awkward as shit. like a fucking thirteen year old. i know i come across as completely different than who i am, but there's nothing i can do about it. know what else? in my 19 years of existance, i've yet to come across someone (other than my girlfriend) who i've actually opened up to. one person i've ever been close to, and it's my carolyn. i've been told our relationship is unhealthy because we're so close or whatever. i don't understand that logic. i agree, it might be good for me to have someone else i can talk to about my shit besides her, but that would actually require someone else to talk to me and make me feel comfortable with them. it would also require that i didn't work until 10 or 11 every night.
all these people at work act like they want to fuck me...and it's getting ridiculous. to the point where i can't walk across the restaurant without being humped. CAROLYN, COME HOME, BECAUSE I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT! it's exhausting to have to tell these straight girls that we can't do it. ok, i guess i'm not lonely so much as i just want like...a friend haha. but i think at this point, it would have to be a work friend, an after-work friend, or an online friend. OR, i can quit my job and get one with a better schedule. you know...with nights off that aren't monday and tuesday. i just feel like i'm stuck in a trap now. i feel like i've fast forwarded to my mid 30's and i'm still in the same place. i'm 19 fucking years old and i already feel old! i don't trust places that make me feel that way. however, i love all my coworkers, and don't want them to be fucked over because i felt like quitting.
carolyn, i miss you. without you here, every day is meaningless. all day, i wait for the time when i can finally sit down and call you. the days are blurring, along with my vision. i just want you to know that i love and appreciate you more than you can ever begin to imagine. you saved my life, and i will never be able to thank you enough. i'd like it if you came back and saved it again for me, but i hate to put you in that position all the time. you're always my savior, and that's all you ever are to anyone. i want to save you! you're too strong though...you always keep your head up and you always come out on top. i admire that about you. maybe someday i'll acquire that skill, but i doubt it. i've become dependent on your ability to rescue me when i'm being swept away in the ocean of emotions that is my mind. but you can't very well save me when we're not together or even talking very much! enogh of that nonsense. sorry. i love you. come to me soon so i can be whole, if only for a few hours of a night.
am i too in love? is there such a thing? is it beyond love and just a sick obsession now? i don't even know. does she feel the same way i do? am i just in love with her because she's the only one who ever cared? is that wrong? i know it feels perfect, but it's all i know. why do i make things that are simple so complicated?
i've always liked cats, because if a cat likes you, you know it. it's not for any reason but that it loves you. they don't think they owe you anything or that they have to act like they like you so you don't feel bad. plus, they're so fucking cute.
why have i never formed close relationships? am i weird? what's wrong with me? in elementary school, i felt like it was because i didn't know enough. but now...i feel like i know too much. i can do anything. but still, i'm not appealing as a person. short answer: knowledge is not necessarily power. longer answer: i don't even fucking know, but this is longer. i guess it's so frustrating because i see all these people with like a million friends and i know i'm cooler than they are, but i'm so goddamn shy that i'm just weird when people first meet me. no desire for more nikita. god only knows what carolyn saw in me. probably just that i was mysterious or something. oh well. i should probably be getting ready for another exciting day at the comus.